Power of Positive Thinking

I am the type of person that tends to hover between pessimism and realism, rarely is optimism my companion. I would love to be one of those annoying eternally optimistic people, but I am just not made that way. But this time I have removed pessimism from my vocabulary. And though I am not all of the way over to the side of optimism I am nearer to it than realism. Have I confused you yet???

Basically I am trying to think positive about the upcoming transfer. I have browsed diaper bags. I have joined Swagbucks (free to use) to help earn "bucks" to buy an Amazon gift cards to use towards baby stuff. I am halfway to a $50 gift card. Yay me!!!

Infomercial: Swagbucks is great!! You sign up and use their search engine (instead of google) and you earn bucks. If you use the link to the right you can sign up under me and I will earn when you earn. **hint**hint**..........end infomercial.

Another thing that I have done is created a new blog for my potential pregnancy. I will still use this one for infertility related issues, but I will have a separate pregnancy one. Once I decided on the name (which is quite clever if I so say so myself) I decided to snag it just in case. I am a looking for the perfect background for it and I want to have it ready to use once we see 2 pink lines. Until then it will remain a secret.

All of these steps are my way of remaining positive. I read on someone's blog that they were blessed not because they were pregnant or because things were going well, but because they are a child of the King. So regardless of whether or not we have a baby next year we are still blessed. We will be sad and we will mourn the loss of our embies, but we will still be blessed. But I am going to think positive thoughts that our "blessed" will include a baby. ;-)

No turning back!

This week is THE week. I start lupron on Wednesday. A part of me is sad that I have to do all of this just for a chance and pregnancy, but there is another part of me, a larger part, that is so thankful for medical science giving me this opportunity. I am so convinced that it is going to work that I talk about my babies like they are already growing. I am not sure if I am just being optimistic or setting myself up for heartbreak. But I need this right now. I need the faith and the hope that optimism brings.

My family is even being optimistic. This is the first time that they have ever been optimistic and supportive and it is wonderful! My brother called me the other day to say that there was a yard sale with a bunch of baby stuff. I told him to call my sister who actually has a baby but he said "yeah, but you are gonna need all that stuff next year." Like it was a given. My mom even looked through a clearance rack for a maternity bathing suit for me for next summer. I love that they are so sure that this will work!

All things work together for good....

You know, I really dislike hearing that verse. Let me clarify, it is not really the verse that irritates me but the abuse we Christians have done with that verse. We tend to use it in a patronizing way, like a pat on the head or a band-aid. Just something to make us feel better when we really don't know what to say to someone or do for that is hurting or going through a trial.

"Your dog died? Oh, I am sorry. But you do know that 'all things work together for good' "

"I am so sorry to hear that you are have lost your house and have filed bankruptcy. But 'all things work together for good' and God has a reason for this."

I don't know why we feel the need to say this to people. It is true that all things DO work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose, but that is not necessarily what a person wants to hear during their trials. But I digress. The point of this post is not insensitive Christians, but in the truth of that verse. Earlier this year my younger sister announced that she was pregnant. She was not trying nor was she happy about it. This news devastated me! And had someone quoted this verse to me I would have rolled my eyes and maybe even punched them in the nose for quoting it to me. But 10 months later I see that it really did all work together for good.

The first few days after I heard her news I stayed in bed and cried. For the next few weeks I moped and tried to avoid people. I knew that I was headed toward a depression and finally sought help via a Christian counselor. This was one of the best decisions that I have ever made. A few months later I was much stronger emotionally and spiritually and I even got involved in a children's ministry at church, something that I had not done in 7 years. From there things just began to fall into place. I was ready to return to the world of ttc and found a new RE, one that offered an embryo adoption/donation program. By an amazing series of events I was allowed onto their waiting list and shortly thereafter matched with donated embies. During this time my sister had her baby and though it was not easy for me, God helped me through it. Becoming a mommy has changed my sister and we are close now, something we have never been before. This closeness has helped my sister to see our desire for a baby and she has provided the money for us to to do our transfer.

So my sister's unplanned pregnancy has helped me to have a chance at a baby of my own. I think that fall into the 'all things work together for good' category, though I could not see it at the time.

Today I am Sad

The incident from church last night is still bothering me. (read yesterday's post) Rarely do I allow anything to bother me for this long so the hormones must be contributing to my depressed state. I haven't done my hair. No make-up either. And if you knew me you would know that this is so not the norm for me! I tend to be a bit of a priss. All I have done today is nap. All over one announcement. Crazy!!!

I need to trust in Him and lean on Him right now, and I am trying to. But it is not easy. I seriously doubt that this announcement came as a surprise to Him, nor will it alter His plans. If my babies are to be they will be. Now I feel stupid for even being bothered by all of this. If I am this hormonal now, how will I be next week when I break out the guns?? Maybe my hubby should go visit family for a few weeks!!!

Baby Making Meds Have Arrived!

I was never so excited to see the UPS man today. I was looking for FedEx but it was UPS that brought me my special delivery. I opened the box and I must say, there was a lot of meds!!! And a LOT of syringes!! Scary! But I must say that I am looking forward to the injections. I hate gagging, I mean swallowing, pills. Shots seem so much easier! It is a little intimidating though, looking at all of this. Just trying to remember what to take and when, sheesh! I have a nice printed calendar from the doctor but it has a lot of marks and x's on it. Right now I am glad that I am not working. This stuff consumes your whole day!!!

Throughout this whole thing I have been fairly optimistic and excited about all of this. Not that I haven't been nervous or scared, but for the most part I have done well with it all. Until tonight. A few weeks ago I posted in my blog that 2 women in church announced their pregnancies and that I had hoped to be number three. Well, that is not going to happen. The third announcement was made tonight. The announcement itself was not difficult to hear, but the fact that it was the third one hit me hard. I don't know why as I do not believe in superstition, but it still made me sad. I am trying not to allow it to discourage me and remain optimistic. I am trying to place my trust in Him and not the theory of pregnancy coming in three's. Besides, maybe they really do and I will have the whole next set of three's! ;-)

Special Delivery

No, not the special delivery, but the delivery of my meds. I placed my order today and should have them no later than Wednesday or Thursday. They would have been shipped out today but they were out of Heparin. They will have it tomorrow and it will be shipped tomorrow. YAY!! It cost as much as a Kate Spade or nice Coach purse, but in the end it will be worth it. It felt great to take this next step. Once here I will get the first 14 syringes ready and then begin on November 11th. Once I start the injections I am sure that time will go much faster. From 11/11 to 12/11 I will have injections, pills, and 2 ultrasounds. Thanksgiving will help distract me for a few days as well. My cake decorating classes start tomorrow too so that will help too.

With the impending arrival of the meds I am getting excited. More excited I should say. I am not sure if it is the excitement causing the insomnia or the meds, but at night I lay there and daydream about maternity clothing, nursery decor and baby names. I can't seem to stop myself! For so many years we have had so little hope that this whole process is making me giddy!

Well, I am off to camp out by the front door to await my special delivery!!

Speeding by in slow motion

That is how life feels right now. One minute I am fretting because it will be several weeks before the FET. Then I am panicking that I start Lupron injections in 10 short days. December 21st (BETA) seems like an eternity away. Yet, Dec.11th (transfer day) is just around the corner. I am excited to pursue this option and pray that it works. Yet I am terrified that it will and then there is no turning back. Eleven years as a family of two spoils you! I enjoy sleeping in. I love to pamper myself. And right now I am the princess! Am I ready to give up my tiara?? The answer is, yes I am. Though it won't be without adjustments.

It all seems to unreal to me still. We have waited so long for this that I keep waiting for the bad news to come. Either that the donors changed their mind. Or the money is not available. Or I don't respond to the meds. Then I am on a high, looking at baby furniture and discussing baby names. If I am this crazy on just the progesterone what will I be like on the other meds? I hope that my hubby doesn't have me committed!!!