Hope & Despair

There are many situations in life that cause despair yet we must find a way to hope. Illness, death, divorce. For me it is infertility. So much of the last 15 years has caused me to despair. Failed adoptions, failed cycles, and many pregnancy announcements have all contributed to my despair. Yet the only way to move forward is to find some hope.

After finally having success with having Maddie I had put most of that despair away. I thought for sure that though we would always need medical intervention we would still be successful. It never occurred to me that our FET in January would end with........nothing. Nothing but a traumatic travel experience, a depleted savings account and several one lined HPTs. Oh, and a few seashells. That is it. Nothing to really show for all of the time, money and travel. It was such a waste. Yet it wasn't. I had to go through that to get the chance to try again at a much reduced rate. But what if this doesn't work? I have to hope that it will or I couldn't proceed. But if it doesn't it may mean that our hope has ended. If we have no embryos remaining we will have to stop. And that causes despair. I am not quite ready to quit. Yet I am tired of this struggle. So very tired. Almost 15 years of my life has been dedicated to trying to add children to our family.  We skipped vacations, postponed buying a house and gave up on a career just to do this. And yes, it was worth it. Maddie was worth ever. single. day. Every tear, every dollar, every test. And trying again will be worth it as well, even if things do not end how I want them to. I will know that I have given it my all. I won't be left with what-ifs and what might have been's. I will know that this is the path God has chosen and I will have to move on.

But until it is over I will try to gather as much hope as I can and leave despair behind.