update on meeting my dad

Thank you all for the thoughts and prayers for me meeting my father. It went much better than I expected. Saturday morning my dad called to verify that I was still coming and told me that he looked forward to seeing me. He lives 2 hours away and we met halfway at a Cracker Barrel. When I got there I held Maddie like a shield. It was good to have her there to give us something to talk about. He did ask if he could give me a hug and I let him. It wasn't too awkward though it definitely didn't feel natural either. He is basically a stranger so I guess that is normal. We ordered our meal and spent time chit chatting and laughing over Maddie. He told me a bit about his kids and the death of his wife and dad. I told him a bit about my life. We really didn't discuss the past much which was fine with me.

He claimed that he wanted to see me because he had a brain aneurysm and after he was faced with death he decided that he wanted to get to know me. (he told me this back in December) Come to find out this happened back in 2007. So his change of heart came 4 years later. I even sent him a message on Facebook in 2009 so he had an opportunity to try to reach out to me then but did not. Whatever. He also brought up how he tried to see me once when I was 1 year old but my grandpa shot at him. (which he did because he was being aggressive and wouldn't leave). I informed him that the past was the past and we can go from here if he would like. I had no interest in rehashing a past that I was too young to remember. I also told him that Maddie needed a grandfather and he could be that for her and our relationship we would take it one step at a time. This worked for him so that is where we are at right now.

He did really well with showing restraint. I could tell that he wanted to be "dad" but I am not ready for that. I may never be. He is Roger and that is all that I can do right now. He showed that he cared by reaching out to Maddie and he bought her a couple of toys there at Cracker Barrel. He offered to buy me something as well but I declined and he backed off pretty quickly. He later texted me (at almost 11 pm) to make sure we made him home okay (I left him at 3 pm) but it was nice of him to check on us. He also said that he enjoyed meeting me and that he loved us all (I guess meaning me, Maddie and hubby). He also said to give Maddie a hug. I ignored the "love you" part and said "Will do" in regards to giving Maddie a hug. I am sooooo not ready to say "love you" to him. At all! I was hurt by him, my step dad and my grandfather. I do not love easily at all, especially men.

I am doing pretty well with it all and was happy with how the meeting went. However, I am struggling with where he fits in my life. I like things neat and orderly and this is.....messy and confusing. But I am not shutting the door on this and will take it one day at a time. As long as he doesn't push I should be okay. I am thinking about calling my counselor and go to see her about this (I haven't seen her in almost 2 years). Talking to her may help me sort all of this out.

One funny thing about the whole thing: his fiancee. He told me that she was a lot younger than him. She has four kids and 1 or 2 are teens. She was very nice and looked to be in her early 40s. She sent me a friend request on FB last night and I was reading her info and did a double take. Her DOB is 2/25/....................1978! My DOB is 7/19/1977. So my soon to be step mom is 7 months younger than me!!! He also put on FB that he got to see his daughter for the first time in 34 years. Anyone that knows her will figure out that I am older than her. Ahhh...........gotta love the craziness!!!!

So all in all not too bad. I am still trying to process it all.