I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. I doubt that there would have even been a "right" side this morning!! It is bad! I am biting everyone's head off. I think that it is because I was cramping a spotting a bit last night. Not enough to cause concern, but yet it did. For some reason I had assumed that getting pregnant would end all of my worries and frustrations. But that is not so. Infertility has dragged her ugly butt from my childless state and made herself a cozy place in my pregnancy.
Infertility caused me to feel inferior, defunct, and isolated. Pregnancy was supposed to cure all of that. Instead I feel inferior to the younger mothers and out of place with those my own age that have 4 kids. Infertility had so many ups and downs, each step riddled with disappointments. My battered heart believes that pregnancy will be much of the same. I am having a hard time resting in Him, believing that things will go well. It angers me that I cannot be young and naive, clueless to the heartaches out there. I wish that I could be giddy with excitement, telling the world my good news. Instead I weigh my words, careful not hurt someone still waiting, or sound immature to someone my own age that has "been there, done that". I feel robbed, my innocence stolen.
A newly married woman assumes that she will get pregnant right away. Once she does it never occurs to her that things may not go as planned. When life falls into place you assume that it will continue along that vein. When you are newly married and assume that you will get pregnant right away and you do not, those assumptions change. The longer that you wait for your dreams to be realized the less hope that you have. You assume that because everything else did not fall into place that pregnancy will be more of the same.
I want to be that girl, the one that it all goes well for. But then I look back on all of the things that I have learned. Infertility has made me who I am, some bad, but much good. There are days that I mourn my lost innocence, but many days I praise Him for teaching me so many important lessons in life.
Yes, you are right. Suffering from IF helps us be stronger and also gives God the ability through us to help other women going through the same thing. HUGS!
ReplyDelete"A newly married woman assumes that she will get pregnant right away...When you are newly married and assume that you will get pregnant right away and you do not, those assumptions change. The longer that you wait for your dreams to be realized the less hope that you have."
ReplyDeletei like what you wrote, when freddy and i were barely married, i assumed that too and now 2 years later we have seen ALOT of friends (most married less time then us) poppin out kids and i am starting to think it might not happen for us...i am trying to have faith in God that our time will come and that the wait will be worth it. we cant rush His perfect plan...it will all fall into place!!!
I hate you're feeling this way today! I'm praying for you to enjoy your pregnancy and relish in all that you've got to look forward to!
ReplyDeleteI feel a lot of the same things you wrote. I have a feeling that when I get pregnant, I will also have the same fears that something will go wrong. We just have to learn to rest in Him and let His peace that passes all understanding rest on us. And when that day comes that we get to hold that little miracle in our arms we'll cherish it that much more because we understand how much of a miracle it truly is! Praying for you!
ReplyDeleteOk, I honestly could copy and paste your blog onto mine. Each feeling you are going through is EXACTLY where I was at just 14 weeks ago. And at that time, I SO wished I had someone that could relate to what I was going through -such weird, icky feelings that I really thought pregnancy would get rid of. Know that in time, as this pregnancy progresses you will feel less of this yuck and more excitement - just you wait! I love that you are able to see the joy in what this waiting has done - that is key to moving through the yucky parts & embracing exactly where God has you!
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