Our journey through infertility, failed adoptions and now parenthood through the miracle of embryo adoption/donation.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

What do you hate most about IF?

There are just so many things about infertility that are unpleasant that I think it can be difficult to say that any one thing is the worst. And what I hate most varies depending on where I am at in the journey. For many years I hated the pain. I think that the emptiness and loneliness it caused was awful. But more than the pain, the procedures, the costs, the years of waiting the worst part for me has been uncertainty. I could handle all of the above if I knew for sure what the destination would be. If all of the money would, with certainty, produce a child it would be less stressful. If all of the procedures and years of testing brought me a child then okay, let's move forward. But I had no such guarantee as none of us do. And for me, the first round did produce a child and for that I am thankful But now we are facing round number two and again we have certainty.  We have spent a few grand already and a lining scan on Monday could cancel it all. We could get past that part and go as far as getting to the clinic and then have no embryos survive the thaw. Or maybe they do and we transfer 2 perfect little embryos and still nothing. No take home baby. No guarantee. And no money left to try again. This is it for us. I doubt we will try again. The finances of this as well as the travel is causing me anxiety and it hard for me to focus on the positive of it all, the possibility of another child.

During all of this I can't help but think "Am I taking the right path?'. Am I? You can't answer that for me, but neither can I. When we were trying to adopt it all seemed so simple. A young woman needed a family for her baby and we needed a baby for our family. When that did not work out we moved to fertility treatments. That seemed simple enough except we needed third party help. We needed sperm and all of the simplistic views I had went out the window. Was this right? Would a child resent the path we chose? Would people judge us? Once we decided it was right for us it became "was this the right donor?". Then it failed. Four times. There is that uncertainty again. And we were left with "what next?". Was I supposed to continue moving up at my job and focus on that? Were we to be a family of two and put all of our money towards a house and getting completely out of debt? We decided that we could do those things later, but a baby was a limited time deal so we chose that route which brought us Maddie. Now here we are again, but this time I am not working and money is tight. We still don't have a house and while most of the debt is gone some is still there. Do we stop trying for a baby and put Maddie in preschool while I return to work? Focus on getting that house? Or do we spend every last dime we have in savings for a baby. Scratch that, it is a chance at a baby. No guarantees.

For now we will move forward. We will continue until that door is completely closed and we have no regrets. But I will tell you, regardless of where this path takes us, I will be glad when it is over. When I no longer have to worry about the next treatment, the next appointment. Infertility has dominated almost 15 years of my life and I want my life back! I want to be able to make a decision on anything other than infertility. Whether we buy a house, go on vacation, if I return to work, whatever it is it will be because we do or don't want to and not because we need the money of treatments or we want to try for a baby. But until then infertility is my master and I am at her mercy for a little bit longer.

What do you hate most about infertility?


  1. For me, it is the cost. We didn't have the waiting; we found out right away what the problem was, researched adoption and then moved to EA.
    But the thing that tempts me to bitterness is the cost. Other people get pregnant for free and I have to wait b/c I can't afford it. Even when I had failed transfers, I was most bitter about the wasted money. When my SIL had a miscarriage, I thought "at least you didn't spend $5000 getting there." People who can't afford to care for their kids get knocked up all the time, but we have to spend $$$ for just a chance at pregnancy.
    I don't know why it's a big deal for me. Money is not that important to us. We live very frugally and responsibly. I don't want nice things. I don't care if I never get to drive a car that's less than 10 years old. But it just irritates me that we have to pay so much money for something most people take for granted.
    Maybe I should go pray about that....

  2. For me, it was the realization that I have allowed the dream of a child to become an idol for me. It literally stood in my way of serving God. I allowed it to control what I thought and how I reacted to people's comments. I diverted all funds and spare time and effort to researching "the perfect route" to a baby that was no guarantee. It made me judge others for the ease with which they had kids and then didn't parent them the way I would've. It turned me into a self-absorbed, judgmental person who felt entitled.

    And yet, it was through the struggle and the eventual realization of my sin that God brought me closer to Him, and now I hold the hope of a child very lightly, looking forward to whatever the Lord has in store for us, even if that means no kids.

  3. I am with you: uncertainty! I hate getting my blood drawn and being on the phone with doctors constantly, but is not even a competition. I handle disappoitment better than I handle uncertainty (this is soemthing my therapist pointed out and she is sooo right! thats why I pay her the big bucks!) and this whole journey is uncertainty!! I am working on it but it is hard!!

  4. For me, it's the longing to want what I can't have- pregnancy. Each month I think "this could be the month" and I go through the heartache and disappointment each time, even though when I think about it, I truly would rather adopt again than have a biological child at this point.

  5. The uncertainty is a big one for me, too. If I just KNEW that all this was going to lead to a baby, it wouldn't be so hard. But my fear is that after all the time and effort and doctor's appointments and bills and tears and heartache, we will end this journey with arms just as empty as when we started. I am afraid that we will be done not because we finally got our take-home baby, but because we couldn't take the stress anymore or we ran out of funds to keep trying or (a huge fear of mine) because there was nothing left to try.

    And that is a devastating thing to contemplate.

  6. I could have written this post! I say ditto to everything you have said.


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