Yesterday we had the radio on listening to Christmas music. I lurves me some Christmas music!! Usually I wait until the day after Thanksgiving to crank it up, but this year I couldn't wait. While on the way to church the Faith Hill song "A Baby Changes Everything" came on. Instinctively my hand gripped the steering will and my hackles raised. I know that the song is talking of baby Jesus and it really is a beautiful song, but all of those past feelings came rushing back and I went into a defensive and protective stance. Then I thought of Maddie and I relaxed. It was okay to like the song. Then I felt guilty. I betrayed my infertile sisters. In my head I know that I didn't, but I can't help that my heart felt this way. And I hurt for all of those still waiting. And for those that have lost a little one.
I am still trying to find the balance between fertile and infertile. For Maddie's sake I am learning to embrace all things mommy. I want to be the best mommy that I can be for her. She does not deserve the baggage that infertility has accumulated. But to completely ignore the past 12 years is to betray a part of myself. The part that has become more compassionate. Stronger. I cannot ignore her. I kinda like her now!
This year I am going to do my best to embrace all of the joys of the season, but I will also take time to remember those that are hurting. I am going to start a prayer list for the rest of this month. If you are having a hard time right now please post your request here, even if it is just a "please pray for me". And if you are in a position to pray for others please commit to praying for those that respond here. I am no one special. My prayers won't make it His ears any faster. But I know that there are times while in the valley that it can be hard to pray, so let's lift each other up in prayer. Who better to pray for you than someone who has walked a mile in your shoes?
There is a lady who goes to my best friend"s church, She is 40 years old. After years of IF she had one 5 year old daughter. After thinking that she would raise her daughter as an only, this summer she unexpectedly became pregnant with a baby girl. They were overjoyed but the baby failed to grow properly and was diagnosed with IUGR. The mother refused to admit defeat to the Dr.s diagnosis and steadfastly stayed positive and continued to plan for this baby to come home. Yesterday at 25 weeks the baby had to be delivered by C-section and weighed less than one pound. This baby girl is alive and holding her own with medical assistance. Please pray for this family, that no matter the outcome, that they may be comforted. I don't even know this person, but her story has touched me and I pray for the best outcome for her and her family and eventual peace if that is not the case.
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful idea, Jess!
ReplyDeleteI would like to ask anyone who can spare a prayer to pray for us... first & foremost, for His will to be done; secondly, for wisdom & guidance along this road (sometimes, I just don't know which path to follow or if I'm following the right treatment plan or even if I should just stop & consider adoption); & then for us to get pg, His comfort, & the finances & resources for this journey.
I'm having a laprascopy this Friday so any extra prayers for that would be nice. =)
So sorry that this is a little long. *blush* I commit to pray for those who respond as well. ((hugs)) to all!
I love this season and I love the songs too. I also hate how so many things make me stop in my tracks and bring instant tears to my eyes.
ReplyDeletePlease pray that I can continue let the joy outweigh the sadness and for LIFE for my next transfer. January 5th, 2011 will be the big day! Please pray for us!
I would appreciate prayers as we navigate the domestic adoption road. I'm getting pretty frustrated with our social worker who doesn't have that sense of "urgency" to get our paperwork done that I do. And... I'm still infertile as well, so I have those same feelings of sadness during the holidays.
ReplyDeleteThanks for doing this!
Beautifully written, I imagine it is a very difficult balance, as you said Maddie doesn't automatically erase all that has happened to you. Thank you for remembering all of us and also embracing the joy, you deserve it my friend! I'd like for prayers that better things await us in 2011.
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