There are just so many things about infertility that are unpleasant that I think it can be difficult to say that any one thing is the worst. And what I hate most varies depending on where I am at in the journey. For many years I hated the pain. I think that the emptiness and loneliness it caused was awful. But more than the pain, the procedures, the costs, the years of waiting the worst part for me has been uncertainty. I could handle all of the above if I knew for sure what the destination would be. If all of the money would, with certainty, produce a child it would be less stressful. If all of the procedures and years of testing brought me a child then okay, let's move forward. But I had no such guarantee as none of us do. And for me, the first round did produce a child and for that I am thankful But now we are facing round number two and again we have certainty. We have spent a few grand already and a lining scan on Monday could cancel it all. We could get past that part and go as far as getting to the clinic and then have no embryos survive the thaw. Or maybe they do and we transfer 2 perfect little embryos and still nothing. No take home baby. No guarantee. And no money left to try again. This is it for us. I doubt we will try again. The finances of this as well as the travel is causing me anxiety and it hard for me to focus on the positive of it all, the possibility of another child.
During all of this I can't help but think "Am I taking the right path?'. Am I? You can't answer that for me, but neither can I. When we were trying to adopt it all seemed so simple. A young woman needed a family for her baby and we needed a baby for our family. When that did not work out we moved to fertility treatments. That seemed simple enough except we needed third party help. We needed sperm and all of the simplistic views I had went out the window. Was this right? Would a child resent the path we chose? Would people judge us? Once we decided it was right for us it became "was this the right donor?". Then it failed. Four times. There is that uncertainty again. And we were left with "what next?". Was I supposed to continue moving up at my job and focus on that? Were we to be a family of two and put all of our money towards a house and getting completely out of debt? We decided that we could do those things later, but a baby was a limited time deal so we chose that route which brought us Maddie. Now here we are again, but this time I am not working and money is tight. We still don't have a house and while most of the debt is gone some is still there. Do we stop trying for a baby and put Maddie in preschool while I return to work? Focus on getting that house? Or do we spend every last dime we have in savings for a baby. Scratch that, it is a chance at a baby. No guarantees.
For now we will move forward. We will continue until that door is completely closed and we have no regrets. But I will tell you, regardless of where this path takes us, I will be glad when it is over. When I no longer have to worry about the next treatment, the next appointment. Infertility has dominated almost 15 years of my life and I want my life back! I want to be able to make a decision on anything other than infertility. Whether we buy a house, go on vacation, if I return to work, whatever it is it will be because we do or don't want to and not because we need the money of treatments or we want to try for a baby. But until then infertility is my master and I am at her mercy for a little bit longer.
What do you hate most about infertility?