The "other" side

For so many years I have been outside looking in the lives of families with children. Outside the inner circle. Now I am approaching what could quite possibly be the door to the entrance of life on the other side of infertility and it scares me. Not for reasons that you might think, though. I am not terrified of motherhood, though maybe I should be. I am not fearful of regret or afraid of failure. I am scared to leave my fellow infertile sisters behind. So many of us have run this race together, watching friends and loved ones sprint past us, many times lapping us several times. So we all banded together, helping each other along when times got tough and we thought that we could not take another step. Now I feel like I am abandoning these sisters and I am not even pregnant yet.

I so want to be on the "other" side, I do! I want to feel the excitement, anticipation and even relief that accompanies crossing over. But I want all of you to join me. I want us to complete this race together, holding hands, banded tight. But it is not to be. If this is my time (and I pray that it is) I will cross over to the "other" side with all of you cheering me on. But know that if this happens I may no longer be running this same race, but I will be sitting on the side lines cheering all of you on, waiting to hug you on the "other" side.

More good news!!!

I received a call today from my coordinator at the clinic and the donor family came in for testing (like planned) and the results came back today. Everything is perfect!!! We had assumed that it would be, but confirmation is great! Also, they brought their twin daughters with them and the coordinator said that they are healthy, alert, and adorable! She even snagged me a picture of them!!! So on Friday I will get to see a picture of what our kid(s) might look like. How awesome is that? Most people using an anonymous donor never get that opportunity so this is a huge blessing to us.

I am so excited and I thank all of you for allowing us to share our journey with you.

ICLW Welcome!

For those of you visiting for the first time, welcome to my little corner of the world!! Here is a basic overview of my infertility journey:

Married 11 years
Diagnosed with low sperm count after 1 year ttc
Went the adoption route
2 failed adoption later returned to ttc
Diagnosed with azoospermia, endometriosis, PCOS, and blocked tube....we got it all!!!!
4 rounds DIUI....all negative
This past July began the embryo adoption/donation route
A match has been made and transfer scheduled next month


That about sums it all up! Infertility is doing its darnedest to make me cray, but I am still hanging on........though barely! My blog chronicles the embryo adoption/donation journey as well as the day to day struggles that we all go through. Infertility is a merciless enemy, but I believe that if we all band together we can get through it! I look forward to getting to know all of you!

An "aha" moment

Today I went to see my counselor. I began seeing her this past February after learning that my sister was pregnant. Since going to he I have been growing and learning so much about myself. One of the most prevalent themes of our discussions is where God is in all of this. I try not to, but often I question His plan in all of this. What possible benefit can there be in being infertile? I know the basic answers, that everything happens for a reason. But why for me, in particular? Is it because there is something for me to learn? Someone I am supposed to meet? Some place I am supposed to go?

After 11 years I am no closer to the answer and left with even more questions. But today I looked at it through a new set of eyes. My counselor's mother was unable to have a child until she was almost 40 years old. Her mother struggles with the same thoughts and feelings that we all have today, but without any support or outlet. One thing that she learned through it all is that it was not about she, herself, not being ready to be a mother, but about her daughter not ready to be here yet. God has a plan for each of us, of that I am certain. My plan was to have 2-3 children by now. That may have been fine with Him except the child that we are to have might need to be 20 years old in the year 2030, therefore unable to be born until 2010. The hold up on my plan might be for the timing of a future plan. I had never thought of this before.

This revelation does not make the wait easier or fun, but it does help me to put it into perspective. It is difficult not to become somewhat self absorbed while trying to achieve the dream of motherhood, but from time to time I need to step back and see that it is not always all about me. And now I can think about what my little embryos may become one day. Maybe one of them will end world hunger. Or find a cure for cancer or even infertility. Whatever it is I hope that they are very wealthy and can support me in the way that I was meant to be!!! Mansion, limos, furs and diamonds here I come!!!

Busy! Busy! Busy!

WOW! This past week has been crazy busy!! Last week both my hubby and I got sick. It was just a virus but it knocked both of us on our butts for a few days. During this we had to prepare for a wedding that we were both in. Right before the wedding I began to feel worse and went to the clinic and found that I had tonsillitis on top of it all. Yay me!! During the whole ceremony on Saturday I had a cough drop in my mouth trying to keep from disrupting the wedding. Afterwards I went home and slept for 11 hours straight. On Sunday I began to get worried because I was not feeling better yet. Actually, I was feeling worse. So I googled it. Never google symptoms!!! My symptoms were pointing to mono which would have really upset me! I have this fear of something interfering with out transfer and mono could have easily done so.

Now it is Monday and the wedding is over and we are both feeling better. Thankfully it was tonsillitis and not mono so all is good! This week I am trying to get my house under control from last week's hectic schedule. I am cleaning out my car in preparation of selling it. *sniff*sniff* I have my appointment this week for the protocol for our transfer (yay!) And then all of the regular day to day stuff that keeps me busy. But I am not complaining. In a year from now I will hopefully be begging for this kind of busy again! Especially if we have quads!!!!

Officially Day ONE

Today is officially Day One! Here is my first birth control pill, ready for consumption. I also received a call from the clinic today. The donor family is coming in for their blood testing this Sunday!!! And I have my protocol appointment next Friday, the 23rd. I am giddy with excitement! And fear!!!!! This is all so real now. Well, as real as it can be for now. I am sure that once I start the injections that it will be even more real!

So there are two prayer requests at this time: 1.) that the donor couple pass all the necessary testing and 2.) that the rest of the funds are provided. We only have 25% of the money together right now. Between now and the transfer we should easily have half of the money, but that still leaves us with about $2000 to come up with. I am planning on selling my car for the remainder of the amount, but am praying that I don't have to do that. I would rather sell my car later to put a down payment on a mini-van!

It comes in 3's

They always say that pregnancy and death always come in threes. Have you ever wondered who the all-knowing "they" are, these so called experts? But I digress. Whether there is a scientific reason behind the thought or if it is just random, it does seem that these two events do come in sets of three. So what does that mean for the infertile? It means that with every pregnancy announcement comes the hope that we will be a part of the set of three. First announcement, you hope to be either the second or the third. After the second announcement you frantically begin ttc, hoping to be announcement number three. When someone else sweeps in with the third announcement you feel dejected, that all hope it lost. Until another announcement and the cycle continues.

When you are infertile you look for anything to give you hope. It has been quite awhile since I have been in this cycle as we have not been ttc for a few years. Now that we are approaching our FET it is all coming back to me. This past Sunday at church the second pregnancy was announced. So my mind starts its endless series of craziness and I am hoping to be #3. If someone else announces before we are pregnant then I will convince myself it is because we will have triplets and will be our own set of three. Hey, I never said I was sane!!!