This has been my mantra as of late. I repeat it over and over to remind myself that I am, in fact, a good mother that loves her baby and is doing everything that she can to make it all better. Why do feel like a failure, you ask? Because Maddie has her 10th, yes 10th, ear infection. Her 10th in 8 months, her 3rd since tubes. Yesterday she saw the ENT again and they suctioned her ears out. I cannot tell you how horrible this was!! It took 3 of us to hold her down, myself included. As I am holding her arms down and listening to her cries turn to screams I saw her face. She had this "Make it stop, Mommy" look on her face. She wanted me to fix it and make it all better but here I was, holding her down for them to cause the very thing hurting her. I bawled like a baby the entire time, covering the nurses arms in my tears. When it was finished I grabbed Maddie and help her tight, our tears mingling together.
I can't help but think that if I had nursed her longer we would not be going through this. Or if I cleaned my house better. Or what if I did not have pets? Would that have helped? Should I have taken her to the chiropractor sooner? Cut out dairy months ago? Why can't I make her boo-boo all better?
The truth is that I know in my head that I am doing absolutely everything possible for Maddie, but my heart still hurts. Recently I saw something on television about a woman with Munchausen by Proxy and I honestly could not comprehend how someone could actually make their child ill just for attention. It is obviously a disease as no mother wants to watch their little one suffer. It pains me to watch her burn up with fever and pull and tug at her ears. I dread putting antibiotics into her tiny, little body. I hate holding her down to put ear drops in her ears. I am embarrassed to admit how often she sees a doctor or that she has an ENT, an allergist/pulminologist, and a chiropractor. Yet all of these things are necessary.
As it stands now if she gets one more infection she will have her tubes removed as well as her adenoids. We are at a loss as to what is causing this and hope that we find a solution soon. Prayers are appreciated!