Excited about 2010!!!

New Year's Eve is a special time for me because it is the night that my hubby proposed to me! It was 12 years ago tonight that I said yes to him and I have never regretted it, even with the trials of infertility. But through the years infertility has stolen some of the joy of this holiday. I would try to think of all the promises that the new year would bring, but inevitably I would reflect on all of the failures of the past year. Our childless home seems even emptier during this time of the year.

This year is very different as it is the first year that I carry the hope of a new life inside of me. When 2009 began it was filled with empty arms and jealousy over my sister's pregnancy. It ends with my own pregnancy. I look back and wonder how I got here. Twelve months ago I had no hope, no plan to add to our family. We had considered embryo adoption but it seemed like a far off dream. Yet God brought us through some trials and we ended with a positive pregnancy test! It amazes me how we ended up here.

So far I feel very well. I am almost 6 weeks, so it is still very early. Being as that I am not very far along I struggle with worry and fear. Today I had spotting and cramping and it was a challenge to relax and trust Him. I wanted to rush to the ER and have them tell me that everything was fine. But the spotting was not bad enough to do that so I put my feet up and prayed. It has since subsided and I am thankful for that. I pray that 2010 brings us a full term healthy bambino or two, but that is up to Him. We trust our little one(s) to His care and are trying to rest in that He will do what is best.

So 2010........let's get started!!!!

Bloodhound

So I am sitting here in the living room and I keep smelling bananas. It has been driving me crazy for the past hour! Finally I realized that it was the 2 bananas in my kitchen. They are just now ripe so there is no reason for the to "smell". And they are about 25 feet away from me so I am surprised that I can smell that at all. I feel like a bloodhound!!! I can smell odors (good and bad) before I even enter a house. I went to my mom's house the other day and I could tell what she was cooking almost as soon as I got out of the car.

Other than this and most foods tasting different I have no other symptoms. I was worried about it before but now I am just enjoying it. There is 8 months for me to be ill, so I will take advantage of this time that I am feeling well.

I have begun purchasing maternity clothing. Yes, I know that it is early, but plus size maternity is a little more difficult to find and quite expensive. So far I have purchased 2 skirts from Ebay and a top from a resale shop. Not a lot, but enough to make me feel like I have accomplished something. Hopefully I have twins and will start to show within the next two months!!! Less than 2 weeks to go before we know how many!!!! WOO!

Subtle Symptoms

Whoever thought that getting a pregnant would end the worrying was completely wrong!!! Before I found out that I was pg I worried that I would never get pg. Now that I am I am worried that something will go wrong. I don't sit around in constant fear, but the thought is always in the back of my mind. Especially right now as we wait another 2 weeks for our first ultrasound. I think the wait would be easier to endure if I had something more than subtle symptoms.

Had we gotten pg naturally and I felt like I do now I would have no idea that I was even pg. I am a little moody, but not too bad. PMS was much worse than this is right now. I find that I get tired sometimes, but nothing too noticeable. I have an under active thyroid so that is something that I deal with anyway. My boobs are sore, but again, PMS did that one too. The only things that are different are my sense of smell and taste. I can smell everything!!!! And many foods taste different. I have very little appetite as well. I had morning sickness 2-3 nights but nothing too bad. All things that could be explained away by some other condition or issue.

I know that I should be very thankful to be feeling so well while others suffer miserably with their pregnancies. And I am glad that I am not ill all of the time. But while morning sickness is not fun it is reassuring. Waiting is the pits!!!!! I am praying that I can overcome these fears and enjoy this pregnancy. I don't want to spend the entire time between appointments living in fear, missing the joys of carrying a child.

My cup runneth over

I am sitting here by the Christmas tree this morning and thinking of all that happened this year. This year has been a special one but not just because of the pregnancy. God has brought me through some trials this year and I have come out the other side a stronger person. My faith has been tried and tested and though I hated it at the time I am now thankful for who it has made me.

Many of you are doing the same, reflecting on the year. For many of you it is a painful process. Your hearts are breaking because there is still no little one to wrap gifts for, no end in sight to this infertility nightmare. You may feel empty, bereft or just numb. Whatever you are feeling right now please know that I am praying for you as I type this. I am praying that you feel His loving arms wrapped tightly around you this Christmas day.

Last year my thoughts were much different than they are now. We had just passed our 10 year ttc anniversary the October before Christmas 2008. Ten very long years. Ten years of ovulation tests, semen analysis, laparoscopies, blood work, ultrasounds, surgeries, you name it. Ten years of hopelessness and loss of our adoption dreams and one daughter that we tried to adopt. Ten years of tears, angry shouts to God, and despair. Ten years of watching my friends conceive their first, second, third and even fourth child. What hurt almost as much as not having children yet was having no hope. We could not afford IVF or adoption and our problems were too severe for other fertility treatments. We had decided to pursue embryo adoption at some point but even that seemed too far out of our reach. I had nothing to hold on to.

This year has brought me to a far different place than the last ten years. A place that I marvel at each and every day. I am pregnant. Just saying those words gives me goosebumps! I had begun to truly believe that I would never be here. But I look back now and see something I did not see before. Though we were ready to be parents our baby(s) was not ready to be born. I had always thought that this was about me/us, but there was a bigger picture. Had one thing been different we would not be having this particular child(ren). These embryos would have gone to a different home, possibly one that would not tell them about Jesus. Maybe this child(ren) will grow up in our home, accept Christ as there Saviour, and lead many others to Him. I don't know if that is what will happen, but I do know that God has a purpose for this little life and now is the appointed time.

Transitioning to new blog

I don't know how many times I have found an infertility blog that interested me only to find that it is now all about a pregnancy. I have rejoiced that they finally became pregnant but I had no interest in following it at that time in my life. I decided when I started my blog that I would create a new blog if/when I became pregnant and that is what I have done. My pregnancy blog can be found here: http://childiprayed.blogspot.com. I will still keep this blog and update occasionally in regards to infertility as it will always be a part of who I am. The new blog will be my active blog and if any of you would like to follow it please feel free to do so. I do understand though that there will be many of you that may not be able to handle it at this time and I completely understand and support that. Also the new blog is under a completely different email address so it does not show under my blog list. I wanted to keep them separate in case I wanted to invite family to read it.

Hope to see some of you there!!!

Survivor's Guilt

The past few days have been wrought with feelings of survivor's guilt. I love that I am now pregnant and that my waiting is over, but I hurt for those still waiting. I feel as though I have abandoned my infertile sisters. Like a traitor. I also feel relief that I have finally crossed to the "other side" and that makes for even more guilt. The truth is that for so many years I was the one that "left behind". I have paid my dues (11 years worth) and it is finally my turn, but it does not remove the pain of leaving others behind.

I am also struggling with where I fit in. I am still an infertile and the years of ttc will always be a part of who I am. This struggle has shaped who I am today. It has made me a survivor for I have kicked infertility's butt! For that I am proud!!! As painful as the last 11 years have been I can't forget them. It has now become a badge of honor. But now that I am going to be a mom don't I need to find my place there as well? How do I bridge the gap between the fertiles and infertiles? Which one am I? Am I both? I will never really be fertile, but I will be a mother. Yet becoming friends with fertiles feels like a betrayal to my infertile sisters.

I never realized how many emotions that I would be experiencing right now. I am praying that all of my infertile sisters would have their prayers answered this year!!!!

Welcome fellow ICLW-ers!

It is December ICLW week! (for those that don't know f it, follow the link to the right for more info). A little about me for those visiting for the first time:

My name is Jess and my hubby and I have been married for 11 years. We have been ttc the entire time but have had so many bumps in the road. I have endo, PCOS and blocked tube. He has Sertoli-cell Only which is a fancy way of saying no sperm. We tried 4 IUIs with no success and have had 2 failed adoptions. In December we had our first FET with donated embryos and it was successful!!! I am currently 4 weeks pregnant! We are still in complete shock. My first beta was 41 and today's was 163! Good numbers!!!!

Well, that about sums it up! I look forward to meeting some new friends this week!

Drumroll please!

I went to the clinic today and asked the nurse what my chances were of having my beta today. She said, "Oh, honey. We can but it is so early it could very possibly be negative." My response: "Well, what if I have 4 pg tests that say otherwise??". She hugged me, congratulated me and drew my blood. My beta was 41....definitely pregnant!!!!

I will have a repeat beta on Monday. Praying for the numbers to double!!!! We have now told most everyone. originally I had planned on not telling anyone for a few weeks just in case of an early loss. But now I have decided that no matter what happens I am going to enjoy each and every moment with this baby(s). And if, God forbid, something happens, then I will have the love and support of friends and family. So the secret is out!

Still in Shock!

I am still in complete and utter shock! Yesterday I used my last 4 pregnancy tests and started to panic because I couldn't test again today. So I went out to Wally World and bought a 2 pack of digital tests. This morning I woke up at 4 am and could not go back to sleep, I had to test again. Another positive! So that makes 4 different positives with 4 different brands of tests! A little obsessive, wouldn't you say? After that I couldn't fall back asleep so I talked hubby into taking me to breakfast at Cracker Barrel. He is getting ready now and I am sitting here surrounded my my positive tests. I just can't stop looking at them!!

I am driving to the clinic this morning and will call them from the parking lot to talk them into doing my beta today. We want to announce the pregnancy this Sunday at church when some friends are in town, but I would feel better doing so if I have a blood test to confirm. Considering I am almost out of all of my meds and need to order ASAP, I am really hoping that they will let me test today. If all else fails I will cry! Hey, what can I say? I am pregnant so I am allowed! Wow! I am pregnant!!!! I have always imagined what it would be like to say that but it feels so different actually doing it.

Because I got such an early BFP (5 days after transfer) I am hoping that it is twins! I am still a little scared that it is quads though! Dec 18 2009, 04:51 AM

Funny story: I have had a reoccurring dream of having quads. Hubby and I were out to eat at Chili's the other night and we ordered from their 2/$20 menu. We look down at our plates when they arrived and started laughing. I had ordered 4 mini tacos and he had 4 mini burgers. We prayed that it wasn't a "sign"!!!

I will update you all later!!

I think that it is safe to say.....

that I am

Officially Cautiously Optimistic

I am officially cautiously optimistic!!! Not sure if you can see the + sign or not, but it is there. Faint, but definitely there. It showed up within 2 minutes.

No BFP.....yet

Sorry to disappoint, but no BFP this morning. Here is where I am confused though: I took a 2nd test last night (at dh's insistence and knowing full well it would be negative as I had gone potty just 2 hours prior) and it was negative and when I checked it this morning no evap line, no surprise. Then this morning I took one at 7 am and waited a full hour and nothing. No evap, no nothing. I just checked it yet again and still nothing. So either that first test is a total fluke, this test is messed up, or I had a higher # yesterday and it is declining. I hate this whole 2WW thing!!!!

I am planning on going out today and buying a different brand test, but one that is still as sensitive. Maybe tomorrow I will have good news! Thanks for all of the prayers and encouragement everyone!

Evap line???

So I broke down and bought some HPTs at the dollar store today. I took one when I got home. And waited the allotted 3 minutes. Nothing. I left it there and an hour and half later went to throw it away and decided to check it one more time. Lo and behold there was a second line. Faint, but definitely there. I know that it went way too long to check, but these are A.) sensitive tests, B.) the same ones I use all of the time, and C.) have never, ever, ever had an evap line...EVER. Not once in 11 years! I am scared to hope, but can't help it! Please pray, ladies!!!!!!

So tired today!

I am about to fall sleep right now and it is only 4 pm. I went to bed about 11 pm last night and and was up from 5:30-7:30 am, then I laid back down until 9:30. So all in all I had over 8 hours of sleep. Should be plenty. All I did today was laundry, dishes and made my cake for class tonight. Not enough to make me this sleepy. Could it be from the bambinos??? Let's hope so!!!

I have not been nearly as moody today, but then again my hubby left at 6 am and I haven't seen anyone else all day. No one to really be mean to today. Other than that I am feeling fine. Still hoping for some morning sickness. Crazy, I know, but at least it would be a good, clear sign!

I ordered some pregnancy tests today. I was so proud of myself, thinking that I found a way to hold off testing for a few days waiting for them to arrive. The site said "Free 2-day shipping". That means Friday. What I didn't read was that it was 2-day shipping on orders over $15. Mine was less so it will take 2-6 days. Likely to arrive after my Beta. Useless! So I either have to wait or fork over more money for more tests. If I have extras maybe I will have a giveaway here!!

My babies in the making.

I received an email from the embryologist with pics of my embies. I completely forgot to post them here. So here ya go, my babies to be! This first one is the "perfect" one that survived the original thaw. If you look you can see the darker blob on the bottom left. That is where the fetus will develop. And then all of the clumpy cells ringing the circle of the embryo is where the placenta will develop. Pretty interesting!!



This second one is the third one thawed. It had only been thawing a few hours so it does not look as good as the first, but they were confident it would be almost as healthy as the first one.



So there are my babies. Hopefully in 9 months I will be posting new pics!

Today I definitely feel what could be symptoms. I have some cramping which I really, really, really hope is caused from implantation. I am also extremely moody and crabby. I am having mood swings like never before. I have been on the progesterone and estrogen long enough now that I would assume that if it was from the meds it would have happened before. The only new med is heparin and I have yet to find anything online that states heparin would cause these kinds of side effects.

Speaking of heparin.....OUCH! So not a fan of the stuff!!! Lupron was a breeze. No pain. No discomfort. But heparin is another story. My poor tummy is all purple and blue and even green. Very festive!!! It burns during the administration of it and my whole stomach is tender and sore from it. Bending over is painful. But I am willing to do anything for the bambinos.

I am trying to decide whether to use a home pg test or not. I had originally planned on starting them this Wednesday but now I am not so sure. I would hate to see repeated negative tests. But I also am impatient and if there is a chance that I could know before Monday I would like to know. Decisions, decisions! Now I really want to test since I am having what could possibly be symptoms. Hmmm......what should I do???

Careless Words

We have all been guilty of saying thoughtless or careless things. I know that I have. I also know that infertility has taught me take great care in what I say to others, though I still fall short form time to time. Tonight I was the recipient of someone's carelessness. And it was from my mother no less.

I stopped by her house to pick something up and my baby niece was there. Recently my niece went to the doctor for a check up and the doctor declared her "extraordinarily alert", which she really is. Now we talk about how extraordinary she is and I mentioned it tonight. I followed this with a comment about where it came from and how her parents (my sister and her fiance) were not extraordinary. This was said all in teasing and my mom's response was also said in teasing though her words still cut to the core. She said "Look who's talking, miss didn't go to college, unemployed, married ten years and have no kids." All of it was fine until the last part. Like I needed someone to point out that I am still childless. Thanks mom!

It has bothered me for the last hour or so. I has caused a time of reflection and retrospection. Did you know that every decision that I have made has been with children in mind? I dropped out of college to stay at home and have children. I did not return to college because I was sure that kids were right around the corner. We live in a 3 bedroom place because we might have kids. We have not purchased a house yet because we have spent every spare dime on trying to have said kids. I am currently not working now because the FET might work and I plan on being a SAHM. It saddens me that I have not succeeded in my goals. At least not 2 of the most important ones: having children and buying a house. But it is not for lack of trying!!

I am praying that 2010 brings the realization of both of my goals and then my mother can eat her words!!! =)

Why I hate the 2WW

There are so many reasons to hate the 2WW that I don't even know where to start. I hate the not knowing, the hope, the despair, all of it. I know, we all hate the 2WW. You would think that since they can create an embryo in a lab that they could create a way to test earlier. Like one of those blood sugar monitors but for HCG instead. One that detected HCG as low as 5 like the labs can do. And then we can test everyday to see if the numbers rise. Does that sound like such a difficult invention? I would buy one!!!

Today I have this "feeling", a sense, that it won't work. No reason really, no facts to back it up, just a premonition almost. I know that I can't go by feelings as with one of my IUIs I just " knew" that it had worked. I felt different. But I was wrong and it did not work. I hate feeling this way. I wish that I could be placed into a coma for the next 10 days.

Hopefully tomorrow I will have a mood swing and ride the wave of optimism!!!

I am home!

The transfer went great. Perfect even. The dr said that it could not have gone any better! They thawed 2 embryos yesterday and one was perfect. The second was was not and sadly, did not survive and is with Jesus. The dr thawed a third one and though it was not as far along as the other (where they can determine the quality) he said that it was thawing and growing well so far and he was confident that it was very healthy. So 2 embies are now with me and just need to stick! The dr and staff are all very optimistic. Now just need to wait 10 days to find out if they are still with me!!! Thanks again for all of the prayers!!!!

Tomorrow is the day!!!

I can't believe that tomorrow, the day, is almost here. I will be awaking in 12 hours to get ready to leave for the clinic. This is so unreal to me! I am as ready as I will ever be. I have been munching on pineapple and am considering making a smoothie out of it tomorrow. I had acupuncture today. Not sure that I really cared for it. Actually, I can honestly say that I hated it! But it will be worth it if it helps us conceive. I am very tired from it which is good. I will sleep very well tonight!!

I still need to pack a bag with a blanket, pillow and book, but other than that I am ready to go. Talk to you all tomorrow!

Tine is flying!!

I hope that my 2WW passes as quickly as this is passing!! Time is just flying by! But I am very glad that it is. I would hate to be sitting around, twiddling my thumbs all week. Today I am going to hit the mall. What better way to pass the time than shopping??? I can't think of anything that I would rather do today.

I am going to mail out our Christmas cards. This is the first year that we did photo cards. (they were free on seehere.com. 50 of them for $3.19 s&h, use the code: newbaby) They turned out fabulous!!!! So great in fact that I ordered another 50 cards. Hopefully next year we can do photo cards again, but with a few little ones in the photo as well.

Well, I am off! I hope that all of you have a great day today!

Gettin' Ready!

In preparation for 24 hours of bed rest this Friday and Saturday I am making a list and checking it twice. I am a planner and don't want to be unprepared. It is only 24 hours, but I OCD like that. Today I purchased my pineapple. Tomorrow I am going to get a refill of my prenatals and thyroid medication. Wednesday I am going to order half of the meds that I will need if the transfer is successful. Thursday I am packing a bag for the doctor's office. They told me to bring a pillow, blanket and a book. I will remain there for an hour after the transfer, laying on my back, and I can bring whatever makes me comfortable. I think that this calls for a new book! Karen Kingsbury has one out that I have not read yet. On Thursday I am going to rent Julie & Julia, Steel Magnolias (always a fave) and maybe a few Christmas movies to help keep me entertained. I might even borrow my sister's What to Expect When You Are Expecting book, just to get a head start!

I am still very at peace about all of this. And getting a little excited. I can't wait to meet my embies and I really hope to have a pic of them to share with all of you on Friday!!!

I love all the attention!!!

When you are pregnant everyone wants to talk to you and ask you about the pregnancy and the baby. When you adopt and a match has been made everyone wants to know the details of the new addition. But when you go through fertility treatments few people ask you how things are going. Not because they do not care, though some really do not, but because they either do not understand or there is no guarantee of a baby. Whatever the reason it can be painful to go through shots, appointments and pills all alone.

I have been very fortunate to have a few women that have been extremely supportive. We have been very open about our embryo adoption and have no trouble telling interested parties about it. We do this for several reasons. One is because we will be honest with our children about their conception and want them to ever feel shame in it. Another reason is education. In telling others of embryo adoption two different couples have decided to consider donating their embryos to an infertile couple in the future. This does my heart good to know that these precious embryos will get a chance at life.

Today at church I was stopped 4 times by someone asking me how I was doing and when was the transfer. I cannot tell you how much I appreciated not only them asking, but that they remembered that the date was nearing. I also love the fact that they are all praying for us and that it will work. Between them praying for us and all of you praying for us I am confident that His will will be done, positive or negative. So thank you all for your support!!!!

new meds, new side effects

So I started the Vivelle patch yesterday. I assumed that since it was just more estrogen that I would not even notice that I was wearing it. Wrong!!! I have been migraine free since I began the Estrace but the Vivelle gave me one of the worst migraines last night. And at this point of my cycle I am no longer allowed to use any prescription medication, just over the counter. Let me tell you, Tylenol and Aleve just don't cut it!! I must say that if I do get pregnant that is one thing that I am not looking forward to, not being able to take medications. I have had some kind of head, allergy sinus thing for almost 2 weeks. I hate the thought of not being able to take sinus meds or use nasal sprays. I am sure that there are things that I can take if it gets too bad, but I won't have the freedom to drug myself at will anymore. No more Nyquil either. Bummer!!! I swear by that stuff! It will cure almost anything!!!

Tomorrow is my last day for lupron and I am really hoping that by stopping that I will not get anymore migraines. After waking up and feeling like poo, I looked up the side effects for Vivelle. It can cause back pain. That explains why I felt like an eighty year old grandmother when I woke up this morning! I feel like such a whiner, but I figure that if I have to go through all of this that I have earned the right to complain!!! =)

This time next week.....

I will be PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise)!!!! I had my ultrasound today and everything looks perfect. WOO HOO!!! So tomorrow I start the suppositories tomorrow and I end my lupron on Sunday. One week without injections! Whatever will I do with myself??? I would say sleep in, but I still have to take Estrace, patches and suppositories at 7 am. Oh well! It was a nice thought.

I was talking to the nurse today about my protocol and she reminded me that I will need to continue the suppositories, Estrace and the patch for the first trimester if I become pregnant. What I didn't realize was that I would have to order all of these meds once I know that I am pregnant. That means the week of Christmas I will have to spend $300!!! I am not too happy about this at all!! I may order the 2 less expensive meds now, just in case. That way I will only have to cough up $235 the week of Christmas. I so wish that my clinic would allow me generic estrogen. That darn Estrace is $$$$$$$. The nurse did say that I could just fill a partial RX and then order the rest as needed to keep from having to spend so much at one time.

I am hoping that this last week speeds by. I am excited and scared all at the same time. But that is not going to change anytime soon so I just want to get it over with. Then I can focus on my babies. For one week, regardless of whether or I become pregnant or not, they will be my babies and I will enjoy ever moment with them.

Nine & a half days

I can't believe how close the transfer is! Just a week and a half to go! A part of me wants time to fly and a part of me wants it to go slowly, to hold onto this hope. I am trying to stay busy with decorating, shopping and baking. I have a feeling that I will gain a few pounds before this Christmas season is over!!! But that is okay. If I do get pregnant I will have to go on a low carb diet so I may as well enjoy it while I can. And enjoy it I am! Tonight I made cheesy enchiladas and blackberry cobbler for dessert. Darn that Pioneer Woman!!!

I have an ultrasound on Friday. I am assuming to check my uterine lining?? Anyone verify that? I also start my Vivelle patches that day. And on Saturday I begin the progesterone suppositories. Can anyone say fun?!?! Next week a few days of antibiotics and then the transfer. Starting that day I add 2 more shots each day as well as the suppositories, estrogen pills 2 x a day and something else. I swear, this getting knocked up is a full time job! I have an iPhone and have reminders set for each pill and shot. My calender is littered with dots (which indicate that something is scheduled). If we are fortunate enough to have a baby from all of this you can be sure to know that I remind them of all of this each time they have a moment of rebellion!