Why do we choose to fight?

Many things in this world are a fight. Some more than others. When someone fights for a good education, we praise them for their hard work. When someone fights for our freedom, we praise them for their sacrifice. When someone fights for justice, we praise them for their perseverance. But when an infertile fights to have a baby the accolades and praise are few and far between, if they even exist. We are often looked upon as crazy or even going against God's will. Maybe because freedom, justice and education are rarely ever just handed to us whereas a baby is when a couple is fertile. Even dogs, cats, cows and elephants have babies. There is no mystery to it, no struggle involved and can even be fun to create. Unless you are struggling with infertility. Maybe that is why our fight, our struggle is not always recognized.

So why do we do it then? To have what our friends have? To make ourselves feel normal? To have something to complain about? The tax deduction? No, we do it or that first kick. The first smile. The first I love You. We do it because even though our reproductive organs may not work, our heart still does. We have that same primal instinct to procreate as each and every other human and even animal. We fight for chance to feel that unconditional love from a tiny human being, whether from our womb or not. We fight leave a part of ourselves behind in the next generation.

This morning Maddie bumped my head with her head and she said "I sowwy, Mommy." Then she kissed me. THAT is what I fought for. And that is why I continue to fight for another child. It may not happen and there may come a time when the fight is over, but I will know that I gave it my all. And no matter what, it is worth the fight.

Maddie has "bugs"

There is nothing more fun in the world than a 2 year old. They are hilarious!!! Their perception of the world around them is interesting and often funny. The other day she woke up and her hands were asleep. This was new to her and she had no clue what was wrong, just that it felt bad. She started saying "Mommy, it hurs, it hurs. Bugs, mommy! Bugs evweywhere. Call da doctah! Call da doctah!" She thought that bugs were biting her and there was no way to explain it was just tingly and numb and would be fine in a minute. Poor kid! But it was funny!!!

Now she thinks that when something 'hurs' (hurts) that bugs are biting her. Tonight she was taking a bath and her hoonie hurt. Yes, I am one of those parents that use cutesy names for body parts and we call her vagina her hoonie. She told me it was hurting and insisted that I kiss it. Really?? I told her no, that I wasn't kissing it and she laughed and said "Yes, mommy, kiss it." So I kissed my hand and transferred it to her. Crazy kid! Well that didn't take the pain away so she started telling me that there was a bug in there. She got out of the tub and we put some diaper cream on her. She proclaimed the bugs "all gone!" and ran out to tell her daddy that the "hoonie bugs all gone!". Now I just hope that she doesn't ask random strangers if they have "hoonie bugs"!!! Toddlers are crazy!

some days are harder

I have been doing pretty well with my failed cycle. Life has been so crazy busy that I have had little time to even think about it. But now that hubby is out of the hospital and home and life has resumed it's normal hectic pace it is hitting me. Part of the problem is that I cycled around the same time as several other wonderful EA ladies and all but one has gotten pregnant. I can honestly say that I am 100% thrilled for them and prayed for their success, but I am also hurting for what could have been. I see their due dates on tickers or siggies and I think of what would have been my due date. Had we had twins it would have been the end of September and a singleton in mid October. I see those dates and I think about how far along I would be now. How I would have felt. How we would have told people. Instead I have to keep answering "No, it didn't work. Not this time. Praying next time is a success." and have to watch people's expressions change from hopeful to pitiful. I appreciate the sadness from them though as it says that they not only care but that they acknowledge my loss.

Another thing that bothers me is that I won't have a baby in 2013. That was my year. I knew it was! I also wanted to conceive and have the baby in the same calendar year for insurance and tax reasons, but that is not to be. And I wanted to have the next baby near my 36th birthday, not my 37th. But it is not to be. And of course there are those thoughts of what if it doesn't work next time? Will I be almost 40 when it does? If it does.

Today will be my day of wondering. I will allow myself that. But my tomorrows will be days of planning for the future. I need to get a separate bank account set up for our baby fund. Generally we use our savings and then transfer it as needed. It would be easier to just have an account for it with a debit card. Less hassle. So I will do that this week. Our goal is to have a May transfer but that may change depending on hubby's recovery. Internally he is doing well and the infection is clearing up. His leg is a different story and it will be a long road to recovery. I pray that it is no longer than 2 months, but if it is I cannot travel until he is better. His leg requires care that he is unable to give due to the massive size of the lymphedema. He also starts going to therapy 5x a week now. Please pray for his recovery. And his weight loss. He is trying so hard but with his inability to walk very much (or wear pant any length of time) he is pretty much sedentary right now. He is working with a nutritionist to help with learning what to eat and he hopes for results from that, though they will be slow for now. If our insurance paid for gastric bypass he would have that done, but they do not. He is in this vicious cycle that he cannot get out of due to his leg and he is getting frustrated. Since his infections have started in 2000 he has put on so much weight and it saddens me to see him work so hard with little results. Lymphedema is a horrible, horrible condition that people know so little about. But this is a season in our lives and it too shall pass.

He is coming home!

On Wednesday the dr told us that he would possibly consider letting hubby come home this weekend. Maybe. If you read my last update we were not happy with this at all. Then that night they started him on 2 more antibiotics. This is hubby's 12th round of cellulitis so he has had so many antibiotics. Too many. And he is allergic to 3 of them so we avoid any unnecessary antibiotics. These were given even though his white blood cell count was normal, he was having no trouble with the current med and he had no fever. The dr was still using his ear temp as just cause. So on Thursday I called the insurance company to ask how leaving AMA would affect us and she assured us (and verified with her supervisor) that they would pay the claim no matter what. Whew!

This was a last resort for us as we really wanted him to be discharged by the dr, but since said dr was being unreasonable we needed to know our options. Next I called the patient advocate and explained my concern. She asked what I wanted and I told her two things: A second opinions and for the dr to request hubby's previous records before making a decision. His condition is chronic and there is no reason to redo the previous testing (especially 2-3x) when the results are coming back the same. So she called hubby to see if he, as the patient, agreed. Then she called the dr's supervisor. Not sure what was said but she later called hubby to say that he could not have a second opinion. I don't know if it was because of the snow storm and another dr was not available or what, but I was furious. But before I could call her back the dr came in and said that hubby was doing so well he could go home on Friday. I am irritated that he made us go through all of that, but glad he is releasing him.

To answer Barb's question, we did consider another facility but we would have had to pay $200 (on top of the $1000 we owe here) for them to send him home. He has redness on his leg but nothing else so they would not admit him.

So he will be home this afternoon! YAY!!!! I am so happy to have him home. He will have a few weeks of recovery still but it will be easier at home. Thank you for the prayers and advice!

losing my patience....and my mind!

So hubby is STILL in the hospital (with cellulitis on lymphedema). His white blood cell count is back to normal. The issue is that his doctor is being a total douche. Yes, I called him a douche. It was the nicest mean thing I could think of right now. Hubby was admitted with a fever orally of 99.5 and in the ear of 103.5. Since he had chills, was achy and was hot to the touch the 103 sounded right. Well his wbc is back to normal but the dr is concerned about his 'fever'. Hubby feels fine, is no longer warm and orally is 98.4. The issue is that it is 101 in one ear and 100 in the other. Obviously he does not have a temp but the dr refuses to believe that. Also, lymphedema is a condition that many doctors are not very familiar with. Cellulitis is common and hubby has been battling this for 13 years. He has had 21 bouts of it, seen 3-4 surgeons, had an MRI, u/s and biopsy. It is a really bad case of lymphedema that causes a really bad case of cellulitis. Period. End of story. He has medical records at a different hospital, has an infectious disease dr that is familiar with is case, and is in decongestive therapy specifically designed for lymphedema right there at this hospital. Yet this dr wants to have the mass removed surgically. IT CAN"T BE DONE! Well, it can, but it will remove more lymph nodes thereby making the problems worse. We have explained this and even given him the information and doctors names yet he ignores us. Also, he wants the redness to be gone before he releases him. It takes 2-3 WEEKS before that happens! So he will have to sit there for WEEKS because this dr is a total fruit loop?? I completely get medical malpractice and the dr wanting to cover his butt, but this is ridiculous!

So tomorrow I have to call the insurance company and ask what repercussions there will be, if any, if hubby checks out against medical advice. I am also going to call the previous infectious disease specialist to see if they have privileges at this hospital and is so, can they see him. And I am calling the patient advocate for help as well. If hubby needs to be there, fine. We both want him healthy. But if he is fine to come home, then let him. The earliest the douchy fruit loop dr will consider releasing his is Friday and even then he acted like it was a long shot.

Please pray that we can get some answers and get him home!!

Some good news and some not so good news

Let's get the not so good news out of the way: Hubby is still in the hospital. He was supposed to come home today but his fever spiked again and they are now running more tests and cultures. His white blood cell count is almost back to normal but he needs to be fever free for 24 hours before they release him. I am so ready for him to be home!!

Now the good news: I finally scheduled my post-IVF consult and it is tomorrow. I will discuss with the RE a plan for the next FET. And the really, really, so very good news is that our next FET will only cost.....drum roll please! $1000. Yep, one thousand dollars. This is their normal FET fee for their IVF patients and since we chose a batch of embryos with enough for more than one try we now only pay their regular FET fee. Well, the regular fee is $1400 but only $1000 if you do the monitoring locally. This means that we may be able to do the next FET in April or May.

Next time I will fly there, get a shuttle to the hotel and then a cab to the clinic. So we need to come up with the $1000 cycle fee, $265 for the u/s, about $150-200 for the hotel, $350-400 for the flight and then $100 for cab and food. I plan to stay close to the clinic as to not pay a lot on cab fare. So all in all about $2000. We have about $200 put aside already but have to raise the rest. We will get a little bit back in taxes and we will add that to it as well. I am having a yard sale next month and hope for about $200 from that. The first $100 won't be too hard, but we will need to get creative for the rest. We can put some on a credit card, but we really don't want to be left with any debt once this is over. I would hate to still be paying off our last cycle and not be pregnant. It is not the worst thing in the world, I know, but something we really don't want to do.

So now to get moving and start saving!!! Any and all fundraising ideas are appreciated! :)

I am in Job-ville

Okay, so things are not as bad as it was for Job, but we are having a rash of bad luck. On Saturday night I had a much needed girls night out with a friend of mine. Hubby took Maddie over to their house and helped her hubby watch their kids. When my friend and I returned to her house my hubby was covered up and shivering. We thought for sure that he had the yucky, icky, nasty virus that Maddie and I had last week. We went home and he tried to rest. The next morning I went to church and when I returned he asked me to check his leg. He has a very large lymphodema and and has a history of cellulitis on it. The last two times he had it he almost died so it was very scary. When I checked his leg it showed all of the signs of infection so we headed to the ER which is where he is currently. Thankfully is nowhere as sick as he was the last time.

Please pray that he is better soon and can come home. Trying to care for Maddie, watch the 3 girls I babysit and travel back and forth to the hospital is very draining on me. If he can come home it would make it a lot easier for all of us.