Our journey through infertility, failed adoptions and now parenthood through the miracle of embryo adoption/donation.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

The right way to build your family

Anyone that has dealt with infertility any length of time knows that people are chock full of advice. Some advice comes from ignorance: 'Just adopt", "Why do fertility treatments when there are so many kids in foster care?", "Oh, you should do IVF. I hear it works.". Other advice comes from passion. When you have success adopting, with IVF, or foster adoption it is easy to get caught up in it and think that everyone should choose that route. The problem with this thinking is that there is no one size fits all wen it comes to family building. Two families with the exact same diagnosis and financial situation may choose two different routes entirely. Each of us have a path to take and it is up to us to determine which path that is. Whether you choose international adoption, IVF several times, EA or choose not to pursue anything and allow God to choose are all right choices, just different. I see on forums from time to time people questioning another person's choice to build their family and it saddens me. I am passionate about embryo donation. Very passionate about it. It is the right way for us to complete our family. For me personally I cannot fathom spending $15k+ for IVF. It makes no sense. To me. It is not right for me. I have strong feelings about adoption based on my past experiences. Will we ever adopt? I have no plans to, but I won't count it out completely. It is the wrong choice for us at this time though. But for those that it is the right choice, I support it fully. I have a preference of anonymous donation versus known embryo adoption. I also disagree with agencies requiring a home study. But that is where I stand. I support those that choose that route.

When it comes to infertility we already have to defend and explain ourselves to those around us, the least we can do is stand together and support each other regardless if our paths are the same or not. There is no right..... or wrong..... way to build a family.


  1. I totally agree, I hated unsolicited advice and how other people always thought they had all of the answers. I guarantee you that they have no idea what they would actually do once faced with such a difficult decision. I think we all take different roads and thank goodness that we do have some choices (although sometimes it feels like we don't) in our attempt to pursue a family. I wish I had heard of embryo adoption earlier in my quest to conceive.

  2. I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE this post!!! Infertility comes in so many shapes and forms and it sucks to be the one who struggles with it. It should be left alone and how we choose our family should be left alone! I've struggled with infertility for 15 years and I realize that conceiving a child naturally just isn't part of the plan. I can't carry a child regardless of what type of IVF I choose. So, I'm forced to look at my options, adoption or foster. Regardless, we all want to be mommies and we all will find our way to get there through whatever means works for us and our different situations. Yah for standing up for us infertiles! :)

  3. Great post!
    I'm sick of explaining to people that I don't have the money or emotional fortitude to wade through the red tape to "just adopt" one of those imagined "thousands of kids who need a home." Yet I know someone who has fostered over 40 children and adopted a few of those. Everyone is different.....

  4. Great post. We did adopt and I am so glad we did, but it was not easy. People do not realize that you can not "just adopt". We had 2 failed adoptions after meeting, holding and feeding 2 little ones. Now after 2 years of trying to adopt again and another failed adoption and thousands lost we are so glad to hear about the option of EA.

  5. We were so lucky that most of the people in our lives were completely supportive of all our family building efforts and we heard very few insensitive remarks. After several failed IR procedures and a miscarriage...we explored adoption...there are many options but we did not want an open adoption....we wanted to be the only family and a lot of people did not understand that....but that is what was most comfortable for us. Luckily...our Hail mary IVF worked...so we didn't follow through on those plans. But for baby number two we then looked into foster adopt....seriously....all forms of adoption are terribly invasive to your private life, apply numerous restrictions to your parenting and have absolutely no guarantees. I would rather have 100 BFNs than have a baby taken from me after parenting for even a day. So we went with embryo donation too....and we wanted it anonymous. No home study, no invasion of our lives...no waiting period for that baby to be OURS. The benefits are immense...plus...we were in control of the environment while the baby was in utero. AND....the cost....the cost to grow our family needed to be reasonable.....by the time we got to EA...we had already spent about $40k....We did NOT have much money left ... and even the simplest domestic adoption runs around $20k.
    I totally understand where you are coming from....I wish we could just publish out a little pamphlet....Things NOT to say about how people choose to create a family!

  6. Thanks for posting this! Sometimes, even amoung the 'infertile' community, I think there is judgement about the choices people make regarding treatment, adoption, etc. I have even caught myself thinking "I can't believe she is doing that" from time to time. And I am SURE people think that about my choice often! Even people in my support group say things like "I cannot imagine using donor eggs" as if I am planning to raise a squirel as a child or soemthing! This was a very needed post! Thanks!


I love comments! They make me feel important.