Our journey through infertility, failed adoptions and now parenthood through the miracle of embryo adoption/donation.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

I am not a bad mom. I am not a bad mom.

This has been my mantra as of late. I repeat it over and over to remind myself that I am, in fact, a good mother that loves her baby and is doing everything that she can to make it all better. Why do feel like a failure, you ask? Because Maddie has her 10th, yes 10th, ear infection. Her 10th in 8 months, her 3rd since tubes. Yesterday she saw the ENT again and they suctioned her ears out. I cannot tell you how horrible this was!! It took 3 of us to hold her down, myself included. As I am holding her arms down and listening to her cries turn to screams I saw her face. She had this "Make it stop, Mommy" look on her face. She wanted me to fix it and make it all better but here I was, holding her down for them to cause the very thing hurting her. I bawled like a baby the entire time, covering the nurses arms in my tears. When it was finished I grabbed Maddie and help her tight, our tears mingling together.

I can't help but think that if I had nursed her longer we would not be going through this. Or if I cleaned my house better. Or what if I did not have pets? Would that have helped? Should I have taken her to the chiropractor sooner? Cut out dairy months ago? Why can't I make her boo-boo all better?

The truth is that I know in my head that I am doing absolutely everything possible for Maddie, but my heart still hurts. Recently I saw something on television about a woman with Munchausen by Proxy and I honestly could not comprehend how someone could actually make their child ill just for attention. It is obviously a disease as no mother wants to watch their little one suffer. It pains me to watch her burn up with fever and pull and tug at her ears. I dread putting antibiotics into her tiny, little body. I hate holding her down to put ear drops in her ears. I am embarrassed to admit how often she sees a doctor or that she has an ENT, an allergist/pulminologist, and a chiropractor. Yet all of these things are necessary.

As it stands now if she gets one more infection she will have her tubes removed as well as her adenoids. We are at a loss as to what is causing this and hope that we find a solution soon. Prayers are appreciated!


  1. Oh sooo awful to watch your baby hurt through something that they HAVE to have and you as mommy HAS to be there and see it! Soooo hard! I bawl everytime my kids get shots. I totally understand the Help Me Mommy look! Ugh! Heartwrenching! Praying for you guys! I would be soooo frustrated too! Just soo wanting her to be rid of them!

  2. Poor baby! I hope they can get the problem figured out soon!

  3. I've tried to keep my mouth shut- but you need a new ENT- this is CRAZY!!! Does Maddie have tubes yet? If not, why not? We LOVE Dr. Eisenbeis at St. John's... Poor baby, she needs help!!!

  4. Yes, she has tubes. And her ENT is wonderful! One of the best, actually. He came highly recommended. He refuses a one size fits all treatment and is working to help her without unnecessary surgeries. And I don't appreciate the insinuation that I am not trying my best for her. I am taking her to a chiropractor, an ENT, and an allergist. All of which are working to help her. I KNOW she needs help and I am doing everything that I can to make sure that she gets it!

  5. my son had a problem similar to this and he was allergic to the material that the tubes were made of.Different tubes on another material made all of the difference........

  6. of another material sorry.......

  7. So sorry you and Maddie are going through this. I hope you can get it straightened out. From everything I have read you are a good mom and doing everything you can. I know we as moms can't stop from blaming ourselves, but you have to try. Breastfeeding longer or other decisions would likely not have fixed her ears! We have been lucky in our house with very few ear infections and my older two were not breastfed at all (since that was not an option for them). So it is not a cure-all. I hope you all find the answer soon!

  8. You aren't a bad mom and I hate to say it, but regardless of how long you nursed her, she's probably still have the issues she does. I have two kids with medical issues, another with ADHD, and my youngest has eczema ... I can't fathom a parent making their child sick either. I hope you guys figure out what's going on with your little girl. It's NEVER fun to see them sick :(

    I'm all for breastfeeding but sometimes, they make us feel like our kids will never get sick if we do it "right" and that's not the case at all. I tried to breastfeed with all my boys and could never do it. I have two healthy boys (generally) and two who have a ton of health issues... had nothing to do with how long I could nurse them. #1 was born with his hands over his mouth, it was how he went, and was impossible to nurse him without help, someone had to hold his hands away from his face and me to do the rest, but then came the issue that I wasn't producing enough. After he lost a pound and a half, I gave him formula and finally the nightmare was over and I realized he had been starving... #2 was premature (1 lb 12oz) and by the time he could go to breast, I dried up, however, he got as much breast milk as I could produce (3 weeks) ... #3 was also extremely small, (3lbs 4oz at 36 weeks) .. and has a high closed cleft palate which made feeding a huge issue. I pumped for him as long as I could, but eventually I had to give it up...when we got home from the NICU he was eating every 2 hours, and I was literally, pumping, taking care of him, feeding him by NG Tube, trying to sleep, pumping, taking care of him, feeding him by NG Tube or trying to get him to eat from a bottle, trying to get 15 minutes of sleep.... eventually the lack of sleep caught up with me and I had to choose what was more important. I had a ton of frozen milk but then for some reason, when I'd give him the milk that had been frozen, he couldn't tolerate it... so I had to throw it all out. Sad day. I had a standing freezer FULL of it. Then my last child, #4 ... he nursed and nurse and nurse and was constantly at breast, literally would eat 20 minutes, and then want back on the breast 2 minutes later. Taking care of him and a 16 month old - and having PPD for the first time, I had to stop, and when I finally gave him a bottle of formula, it was like angels singing. I am totally pro-breastfeeding, but apparently it just wasn't for me :(

    Happy ICLW from #86 :D


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