I have lived so many years as an infertile that it has become second nature. I had always dreamed of being a "fertile" but never truly believed that it would happen. I always imagined that the the day I saw 2 pink lines that I would magically morph into a fertile woman, free of the hindrances of infertily. Now I know that that was all a delusion. There is no switch that is flipped when you become pregnant. You are just now living between two separate worlds. I guess I would classify myself and a fertile infertile.
On one hand I am elated at being part of the "in crowd", the mommy crowd. The secret society. On the other hand I still feel the pain and separation that infertility brings along. Many times I find myself looking away when a woman passes me carrying a child. I have to remind myself that it is okay to look. I also have to tell myself that walking through the baby aisle will now be the norm for me, something which I have avoided for many years.
I want to embrace this new chapter of my life yet I want to hold tight to the previous one. The chapters of infertility will never be truly over as the scars it has left behind run deep. And I love those scars. I am not ashamed of them. I earned them!! A woman that has beaten breast cancer feels no need for shame. A soldier that loses a limb fighting for his country holds his head high. Why do infertiles feel shame for their battle scars? I have spent many years trying to educate the fertile world of the trials of infertility and the need to recognize the pain and suffering associated with it. My wounds are a testimony to all that I have been through and I am darn proud of who I have become! I would not be who I am today, where I am today had it not for this journey.
For those still in the trenches, take time to learn from it. For those that have crossed over, reach out to those still waiting. Help them through the valleys. And no matter where you are in the journey, embrace what God has for you!