Prayer for fellow EA momma and baby

A fellow EA momma needs our prayers. She will be 24 weeks tomorrow and her water broke a few days ago. So far little Liam is hanging on and staying put and each day that he does so is better for him. Please pray for Kate and baby Liam.

I am (fill in the blank)

When dealing with infertility it is easy to focus on the negative. I know that I do. And really, just how much positive is there about infertility? But while infertility itself is not a very positive experience there is a lot of positive that we can learn from it. I have been on this path for over 14 years and I can now look back and see a lot of things that it has taught me. The biggest lesson is compassion. I am more compassionate now. Much more. I grew up attending a church that was horribly judgemental. I was critical of everyone and had little sympathy for those that had heartaches. I am ashamed to even type that out. Meeting and marrying my hubby helped me to grow and change in this area. He is incredibly kind and has rubbed off on me. Infertility helped with the rest. I have learned that we all struggle and while your struggle may differ from mine your pain does not. I still struggle from time to time with having compassion for someone that makes bad decisions that causes their pain, but I am still kind. While I hate the negatives of infertility I am thankful for the lessons that it has taught me.

I am more compassionate.

How about you? What is your answer? I am more________________.

What a blessing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So today we got a call from the church that had a prophets chamber and it is unavailable the dates that we need it. Hubby called at around 11 this morning to tell me. I won't lie, I was disappointed. But not worried. We were just going to have to bite the bullet and pay for a hotel. I came home and got online, ready to research. But first I had to check my email, visit a couple of forums and putz around a bit. While on BabyCenter.com (I am active on their EA board) and I had a few messages. I get about 4-5 a week with questions about EA so I was not surprised, but one was a name I did not recognize. The name said EA in it but it also had anonymous in it. I thought that maybe they wanted to know more about anonymous embryo donation and so I prepared to answer some questions. Imagine my surprise when I read the following message:

This is a hotel in Jacksonville that should be relatively near your clinic. My husband and I would like to reserve a room here for you from Jan 25-28th for your transfer. (I am assuming all goes as planned.) We really like Hampton Inns b/c they are consistent, comfortable and they have a good breakfast. God has always blessed us when we were in need (or want, sometimes) - often in unexpected ways and so we seek to pass those blessings along. We would be so happy to take away this one stressor leading up to your transfer so you can relax and praise God for His work in you. I'll wait until I read that you're a "go" before booking it. Could you tell me your last name so I know what name to put it under? (Or, if you prefer not - just make up a name. I'll never know the difference. lol) Best wishes in these last few weeks on preparation! 

 I have had people do something kind before, but nothing of this magnitude. And especially not from a total stranger. Since I have not shared a lot of what is going on on Baby Center it must be one of my blog readers that has decided to be a blessing to my and my hubby. And I am humbled. Beyond humbled. I am still in shock that a total stranger would do this for us.

So whoever you are, wherever you are I hope that you read this and know how thankful that I am for this gift. I pray that one day we can pay it forward and be a blessing to someone else in need.

What a difference a day makes.

Two days I wrote about how I was a bit stressed over the travel arrangements and money for this cycle. The actual procedure working or not is not a concern (yet) but getting there and having the money needed for everything is enough to give me a migraine. I have always struggled with having enough faith when it comes to infertility and even more so with finances for it. Then last night God answered some prayers and I must share it!

The first is that I think that I have a place to say. There is a church in Jacksonville that has a prophet's chamber (apartment/room for missionaries and evangelists to stay in when visiting the church or passing through) that is checking to see if it is available that weekend. If it is, I can stay there. This would be a big blessing!! If it doesn't work out there are a few more for hubby to call. He is an evangelist so he has some connections.

The other is money. We have the money for the FET in our savings, but not a lot more. We really do not want to deplete our savings completely. So my first goal was $256 for Monday's ultrasound. We have some roof shingles leftover from recent repairs that needs to be returned and that is about $100. I have a change jar that I always toss change in and use it mad money. I took that to one of those change counter things and had $50 there, so just $100 more We could cover that with ourselves but wanted to try to raise it.

We love the show storage wars and they are always finding jewelry and saying they could get a few hundred for just a handful of things. So I thought hey, why not! I rarely wear jewelry (I like chunky costume pieces more than dainty gold chains) so I went through my jewelry box. I was surprised at the stuff I had held onto over the years, most of which I had not worn in 10+ years. I gathered it up along with a ring to return to my mom. My mom had a ring that had been a friend of hers but had passed away. Her friend, Jerry, was a great guy. He was like a dad to her and also a best friend. She met him after his wife of 30 years had passed away and he had all but given up on life. My mom was a newly single mom, struggling with the day to day yet always positive. She took him under her wing and helped him move on with his life. They remained friends for about 15 years when he died of cancer. Through the years Jerry had given her furniture and things that he and his wife had purchased but he thought she could use. After he passed she got a ring of his. It was gold and black onyx. My hubby is the only man in the family to wear a ring so she let him have it. It was heavy and bulky and hubby never wore it much and we forgot about it. When I found it I thought she would like to have it so I went to drop it off. She asked what I was doing and I told her and she offered me the ring. There was no way I was taking that ring in!! Not Jerry's ring! I insisted she keep it and she cried, missing Jerry. She loved that guy! She had another ring that was broken and gave me that for our baby fund but as I was leaving she turned and handed me the ring and refused to take it back. She said "IF Jerry were here he would give you the money for a baby. Family was everything to him. Things were just things." It took awhile for me to accept it but I finally did, calling her 3 times before I went through with it. And with his ring, her ring and several other pieces of broken jewelry I walked out of there with over $800! I was shocked! I could not believe how much it was worth. This is enough for everything over the cost of the transfer. I am humbled!

I could have shared all of this without the part of Jerry's ring, but I felt that I needed to honor him. I wanted to honor him. His ring was accounted for about a third of what I received but it meant more than the rest. To know that he played a part makes it feel like he is still here.

What do you hate most about IF?

There are just so many things about infertility that are unpleasant that I think it can be difficult to say that any one thing is the worst. And what I hate most varies depending on where I am at in the journey. For many years I hated the pain. I think that the emptiness and loneliness it caused was awful. But more than the pain, the procedures, the costs, the years of waiting the worst part for me has been uncertainty. I could handle all of the above if I knew for sure what the destination would be. If all of the money would, with certainty, produce a child it would be less stressful. If all of the procedures and years of testing brought me a child then okay, let's move forward. But I had no such guarantee as none of us do. And for me, the first round did produce a child and for that I am thankful But now we are facing round number two and again we have certainty.  We have spent a few grand already and a lining scan on Monday could cancel it all. We could get past that part and go as far as getting to the clinic and then have no embryos survive the thaw. Or maybe they do and we transfer 2 perfect little embryos and still nothing. No take home baby. No guarantee. And no money left to try again. This is it for us. I doubt we will try again. The finances of this as well as the travel is causing me anxiety and it hard for me to focus on the positive of it all, the possibility of another child.

During all of this I can't help but think "Am I taking the right path?'. Am I? You can't answer that for me, but neither can I. When we were trying to adopt it all seemed so simple. A young woman needed a family for her baby and we needed a baby for our family. When that did not work out we moved to fertility treatments. That seemed simple enough except we needed third party help. We needed sperm and all of the simplistic views I had went out the window. Was this right? Would a child resent the path we chose? Would people judge us? Once we decided it was right for us it became "was this the right donor?". Then it failed. Four times. There is that uncertainty again. And we were left with "what next?". Was I supposed to continue moving up at my job and focus on that? Were we to be a family of two and put all of our money towards a house and getting completely out of debt? We decided that we could do those things later, but a baby was a limited time deal so we chose that route which brought us Maddie. Now here we are again, but this time I am not working and money is tight. We still don't have a house and while most of the debt is gone some is still there. Do we stop trying for a baby and put Maddie in preschool while I return to work? Focus on getting that house? Or do we spend every last dime we have in savings for a baby. Scratch that, it is a chance at a baby. No guarantees.

For now we will move forward. We will continue until that door is completely closed and we have no regrets. But I will tell you, regardless of where this path takes us, I will be glad when it is over. When I no longer have to worry about the next treatment, the next appointment. Infertility has dominated almost 15 years of my life and I want my life back! I want to be able to make a decision on anything other than infertility. Whether we buy a house, go on vacation, if I return to work, whatever it is it will be because we do or don't want to and not because we need the money of treatments or we want to try for a baby. But until then infertility is my master and I am at her mercy for a little bit longer.

What do you hate most about infertility?

Holy Hormones, Batman!

This is my third go round of taking meds for a cycle but the first time I am a psycho nut case from them. I am only on Vivelle (estrogen patches) but sheesh, it is making me crazy. One minute I am fine, the next irritated at everything, the next all chill singing kumbaya. My poor hubby and daughter never know what to expect. And I can't stand being around myself half the time either. Unfortunately I can't get away from myself.

If all goes well I will be leaving a week from Friday. Most things are in place but there are still some things that I need to figure out. One is my mode of transportation. Because I have been planning on going alone I was going to fly but there may be a young lady from church that can go with me. We will drive and that will save me about $200-$300 which would be nice. The other big thing is the place to stay. I was going to stay at a place that a church has near the clinic but they have someone staying there now. I will have to be there 3 nights total and don't want to have that expense as well. Especially if I have to fly. So if you think about it please say a prayer that everything falls into place. I am getting anxious about this and my lining being thin enough. If it is canceled again I am not sure if we will try again.

An Award!

I love awards! They make me feel special. ;) A bloggy friend, Ashley at Expecting Miracles nominated me for the Liebster Award. Thanks a bunch, Ashley!!!!

This award is given to new or up and coming bloggers who have less than 200 followers...the award is then passed along to other bloggers in the same category to help spread the word and support one another.

If you receive the award, there are a few rules to follow...

1) Each blogger nominated must post 11 things about themselves

2) Then answer the 11 questions the tagger has asked

3)Blogger must then create 11 questions of their own to ask the bloggers they decide to nominate

4) They must choose 11 bloggers with less than 200 followers to nominate and link them on their blog post

5)Bloggers must be notified of their award!

6) No tag backs!

Okay, first up: 11 things about me!

1. I hate reality TV. It is a waste of time. All but Duck Dynasty. I can laugh at it but I never turn it on, but hubby loves it. Don't tell him I like it.

2. I am incredibly OCD about things.....at work. When I worked anyway. But at home I am messy. My house is clean, but it gets cluttered. I hate it but I also hate trying to organize it.

3. I graduated in a class of one. Yes, uno, one, 1. It was a super tiny Christian school and I was the only graduate.

4. I have weird phobias. I hate balloons, chalk and light bulbs. I am a freak, I know.

5. I love doing DIY projects. Hubby hates it as I usually screw it up and have to hire someone to fix it. But it was fun trying.

6. My hubby cracks me up. We are actually quite hilarious together. Imagine two jolly chubby people ripping on each other. We are sarcastic and mean to each other and think that we should have our reality show. That I wouldn't watch cause I hate reality shows. 

7. I can drive a stick shift. Not well though. When my niece was 6 she asked if we could take her uncles care because it didn't go back and forth like my car. 

8. I have never tried deer meat nor will I ever. Or rabbit. Or squirrel. Or crab legs. If the local grocery store doesn't sell it I won't eat it. Nor will I kiss hubby after he eats it. 

9. I am a creative type. I love to make things and do projects. I imagine myself you would pin on Pinterest though I know it is not the case. But a girl can dream!

10. Growing up I wanted to be a teacher or a lawyer. As I got older I really wanted to be a lawyer and was considering pursuing it but decided to get married and be a SAHM. Yeah, should have gotten that law degree! LOL

11. I want to write a book about infertility and my journey. I don't know if anyone would read it, but I would still like to give it a go.

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Ashley's 5 questions:

1. If you had to choose one of your 5 senses to give up, which would you choose? taste....maybe I would finally lose weight ;)

2. What is one thing on your Christmas wish list this year? a massage...and I got it! WOOT!
3. What was your favorite subject in high school? Least favorite? Fave: English, least fave: Science
4. If you were a crayon, which color would you be? black...it is slimming
5. What is your favorite home cooked meal? salisbury steak and mashed potatoes
6. What is your favorite movie of all time? American President
7. Do you have any tattoos? nope
8. Have you ever traveled out of the country? nope...unless Canada counts
9. What is your dream vacation? Hawaii or Ireland
10. What scripture or quote has been the most encouraging/inspiring to you in life? hmmmm....can't think of anything off the top of my head
11. What is one of your goals for 2013? get organized

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My questions for the nominees:

1. Do you have any siblings?

2. Which season do you love best?

3. What is your favorite genre of television shows?

4. What is your fave activity?

5. Desktop, laptop, tablet or smartphone...which do you prefer?

6. If you could meet any person, dead or alive, who would it be?

7. If you owned a private jet where would you go tonight for dinner?

8. Are you musically inclined?

9. If you could change your career choice would you? And to what?

10. Do you shave your legs int he winter?

11. Real or fake Christmas tree?

And the nominees are......drum roll please...............

1. Tanya at Our Life Journey

2. Liz at Wishing on a Snowflake

3. Diane at Snowflakes in the Rain

4. Shannon at Room for More

5. Lara at Living Our Miracle

6. KC at You Wouldn't Even Make an Omelette with Stale Eggs

7. Chelle at A FAmily by God's Design

8. Kimberly at No Good Eggs

9. Jennifer at Aaron and Jennifer