Tomorrow is the day. I will meet my dad for the first time since he left when I was a year old. I posted a bit about it in December and I struggled with whether to actually meet him or not and finally decided that I would do it. I am not sure how I really feel about all of this. I want to hate him, yet I want to forgive him. Actually, I have forgiven him but forgetting is a different story. Through the years I contacted him, as did my mom, and he rejected me each time. He claims to have had a health scare and he is a "changed man". I want to believe it but I just don't know.
For so many years I desperately wanted my dad to want me. I romanticized him in my imagination and thought he just couldn't find me. Reality was so very different and it sucked. I finally came to a place where I accepted that put the past behind me. Now he surfaces and I have to rethink everything. I have no idea how to be a daughter to a father. I had a step dad for about 6 years but I was young and he has not been around for many years. So now I have this man that is trying to be a dad to me and I don't know how to deal with it.
The good thing about all of this is that if Maddie ever gets the chance to meet her genetic family I will understand better how she will feel about it. The nerves, the uncertainty, the trepidation. But at least she will never have to deal with the feelings of rejection I am going through as well.
If you think about it please say a prayer for me tomorrow. And I will update tomorrow evening. Thanks for all of the support, ladies!