Anyone that has dealt with infertility any length of time knows that people are chock full of advice. Some advice comes from ignorance: 'Just adopt", "Why do fertility treatments when there are so many kids in foster care?", "Oh, you should do IVF. I hear it works.". Other advice comes from passion. When you have success adopting, with IVF, or foster adoption it is easy to get caught up in it and think that everyone should choose that route. The problem with this thinking is that there is no one size fits all wen it comes to family building. Two families with the exact same diagnosis and financial situation may choose two different routes entirely. Each of us have a path to take and it is up to us to determine which path that is. Whether you choose international adoption, IVF several times, EA or choose not to pursue anything and allow God to choose are all right choices, just different. I see on forums from time to time people questioning another person's choice to build their family and it saddens me. I am passionate about embryo donation. Very passionate about it. It is the right way for us to complete our family. For me personally I cannot fathom spending $15k+ for IVF. It makes no sense. To me. It is not right for me. I have strong feelings about adoption based on my past experiences. Will we ever adopt? I have no plans to, but I won't count it out completely. It is the wrong choice for us at this time though. But for those that it is the right choice, I support it fully. I have a preference of anonymous donation versus known embryo adoption. I also disagree with agencies requiring a home study. But that is where I stand. I support those that choose that route.
When it comes to infertility we already have to defend and explain ourselves to those around us, the least we can do is stand together and support each other regardless if our paths are the same or not. There is no right..... or wrong..... way to build a family.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Friday, January 11, 2013
I still miss her....(losing Abbie)
For those that have followed for awhile they may have read that we had a failed adoption. We have had 2 in fact. Each was difficult in its own way. The first one was a baby boy that was only every ours in our hearts. We were chosen to be his forever family until his mother was 5 months along. At that time she chose to go through an agency instead of a private adoption. I have only ever seen photos of this little one and never got to hold him. Though my heart broke when she changed her mind it was nothing like the second situation. Abbie was different. Abbie I held. Abbie I fed. Abbie I sat up with on several sleepless night. Abbie I kissed. Abbie I hugged. Abbie I loved. Today is Abbie's 8th birthday and my heart still longs for her. She was my firstborn, my first loved.
The story of Abbie is a very long one but I will give you the short version. In 2004 we were contacted about situation. There was a woman in prison for statutory rape (she was in mid 30's and her 'boyfriend' was 14) and she was pregnant. This was her 8th child. The first 6 were her husband's and the last 2 were from this boy. The boy took custody of their first child but he denied paternity of the last one. She had no family to take the baby that she was carrying and the state was going to take her and most likely put her up for adoption. She wanted someone to take her and care for her until she was released in 7 years. Yes, 7 years of 'foster' care. We told her no, that there is no way we could even consider it. Shortly after she asked us to adopt instead. There was nothing to consider, we were certain that we would. We met with a lawyer, filled out the paperwork for the home study, gathered documents, and scheduled a meeting between the social worker and the mother. Then things started to unravel.
The mother was told that she was up for parole in late January, just weeks after Abbie's due date. In late November she 'needed more time' and 'wasn't sure' is she should go through with the adoption. We knew that this was mainly due to her hoping to be released and we understood that, but knew that she would not be out that soon. She waited until a week before the baby was born to finally make a decision and asked us to take her until she was released. We knew she was thinking it would be in just few weeks and that if she was, okay, we could keep her for a few weeks. And if she was not released that she would reconsider adoption. It was a risk. A big risk. But we took it. What other option did we have? If we said no and some other family adopted her I would be devastated. To be so close and then walk away? No, I couldn't do it.
To sum it up she was not released then (and not until Abbie was 2 1/2 years old) and she would not allow us to adopt. She wanted to play games with us and we were not going to allow it. In April of 2005 she found another family to take her. They did foster care through their church for the prisoners as did many families, but no one wanted that kind of a commitment. But one family did and we set the date to let her go, April 16th. We had 2 weeks left with her. I don't remember a lot about that time. We got family photos taken. We took video of her. I cut a lock of her hair. And I cried. A lot. I would lay next to her crib and weep. My hubby finally told me that I had to stop. I needed to enjoy this time, that there was time to cry when she was gone. He was right and I tried, but it was hard. Then came the day we had to say goodbye.
We had to drive 2 hours away to meet the family. While we were gone I had someone from church come to take down the nursery and get rid of everything in it. I had another person come to take the clothes and things that we were not sending with her (the family was strict Mennonite and would not use the clothes) and some of the other furniture to give to a needy family. We met at a McDs and they had a separate party room and we sat in there. I held that baby like my life depended on it! But I had to let go. I had to say goodbye. I let the man and hubby gather her stuff and then at the last possible moment I kissed her and handed her over and walked away. I just..........walked away. How do you walk away from a baby that you love like your own? How to survive that? I don't know, but you do. In all honesty I was better once it was over. The weeks leading up to it were killing me. I aged during that time. My hair started to turn gray at that time. It was awful. But to have it over was cleansing in a way.
About 4 months later the foster family was gracious enough to allow us to see Abbie when they traveled through our area. It was wonderful! She came to me immediately! She hugged me and kissed me and laughed and clapped. It did my heart good to see her. I emailed them about 3-4 months after that and they asked that I not contact them again. Abbie's mother did not want me to contact them anymore. Now, about once a year, I check on the sex offender registry to see where they live and I take time to pray for her. I may never know why things went the way they did. But i no longer need those answers. I do know that regardless of the reasons I am to pray for her. That is my role in her life. And maybe one day God will allow me to meet her, if not here then in heaven. Until then, I pray.
**I have a blog with the full story. It is too raw and painful for me to read but it is there if anyone would like to read it: Losing Abbie.
The story of Abbie is a very long one but I will give you the short version. In 2004 we were contacted about situation. There was a woman in prison for statutory rape (she was in mid 30's and her 'boyfriend' was 14) and she was pregnant. This was her 8th child. The first 6 were her husband's and the last 2 were from this boy. The boy took custody of their first child but he denied paternity of the last one. She had no family to take the baby that she was carrying and the state was going to take her and most likely put her up for adoption. She wanted someone to take her and care for her until she was released in 7 years. Yes, 7 years of 'foster' care. We told her no, that there is no way we could even consider it. Shortly after she asked us to adopt instead. There was nothing to consider, we were certain that we would. We met with a lawyer, filled out the paperwork for the home study, gathered documents, and scheduled a meeting between the social worker and the mother. Then things started to unravel.
The mother was told that she was up for parole in late January, just weeks after Abbie's due date. In late November she 'needed more time' and 'wasn't sure' is she should go through with the adoption. We knew that this was mainly due to her hoping to be released and we understood that, but knew that she would not be out that soon. She waited until a week before the baby was born to finally make a decision and asked us to take her until she was released. We knew she was thinking it would be in just few weeks and that if she was, okay, we could keep her for a few weeks. And if she was not released that she would reconsider adoption. It was a risk. A big risk. But we took it. What other option did we have? If we said no and some other family adopted her I would be devastated. To be so close and then walk away? No, I couldn't do it.
To sum it up she was not released then (and not until Abbie was 2 1/2 years old) and she would not allow us to adopt. She wanted to play games with us and we were not going to allow it. In April of 2005 she found another family to take her. They did foster care through their church for the prisoners as did many families, but no one wanted that kind of a commitment. But one family did and we set the date to let her go, April 16th. We had 2 weeks left with her. I don't remember a lot about that time. We got family photos taken. We took video of her. I cut a lock of her hair. And I cried. A lot. I would lay next to her crib and weep. My hubby finally told me that I had to stop. I needed to enjoy this time, that there was time to cry when she was gone. He was right and I tried, but it was hard. Then came the day we had to say goodbye.
We had to drive 2 hours away to meet the family. While we were gone I had someone from church come to take down the nursery and get rid of everything in it. I had another person come to take the clothes and things that we were not sending with her (the family was strict Mennonite and would not use the clothes) and some of the other furniture to give to a needy family. We met at a McDs and they had a separate party room and we sat in there. I held that baby like my life depended on it! But I had to let go. I had to say goodbye. I let the man and hubby gather her stuff and then at the last possible moment I kissed her and handed her over and walked away. I just..........walked away. How do you walk away from a baby that you love like your own? How to survive that? I don't know, but you do. In all honesty I was better once it was over. The weeks leading up to it were killing me. I aged during that time. My hair started to turn gray at that time. It was awful. But to have it over was cleansing in a way.
About 4 months later the foster family was gracious enough to allow us to see Abbie when they traveled through our area. It was wonderful! She came to me immediately! She hugged me and kissed me and laughed and clapped. It did my heart good to see her. I emailed them about 3-4 months after that and they asked that I not contact them again. Abbie's mother did not want me to contact them anymore. Now, about once a year, I check on the sex offender registry to see where they live and I take time to pray for her. I may never know why things went the way they did. But i no longer need those answers. I do know that regardless of the reasons I am to pray for her. That is my role in her life. And maybe one day God will allow me to meet her, if not here then in heaven. Until then, I pray.
**I have a blog with the full story. It is too raw and painful for me to read but it is there if anyone would like to read it: Losing Abbie.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Appointments scheduled....now we wait
I called to get my lining scan scheduled. It is for Monday, the 21st. I will get my blood drawn first then head across the street for u/s. Then I wait for "the call". The call that will tell me if all is fine and if we can proceed. This time I won't be blindsided though as I will know to ask the RE what my lining is before I leave. And if it is over 12 but close I am going to ask that he remeasure. From what I understand (from the 'expert' Dr. Google) is that you can get different measurements in different places of the uterus. If one area says 13 but one says 12, let's go with 12. Also, I found my records from my last FET and an trying to decipher it to determine what my lining was back then. The only thing that I have from that date is the pic from the u/s and I have no idea how to figure out what or if my lining is even listed on there. I am sure that it must be, but I don't have the code to break it. So I am going to ask my RE. If my lining was thick then and is thick now I am planning on doing some begging.
Once I know for sure we are a go I will buy my tickets. I need to fly out on Friday the 25th, transfer on Sunday, home on Monday. That means that Saturday will be mine. All mine. Just me!!! And the beach! So Florida, please be kind and have nice weather. My Nook and I would like to come and visit. I won't bother you, I just want to watch you while I read a good book. Now if I only had someone to fan me with leaves and feed me grapes. ;)
Once I know for sure we are a go I will buy my tickets. I need to fly out on Friday the 25th, transfer on Sunday, home on Monday. That means that Saturday will be mine. All mine. Just me!!! And the beach! So Florida, please be kind and have nice weather. My Nook and I would like to come and visit. I won't bother you, I just want to watch you while I read a good book. Now if I only had someone to fan me with leaves and feed me grapes. ;)
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Today is CD1
So today is the day we begin this roller coaster ride yet again. I slapped on a Vivelle patch this morning, will call my local clinic to schedule my u/s, and call the FL clinic to have the order faxed to the local clinic. I should be on a plane is just over 2 weeks. And I am so much to do before then!!! It is crazy! I start watching 2 more kids on Monday. This means I need someone to come over while I am gone and care for the 3 that I watch. Which means a lot of preparations. A lot! But it is doable. Well, it is if I get working on it now. FL will be a nice vacation after all of this work!
Monday, January 7, 2013
How do you prepare?
Before my first FET back in 2009 made sure to get myself as prepared
as possible to give the embryos the best chance I could. I started
walking every day (I was already going to the gym 2x a week), I cut out
caffeine completely, I tool prenatal vitamins and an additional 4 folic
acid as well, I was careful to take my thyroid meds every day (I am bad
about this one) and changed my eating habits. I continued all but the
exercise throughout my pregnancy (had bleeding and was restricted from
too much activity) and I lost weight to boot.
Fast forward to this past year when we attempted our last FET. I was taking my thyroid meds 4 out of 7 days a week, I was guzzling soda, my eating was not good at all (but it was the holidays so it doesn't count, right??), no exercise, and just all around unhealthy. I knew that I needed to do better but I was so crazy busy I never got around to it. Now that the first cycle was canceled and we are gearing up to try again this month I am getting my butt in gear!
My biggest issue is caffeine consumption. I am a couponer and couponers cannot pass up a good deal. I'm sorry, but it's in my DNA do snatch up a good deal. And CVS has some good deal on soda. Really good deals! It didn't take long for me to start drinking several cans of Pepsi a day. Mmmmm, Pepsi! So delish! It got to the point that I was barely drinking any water. So I am on a mission to reduce my caffeine to one serving a day. The problem is not so much that I love Pepsi but that I get horrible migraines. And caffeine withdrawal migraines make you wish for death. Seriously, the first time I went through we went to the ER, certain I was dying from a brain tumor exploding inside my skull. So I have to do this gradually. I am cutting out soda and drinking either a coffee or tea instead. I will still have a small soda when out but never buy it for home now. Once I am passed the soda withdrawals I will try to cut out even the one cup of coffee as well, but I will have to use Excedrin for the first few days.
I have been doing this for about a week and so far, so good. Hubby even got a 2 liter of Pepsi yesterday (he rarely drinks soda so this was a surprise) and I had one 4 oz glass with my pizza. That was all. **pats self on back** And the majority of the bottle is sitting there and it is not even bothering me. And my water consumption is up to about 6 glasses a day! Go me!!!
My next goal is to take my vitamins and thyroid meds every day. Last week I took it 3 times and this week I am shooting for all 7 days. I don't know why I am bad about this, but I must do better!!! I want to give our little embies the best chance at sticking and in order for that to happen I have to do better. And I will!
So how do you/will you prepare? Anything you do different? Or are you just one of those already healthy people that always make me feel guilty? ;)
Fast forward to this past year when we attempted our last FET. I was taking my thyroid meds 4 out of 7 days a week, I was guzzling soda, my eating was not good at all (but it was the holidays so it doesn't count, right??), no exercise, and just all around unhealthy. I knew that I needed to do better but I was so crazy busy I never got around to it. Now that the first cycle was canceled and we are gearing up to try again this month I am getting my butt in gear!
My biggest issue is caffeine consumption. I am a couponer and couponers cannot pass up a good deal. I'm sorry, but it's in my DNA do snatch up a good deal. And CVS has some good deal on soda. Really good deals! It didn't take long for me to start drinking several cans of Pepsi a day. Mmmmm, Pepsi! So delish! It got to the point that I was barely drinking any water. So I am on a mission to reduce my caffeine to one serving a day. The problem is not so much that I love Pepsi but that I get horrible migraines. And caffeine withdrawal migraines make you wish for death. Seriously, the first time I went through we went to the ER, certain I was dying from a brain tumor exploding inside my skull. So I have to do this gradually. I am cutting out soda and drinking either a coffee or tea instead. I will still have a small soda when out but never buy it for home now. Once I am passed the soda withdrawals I will try to cut out even the one cup of coffee as well, but I will have to use Excedrin for the first few days.
I have been doing this for about a week and so far, so good. Hubby even got a 2 liter of Pepsi yesterday (he rarely drinks soda so this was a surprise) and I had one 4 oz glass with my pizza. That was all. **pats self on back** And the majority of the bottle is sitting there and it is not even bothering me. And my water consumption is up to about 6 glasses a day! Go me!!!
My next goal is to take my vitamins and thyroid meds every day. Last week I took it 3 times and this week I am shooting for all 7 days. I don't know why I am bad about this, but I must do better!!! I want to give our little embies the best chance at sticking and in order for that to happen I have to do better. And I will!
So how do you/will you prepare? Anything you do different? Or are you just one of those already healthy people that always make me feel guilty? ;)
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Our Christmas
Here are a few pics of Maddie this Christmas. It was her first year to understand gift opening so it was fun to watch her get excited.
Here she was told to wait until daddy came out of the bedroom. She was not happy about that!
Excuse the mess!!!
Here she was told to wait until daddy came out of the bedroom. She was not happy about that!
Excuse the mess!!!
Friday, January 4, 2013
ouch! that one stung a little
I am 35 and have been married 14 years. My hubby and I have worked with youth our entire married life. During this time we have seen teens grow up, get married and start families. Some have had 4-5 kids, one just had number six!! This teens was an older teen so it was not too bad. But now, the younger teens are having their 2nd and 3rd babies. This week a young woman that was 11 years old when we got married just announced baby number 2 is on the way. For some reason this one really hurt. To add insult to injury she posted a pic of herself and two other barely 20 year olds showing off their baby bumps. It made me feel so...old. Is 35 old now?? The 20 year old kid that just called me ma'am sure thinks so. Pimply faced geek.
Now don't get me wrong, I wouldn't wish infertility on anyone. Okay, that's not entirely true. Crack whores should be infertile. Pedophiles and child abusers should be too. Democrats too. I kid! I kid!!! But I truly do not wish for them to be infertile. But do they all have to be so gosh darn fertile?
While it stings to watch other people move forward so effortlessly, I am ready to dust out the cobwebs in my uterus and try again. Hope they don't find any spiders in there!
Now don't get me wrong, I wouldn't wish infertility on anyone. Okay, that's not entirely true. Crack whores should be infertile. Pedophiles and child abusers should be too. Democrats too. I kid! I kid!!! But I truly do not wish for them to be infertile. But do they all have to be so gosh darn fertile?
While it stings to watch other people move forward so effortlessly, I am ready to dust out the cobwebs in my uterus and try again. Hope they don't find any spiders in there!
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