Christy needs our prayers and our help

A month or so ago I came across a blog that really touched my heart. The blogger, Christy, has a blog, One Day At A Time that chronicles her journey of not only infertility and success, but of her beautiful daughter's struggle. Christy's daughter Camryn was born with Hydrocephalus (water on the brain). Camryn is very ill and has had to have surgery and see many specialist. Between medical bills, missing work, and other issues Christy and her husband are losing their home. I cannot imagine what they are going through right now!! Just the stress of having a seriously ill child is a lot to handle, but to lose their home as well is just devastating.

I do not know Christy personally, I just follow her blog. She has been hesitant to talk about money issues on her blog but circumstances has forced her to seek help. They are in need of $6000 to keep their house as well as $10 per day to remain in the Ronald McDonald House to be near Camryn. If I had the money I would send it to her in a heartbeat! I asked her to start a ChipIn account so that other bloggers could donate if they feel led to do so. She also has listed other ways to donate directly to the Ronald McDonald House as well.

There are several ways that you can help!

*First and foremost, pray for Camryn and Christy and her family. We can all do that!!!

*Show her some support. Follow her blog. Comment and let her know that you are thinking of her and praying for her family.

*Get the word out. Post on your blog about about Christy and her precious little girl.

*If you know of any organizations that can help her family please let her know. Or if you know of ways to fund raise quickly, please let her know that as well.

*Donate $10 to help pay for one day of their stay in the RM House.

*Pray about donating more.

Take a moment to put yourself in Christy's shoes. To struggle with infertility, pay thousands of dollars for fertility treatments, be blessed with two children and now one fights for her life, all while trying to keep your home. Many woman would collapse under such pressure, but Christy is trying to remain strong for her daughter. So please, take a moment to show her some support!!!!

EA/D clinics??

For those of you that have either done EA/D or have researched it please share the clinics that you have used and/or researched that have programs. We are beginning to consider where we want to go for our next FET (which we hope will be in the fall of 2011) and since our clinic closed we are starting from scratch. If you know of a program please include as much as the following information as possible:

*Web address
*If it requires a homestudy
*How long you waited
*Price range (not including meds)
*Any other pertinent information

I will use these for my own personal research but will also compile it and include it on here for others. Thanks!

return of the cRaZiEs!!!

Recently I posted about how I was thinking that maybe, just maybe I would get pregnant this month. That magically my hubby would develop spermies and my eggies would find their way around the blockage in my tube. Yeah, like that will happen. On Christmas Eve I was dreaming of how wonderful it would be to announce this miraculous event and thought that if I had a pregnancy test that I would take it as a sign that it was to be. Later I went to the bathroom and while sittin' on the potty I noticed something in the basket next to me. What was it? Could it be? A pregnancy test??? It was! It was! And an early detection one no less! I thought: It's a sign! After a full year of not taking a pg test there was one just sitting there, beggin to be peed on. It must be a sign of a BFP!!

But as all infertiles know there are no signs. It was a big. fat. negative. And I was fine. Really I was. Though had it been positive I would have been fine-er. After that I scolded myself for being a looney, addictive POAS-er and vowed never to do it again. Then I dug the test out of the trash just to make sure. Still nuttin'. So I learned my lesson and quit obsessin' (I rhymed!!! Man, am I cool!)

AF was due today and after 24 hours of uncomfortable cramping I put on my big girl panties (okay, maybe they were more like my PMS panties...all holey and ugly) and waited for the crimson tide. And still nothing. Except now my looney infertile self is sitting on my shoulder telling me to POAS again. I swear, I am an HPT POAS junkie!!! But I will not give in! I will not do it! Today. Maybe tomorrow. Or not. I don't know. Maybe...........

unfair choices

With the new year quickly approaching the hubby and I are discussing things that we want to do in 2011. There is obligatory "get out of debt", "lose weight" and "save money" goals that we have every year. And usually fail at. But hey, it makes me feel productive to see it written down on a list. One of our goals is to buy a house. In fact, it has been our goal every year for about 5 years. Back in 2001 we were renting a place and they owners sold it so we had to move. At that time we discusses whether we wanted to buy or rent again. We decided to compromise and bought a mobile home. My hubby travels a lot and back then I was on the road with him. It seemed silly to buy a house that we would rarely live in. And the court that we live in is super nice and very safe. Hubby never worries about leaving me home alone and I like that security. Our town is a safe area, but we are only 15 miles from one of the top cities for crime so anything is possible so the security was a huge bonus.

About 2 years after we moved here I quit traveling and we discussed buying a house. But we also wanted to adopt and felt like we could not afford both so we stayed. Two failed adoptions later we began discussing it again. We felt like to time was right and contacted a realtor and started saving money. Then I got the idea to try IUI with donor sperm. There went the down payment for a house! Who knew sperm was so expensive! After that didn't work we went back to saving for a house again. And well, that didn't last! We did EA instead and I am glad that we did!!

Now we are discussing it again. And once again we may be forced to make a choice: baby or house. If we buy a house we will have to wait until almost 2013 to do EA again. And I will be 36. Not old, but older than I would like. And if we do EA next year we will have to wait on a house. And age doesn't matter when buying a house! This whole discussion irritates me though. I hate that we have to choose. I really want a house!! My mobile home is nice and all, but it depreciates in value. Do you know how aggravating it is to put a new roof, carpets, floors and paint and many updates into a place only to have it appraise for what you owe on it. Aggravating, I tell ya!

The fact that so many people never have to consider this when making a baby makes me sad. Not sad for them, but sad for me. Sad that baby making is not fun, but a bit of an ordeal. And an expensive one at that! I mean, seriously, if I wanted to spend thousands of dollars to get pregnant I would much rather it be for a Hawaiian vacation and a sexy nightie instead of boxes of drugs and a catheter. But I keep telling myself even though it may be unfair I should be thankful that the option is even available. Maybe I should start playing the lottery............

Merry Christmas, Everyone!!

Wow, it has been quite some time since I last posted. I rarely go more than a few days, but it has been over 10 days. Life was just very busy there for awhile. We took a 10 hour trip to PA last week to visit family. I am happy to say that Maddie did great! She is quite the little traveler. Now we are just getting ready for Christmas with my family.

For those of you that are hurting this time of the year, whether from loss, missing a loved one or still waiting for your miracle, please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Merry Christmas, Everyone!!!

having fertile thoughts

I had Maddie almost 4 months ago. Before that I was on bed rest for 6 weeks. So I had 6 weeks of no nookie before delivery, 6 weeks after. Then 2 periods, sleepless nights, weeks of migraines. Well, let's just say that this house resembled a monastery. Or a convent. Or my parents house. Cause we all know that they never "do it". EEWWWWWW! This was much to my hubby's dismay. Well, last night we....well, use your imagination. On second thought, I wouldn't do that if I were you!! I have seen us nekkid and it ain't pretty!!

So after we "got it on" (said in my best Chris Farley voice from Billy Madison) we were talking (and cuddling, my hubby is good like that) and I said "Ya know, if I got pregnant tonight I would be due 2 weeks after Maddie's birthday." Did I really just say that ?!?!?! Does my brain not know that I am reproductively challenged? That the swimmers are AWOL? That my eggs are locked up tighter than Fort Knox? Did my cerebral cortex (oooh, look! big word!) forget? Does it think that because I got pregnant once that I am fixed?? I might understand it better had I gotten knocked up the old fashion way, but I don't consider a nurse, an RE, an embryologist, hubby and myself very
'old fashion". Maybe in 50 years it will be, but not yet. So somewhere along the way my brain has begun to think like a fertile. Now if only my uterus will get the memo!

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Maddie...a year in review

Here is Maddie one year ago today:



And six days later:



Two weeks after that:



At 12 weeks:



At 38 weeks:





Newborn:



1 month:



2 months:



3 months:



And today, almost 4 months:

one for you, one for me

Let me tell you two stories, one of which is the reason for this post.

First one: Couple were married about the same time hubby and I were. Back in 2003 we had both been ttc for over 6 year. She had PCOS and clomid was not working. In 2004-ish she contracted Hep A from a Mexican restaurant. Right after treatment for it she got pregnant. I was overjoyed for her!! The doctors had no idea why she got pregnant so easily, but they think that the Hep A reset something in her body or the drugs did something. Really, they don't know. She had her daughter about the time our Abbie was born. A few months later we lost Abbie. A few months later she told me she was pregnant again. I rarely see her because she lives out of state. Actually, I haven't seen her in about 4 years but in those 4 years she has been busy. After her second child was born she got pregnant again, this time with twins. But that's not all! (said in my best infomercial voice) She had a second set of twins! All in 5 years. Yes, 6 children 5 and under. And all without medical intervention.

Second one: One their first anniversary her hubby was diagnosed with testicular cancer and in the hospital for emergency surgery. It all happened so quickly that there was not time to freeze any sperm. He had one testicle removed and had chemo. Doctors told them that they would never have children. Because she had some ovulation issues as well they used clomid to see if they could get pregnant with the few sperm he had left. She did, with a baby boy. They tried again a year later and she did, but had a miscarriage. They decided to wait awhile and recover before trying again and during that time, you guessed it! Pregnant! With twins!!! Then 5 months later, pregnant again. When that baby was 4 months old, pregnant again! Another family with 5 babies in 5 years. But I am truly happy for both of these families, though a bit jealous as well. I am big girl and can admit that!

Yesterday, couple number 2 announced that they are expecting again. Baby number 6 for them, four years after their last one was born. Again, I am happy but jealous. As I was thinking of both of these couples along with the Dug.gars and Octo.mom I began to think about how, when you are a kid, you are taught to "play fair". If you have candy you pass it out, giving one for them, one for you. I often wonder why procreation is not the same. Why doesn't God give one to the fertile families then one to an infertile one? I am not saying that these families can't have big families. Well, I question Octo.mom, but not the others. If God had taken all 14 of the crazy mom's kids, 8 of the Dugg.ars, and 2 from each of my other examples and given one each to infertile couples then 28 couples would have a baby! 28!!! And it would still leave each family with a large family.

While I do not understand His ways, I do know that they are perfect. But I may never, ever understand them. Sometimes I wish He would play our version of "fair".

christmas

O Mod Tannenbaum Christmas

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You might an Infertile if....

You buy pregnancy tests and OPKs in bulk.

You have played with your cervical mucous to determine where you are at in your cycle.

You read AI and you think artificial insemination, not American I.dol.

The sentence "My RE did a BETA and my HCG was .2 so this IVF was a BFN." makes sense to you.

Your hoo-ha has been seen by more men than a crack whore.

Vagi-wands no longer scare you.

You know what a vagi-wand is.

You walk into the RE's office and you are known by name. Like Norm on Cheers.

You can give yourself a shot better than most nurses.

Packing for a trip includes your BBT chart, OPKs and vials of fertility meds.

You checking account has more withdrawals from ABC Fertility Clinic than from Wally World.

You think of money in terms of treatments. new car = 1 IVF

You tell your hubby you can't have sex tonight because you are not ovulating.

You know that between your boobies is the warmest place to store a spermie sample during transport.

You know which labs have the best "happy rooms" for hubby to provide said sample.

Your medicine cabinet contains needles, vials and pregnancy tests.

When asked what day it is you answer "CD 4".

Have one to add?? Let's hear it!

Betrayal

Yesterday we had the radio on listening to Christmas music. I lurves me some Christmas music!! Usually I wait until the day after Thanksgiving to crank it up, but this year I couldn't wait. While on the way to church the Faith Hill song "A Baby Changes Everything" came on. Instinctively my hand gripped the steering will and my hackles raised. I know that the song is talking of baby Jesus and it really is a beautiful song, but all of those past feelings came rushing back and I went into a defensive and protective stance. Then I thought of Maddie and I relaxed. It was okay to like the song. Then I felt guilty. I betrayed my infertile sisters. In my head I know that I didn't, but I can't help that my heart felt this way. And I hurt for all of those still waiting. And for those that have lost a little one.

I am still trying to find the balance between fertile and infertile. For Maddie's sake I am learning to embrace all things mommy. I want to be the best mommy that I can be for her. She does not deserve the baggage that infertility has accumulated. But to completely ignore the past 12 years is to betray a part of myself. The part that has become more compassionate. Stronger. I cannot ignore her. I kinda like her now!

This year I am going to do my best to embrace all of the joys of the season, but I will also take time to remember those that are hurting. I am going to start a prayer list for the rest of this month. If you are having a hard time right now please post your request here, even if it is just a "please pray for me". And if you are in a position to pray for others please commit to praying for those that respond here. I am no one special. My prayers won't make it His ears any faster. But I know that there are times while in the valley that it can be hard to pray, so let's lift each other up in prayer. Who better to pray for you than someone who has walked a mile in your shoes?

I'll never get to say Thank You

As the anniversary of our FET approaches I am experiencing am myriad of emotions. Most all of them are good but one is not. One is that of sadness. It makes me sad that I will never get to thank the couple that allowed us to give Maddie life. I will never get to hug them. Maddie will never know them or her siblings. All of this just breaks my heart.

Originally we wanted an open donation but God had other plans. As sad as it makes me I would not change the path that we took as it brought us Maddie. I could never regret anything that brought us Maddie! But I do wish that I could express to this wonderful couple just how grateful we are to them. To recognize the sacrifice that they made. I know that donating the embryos were not an easy decision for them and I would love for them to know that I appreciate the decision they made.

It also makes me wonder what to so next year. We want to try again but do we do anonymous again so that it is the same for both children? Or do we try for an open one this time? If we do, how will Maddie feel about it? These are things that I had not thought about previously but am giving careful consideration now. Has anyone had children from both an anonymous and an open donation? If so, please share your thoughts. Or if someone can offer some perspective, please do!

And to all of those that have donated their embryos, I thank you!!!!

deja vu

Once I had Maddie, I thought that I was in clear. How wrong I was!! For about a month now I have had people ask me when were going to start trying for baby number two. I didn't think much of it until it was followed with "Don't wait too long. You don't want too many years between them.". Then it hit me: This is all going to start again, isn't it?? All the personal questions. All the prying. All the advice. Well, that is just fan-freakin-tastic!! How come no one warned me of this?? After being infertile for over 10 years people finally began to pity me enough to quit asking so I was not prepared for this.

What really sucks is that people assume that my body figured it out once so it will again. Right? WRONG!!! Having a baby will not cure what is wrong with us. For some it might, but not us. But all of the fertile experts are going to tell me it will, I just know it. I am going to have to start explaining all of this again, aren't I? BLEH! This time things will be different though. It will not be as difficult as I do now have a baby. It will also be fun as I have lost my discretion. You wanna ask me a personal question?? Do ya?? Go for it! But they had best be prepared to hear my answers. "What? Have another baby? Sure! But we have to wait until the statute of limitations runs out for kidnapping this one first!". Or "Yeah, we want more but we used up all of our sperm and eggs on this one. Bummer! Hey, you wouldn't happen to have any extras we could borrow, do you?? It only takes one, right?". This time around I don't plan on being as nice. I am a veteran. I have paid my dues. So go ahead, make my day! Ask me! I dare ya!!! =D

How do you give back?

With the Christmas season upon us the desire to give is stronger. Or at least it should be!! With our economy it breaks my heart to know that there are so many families struggling for not only Christmas gifts but basic necessities. We have been blessed to always have our needs met and often able to have nice gifts for our families as well, though we do have to pinch and scrape for them at times. But even though money is not abundant for us, we still have more than many families.

This year I want to be able to help in some way. Currently I am donating 3 large packs of diapers to needy families. I was planning on selling them on Craigs.list but posted them on Freecycle instead. The response was overwhelming!! I split them up between 3 families and they will be picking them up today. Though this will be helpful to theses families it is but a small sacrifice for me. Maddie had outgrown them and they were from my baby shower so it cost me nothing, not even time. One responder was collecting gifts for a needy family as well as diapers and I also gave her a Zhu Zhu pet that I had purchased for my niece. Again, not much of a sacrifice for me.

I am happy to be helping these people but I want to do more. My church is small and does not have any outreach ministries of this nature. I am wanting to find somewhere to help and maybe even take my niece as well. So I am looking for ideas. I am not sure if I can make a long term commitment but would like to help in some way for the holiday season. So tell me, how do you give back? And if you don't, will you consider it?