Our journey through infertility, failed adoptions and now parenthood through the miracle of embryo adoption/donation.

Friday, December 3, 2010

I'll never get to say Thank You

As the anniversary of our FET approaches I am experiencing am myriad of emotions. Most all of them are good but one is not. One is that of sadness. It makes me sad that I will never get to thank the couple that allowed us to give Maddie life. I will never get to hug them. Maddie will never know them or her siblings. All of this just breaks my heart.

Originally we wanted an open donation but God had other plans. As sad as it makes me I would not change the path that we took as it brought us Maddie. I could never regret anything that brought us Maddie! But I do wish that I could express to this wonderful couple just how grateful we are to them. To recognize the sacrifice that they made. I know that donating the embryos were not an easy decision for them and I would love for them to know that I appreciate the decision they made.

It also makes me wonder what to so next year. We want to try again but do we do anonymous again so that it is the same for both children? Or do we try for an open one this time? If we do, how will Maddie feel about it? These are things that I had not thought about previously but am giving careful consideration now. Has anyone had children from both an anonymous and an open donation? If so, please share your thoughts. Or if someone can offer some perspective, please do!

And to all of those that have donated their embryos, I thank you!!!!


  1. I do not have any experience, but it is something I think about in looking to adopt a second child. We may look to do international next time, and will that child see and miss the opportunity our first child may have as far as relationship with birth family? I think it's something to pray about and I believe God will guide you to your answer!

  2. What was the benefit of going closed? I am just starting to look into the possibility of embryo adoption and was wondering. I hope you find peace with your future decision. Even though it's not the same situation, we are also faced with considering the details of our first adoption, in our plans to adopt again. How will she relate? How will this affect how she handles her own history? It's really hard to know, as all individuals process their adoptions differently. We never know what will be right for THEM, as individuals. All we can do is make the best decision with the tools we have.

  3. Liz, the benefit was that there was no wait and the cost was much less. The situation fell in our lap and the right time. And though those are not the only reasons they were good ones. And we looked at it this way: every embryo deserves a chance at life. Also, if we were given the chance to adopt in a closed adoption we would not turn it down based solely on it being closed even if we preferred open.

  4. Jess, I canot offer advise, just what our situation currently is. We were open to a closed or open adoption, whatever God had in store for us. Well, we are going into this FET with 6 embies. 5 from one family (genetic family-closed 1st adoptive family-is open) and then our latest addition our little 5 day blast this adoption was closed tightly. We got a biographical sketch and a few pics and know that there are genetic siblings, but we will never know more I am afraid. So, we could have embies transferred from both families, I could have twins, one child would be an open adoption and one would be closed. We do not care though. Whatever God intends we are fine with & will equip us to handle. The whole idea of the possibilities is indeed enough to make your head spin doesn't it? It sure does mine!!

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  6. "We want to try again but do we do anonymous again so that it is the same for both children? Or do we try for an open one this time? If we do, how will Maddie feel about it?"

    Wow, Jess. I have never been in the position to consider this so I am not sure what the right answer is. I will tell you, with 100% certainty, that the placing family of our snow babies is amazing. They have been so excited and supportive of us. The mom comments on my blog occasionally (but she doesn't want to be intrusive in any way, but they are so excited for all of us!). We talk on the phone from time to time, and it is always for at least 45 minutes. We cannot wait to meet them and get all of the children together! Their kids are beautiful and I get to see their latest pics on facebook all of the time. One of the most amazing parts of this journey for me thus far, has been this connection between our two families.

    I posted all of the above to demonstrate what the connection of an open adoption can be like. I would love for you to have the same experience because I cannot imagine what it would be like without it. However, you do have Maddie to consider and I am afraid this is not an easy decision, no matter how you look at it. When I really think about it though, I tend to think that Maddie will be okay with either decision. Kids are resilient. Obviously, we can't know for sure. Maddie will always be special because she was your first baby. Perhaps it really won't matter in the long run. There is no reason why baby #2's genetic siblings couldn't be called Maddie's "snow brothers/sisters" as well, since there is the embryo adoption link. I am just thinking out loud.

    I hope this helps.

  7. About a year and a half ago a fellow blogger I had come very close to through blogs and email did an IVF cycle that failed. They had told her it was an egg quality issue. I wanted so badly to help her become a mother, and so I discussed with my sister and husband about donating eggs to her. I knew that if I did, I would have to close contact with her though because the thought of there being a child that was half mine out there was weird enough. I knew I couldn't handle seeing pictures of a baby that was partly mine, knowing the baby would never be mine. Luckily, and miraculously, she got pregnant on her own.

    I totally understand the decision to anonymously donate embryos, but I also understand how you would want to thank them. If I were in your shoes, I would want to thank them too.

    I think when the time comes the decision may be made for you. I know you will be happy with whichever way it turns out.

  8. This is certainly something they didn't cover in couselling: how to deal with not being able to say 'thank you'. We won't know until the end of the week whether the ovums our anonymous donor gave us will the the building blocks for our family, however it has been an emotional journey so far and painful not to say 'thank you'. I thank someone when he or she holds a door open; how can I not thank someone who has without compensation gone through an IVF cycle to give me eggs?! Our clinic let us send her a card through them, but it still doesn't seem enough. Even if I don't get pregnant or have a child, it still won't feel like enough.

    So no answers - but I understand a bit of what you're feeling. ((HUGS))

  9. I struggle with this a bit too. But in a different way....We have a biological son and then chose embryo donation for our 2nd child. She is just shy of three weeks old now and I am just so overwhelmed with gratitude for the couple that gave her to us. I wonder how she will handle the fact that her brother is genetically ours and she is not. However, we preferred the anonymous donation vs. open because we really just wanted "1 family" for her while growing up. The couple who gave us their embryos actually used an egg donor though and her profile is open...so if Genevieve (our daughter) wants to contact her later in life she can...so as much as I like the anonymous donation....I do feel an over whelming sense of gratitude and would love to at least let them know that we so appreciate their selfless gift to us. I will send a note to our clinic with her birth announcement and let them know in the event they have contact with that couple again....but for now....I just give all my thanks to God who guided all of us on this journey...because really...without His plan...none of this would have taken place.



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