I have always been very open with our struggle to have a baby. I am not sure why, but in part it is because I hate the shame associated with it all. Now, I don't tell everyone mind you. It's not like I inform the cashier at the grocery store that my fallopian tubes are defunct or anything. But when asked if we have children or if Maddie is our first baby I do share a bit. I usually answer that Maddie is our first and is our miracle baby. I will leave it at that unless they ask. This is my way of allowing others to not only learn about infertility but to share their struggles as well. Nine times out of ten the person will either ask about our struggle, share their own struggles or mention a friend or family member that has experienced infertility. I have even been asked for advice on how they can show their support to someone that is struggling. I feel that by being open I am doing my part to remove the shame of infertility.
Even with my level of openness I do realize that it is not for everyone. I have a good friend in the middle of her first IVF cycle and she has told no one but hubby and I and her parents. And her parents only out of necessity. This works for her and is where she is at in her life right now. I support that!! But I do sense the shame that she feels and think that is the reason for her hesitation. That is the part that hurts me. It hurts me for her. Diabetics to not live in shame. Cancer patients are not looked down upon. Why then is infertility different? Why is it that people will sympathize if I say that I have endometriosis but not have compassion on the infertility part? Why is a man emasculated for having sperm issues but made to feel macho if he gets a woman pregnant after a one night stand? Why does society place such an importance procreation? And it is not just procreation, but the ABILITY to do so? If you CHOOSE not to have children then that is fine, but the inability to have them is perceived differently. Why is that? I think that it is because that we, infertiles, have allowed it to be this way. I have come to realize that our country is a long way from understanding infertility and the emotional toll that it takes. I also realize that there is little that I can do about it. But the little that I do and the little that you do will add up to a lot. Maybe when Maddie is an adult infertility will be viewed differently. I pray that she never experiences what I have gone through, but if she does, I pray that she has the support of those around her to get her through it.
For me, a lot of the hesitation I feel about talking about it is how personal I perceive the whole situation to be. I desperately want to talk to people about it, yet I feel uncomfortable with people knowing about any branch of our sex life. lol I blog a lot more openly than I talk to most people in actual life. When I realize an IRL person has read it, it makes me like, "Oh great, so and so at church knows about Nick's lowish sperm count and the fact that we're having a lot of sex right now to try and conceive against medical advice. Spectacular." haha Anyway, much like you, I hope, in the future, that people will be able to be more open in their struggles.
ReplyDeleteYou are a rock star Jess. Your attitude is really inspiring. I agree with you that the only way public perception about infertility will change is when we all start talking about it. openly and honestly. I know that in my head, but reconciling that with my heart has been hard. I think I spent the first year after our diagnosis in shock, feeling very much like my life was not mine anymore. and then slowly I regained sense of control and even more slowly found my voice again (thanks in large part to this blogging community).
ReplyDeleteI've found it much easier now to share generally that we've struggled for a long time as I announce our pregnancy. It feels safer somehow to talk about it now that we are actually pregnant. I still feel like the details of how we got here are no ones business, mostly because I fear it coming back to my child in a hurtful way, but Ido have faith that my newfound voice will continue to evolve.
Thanks for being such an inspiration!
I agree with you. I feel like I should have some invisible tattoo on my head that only infertiles can see so they know that I've struggled too. That I'm someone who understands and may be able to give them so hope or help or inspiration, but if nothing else, prayer. I feel like your blog and the blogs of so many other strong women that I've found have been a way to speak out and as long as we continue to do that we're starting to change how our society views infertility and let others know they're not alone. Keep up the good work! You're an inspiration!
ReplyDeleteI'm like you that I have always been really open to talking about IF when someone shows a real interest in talking about it. I've made some real connections with other women who I would not have otherwise even spoken with.
ReplyDeleteI think the reason most infertiles don't want to talk about their situation is because of all the assvice and dumb comments thrown their way. Unless you have experienced infertility yourself, it's hard to the know the right thing to say or do. There's not as much awareness of infertility as there could be. It's a medical condition that some people think you brought on yourself because "you waited too long" or put your career ahead of having a family.
ReplyDeleteMost times I've every broached the subject, I've gotten a lot of blank stares or people change the subject. It's such a personal, sensitive issue. You wanted it to be a decision between you and your partner, not you, your church, your family, your neighbours and a team of doctors.
Right on! I like you would rather live a transparent life than struggle to lie about why we don't have kids and why I have to miss so many days of work, etc. It makes me mad that some people at work have actually felt shame for me and told me that I should tell as few people as possible. Can you believe that??? Would you tell a cancer patient that? I don't preach my IF but I am transparent about it when people pry. I am right there with you!
ReplyDeleteI love this post...you write it so eloquently. Psst...I am giving you an award! Happy ICLW!
ReplyDeleteHi! I completely share your attitude versus IF and I am very open too. Like you I want to do my bit to remove the layer of secrecy from infertility. And like you, 9 out of 10 people I talk to, ask more, share their bit, want advice. I feel so good when that happens. On the reason why it's still so differently viewed by society I'm not sure, but I think that as there is an expectation for a couple to procreate, when this doesn't happen there is a feeling of failure. IF is not seen as a disease by many and so it's much more difficult to come out and talk about it.
ReplyDeleteLove Fran
oh, by the way, happy ICLW too!
Krissi, if you see this please know that I am not ignoring you or the award you gave me. For some reason I can't access your blog. Can you give me a link??
ReplyDeleteI think my hesitation in talking about IF came from my expectations of the reactions of others. The few times I tried to throw it out there usually went really terribly because people don't know how to talk about it! Recently I realized that the only way they're going to learn is if I talk about it more, so I'm trying to be more vocal. I realized that while it's unlikely that things will change during my days of battling infertility, I also want the world to be different for my little girl just in case she ends up in the same situation. I just hope she never does. Congratulations on your little one, she's beautiful!
ReplyDeleteICLW #117
I am very open about my infertility, but I only told my close family and a few close friends when I went through IVF.
ReplyDeleteThe biggest reason is if I didnt get pregnant I didnt want to hear " Are you pregnant?" and having to explain to everyone that no I am not pregnant when I would be hurting. Thankfully it did work,but if if I go through it again it will only be a few close people that will know.