So very, very CRABBY!!!

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. I doubt that there would have even been a "right" side this morning!! It is bad! I am biting everyone's head off. I think that it is because I was cramping a spotting a bit last night. Not enough to cause concern, but yet it did. For some reason I had assumed that getting pregnant would end all of my worries and frustrations. But that is not so. Infertility has dragged her ugly butt from my childless state and made herself a cozy place in my pregnancy.

Infertility caused me to feel inferior, defunct, and isolated. Pregnancy was supposed to cure all of that. Instead I feel inferior to the younger mothers and out of place with those my own age that have 4 kids. Infertility had so many ups and downs, each step riddled with disappointments. My battered heart believes that pregnancy will be much of the same. I am having a hard time resting in Him, believing that things will go well. It angers me that I cannot be young and naive, clueless to the heartaches out there. I wish that I could be giddy with excitement, telling the world my good news. Instead I weigh my words, careful not hurt someone still waiting, or sound immature to someone my own age that has "been there, done that". I feel robbed, my innocence stolen.

A newly married woman assumes that she will get pregnant right away. Once she does it never occurs to her that things may not go as planned. When life falls into place you assume that it will continue along that vein. When you are newly married and assume that you will get pregnant right away and you do not, those assumptions change. The longer that you wait for your dreams to be realized the less hope that you have. You assume that because everything else did not fall into place that pregnancy will be more of the same.

I want to be that girl, the one that it all goes well for. But then I look back on all of the things that I have learned. Infertility has made me who I am, some bad, but much good. There are days that I mourn my lost innocence, but many days I praise Him for teaching me so many important lessons in life.

Deciding not to transition to new blog

Originally I had decided to transition to a new blog just for pregnancy, but have since decided to stay here. I will change my description of the blog to that of pregnancy after infertility instead of infertility so that new people will know before reading it what it is about. For those that are not in a place to follow this part of my journey I will understand if you no longer follow my blog. I have been there and if my posts cause you pain, please do what is best for you. I hope that my blog will give you hope, not pain though. If there ever was a hopeless situation, mine was it! Being where I am today is only by the grace of God.

The results are in.....

and there is one healthy baby in there!!!! There was a strong heartbeat and everything looks perfect! Seeing the heartbeat was the most amazing thing. My hubby and I just cried. My official due date is August 30th and I have been released to my regular OB and will see him next Thursday.

Right now I am adjusting to thinking baby, not babies. Please don't think that I am not pleased as punch over this bambino, I am. But 2 embies went in, it is not easy knowing that 2 will not come out. It is not about being greedy and wanting more, it is about loving 2 embies from the beginning and sad that one is no longer with me.

After the appointment I went to a consignment shop and tried on maternity clothes. It was FUN!!!! I found 3 tops and one skirt, not an easy feat for a chubby girl. I have browsed before this for maternity clothing, but this time it was for real. I am a mom-to-be and I had the right to be there, trying on the clothes and the fake baby bump. I was huge sporting that bump though!! I told hubby that once I am huge with child we will no longer be able to hug. We will just have to bump bellies and wave.

Seeing our baby on the screen made it all real to me. Now that I know all is well I am no longer wishing for morning sickness. Which means that I will most likely get it now. But I don't care. Anything for the bambino!!!

Holy Heparin, Batman!!!

I have to take heparin injections each day. Right now it is for the first trimester but may be for the entire pregnancy. They are done with a small insulin needle which does not hurt in itself. But the heparin has a tendency to sting. Not every time, but about every 2 out of 3 injections hurt. And if I do it in the wrong spot (not sure what constitutes a "wrong" spot except for the pain) it really stings as well as bruises and even leaves a knot under the skin. Right now I have two knots and several purple bruises. At least the purple is pretty to look at. The rest of my stomach is a putrid shade of green and yellow. Very sexy!

There is an upside to this though. I look and feel pregnant, at least in the midsection. Well, being that I am chubby I always look about 6 months pg, but now it has rounded out. It also hurts to bend or reach my feet. I wish that this was from actual fetal growth not heparin swelling. Maybe I should start wearing maternity and let people assume that I am due soon! ;-)

I have my ultrasound tomorrow and I am very excited. While there I will be asking the nurse for some tips on how to give these injections with less discomfort. If I remember to ask. I may be too excited from the ultrasound to even think about it!

One bump, or two?

I was scheduled for my first ultrasound on Monday the 11th, but my lack of symptoms have been making me anxious. I called the doctor's office today and asked if I could come in earlier. They rescheduled me for this Friday! I am super excited!! And nervous. Praying that all is well with this little bambino.....or two. Can't wait to find out if it is a singleton or twins. I would love twins but I will ecstatic either way. Everyone is convinced that it is twins and always refer to them as "the babies". One friend has been praying that I am having triplets! If I am I may smack her!!! =)

I did have a dream the other night that I had triplets. I had been put under anesthesia for a c-section and when I woke up there were 2 baby girls to my left. I said, "Oh, two girls. That's nice" as I was hoping for boy/girl twins. Then someone at the foot of the bed held up a boy. Even in my dream I was overwhelmed! And it didn't help that they were not cute. At all. The tricks that our mind plays on us!!

So this Friday I will know how many and how well they are doing. I will update you all as soon as I can!

Not all sunshine and roses

We have been trying to get pregnant for over 11 years. This has given me a lot of time to imagine how it would feel to announce our pregnancy, shop for maternity clothes, choose baby names, etc. The reality of it is so different than I had ever imagined! The announcing part was how I thought that it would be. When I saw the word "pregnant" on the test I was giddy with excitement and I was overjoyed to tell friends and family. But the rest of it is nothing like I saw it to be in my dreams.

I am currently 6 weeks and I should still be riding the wave of euphoria. But I am not. I have not had my first ultrasound and I don't feel pregnant so I worry that I am no longer pregnant. A part of me refuses to get excited because the u/s might show that the baby is not growing. Or that there is no heartbeat. I think that if I had some symptoms I would be able to relax a bit, but I don't. Right now food tastes a little odd and I have little appetite, I am a little tired as well. Other than that I feel "normal". I don't want to feel normal, I want to feel sick from morning sickness, my boobs to swell like melons, and to be so tired that I can barely keep my eyes open.

I am also having to continue my medication regimen and I hate it! Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for this miracle baby and the opportunity that embryo adoption has given us, but the medication is not fun! It begins at 7am with 1 injection, 3 pills, 1 vaginal suppository and 2 patches that have to be changed every three days. Then another suppository at 2pm, another injection and 2 pills ar 7pm and the last suppository at 10pm. Then my 6 folic acid and 1 prenatal. If I go anywhere throughout the day I have to take medication with me. The shots hurt and my belly is bruised and sore. And the cost!!! The other day I ordered refills and it is coming tomorrow. I miscalculated and needed one of them yesterday so I went to a local pharmacy and paid cash price. Instead of $25 copay for 90 pills it $41 for 6 pills!

All of that complaining to say that I praise Him for this baby(s) and this whining is hormonal!!

A time of "lasts"

My hubby and I are planning a quiet night at home tonight. I am making some crab legs and porterhouse steaks with stuffed mushrooms and Parmesan potatoes. Is your mouth watering yet?? Mine sure is!!! I treasure these times together. Today it dawned on us that this is the last New Year's as a family of two. It was our last Christmas without the pitter patter of little feet. This year will be our last birthdays, our last anniversary and our last Fourth of July without a little one to care for. The thought is a bittersweet one.

Our desire for children has never been to fix a troubled marriage or an unhappy life. The trials of infertility has strengthened our bond as a couple and we have a full and happy life. Children will be an addition to this life. I look forward to the changes that 2010 will bring us. Though I will miss these times with my hubby I am anxious to add to our family!