Our journey through infertility, failed adoptions and now parenthood through the miracle of embryo adoption/donation.

Friday, April 19, 2013

Hope & Despair

There are many situations in life that cause despair yet we must find a way to hope. Illness, death, divorce. For me it is infertility. So much of the last 15 years has caused me to despair. Failed adoptions, failed cycles, and many pregnancy announcements have all contributed to my despair. Yet the only way to move forward is to find some hope.

After finally having success with having Maddie I had put most of that despair away. I thought for sure that though we would always need medical intervention we would still be successful. It never occurred to me that our FET in January would end with........nothing. Nothing but a traumatic travel experience, a depleted savings account and several one lined HPTs. Oh, and a few seashells. That is it. Nothing to really show for all of the time, money and travel. It was such a waste. Yet it wasn't. I had to go through that to get the chance to try again at a much reduced rate. But what if this doesn't work? I have to hope that it will or I couldn't proceed. But if it doesn't it may mean that our hope has ended. If we have no embryos remaining we will have to stop. And that causes despair. I am not quite ready to quit. Yet I am tired of this struggle. So very tired. Almost 15 years of my life has been dedicated to trying to add children to our family.  We skipped vacations, postponed buying a house and gave up on a career just to do this. And yes, it was worth it. Maddie was worth ever. single. day. Every tear, every dollar, every test. And trying again will be worth it as well, even if things do not end how I want them to. I will know that I have given it my all. I won't be left with what-ifs and what might have been's. I will know that this is the path God has chosen and I will have to move on.

But until it is over I will try to gather as much hope as I can and leave despair behind.


  1. It takes courage to not be overcome with despair at moments like this. You are a strong woman and you have been through so much. I truly hope you have a second child :)

  2. No matter what happens, FETs are never a waste seeing as all embryos deserve a chance out of the freezer and at birth. Let that encourage your heart, even though I know the pain of negative cycles. Hope you get a positive with this next one! :)

  3. I could have written this post. In fact, it's been brewing in my head; I might still post my version this weekend. We had so much hope, only to be left in despair. And a head full if "what if's". What if it doesn't work this next time?
    But Jenn is right. Those embryos that didn't make it are blessed by being releases to heaven. There IS a purpose. Sometimes that's all we hold on to.....

  4. Ditto of what Jennifer said. I am thinking of you. :)

  5. Moments like this truly test our stamina and our ability to believe. I hope and pray you find success this time around.

    ICLW #66 Dragondreamer's Lair

  6. And remember... you'll have all eternity to get to know those babies you've lost.

  7. Sending you some extra hope today.

    I think it takes a lot of courage to walk this path, and keep trying.


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