no news is.....

Well, just that. No news. Still no period. No hints. No teasing. Nothing. I am on CD33 which is really late for me. And no, I am not pregnant. In 11 days I will have to take Provera which I have never, ever needed before. My repro organs are jacked up with just about everything under the sun, but regular periods is not one of them. Now we are adding that to the mix? Great!

In order to do an FET before January I have to start the next cycle before Nov. 30th. With meds that should be no problem, but I don't want to have to use meds to start my cycle. If that is the case I would rather take the meds and wait until January and allow my body to get back to working on its own. But even if I do start in the next few days I will most likely still have to wait until January as starting a cycle now puts my lining check right around Thanksgiving. The clinic here closes early n Wednesday and will be closed until the following Monday. So no lining check for me.

I really have no idea what we will do. It is looking like January which is not all bad. Maddie was conceived on December 11th and I would prefer not to do the next FET around the same time. I don't want to be in labor on her birthday. I would rather have a few weeks between them. This is assuming that this whole thing works again of course. So I don't know what to do. Right now we are just waiting, waiting, waiting...............

an open letter to all RE's

Dear Dr. RE,

I wanted to take this moment to thank you for the work that you do. Without all of you many of us would never have the opportunity to even try to have a baby. The advancements in reproductive medicine are amazing and people like you make this possible. But, as in any field of expertise, there is the tendency to become far removed for the common man. I want to take a few minutes to share with you what it is like to be on our side of things.

When we come in for that first consultation we are usually a bit scared. We already know that something is wrong but we are hoping that it will be a simple fix. This is denial. We all do it. It protects us from ugly truth that you are about to share with us. So be kind. Be gentle. This is scary! We know that you are busy and important but don't rush through our appointments. Allow plenty of time to answer our questions and assure us that you care, even if you don't. We don't need to be coddled, just respected.

See us as people, not dollar signs. Don't try to push more expensive procedure just because it lines your pockets. And the same is try if we really do need IVF, please don't push us to do several IUIs when you know that we will be wasting our money. Be honest with us and give us the facts. We know you are not God and cannot determine with certainty what will work or not, but give us your best estimation. Remember, we are not made of money. The majority of your patients cannot just write out a check for IVF. Most of us have to work overtime, sell items, do fundraisers, mortgage our homes and even our retirements. We put everything on the line for just this one chance. And while we are talking money, have you considered reevaluating your prices? Maybe offer cash discounts? Or a sliding scale based upon income? Do you accept leftover medications and donate them to patients that need it? What about a referral discount? Also, make us aware of any resources available that could save us some money. We expect to pay for your services and to pay well. We don't have an issue with this so much as how outrageous these services can be at times. It often restricts us from being able to proceed. Please consider this when deciding on what to charge.

Your staff is one of the most important facets of your clinic. A beautiful waiting room, fancy lights and soft music are nice, but not nearly as important as an efficient staff. It should not take days to get a return call from a nurse. Prices should be explained clearly. Be kind when we call or sign in. Fax records or reports as soon as possible. Be clear with instructions. And don't get upset when we need to ask you to clarify something. This is new to us and we don't always understand. If you do not use emails to communicate, consider it. This allows us to ask our questions and your staff to communicate when they have a moment. And one of the most important things is to show compassion when telling us that our pregnancy test came back negative. Those words shatter our hearts into a million pieces. All of that time and money was for nothing. Please remember that when sharing this news.

These are just a few things that we, as patients,  hope to share with you. I am sure that some of my readers will add their thoughts as well. We are hoping to expand our families not have elective plastic surgery. No, we do not "have" to have a baby, this is not a life threatening disease, but it is something that we feel to our very core, that need to procreate. Your compassion and understanding is much appreciated.

Thank you,
Infertiles everywhere

baby #9?!?!?!?

I attend a church of about 200 people. It is a very diverse group. The church is located in a middle/upper class area but the people come from all over. We have men in a half way house ministry that attend, a couple of pharmacists, a doctor, several SAHMs, some homeschoolers, a couple of scientists, a truck driver, waitresses, you name it. We have it all. What we also have are some crazy fertile people.

In the past 2-3 months we have had 4 families announce that they are pregnant. This is after 5 births earlier this year. One of the 4 families is having baby #4, two are baby number #5 and one is having their 9th. Yes, their 9th! We have two Duggar-esque families. One had their 8th earlier in the year and now this one having their 9th. And then there is me, struggling to have a second. I can honestly say that I am happy for all of these families as they are good families and support themselves and care for their children. But why not me? I know we all ask this at some time or another and I asked it often during our 11 years waiting for Maddie. But I am there again. As I sit here and wait for my period to start (nope, not yet!) I wonder if I will get to join this group of super fertiles. I wish that God did things like we teach toddler: one for you, one for me. But alas, He does not. So again......I wait.....

still waiting........

Seriously, AF, you are getting on my nerves! I took off my estrogen patches on CD12 and was told that I would most likely start in "3-4 day". I am now on CD25 and she is nowhere to be seen. Not even a peek-a-boo. Nothing!! I hate her! I don't even care that she is messing is holding up the FET as that will happen in its own time. What I am afraid of is just how bad this cycle will be. I am an endo gal and already have painful cycles. My lining was too thick for transfer (according to this RE) and I cannot imagine how thick it might be by now. This is gonna hurt!

So for now, no updates. Nothing going on. Just waiting and more waiting.........

why Aunt Flo and not Uncle Gush?

I used to wonder how we came up with AF or Aunt Flo. Yes, I understand the Flo=flow part. I get it. Cute. Whatever. But did we really need to assign it a feminine name? Like a woman would really curse another woman with blood flowing out of her gina? Why not Uncle Gush or Cousin Drip? But today it came to me. Men don't play games. Women are catty and like to tease. As I sit here waiting for the elusive Aunt Flo to arrive I finally understand why our periods are of the feminine gender. No man would stay away when he is expected only to show up with a vendetta. Nor would a man arrive a week early and mess up a vacation. Women get angry and like to show you who is boss, much like AF is doing right now.

When my cycle was cancelled last Friday I was told to remove all 4 patches at the same time and that with my lining already at 16 that I should start in 3-4 days. Did that happen? Of course not! This crazy Aunt of mine decided it would be funny to screw everything up and wait. I can only imagine how bad this cycle will be when she finally does decide to show her ugly face. Why can't Aunt Flow be that nice aunt that everyone one envies instead of the crazy one you hide from at family gatherings?

sharing the cuteness

The other night Maddie was in bed with me and said "I cuddle" She then wrapped her arms around my neck,  kissed my cheek and said "I luv you, Momma." My heart just melted. Those 12 years of waiting were so worth it! I still marvel that she is really mine. That God gave her to us. Without EA she would not be here with us. We may never have a child's laughter to fill our home. But we do and she is such a joy. A terror at times, but mainly a joy! Here are a few photos of my cutie for you all.

 

Diva.....with upside down glasses
 

Creative dressing. Please notice the Elmo pj pants and mismatched shoes. But everything is pink so she "matches".
 

 
She is going to be a Bumble Bee for Halloween

Holy Hormones, Batman!

On Friday I was wearing 4 Vivelle dot patches. When the nurse called to tell me that they cycle was cancelled she told me to remove all four of the patches at once and that AF would start in about 3-4 days. No big deal, right? Wrong! My hormones are all over the place. I am a crazy, schizo psychopath! Once minute I am fine, just enjoying the day. The next minute my head does a 360 spin and pea soup starts flying. And then I cry because I have no control. I am starting to get on my own nerves. And how do you get away from yourself?

I really hope that AF shows up soon so that this can start leveling off. Also, I think that the nurse said that I can start the patches again once that happens. But I was so upset when she called I can't remember if I was supposed to have a cycle and then start the NEXT cycle. So I will have to call tomorrow so that I can be prepared.

I am getting better about the whole canceled cycle thing. I am still not happy about it, but ready to get started again. I am tired of my life revolving around all of this. I had almost 2 years of just enjoying life and not feeling like I was jumping through hoops just for the chance of trying for a baby. Being on this roller coaster again is not something I missed. And it is a bad time to do this as almost every woman of childbearing age at church is pregnant right now. One just had baby #4, one is pregnant with baby #4, and two are pregnant with baby #5. Another just had baby #8. Yeah, it is a  fertile place. For the fertiles, anyway. And this is a small church of less than 200 peeps. I am yet again the one that is left out. And if we are successful I will be the last one again. When I had Maddie I was the last of 5 woman to have a baby in a 5 month period. By the time my shower came around people were so over showers.

I am trying to shake off this moodiness and get things ready for the next go round. And prepare my heart in case it is yet again canceled. I am so over infertility!!!