This is my 4th attempt at a transfer. The 4th in a year. For someone that has regular cycles this was a surprise to me. Some of the delays were holidays. One was finances after our negative result. Another was surgery and healing. And now we are ready again. At least physically and financially (almost). But emotionally I struggle. Or have been struggling I should say. My previous post I wrote about detached I feel. I feel detached from the cycle, not the embryos. I have this dread that something will go wrong and we will cancel again. Once we have the green light my hope and excitement will be in full force. I just need that green light!!!
When we were doing our IUIs we had a bagillion setbacks. The first 2 cycles were canceled due to me ovulating on the wrong side. The third I developed an infection and the donor sperm sample count was low. The next cycle was better. Then another canceled cycle to do more testing. Then another 2 failed cycles with a new donor. All negative. As you can see, I am no novice in the disappointment department. When it comes to ttc I live in a "what can go wrong will go wrong" kinda world. I don't 'want' to live there, it is just my reality. Yet each time I am knocked down and kicked yet again I brush myself off and try, try again? Why? Because it is worth it!
I pray that this cycle is a go. I pray that this ends with a baby or two. But regardless of where this ends, these are our embryos and we will see this through. We are committed to at least one more transfer. If nothing else, these embryos will meet Jesus. My heart will hurt, but they will be free. I don't want my purpose to be only to let them go, honestly, I don't. But it is a comfort to know that the four little embryos from our previous cycle are now in Heaven. That was where God wanted them. Our job was just to be a vessel to release them. Not the job I wanted, but a necessary one.
So until next Wednesday I will remain on autopilot. I will make my appointments, change my patches, and have my blood drawn. I will prepare my body for the embryos by cutting back on caffeine, taking my vitamins and relaxing. But I am not ready to officially plan my trip. Not until I get "the call". Once that happens I will be giddy with excitement. I will call and book my flight, hotel and rental car. I will notify the sitter and pack Maddie's bag for a stay with her Nana Sue. I will buy my sunscreen and travel items. And I will dream. I will dream about the embabies and their futures. And I will continue to dream and hope until the very end.