I have been on the PIO for one week now. Honestly, the injection itself is not bad at all. When I first saw the needle I thought that I would hyperventilate!! But now it is no biggie. It is difficult to give them to myself, though I can do it. However, I prefer to have someone else stick me when I can. What I do not like is that I am so very sore! My tummy is sore from the heparin and now my hips are killing me from the PIO injections. It makes it difficult to get comfortable in bed. I wake myself up from it and then of course I have to go to the bathroom. It makes for a very long night sometimes.
Several years ago I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I know, I know. All fat people say that they have a thyroid problem. But in this case it is true. Before I was diagnosed I packed on 85 pounds in one year. And I was barely eating. Hubby was sure that I was dying from cancer or something. Though cancer patients usually lose weight, he still thought the worse. It his hypochondriac nature. Once diagnosed the doctor assured me that I would drop the weight once I began the medication. Liar! But I did quit gaining weight and that was nice. I maintained my weight (with a 5-10 pound fluctuation) for several years and even went off of my meds. Then in October of 2008 I started gaining weight. Again. I started going to the gym, gave up soda and cutting back on portion size. And what did that do? Caused me to gain 20 pounds between Oct-Jan. Joy! My tests all came back normal so they would not put me back on meds. I finally got fed up and went to an endocrinologist that ran more tests and found that I have thyroid antibodies which cause the same problems of an under active thyroid. She put me back on meds and I quit putting on the weight. YAY! I have been able to maintain my weight for the past year, though I would have preferred to lose some.
Now that I am pregnant my thyroid function is very important. I wish that I would have realized just how important about 4 weeks ago. The baby does not have an operational thyroid until 12 weeks and relies completely on the mother for thyroid hormones. If I don't have a properly functioning thyroid the baby can be developmentally delayed. I had assumed that since I was on meds that I was fine. I made an appointment with my endocrinologist and had everything rechecked. My levels are too high and my dosage has been increased. I am praying that it has not been enough to have harmed the baby. I will be starting the new dosage tomorrow and the doctor will be monitoring me every few weeks throughout the pregnancy. Thankfully it was caught as it could have gone undetected for weeks.
Other than that everything is going well. I have an u/s on Tuesday and am excited to see my little bean again!!!
Friday, January 29, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Telling a child how they were conceived
This is a repost of something that I posted in August. Now that I am pregnant I have begun to think about telling our child one day of their conception. We are going to be very open and honest with him/her, though age appropriate. Though I have a few years before I am faced with this discussion, I am planning it now. This post includes a fantastic story on telling a child conceived via donated embryos. I hope that it will be a help to all of other EDA momma's out there;
~~~~~~~~~~~
For you fertiles telling your children about their conception is easy. There are many options: traditional birds & bees talk, technical talk using terms like "sperm" and "fertilization", or the "when a mommy and daddy love each other" talks. The possibilities are endless. There are even books out there to help you. For us infertiles it is not so easy. Most books do not include words like Petri dish, injection and sperm wash. And it gets even trickier when you give birth to a child that has no genetic, biological relationship to you. I am a member of a Yahoo group and one of the members there has a 4 year old daughter she was blessed with through the miracle of embryo donation. She shared her story of how she explained it to her little girl and I knew that I had to share this touching story. The following is her story:
I was also struggling with how to tell my daughter (who celebrated her 4th birthday in June) about how she came to be my daughter. The question of "to tell or not to tell" was never a question for my husband and I since our daughter has a tan (native american/hispanic) skin tone and we are light skinned. Hopefully I won't offend anyone by writing this, but I do beleive that we should "tell" our children. As long as a single person besides the mother and father of a child know about the embryo adoption the possibility of the child being "told" at some point is too great to ignore. I feel that it is best if the "telling" is done by the parents in a positive way rather than by "who knows who" in "who knows what" way "who knows when". I know that is probably easier for me to say than for people who have children who like them since there was no question that I would have to "tell" my daughter. The answer of how to tell my daughter presented itself over the summer.
Our family has a "garden" of EarthBox planters on our patio. This year we planted tomatos, corn, and watermelons. Each food had its own EarthBox. My daughter had the best time planting and watering the seeds. She was so excited when they sprouted. She called each of the sprouts "tomato babies", "corn babies" and "watermelon babies". She was thrilled when the babies were "born" (bore fruit). One day when we were picking the tomatos from the tomato EarthBox, my daughter noticed a stringy vine that had grown through and wrapped itself around the tomato plants. At the end of the vine was a single half-open bud. My daughter looked back and forth between the bud and its surrounding tomato plants, then said matter of factly "Mommy, that tomato baby doesn't look like her family." "No, he sure doesn't" I replied. I'll never forget what she did next. She petted the bud gently and then attempted to hug it and said "It's okay little tomato baby , I don't look like my family too. Mommy, why don't tomato baby and me look like our family?" I froze in panic. I'd had four years to come up with a good explanation and still didn't have one. I hugged my daughter (and the "tomato baby")! and told them that I would have to think about how to say it but that I would tell them in the morning. Then I stayed up half night and prayed that the answer would come to me. It did. When my daughter woke up the next morning the first thing out of her mouth was "Did you think about the stuff to tell me and tomato baby?". After breakfast, we went out to the patio. The half-open "tomato baby" bud had bloomed into a single perfect miniature sunflower. "MOMMY !! TOMATO BABY IS SO PRETTY
!!!!". my daughter exclaimed. "AND ,AND, AND, AND, TOMATO BABY ISN'T A TOMATO BABY SHE'S A SUNFLOWER BABY. HOW IS SHE A SUNFLOWER BABY MOMMY?" I asked my daughter to look up above the tomatos and tell me what she saw.
"The birdfeeder"
"and what's inside the birdfeedeer? "
"SUNFLOWER SEEDS!!"
"Yes !!! So why do you think sunflower baby doesn't look like her family?" , I asked.
"Cause we put the tomato seeds in the tomato family EarthBox and they got big and they are tomatos and the sunflower seed went down in the tomato family Earthbox and she grew up and she's a sunflower baby." she answered.
"Yes !!! They look different because they came from different kinds of seeds. So why do you think you look different from your family?" I asked.
After a moment of intense thought she responded "Because you put a tan girl seed in your tummy, Mommy ?"
"Yes, that's exactly right , because I put a tan girl seed in my tummy."..... ......... .
Since then my daughter occasionally volunteers to people, "My mommy is white but I'm tan cause my Mommy wanted to have a girl grow in her tummy but the girl seeds in her tummy wouldn't grow good and the nice people had a pretty tan girl seed and they shared the pretty tan girl seed with my Mommy and the doctor put the seed in Mommy's tummy and I got big and I was born."
I think knowing she came from a "tan girl seed that the nice people shared with Mommy and Daddy" has made my daughter feel comfortable about who she is and how she came to be at a level that is perfect for her age. I don't know if this explanation would work for everyone, but it sure has worked for us !
~G.H.
~~~~~~~~~~~
For you fertiles telling your children about their conception is easy. There are many options: traditional birds & bees talk, technical talk using terms like "sperm" and "fertilization", or the "when a mommy and daddy love each other" talks. The possibilities are endless. There are even books out there to help you. For us infertiles it is not so easy. Most books do not include words like Petri dish, injection and sperm wash. And it gets even trickier when you give birth to a child that has no genetic, biological relationship to you. I am a member of a Yahoo group and one of the members there has a 4 year old daughter she was blessed with through the miracle of embryo donation. She shared her story of how she explained it to her little girl and I knew that I had to share this touching story. The following is her story:
I was also struggling with how to tell my daughter (who celebrated her 4th birthday in June) about how she came to be my daughter. The question of "to tell or not to tell" was never a question for my husband and I since our daughter has a tan (native american/hispanic) skin tone and we are light skinned. Hopefully I won't offend anyone by writing this, but I do beleive that we should "tell" our children. As long as a single person besides the mother and father of a child know about the embryo adoption the possibility of the child being "told" at some point is too great to ignore. I feel that it is best if the "telling" is done by the parents in a positive way rather than by "who knows who" in "who knows what" way "who knows when". I know that is probably easier for me to say than for people who have children who like them since there was no question that I would have to "tell" my daughter. The answer of how to tell my daughter presented itself over the summer.
Our family has a "garden" of EarthBox planters on our patio. This year we planted tomatos, corn, and watermelons. Each food had its own EarthBox. My daughter had the best time planting and watering the seeds. She was so excited when they sprouted. She called each of the sprouts "tomato babies", "corn babies" and "watermelon babies". She was thrilled when the babies were "born" (bore fruit). One day when we were picking the tomatos from the tomato EarthBox, my daughter noticed a stringy vine that had grown through and wrapped itself around the tomato plants. At the end of the vine was a single half-open bud. My daughter looked back and forth between the bud and its surrounding tomato plants, then said matter of factly "Mommy, that tomato baby doesn't look like her family." "No, he sure doesn't" I replied. I'll never forget what she did next. She petted the bud gently and then attempted to hug it and said "It's okay little tomato baby , I don't look like my family too. Mommy, why don't tomato baby and me look like our family?" I froze in panic. I'd had four years to come up with a good explanation and still didn't have one. I hugged my daughter (and the "tomato baby")! and told them that I would have to think about how to say it but that I would tell them in the morning. Then I stayed up half night and prayed that the answer would come to me. It did. When my daughter woke up the next morning the first thing out of her mouth was "Did you think about the stuff to tell me and tomato baby?". After breakfast, we went out to the patio. The half-open "tomato baby" bud had bloomed into a single perfect miniature sunflower. "MOMMY !! TOMATO BABY IS SO PRETTY
!!!!". my daughter exclaimed. "AND ,AND, AND, AND, TOMATO BABY ISN'T A TOMATO BABY SHE'S A SUNFLOWER BABY. HOW IS SHE A SUNFLOWER BABY MOMMY?" I asked my daughter to look up above the tomatos and tell me what she saw.
"The birdfeeder"
"and what's inside the birdfeedeer? "
"SUNFLOWER SEEDS!!"
"Yes !!! So why do you think sunflower baby doesn't look like her family?" , I asked.
"Cause we put the tomato seeds in the tomato family EarthBox and they got big and they are tomatos and the sunflower seed went down in the tomato family Earthbox and she grew up and she's a sunflower baby." she answered.
"Yes !!! They look different because they came from different kinds of seeds. So why do you think you look different from your family?" I asked.
After a moment of intense thought she responded "Because you put a tan girl seed in your tummy, Mommy ?"
"Yes, that's exactly right , because I put a tan girl seed in my tummy."..... ......... .
Since then my daughter occasionally volunteers to people, "My mommy is white but I'm tan cause my Mommy wanted to have a girl grow in her tummy but the girl seeds in her tummy wouldn't grow good and the nice people had a pretty tan girl seed and they shared the pretty tan girl seed with my Mommy and the doctor put the seed in Mommy's tummy and I got big and I was born."
I think knowing she came from a "tan girl seed that the nice people shared with Mommy and Daddy" has made my daughter feel comfortable about who she is and how she came to be at a level that is perfect for her age. I don't know if this explanation would work for everyone, but it sure has worked for us !
~G.H.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
I am crazy high!
Okay, not me, per se, but my numbers!!! I had another BETA yesterday to make sure that my HCG numbers were doubling. They needed to be at least 160,000. The nurse said that she didn't have them in front of her but that they were "crazy high" and well over 200, 000. WOOT! And to be on the safe side I have to go in next Monday for another ultrasound. A part of me is super excited to see my little bean again, maybe this time with some definition. But I really wish that this was not necessary. Hopefully after this appointment I can relax and just be a "normal" patient.
An update on my forum friend from a previous post:
Well, that is all for now! I will update again once I learn more!
An update on my forum friend from a previous post:
Great News! :-) I got to come home...I'm now resting comfortably on my couch with my two loving little poodles. Ok now for baby news: There is still no fluid around baby but that was expected..I go back in a week for another ultrasound and we'll see where we stand as far as fluid goes. As for now baby is still growing and heartbeat is strong!
I am so glad that the baby is hanging on! I have wondered how the baby could survive without fluid, as I am sure many of you have wondered as well. Really, I don't know. Another forum friend found this article and though it does not explain any of it, it surely does give you hope that this little one can make it. Here is a link to the article: http://www.birthstories.com/stories/complicated-pregnancy/no-amniotic-fluid-after-12-weeks-i-survived-6835/ It really is an amazing story!!Well, that is all for now! I will update again once I learn more!
Monday, January 25, 2010
food swings
We have all heard of MOOD swings, probably experienced them a time or two. But I am having FOOD swings! One minute I am craving a piece of cake. mmm.....cake! Before I can satisfy that craving I get distracted my pickles. Before I finish one I am wanting a grilled cheese. I went grocery shopping today to get some veggies and healthy cereal. I ended up buying that and more. But I didn't buy cake!! So now I am sitting here craving a piece of cake.
My doctor told me to maintain my weight (stupid skinny doctor!!!). So I am trying to eat somewhat healthy. I don't care for chocolate so that is a help.But I like cake! I used to never like cake but now I love it! On Saturday I made cupcakes for junior church. Throughout the day I ate one. Okay two. Okay, okay! I confess! It was three. Don't judge me!!! Then on Sunday I had one of the leftover ones during church. Then I had one on the way home. I went to my mom's house to dispose of the rest of them so that wouldn't eat them all. Well, all but one of them. I took one home with me and saved it for dessert. Way to maintain my weight!!!
If anyone mentions a food I want it! I hate commercials now. I sit here and salivate over the food. I am such an addict! The first few weeks I had no appetite. If only I could go back to those days. Now I think that I am going to go eat a pickle. And some CAKE!
My doctor told me to maintain my weight (stupid skinny doctor!!!). So I am trying to eat somewhat healthy. I don't care for chocolate so that is a help.But I like cake! I used to never like cake but now I love it! On Saturday I made cupcakes for junior church. Throughout the day I ate one. Okay two. Okay, okay! I confess! It was three. Don't judge me!!! Then on Sunday I had one of the leftover ones during church. Then I had one on the way home. I went to my mom's house to dispose of the rest of them so that wouldn't eat them all. Well, all but one of them. I took one home with me and saved it for dessert. Way to maintain my weight!!!
If anyone mentions a food I want it! I hate commercials now. I sit here and salivate over the food. I am such an addict! The first few weeks I had no appetite. If only I could go back to those days. Now I think that I am going to go eat a pickle. And some CAKE!
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Three more weeks!!!!!
Just three more weeks until my 2nd trimester begins!!! WOO HOO!!! At the beginning of this pregnancy I did not want it to speed by at all. This may be the only time that I am pregnant and I want to enjoy every moment of it, the good and the bad. But after spotting and having a scare I want to enter the "safety zone". Okay, there really is no "safe" time, just a reduced risk of complications. I will breathe easier once I cross that milestone.
Another awesome thing about week 12 is that I can quit all of the medications and injections! Can I get a WOOT WOOT?!?!? My hips and belly are so very sore!!! Sleeping is not comfortable at all. Clothing is uncomfortable. And if something bumps me, yowzers! Once I quit all of these expensive medications I can start purchasing baby stuff! I can't wait!!! Come on week 12!!!!!!!!!
Another awesome thing about week 12 is that I can quit all of the medications and injections! Can I get a WOOT WOOT?!?!? My hips and belly are so very sore!!! Sleeping is not comfortable at all. Clothing is uncomfortable. And if something bumps me, yowzers! Once I quit all of these expensive medications I can start purchasing baby stuff! I can't wait!!! Come on week 12!!!!!!!!!
My heart is heavy
A woman that I know through a forum is heavy on my heart right now. She has had several miscarriages and then last year lost her son at @ 22 weeks. Her water broke and he tried to hold on, but he was born too early and lived only a short time. She was able to conceive again and is currently 15 weeks. She is now in the hospital and may lose this baby as well. She had a severe allergic reaction to insulin last night which caused her body to go into anaphylactic shock. By the time the ambulance got to her house she was totally unconscious with no bp and no pulse. The shock caused everything in her body to shut down including baby functioning stuff. The baby went into shock and her water broke. She is stable now and the baby's heart is still strong but they won't know about the fluid until later.
I can't imagine what she is going through right now! Because of previous losses she has been taking every precaution. Everything has been going so well. This was a complete shock. Please pray for her and her little one. I will update once I know more.
I can't imagine what she is going through right now! Because of previous losses she has been taking every precaution. Everything has been going so well. This was a complete shock. Please pray for her and her little one. I will update once I know more.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
A Fertile Infertile??
I have lived so many years as an infertile that it has become second nature. I had always dreamed of being a "fertile" but never truly believed that it would happen. I always imagined that the the day I saw 2 pink lines that I would magically morph into a fertile woman, free of the hindrances of infertily. Now I know that that was all a delusion. There is no switch that is flipped when you become pregnant. You are just now living between two separate worlds. I guess I would classify myself and a fertile infertile.
On one hand I am elated at being part of the "in crowd", the mommy crowd. The secret society. On the other hand I still feel the pain and separation that infertility brings along. Many times I find myself looking away when a woman passes me carrying a child. I have to remind myself that it is okay to look. I also have to tell myself that walking through the baby aisle will now be the norm for me, something which I have avoided for many years.
I want to embrace this new chapter of my life yet I want to hold tight to the previous one. The chapters of infertility will never be truly over as the scars it has left behind run deep. And I love those scars. I am not ashamed of them. I earned them!! A woman that has beaten breast cancer feels no need for shame. A soldier that loses a limb fighting for his country holds his head high. Why do infertiles feel shame for their battle scars? I have spent many years trying to educate the fertile world of the trials of infertility and the need to recognize the pain and suffering associated with it. My wounds are a testimony to all that I have been through and I am darn proud of who I have become! I would not be who I am today, where I am today had it not for this journey.
For those still in the trenches, take time to learn from it. For those that have crossed over, reach out to those still waiting. Help them through the valleys. And no matter where you are in the journey, embrace what God has for you!
On one hand I am elated at being part of the "in crowd", the mommy crowd. The secret society. On the other hand I still feel the pain and separation that infertility brings along. Many times I find myself looking away when a woman passes me carrying a child. I have to remind myself that it is okay to look. I also have to tell myself that walking through the baby aisle will now be the norm for me, something which I have avoided for many years.
I want to embrace this new chapter of my life yet I want to hold tight to the previous one. The chapters of infertility will never be truly over as the scars it has left behind run deep. And I love those scars. I am not ashamed of them. I earned them!! A woman that has beaten breast cancer feels no need for shame. A soldier that loses a limb fighting for his country holds his head high. Why do infertiles feel shame for their battle scars? I have spent many years trying to educate the fertile world of the trials of infertility and the need to recognize the pain and suffering associated with it. My wounds are a testimony to all that I have been through and I am darn proud of who I have become! I would not be who I am today, where I am today had it not for this journey.
For those still in the trenches, take time to learn from it. For those that have crossed over, reach out to those still waiting. Help them through the valleys. And no matter where you are in the journey, embrace what God has for you!
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Had a scare last night.
So yesterday I woke up from a nap and noticed that I was spotting. I have spotted previously but this was much more. I did not panic. I didn't even worry really. I just relaxed and put my feet up for the rest of the evening. As I was preparing for bed last night I noticed a clot. Now I was worried! I told dh that a trip to the ER was in order. He panicked! So I had to calm him down and tell him to drive carefully. Glad that I could help him relax!! ;-) They got me right in and did some blood work. My HCG was 80,000 which the doctor assured me was fine for how far along I am. What they did not know is that I am not a novice and I know the "normal range" but that that is not enough to determine how my baby is doing. If my HCG was 70,000 yesterday then 80,000 is not good. Or if it was 90,000 yesterday then 80,000 is still not good. My OB is having it retested on Monday to make sure that it is doubling.
The ER doc also said that my cervix was closed. This was good news, but still not enough to determine that the baby was okay. I know that there is also something called a "missed miscarriage". I wanted an ultrasound but they could not do one at night as they do not have a tech there. So my trip was basically a waste of my time. I left with a diagnosis of "threatened abortion" (hate that term) and instructions to call my OB the next day.
I called my OB at 9 am and from there it was a flurry of activity. He was very concerned about the bleeding and ordered an ultrasound at the hospital's perinatal unit ASAP. I had one hour to get there! Thankfully there was a good, strong heartbeat! But there was also a bleed though it was healing. I did not like seeing the bleed, but was glad that there was an explanation for the bleeding. So that was very good news and the perinatologist told me that I had a 95% chance of carrying the baby and that made me very happy!!!
My OB contacted my RE and the discussed what to do with my continued spotting. They decided to take me off the progesterone suppositories and switch me to the PIO injections. I had to go to 2 different pharmacies to get it filled and then had to take it to my OB's office for instruction. I was almost hyperventilating over the PIO injections, but they were painless! Paying for them hurt more than the injection!!! Insurance does not cover the cost of it. Crazy!!
So that should catch you up to speed on my crazy day!! I have decided that this kid will be grounded for the first 6 months for putting me through all of this!!! ;-)
The ER doc also said that my cervix was closed. This was good news, but still not enough to determine that the baby was okay. I know that there is also something called a "missed miscarriage". I wanted an ultrasound but they could not do one at night as they do not have a tech there. So my trip was basically a waste of my time. I left with a diagnosis of "threatened abortion" (hate that term) and instructions to call my OB the next day.
I called my OB at 9 am and from there it was a flurry of activity. He was very concerned about the bleeding and ordered an ultrasound at the hospital's perinatal unit ASAP. I had one hour to get there! Thankfully there was a good, strong heartbeat! But there was also a bleed though it was healing. I did not like seeing the bleed, but was glad that there was an explanation for the bleeding. So that was very good news and the perinatologist told me that I had a 95% chance of carrying the baby and that made me very happy!!!
My OB contacted my RE and the discussed what to do with my continued spotting. They decided to take me off the progesterone suppositories and switch me to the PIO injections. I had to go to 2 different pharmacies to get it filled and then had to take it to my OB's office for instruction. I was almost hyperventilating over the PIO injections, but they were painless! Paying for them hurt more than the injection!!! Insurance does not cover the cost of it. Crazy!!
So that should catch you up to speed on my crazy day!! I have decided that this kid will be grounded for the first 6 months for putting me through all of this!!! ;-)
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
January ICLW~ Welcome!
Welcome ICLW-ers and all others reading my blog for the first time! To get you up to speed here is a little about myself:
My name is Jess. I have been married for 11 years and ttc for almost as long. We have severe male factor infertility as well as myself having issues. Originally we planned to skip the whole medical side of it all and focus on adoption. Two failed adoptions later we revisited ttc and began the expensive journey of ART. We did 4 IUI's without success. We considered IVF but the cost was above what was possible for us. God led us to the route of embryo adoption and we are currently expecting our first child. It has been a long, tedious, expensive journey, but it has been well worth it. I look forward to meeting people this week!! And if you have any questions about embryo adoption/donation please do not hesitate to ask!!
My name is Jess. I have been married for 11 years and ttc for almost as long. We have severe male factor infertility as well as myself having issues. Originally we planned to skip the whole medical side of it all and focus on adoption. Two failed adoptions later we revisited ttc and began the expensive journey of ART. We did 4 IUI's without success. We considered IVF but the cost was above what was possible for us. God led us to the route of embryo adoption and we are currently expecting our first child. It has been a long, tedious, expensive journey, but it has been well worth it. I look forward to meeting people this week!! And if you have any questions about embryo adoption/donation please do not hesitate to ask!!
Monday, January 18, 2010
Maybe I should let it go gray!
I started getting gray hair in my early 20's. I have naturally dark brown hair (I think) and it is easy to see the wiry, gray hair mingled with my dark tresses. I would color it from time to time but it was not too bad. That all changed in 2005 when I developed large gray chunks and could no longer deny that I must color them, and often. I have heard that stress causes gray hair and I did not believe it, until 2005. That was the year that we had lost Abbie (our daughter, lost through a failed adoption). In the 2 weeks preparing to let her go my hair became unrecognizable. Dying was barely covering it all, so I opted for highlights. At least then the gray hairs look like a "highlighted" strand of hair instead.
Now this baby is causing me gray hair and it has only been 6 weeks since we learned of his existence. I can't imagine what the next 8 months will be like!! Maybe I should just give up and go au natural! Why am I stressing, you ask? Because I woke up spotting again this morning. Previously it was very minor and light pink. This time it was darker red and very noticeable. I noticed it at 7 am and by 9 am it was over. But it was enough to make my heart stop. I love this little one already and it terrifies me of losing him. I am resting today and taking it easy. If it continues I will call my doctor. If he keeps this up, though, my hair may turn so gray that when he is born people are going to think that I am his grandmother, not his mother!!
Now this baby is causing me gray hair and it has only been 6 weeks since we learned of his existence. I can't imagine what the next 8 months will be like!! Maybe I should just give up and go au natural! Why am I stressing, you ask? Because I woke up spotting again this morning. Previously it was very minor and light pink. This time it was darker red and very noticeable. I noticed it at 7 am and by 9 am it was over. But it was enough to make my heart stop. I love this little one already and it terrifies me of losing him. I am resting today and taking it easy. If it continues I will call my doctor. If he keeps this up, though, my hair may turn so gray that when he is born people are going to think that I am his grandmother, not his mother!!
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Feeling Great!
Monday marks 8 weeks and so far, so good. I feel great! I know that it is early and that could change, but I have decided to enjoy it while it lasts. I had my first appointment with my regular OB on Thursday. It was surreal to be there for pregnancy and not a yearly exam or follow-up from surgery. The staff was so excited to learn that I was pregnant and all offered their congratulations. The doctor walked in and shook my hand and told me that was thrilled to see my name on the list of patients and the reason that I was there. I have been with this doctor for 5 years and they have seen me go through so much. I loved being able to share this moment with all of them.
My appointment went well. Because I had already been seen by my RE this was supposed to be an informational appointment. But on Wednesday I had had some spotting and once I told him he did an ultrasound immediately. He wanted to check for any bleeds near the baby and the sac, but there was none, PTL! It did my heart good to see my little bambino again. He is growing and has a strong heartbeat. I have another exam with ultrasound on Feb. 11th. My doctor realizes how difficult it has been for us to get here and understands my anxiety about miscarrying and told me that if I really feel the need to, to call and they will fit me in for another ultrasound any time. I thought that was incredibly kind of him!! I am going to try and wait till my scheduled appointment though. Also, on Feb. 16th I will be getting a 4D ultrasound and I am super excited about that one!!
I am really anxious to learn the sex of this little one. I have a bedding set already picked out for a boy and if that is what we are having I want to buy it in case it is discontinued. We have already decided on names as well. Though I am anxious to know the sex, I don't want to rush this pregnancy either. I don't know if I will ever have this opportunity again and I want to relish each and every moment. I am also trying to learn to rest in Him and leave all of my anxiety and fears and His feet, though that is much easier said than done.
My appointment went well. Because I had already been seen by my RE this was supposed to be an informational appointment. But on Wednesday I had had some spotting and once I told him he did an ultrasound immediately. He wanted to check for any bleeds near the baby and the sac, but there was none, PTL! It did my heart good to see my little bambino again. He is growing and has a strong heartbeat. I have another exam with ultrasound on Feb. 11th. My doctor realizes how difficult it has been for us to get here and understands my anxiety about miscarrying and told me that if I really feel the need to, to call and they will fit me in for another ultrasound any time. I thought that was incredibly kind of him!! I am going to try and wait till my scheduled appointment though. Also, on Feb. 16th I will be getting a 4D ultrasound and I am super excited about that one!!
I am really anxious to learn the sex of this little one. I have a bedding set already picked out for a boy and if that is what we are having I want to buy it in case it is discontinued. We have already decided on names as well. Though I am anxious to know the sex, I don't want to rush this pregnancy either. I don't know if I will ever have this opportunity again and I want to relish each and every moment. I am also trying to learn to rest in Him and leave all of my anxiety and fears and His feet, though that is much easier said than done.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
A Heartfelt Thanks!
I was reading through the comments that you all have left me yesterday and from my earlier posts. I want to thank all of you for your love, support and encouragement through this entire journey. You have laughed with me, cried with me and prayed for me. There is honestly NO WAY that I would be where I am at today without all of you. This journey is often a lonely one, but all of you have walked with me, removing the loneliness. So thank you, all of you! You are the BEST!
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
So very, very CRABBY!!!
I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. I doubt that there would have even been a "right" side this morning!! It is bad! I am biting everyone's head off. I think that it is because I was cramping a spotting a bit last night. Not enough to cause concern, but yet it did. For some reason I had assumed that getting pregnant would end all of my worries and frustrations. But that is not so. Infertility has dragged her ugly butt from my childless state and made herself a cozy place in my pregnancy.
Infertility caused me to feel inferior, defunct, and isolated. Pregnancy was supposed to cure all of that. Instead I feel inferior to the younger mothers and out of place with those my own age that have 4 kids. Infertility had so many ups and downs, each step riddled with disappointments. My battered heart believes that pregnancy will be much of the same. I am having a hard time resting in Him, believing that things will go well. It angers me that I cannot be young and naive, clueless to the heartaches out there. I wish that I could be giddy with excitement, telling the world my good news. Instead I weigh my words, careful not hurt someone still waiting, or sound immature to someone my own age that has "been there, done that". I feel robbed, my innocence stolen.
A newly married woman assumes that she will get pregnant right away. Once she does it never occurs to her that things may not go as planned. When life falls into place you assume that it will continue along that vein. When you are newly married and assume that you will get pregnant right away and you do not, those assumptions change. The longer that you wait for your dreams to be realized the less hope that you have. You assume that because everything else did not fall into place that pregnancy will be more of the same.
I want to be that girl, the one that it all goes well for. But then I look back on all of the things that I have learned. Infertility has made me who I am, some bad, but much good. There are days that I mourn my lost innocence, but many days I praise Him for teaching me so many important lessons in life.
Infertility caused me to feel inferior, defunct, and isolated. Pregnancy was supposed to cure all of that. Instead I feel inferior to the younger mothers and out of place with those my own age that have 4 kids. Infertility had so many ups and downs, each step riddled with disappointments. My battered heart believes that pregnancy will be much of the same. I am having a hard time resting in Him, believing that things will go well. It angers me that I cannot be young and naive, clueless to the heartaches out there. I wish that I could be giddy with excitement, telling the world my good news. Instead I weigh my words, careful not hurt someone still waiting, or sound immature to someone my own age that has "been there, done that". I feel robbed, my innocence stolen.
A newly married woman assumes that she will get pregnant right away. Once she does it never occurs to her that things may not go as planned. When life falls into place you assume that it will continue along that vein. When you are newly married and assume that you will get pregnant right away and you do not, those assumptions change. The longer that you wait for your dreams to be realized the less hope that you have. You assume that because everything else did not fall into place that pregnancy will be more of the same.
I want to be that girl, the one that it all goes well for. But then I look back on all of the things that I have learned. Infertility has made me who I am, some bad, but much good. There are days that I mourn my lost innocence, but many days I praise Him for teaching me so many important lessons in life.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Deciding not to transition to new blog
Originally I had decided to transition to a new blog just for pregnancy, but have since decided to stay here. I will change my description of the blog to that of pregnancy after infertility instead of infertility so that new people will know before reading it what it is about. For those that are not in a place to follow this part of my journey I will understand if you no longer follow my blog. I have been there and if my posts cause you pain, please do what is best for you. I hope that my blog will give you hope, not pain though. If there ever was a hopeless situation, mine was it! Being where I am today is only by the grace of God.
Friday, January 8, 2010
The results are in.....
and there is one healthy baby in there!!!! There was a strong heartbeat and everything looks perfect! Seeing the heartbeat was the most amazing thing. My hubby and I just cried. My official due date is August 30th and I have been released to my regular OB and will see him next Thursday.
Right now I am adjusting to thinking baby, not babies. Please don't think that I am not pleased as punch over this bambino, I am. But 2 embies went in, it is not easy knowing that 2 will not come out. It is not about being greedy and wanting more, it is about loving 2 embies from the beginning and sad that one is no longer with me.
After the appointment I went to a consignment shop and tried on maternity clothes. It was FUN!!!! I found 3 tops and one skirt, not an easy feat for a chubby girl. I have browsed before this for maternity clothing, but this time it was for real. I am a mom-to-be and I had the right to be there, trying on the clothes and the fake baby bump. I was huge sporting that bump though!! I told hubby that once I am huge with child we will no longer be able to hug. We will just have to bump bellies and wave.
Seeing our baby on the screen made it all real to me. Now that I know all is well I am no longer wishing for morning sickness. Which means that I will most likely get it now. But I don't care. Anything for the bambino!!!
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Holy Heparin, Batman!!!
I have to take heparin injections each day. Right now it is for the first trimester but may be for the entire pregnancy. They are done with a small insulin needle which does not hurt in itself. But the heparin has a tendency to sting. Not every time, but about every 2 out of 3 injections hurt. And if I do it in the wrong spot (not sure what constitutes a "wrong" spot except for the pain) it really stings as well as bruises and even leaves a knot under the skin. Right now I have two knots and several purple bruises. At least the purple is pretty to look at. The rest of my stomach is a putrid shade of green and yellow. Very sexy!
There is an upside to this though. I look and feel pregnant, at least in the midsection. Well, being that I am chubby I always look about 6 months pg, but now it has rounded out. It also hurts to bend or reach my feet. I wish that this was from actual fetal growth not heparin swelling. Maybe I should start wearing maternity and let people assume that I am due soon! ;-)
I have my ultrasound tomorrow and I am very excited. While there I will be asking the nurse for some tips on how to give these injections with less discomfort. If I remember to ask. I may be too excited from the ultrasound to even think about it!
There is an upside to this though. I look and feel pregnant, at least in the midsection. Well, being that I am chubby I always look about 6 months pg, but now it has rounded out. It also hurts to bend or reach my feet. I wish that this was from actual fetal growth not heparin swelling. Maybe I should start wearing maternity and let people assume that I am due soon! ;-)
I have my ultrasound tomorrow and I am very excited. While there I will be asking the nurse for some tips on how to give these injections with less discomfort. If I remember to ask. I may be too excited from the ultrasound to even think about it!
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
One bump, or two?
I was scheduled for my first ultrasound on Monday the 11th, but my lack of symptoms have been making me anxious. I called the doctor's office today and asked if I could come in earlier. They rescheduled me for this Friday! I am super excited!! And nervous. Praying that all is well with this little bambino.....or two. Can't wait to find out if it is a singleton or twins. I would love twins but I will ecstatic either way. Everyone is convinced that it is twins and always refer to them as "the babies". One friend has been praying that I am having triplets! If I am I may smack her!!! =)
I did have a dream the other night that I had triplets. I had been put under anesthesia for a c-section and when I woke up there were 2 baby girls to my left. I said, "Oh, two girls. That's nice" as I was hoping for boy/girl twins. Then someone at the foot of the bed held up a boy. Even in my dream I was overwhelmed! And it didn't help that they were not cute. At all. The tricks that our mind plays on us!!
So this Friday I will know how many and how well they are doing. I will update you all as soon as I can!
I did have a dream the other night that I had triplets. I had been put under anesthesia for a c-section and when I woke up there were 2 baby girls to my left. I said, "Oh, two girls. That's nice" as I was hoping for boy/girl twins. Then someone at the foot of the bed held up a boy. Even in my dream I was overwhelmed! And it didn't help that they were not cute. At all. The tricks that our mind plays on us!!
So this Friday I will know how many and how well they are doing. I will update you all as soon as I can!
Monday, January 4, 2010
Not all sunshine and roses
We have been trying to get pregnant for over 11 years. This has given me a lot of time to imagine how it would feel to announce our pregnancy, shop for maternity clothes, choose baby names, etc. The reality of it is so different than I had ever imagined! The announcing part was how I thought that it would be. When I saw the word "pregnant" on the test I was giddy with excitement and I was overjoyed to tell friends and family. But the rest of it is nothing like I saw it to be in my dreams.
I am currently 6 weeks and I should still be riding the wave of euphoria. But I am not. I have not had my first ultrasound and I don't feel pregnant so I worry that I am no longer pregnant. A part of me refuses to get excited because the u/s might show that the baby is not growing. Or that there is no heartbeat. I think that if I had some symptoms I would be able to relax a bit, but I don't. Right now food tastes a little odd and I have little appetite, I am a little tired as well. Other than that I feel "normal". I don't want to feel normal, I want to feel sick from morning sickness, my boobs to swell like melons, and to be so tired that I can barely keep my eyes open.
I am also having to continue my medication regimen and I hate it! Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for this miracle baby and the opportunity that embryo adoption has given us, but the medication is not fun! It begins at 7am with 1 injection, 3 pills, 1 vaginal suppository and 2 patches that have to be changed every three days. Then another suppository at 2pm, another injection and 2 pills ar 7pm and the last suppository at 10pm. Then my 6 folic acid and 1 prenatal. If I go anywhere throughout the day I have to take medication with me. The shots hurt and my belly is bruised and sore. And the cost!!! The other day I ordered refills and it is coming tomorrow. I miscalculated and needed one of them yesterday so I went to a local pharmacy and paid cash price. Instead of $25 copay for 90 pills it $41 for 6 pills!
All of that complaining to say that I praise Him for this baby(s) and this whining is hormonal!!
I am currently 6 weeks and I should still be riding the wave of euphoria. But I am not. I have not had my first ultrasound and I don't feel pregnant so I worry that I am no longer pregnant. A part of me refuses to get excited because the u/s might show that the baby is not growing. Or that there is no heartbeat. I think that if I had some symptoms I would be able to relax a bit, but I don't. Right now food tastes a little odd and I have little appetite, I am a little tired as well. Other than that I feel "normal". I don't want to feel normal, I want to feel sick from morning sickness, my boobs to swell like melons, and to be so tired that I can barely keep my eyes open.
I am also having to continue my medication regimen and I hate it! Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for this miracle baby and the opportunity that embryo adoption has given us, but the medication is not fun! It begins at 7am with 1 injection, 3 pills, 1 vaginal suppository and 2 patches that have to be changed every three days. Then another suppository at 2pm, another injection and 2 pills ar 7pm and the last suppository at 10pm. Then my 6 folic acid and 1 prenatal. If I go anywhere throughout the day I have to take medication with me. The shots hurt and my belly is bruised and sore. And the cost!!! The other day I ordered refills and it is coming tomorrow. I miscalculated and needed one of them yesterday so I went to a local pharmacy and paid cash price. Instead of $25 copay for 90 pills it $41 for 6 pills!
All of that complaining to say that I praise Him for this baby(s) and this whining is hormonal!!
Friday, January 1, 2010
A time of "lasts"
My hubby and I are planning a quiet night at home tonight. I am making some crab legs and porterhouse steaks with stuffed mushrooms and Parmesan potatoes. Is your mouth watering yet?? Mine sure is!!! I treasure these times together. Today it dawned on us that this is the last New Year's as a family of two. It was our last Christmas without the pitter patter of little feet. This year will be our last birthdays, our last anniversary and our last Fourth of July without a little one to care for. The thought is a bittersweet one.
Our desire for children has never been to fix a troubled marriage or an unhappy life. The trials of infertility has strengthened our bond as a couple and we have a full and happy life. Children will be an addition to this life. I look forward to the changes that 2010 will bring us. Though I will miss these times with my hubby I am anxious to add to our family!
Our desire for children has never been to fix a troubled marriage or an unhappy life. The trials of infertility has strengthened our bond as a couple and we have a full and happy life. Children will be an addition to this life. I look forward to the changes that 2010 will bring us. Though I will miss these times with my hubby I am anxious to add to our family!
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