Yesterday we had the radio on listening to Christmas music. I lurves me some Christmas music!! Usually I wait until the day after Thanksgiving to crank it up, but this year I couldn't wait. While on the way to church the Faith Hill song "A Baby Changes Everything" came on. Instinctively my hand gripped the steering will and my hackles raised. I know that the song is talking of baby Jesus and it really is a beautiful song, but all of those past feelings came rushing back and I went into a defensive and protective stance. Then I thought of Maddie and I relaxed. It was okay to like the song. Then I felt guilty. I betrayed my infertile sisters. In my head I know that I didn't, but I can't help that my heart felt this way. And I hurt for all of those still waiting. And for those that have lost a little one.
I am still trying to find the balance between fertile and infertile. For Maddie's sake I am learning to embrace all things mommy. I want to be the best mommy that I can be for her. She does not deserve the baggage that infertility has accumulated. But to completely ignore the past 12 years is to betray a part of myself. The part that has become more compassionate. Stronger. I cannot ignore her. I kinda like her now!
This year I am going to do my best to embrace all of the joys of the season, but I will also take time to remember those that are hurting. I am going to start a prayer list for the rest of this month. If you are having a hard time right now please post your request here, even if it is just a "please pray for me". And if you are in a position to pray for others please commit to praying for those that respond here. I am no one special. My prayers won't make it His ears any faster. But I know that there are times while in the valley that it can be hard to pray, so let's lift each other up in prayer. Who better to pray for you than someone who has walked a mile in your shoes?