I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. I doubt that there would have even been a "right" side this morning!! It is bad! I am biting everyone's head off. I think that it is because I was cramping a spotting a bit last night. Not enough to cause concern, but yet it did. For some reason I had assumed that getting pregnant would end all of my worries and frustrations. But that is not so. Infertility has dragged her ugly butt from my childless state and made herself a cozy place in my pregnancy.
Infertility caused me to feel inferior, defunct, and isolated. Pregnancy was supposed to cure all of that. Instead I feel inferior to the younger mothers and out of place with those my own age that have 4 kids. Infertility had so many ups and downs, each step riddled with disappointments. My battered heart believes that pregnancy will be much of the same. I am having a hard time resting in Him, believing that things will go well. It angers me that I cannot be young and naive, clueless to the heartaches out there. I wish that I could be giddy with excitement, telling the world my good news. Instead I weigh my words, careful not hurt someone still waiting, or sound immature to someone my own age that has "been there, done that". I feel robbed, my innocence stolen.
A newly married woman assumes that she will get pregnant right away. Once she does it never occurs to her that things may not go as planned. When life falls into place you assume that it will continue along that vein. When you are newly married and assume that you will get pregnant right away and you do not, those assumptions change. The longer that you wait for your dreams to be realized the less hope that you have. You assume that because everything else did not fall into place that pregnancy will be more of the same.
I want to be that girl, the one that it all goes well for. But then I look back on all of the things that I have learned. Infertility has made me who I am, some bad, but much good. There are days that I mourn my lost innocence, but many days I praise Him for teaching me so many important lessons in life.