why Aunt Flo and not Uncle Gush?

I used to wonder how we came up with AF or Aunt Flo. Yes, I understand the Flo=flow part. I get it. Cute. Whatever. But did we really need to assign it a feminine name? Like a woman would really curse another woman with blood flowing out of her gina? Why not Uncle Gush or Cousin Drip? But today it came to me. Men don't play games. Women are catty and like to tease. As I sit here waiting for the elusive Aunt Flo to arrive I finally understand why our periods are of the feminine gender. No man would stay away when he is expected only to show up with a vendetta. Nor would a man arrive a week early and mess up a vacation. Women get angry and like to show you who is boss, much like AF is doing right now.

When my cycle was cancelled last Friday I was told to remove all 4 patches at the same time and that with my lining already at 16 that I should start in 3-4 days. Did that happen? Of course not! This crazy Aunt of mine decided it would be funny to screw everything up and wait. I can only imagine how bad this cycle will be when she finally does decide to show her ugly face. Why can't Aunt Flow be that nice aunt that everyone one envies instead of the crazy one you hide from at family gatherings?

sharing the cuteness

The other night Maddie was in bed with me and said "I cuddle" She then wrapped her arms around my neck,  kissed my cheek and said "I luv you, Momma." My heart just melted. Those 12 years of waiting were so worth it! I still marvel that she is really mine. That God gave her to us. Without EA she would not be here with us. We may never have a child's laughter to fill our home. But we do and she is such a joy. A terror at times, but mainly a joy! Here are a few photos of my cutie for you all.

 

Diva.....with upside down glasses
 

Creative dressing. Please notice the Elmo pj pants and mismatched shoes. But everything is pink so she "matches".
 

 
She is going to be a Bumble Bee for Halloween

Holy Hormones, Batman!

On Friday I was wearing 4 Vivelle dot patches. When the nurse called to tell me that they cycle was cancelled she told me to remove all four of the patches at once and that AF would start in about 3-4 days. No big deal, right? Wrong! My hormones are all over the place. I am a crazy, schizo psychopath! Once minute I am fine, just enjoying the day. The next minute my head does a 360 spin and pea soup starts flying. And then I cry because I have no control. I am starting to get on my own nerves. And how do you get away from yourself?

I really hope that AF shows up soon so that this can start leveling off. Also, I think that the nurse said that I can start the patches again once that happens. But I was so upset when she called I can't remember if I was supposed to have a cycle and then start the NEXT cycle. So I will have to call tomorrow so that I can be prepared.

I am getting better about the whole canceled cycle thing. I am still not happy about it, but ready to get started again. I am tired of my life revolving around all of this. I had almost 2 years of just enjoying life and not feeling like I was jumping through hoops just for the chance of trying for a baby. Being on this roller coaster again is not something I missed. And it is a bad time to do this as almost every woman of childbearing age at church is pregnant right now. One just had baby #4, one is pregnant with baby #4, and two are pregnant with baby #5. Another just had baby #8. Yeah, it is a  fertile place. For the fertiles, anyway. And this is a small church of less than 200 peeps. I am yet again the one that is left out. And if we are successful I will be the last one again. When I had Maddie I was the last of 5 woman to have a baby in a 5 month period. By the time my shower came around people were so over showers.

I am trying to shake off this moodiness and get things ready for the next go round. And prepare my heart in case it is yet again canceled. I am so over infertility!!!

cycle has been canceled

Just like, it is over. I went for my lining check and blood work yesterday. I called the clinic right away to let them know that both were done and to call me in the afternoon if they had not received the results. At noon the nurse called and she had not received anything yet. So I began making calls and trying to get things done and finally the most important one, the results of my lining, was faxed and the nurse said she thought it looked good but needed to let the RE see it. She called back 20 minutes later. My lining was too thick. I just couldn't believe it. I didn't even know that was possible and it looks like this really varies between RE's. Some do not care as long as it is at least 8 (I think that is right) and others want it no thocker than 12. Mine was 16 and my RE says it is too thick.

I had a fear of this cycle being cancelled due to the test results being delayed. Or because my consent forms had not been received yet (sent them priority mail days ago and they had still not been delivered). But not once did it occur to me that my body would not cooperate. I had such a great response last time that I assumed (foolish me) that it would be the same this time. And in a way it was, just too good of a response. Darn overachieving uterus.

So I took off all of the patches yesterday and should start a period in the next 3-4 days. Once that happens we can start over. I really hope that it does start soon as if it waits too long it will mean that I need to travel during Thanksgiving which would not be fun.

I am really surprised at how hard this has hit me. It has made me take a step back and try to get my head and heart in the right place. If this can throw me off so badly what will a BFN do to me? I even prayed that it be canceled if this was not the right time. Yet when that happened I was upset. And really it is not just the delay so much as it is the extra money. Each lining check is $265 and it feels like I am just throwing money away. But without it I would have spent money on traveling and even a FET that most likely would not work. SO in a way it was a good thing. It just hurts like a bad thing.

So off to eat away my sorrows. I am baking all day today to make myself feel better. :)

Priceless? I think not!

Yesterday my hubby and I were talking about the fees still due for the our upcoming cycle and this lead to how much we have spent to have a baby. Between the 4 IUIs with donor sperm, the 2 failed adoptions and 2 rounds of EA we are up to about $20K. Or an arm, a leg and half a kidney. Maddie is priceless but baby making is not! I recently reconnected with a coworker from about 15 years ago and found that they had fertility issues as well. They did IVF and then adopted spending $50k for it all. Does this strike anyone else as insane?!?! While I completely believe that doctors, nurses, embryologists and staff deserve to be paid and paid well. But $20k+ per couple? Just wrong. 

Now onto more important things: I leave for Florida next week! We got our consent forms and transfer of ownership forms notarized today and mailed out to the clinic. I have an appointment on Friday for my blood work and another one for my lining check. Later that day I should hear whether everything is a go or not and then I can decide whether to fly or drive. Hopefully fly, but we have to see how high the tickets are at that time. And then I have to start getting things in order. I need to pack a bag for Maddie and grocery shop for ready made foods for her to take to her grandma's house as well as for hubby to have here. I could let him cook for himself but then he might starve to death and die. So a-shopping I will go.

Once that is all done I will have to pack for myself. I need sunscreen, a couple of books, and flip flops for my trip to the beach. Yay me! This time next week I get a day to relax before my FET. It sounds like heaven to me!!!!

and the plot thickens.....

Why, oh why is nothing about baby making easy? I mean really, does it have to be so hard? Other couples, you know, those normal ones that procreate for free, get to have fun while making a baby. We infertiles have so many freaking hoops to jump through and none of it is ever easy. Or fun.

So today I received a call from the clinic nurse to discuss my transfer date. I thought that I would be instructed to schedule my lining check and told which day to be there. Well, that is not the case. I was told to have my lining check on the 19th and then I would be given the exact date if all looks good. It looks like it will be on the 25th, but need to be there a day early in case. BUT if the lining check or blood work shows that I am not ready then that date may change. So my options are to schedule a flight now and hope for the best. or wait until the 19th and pay at least $200 more. Or drive 14 hours alone.

I really think that I will be driving. If I schedule the flight on the 19th it will be a minimum of $500 plus I will need a rental car for 4 days. This is getting to be more than we want to spend. If I drive it will be $200 in gas and maybe a hotel room on the way there. I have someone to stay with on the return trip which is nice. But even if I have to get 2 hotel rooms it will still be a lot less expensive. And if I drive I can have the flexibility that I will need if the dates change at the last minute. Had I realized that a natural cycle would be so uncertain I would have requested a suppressed cycle and had a date set in stone. Or a better chance of it being set in stone. Being that I like to plan this is really stressing me out.

My prayer is that I will either fins a great deal on a ticket and can just fly. Or if I drive that I can find someone to go with me. I do have someone that would be great but she is helping with Maddie while I am gone. If hubby gets his compression stocking then he can go with me, but we don't know if that will be ready in time. Decisions, decision!!!

gettin nervous

Today is CD1. Gulp! That is right, it has begun. No more just talking about it, we are really doing this. In the next 15 days I have to book a flight, begin (and remember) meds, have an ultrasound and blood work, take an airplane out of state alone, rent a car, and get hopefully get knocked up. All of this will my normal crazy, hectic schedule. Ahhh!

Now that it is really happening I am nervous! The last time we did this I was just so excited and busy that I never had time to even think about it. I just did it. But this time it is different. In 25 days our lives will change forever. We will either have a BFN and remain a family of three or a BFP and become a family of 4....or even 5. E-ver-y-thing will change. Woah!

For better or for worse, this is it. Here we go!

24 day cycle??

For the most part I am a regular kinda gal. Well, aunt flo is anyway. She comes around ever 28-29 days like clockwork. I have had the rare 32 day cycles and even a 26-er in there, but never anything less. Until this month. I started spotting tonight so tomorrow will be CD1, just 24 days since my last cycle. This is just crazy! It throws off my whole groove.

So tomorrow (if I do indeed start) I will start Vivelle and then on Monday I will be calling the clinic to get my FET date. Woah! And that means purchasing my plane ticket. I won't need a hotel as there is a church in the area that has a place that I can stay while there. Hubby has a call into family that lives there (haven't seen in years though) to see about picking me up from the airport. If I can save on the rental car that would be great.

So much to do and so little time. I am also trying to raise a bit more money so that we don't have to dip into savings as much. I made $120 at our yard sale yesterday and we will have it again next Saturday and I hope to make about that much again. If not, hubby has two kidneys and only needs one, right??

you know you are infertility when......

I think that most of us have seen a version or two of these "You know you are infertile when..." kinds of posts, but this morning I read on that had some really good ones on it. It was over at Still Standing and is worth the read. Here were my favorite two:

--you are more worried about having a nice pedicure for in the stirrups than your butt hanging out--

--you look up every weird symptom and hope it comes up as a pregnancy symptom...hmmmmmmm, I have a lot of ear wax today, I must be pregnant!--

I had not read these before but I can relate to both! Seriously, my feet being pretty are much more important than my butt and all my lady bits being on display. LOL

So add yours! You know you are infertile when........