Beta Day!!!

Today was beta day and the nurse called to tell me that I am officially pregnant!! My beta was 55. Next beta is on Tuesday, then u/s in about 2 weeks. I will feel much better once we get past all of this part. But I am super excited!! I can't believe that I am pregnant!!!

I am feeling pretty well. I do have these insane hormonal surges. I will get insanely crabby and a hot flash. It doesn't last long, but it is really awful while it is happening. My boobs hurt and I am tired, but all in all I feel fine.

Tomorrow is Maddie's birthday party. It was a pain to plan because I had to know when I was going to FL before we could set a date. Once I knew that we decided on August 31 to give me a week after my trip to recover. We have had the mildest August weather ever so we planned an outside party at a park. I rented the pavillion, hired a princess (Cinderella) to make an appearance, and got everything ready. Then last week a heat wave started. And it ends Sunday. The day AFTER her party. Tomorrow is supposed to be 98 degrees with a heat index over 105. Lovely. Just lovely! I can't reschedule and there is no place affordable or available to move it to. So we will suck it up and just do it, but do it quickly. I will take it easy and though it won't be everything I had hoped it would be, it will still be fun. But what crappy weather! And with my hot flashes it should be really fun.

My Greater......

There is no doubt about this one. No squinting. No wondering. A real positive. I took another 2 line FRER yesterday morning and it was still light so I was nervous. I went out and bought this digital and did the potty dance for 4 hours waiting to take it. It came up pretty quickly and it was beautiful to see!! Because my transfer was in the afternoon this test was taken at the beginning of 6dp5dt. I got my first positive a full day earlier than I did with Maddie. I was honestly prepared for negatives until at least tomorrow, if not a negative beta as well. I was so shocked that this worked!!!

I am feeling pretty well. I am starving all of the time and have hot flashes from time to time. Food tastes different and my nose is stuffy (same as with Maddie). And I am more tired than usual, but not too bad. I have my beta tomorrow and will be glad to hear my number. When I got pregnant with Maddie I was naive. I thought that since we had made it that far that things would be fine and they were. In January I thought for sure that we would get pregnant again and life would be dandy. But it wasn't. And in the past year I have watched many others get BFN's, experience miscarriages and even have no embryos on the day of transfer. No matter how hard we try there is no guarantee. But regardless of what happens the baby(s) that I am carrying right now are mine. I love them. And I will enjoy every single moment, no matter how long or how short. I just pray that I have many, many, many years with them!!!

A faint positive is still a positive, right?!?!?

This was this afternoon. There was a faint line within 3 minutes and within 10 minutes it looked like this. A definite line.  A positive. And we are in shock. And over the moon happy. Praying that the line gets darker and for a good beta on Friday.

to test, or not to test....

Who am I kidding, I will test. I can't help it. Just the thoughts of it of waiting until Friday and hearing bad news from a nurse would just kill me. I would much rather be prepared if it is negative. And Maddie's birthday party is Saturday and we have company coming over to stay. I need to be past this and able to focus on her. Now this does not mean that I am not hoping for BFP,  I am, but I also know that life doesn't always work out the way we hope.

One minute I am so sure that it worked this time. So many things are similar to when I was pregnant with Maddie. I have had a day of extreme crabbiness. I was at the grocery and I wanted to run a woman over with my grocery cart. As soon as the thought crossed my mind I laughed because I thought the exact same thing before. Also, I have noticed that I am stuffy (same as with Maddie) and sweet foods taste super sweet too (again, same as before). Some of this can be explained by PIO and others from a cold. Or it could be pregnancy. Who knows. But it makes me think positively. I even woke up from a dream of getting a BFP only to fall back asleep and dream again. And again. I did this 3-4 times.

Then I have moments of knowing that this going to be negative. I begin planning our next cycle, worrying about how we will pay for it. I do try to avoid dwelling on these thoughts, but it is tough.

I tested this morning and it was a BFN. Today is 5dp5dt, but my transfer was in the afternoon, so it is not quite 5 days yet. More like 4 1/2 which is very, very early. And the test was a generic store brand that I can't find how sensitive it is either. Today I will buy some FRER and will test again tomorrow.

For now I am going to go nap. Oh, wait, I can't. It is 7:30 am and even though I slept over 7 hours I am exhausted!!! Maybe the PIO? Or maybe pregnancy??? Hmmmmm.....only time will tell. 

Introducing.....

Meet the embryos!! Just below the plus sign is a dot? See it? That is the embryos! They transferred two expanding blasts. All went well and the trip was a great one. I went to the beach yesterday and had crab legs while looking at the ocean. Then I had a massage this morning before the transfer. All in all a relaxing few days and hopefully I will bring home a souvenir. Or two. ;-)

PIO...what am I doing wrong?

My hiney hurts, peeps! I am only 3 shots in and wowzer, I am feeling it. I did PIO in sesame oil back when I was pregnant with Maddie. I only lasted 2 weeks as I ended up being allergic. This time I am using PIO in cottonseed oil and the oil seems thinner and the shots are a breeze. But every single one leaves a knot. Every. single. one! I never had a knot with the other one. And I didn't do anything special. Just filled it up and shot it in. I even used the larger gauged needle as I didn't really feel it. This time I use the larger to fill and thinner to inject and I can't feel it at all which is awesome. But the knots! Ohm, the knots!!!! I double my amount today too so I am skeered that it will really leave a knot.

So what do I do?? Ice the spot? Rub my bum? Heat?? Help!!!! My poor bum is begging for help.

Planning, packing and PIO

I can't believe it, I leave on Wednesday. Wednesday! Wow that is just a few days away. Between now and then I have a lot of packing and planning to do. Maddie is staying with a family friend (at night, during the days with her dad). I need to pack her stuff as she is going there on Tuesday night. I have most of my shopping done and know what I am packing. A friend is coming over to watch my babysitting kids so I have to plan that too.

We are still $250 short for the transfer. My flight was $120 more than we had hoped. And the PIO was an unexpected $120 for 2 weeks. We will most likely have to dip into savings but that is okay. Not my first choice, but we can live with it. And there are still 3 days left before I leave. You never know how God might bless.

Oh, and the PIO. Ouch! I forgot how uncomfortable it is. The actual injection is not bad, but the soreness afterward is not fun. I am doing them on my left side right now since hubby is here to give them to me. I am right handed and don't have a great range of motion in my neck to turn left so I can only of the right side. I am saving that side of my hiney for FL when I have to do them myself.

In just a few days I will be lounging on the beach (if it doesn't rain) and the next day meeting our embies. Not much longer now!!!!

Embryo Adoption....getting started

Once you decide to begin researching embryo adoption/donation the next question is "Where do I start?". One of the most challenging aspects of EDA is that there is no central place to begin. No one place with a compilation of resources (that is not run by a program). I am working on starting a website just for this, but until now I will post this to help those beginning the journey.

First things first. You have to decide whether you want to do embryo adoption or embryo donation. This may give you pause because many do not realize that there is a difference. But there is. Most people use the term Embryo Adoption (EA) as it is easier to understand, but there is a difference between the two. EA is when you go through an agency and have a home study. Legally there is no such thing as 'adopting' an embryo, however the process is similar. EA can be an open, semi-open or closed/anonymous 'adoption'.  ED is when you either go through a clinic or find a match on your own (and even this one can be more EA than ED if a home study is required).  Rarely is ED through a clinic anything other than anonymous.

There are pros and cons to both routes. With EA you have the option of knowing the donor couple and having a relationship, however the process is longer and more expensive. With ED is only anonymous (with a few exceptions) and the wait can be longer, but it is typically less expensive.

Once you decide which route to go you can begin researching specific clinics and programs. If you choose EA the most popular programs are Snowflakes, NEDC, Embryos Alive, and Cedar Park. They all require a home study (Embryos Alive will accept a dossier or a home study). The NEDC requires you to travel to their clinic for the transfer, the others ship the embryos to your clinic. The fees for the home study, shipping, and transfer will vary, but average $6000-$8000.

If you choose ED through an anonymous clinic program you will need to find one that offers this service. This can be difficult to find but with a bit of work you can find many options. You can start by calling clinics near your. Also, there is a link at the top with a list of some of them. This site has a list as well: Clinics. No home study is required though some require a psych evaluation. The average wait time is about a year and the fees again vary greatly, with most in the $5000 range. Some can be as low as $3000 and other up to $9000. If you are willing to travel you can sometimes find programs with lower fees even with travel.

Another option is to find embryos yourself and either travel to the donor's clinic or have them shipped to you. Some spread the word on blogs, forums and other sites. Miracles Waiting is a great site to find a match. Recipients pay a one time $150 fee to join. By choosing this route you can save quite a bit of money and still have an open donation. However, your wait time can be much longer (but not always) and you have to do all of the work yourself (legal paperwork, shipping, etc).

And lastly, there is the option of double donor. California Conceptions uses donor sperm and donor eggs and their success rates are some of the highest out there. The offer up to 3 cycles for around $12,000. The downside is that if you get pregnant the first try it is quite expensive. But you are pregnant so that matters little if you can afford it. The upside is that if you don't get pregnant you get another try (or 2) for that price which is lower than you would pay for 3 tries at most other clinics. They do not offer a single transfer price either. I am not as familiar with this program but this site is a wealth of information: CC.

There are other programs and clinics available, but this is information will get you started.

Had my lining scan today and..............

Everything is great!! We can proceed!! WOO HOO!!!!! I am so excited! I have booked the flight, hotel and rental car. The only thing left is to order my progesterone. I was supposed to do Endometrin but he has been using PIO in cottonseed oil and has had better pregnancy rates with it. So I am needing to order this now. An added expense but I am willing to do it if it could help. I am praying that insurance covers it. And if anyone has any to sell for cheap please let me know!

I fly out next Wednesday, the 21st and my transfer is Thursday. This is really happening!!!!

Not detached yet not fully excited....but almost!

This is my 4th attempt at a transfer. The 4th in a year. For someone that has regular cycles this was a surprise to me. Some of the delays were holidays. One was finances after our negative result. Another was surgery and healing. And now we are ready again. At least physically and financially (almost). But emotionally I struggle. Or have been struggling I should say. My previous post I wrote about detached I feel. I feel detached from the cycle, not the embryos. I have this dread that something will go wrong and we will cancel again. Once we have the green light my hope and excitement will be in full force. I just need that green light!!!

When we were doing our IUIs we had a bagillion setbacks. The first 2 cycles were canceled due to me ovulating on the wrong side. The third I developed an infection and the donor sperm sample count was low. The next cycle was better. Then another canceled cycle to do more testing. Then another 2 failed cycles with a new donor. All negative. As you can see, I am no novice in the disappointment department. When it comes to ttc I live in a "what can go wrong will go wrong" kinda world. I don't 'want' to live there, it is just my reality. Yet each time I am knocked down and kicked yet again I brush myself off and try, try again? Why? Because it is worth it!

I pray that this cycle is a go. I pray that this ends with a baby or two. But regardless of where this ends, these are our embryos and we will see this through. We are committed to at least one more transfer. If nothing else, these embryos will meet Jesus. My heart will hurt, but they will be free. I don't want my purpose to be only to let them go, honestly, I don't. But it is a comfort to know that the four little embryos from our previous cycle are now in Heaven. That was where God wanted them. Our job was just to be a vessel to release them. Not the job I wanted, but a necessary one.

So until next Wednesday I will remain on autopilot. I will make my appointments, change my patches, and have my blood drawn. I will prepare my body for the embryos by cutting back on caffeine, taking my vitamins and relaxing. But I am not ready to officially plan my trip. Not until I get "the call". Once that happens I will be giddy with excitement. I will call and book my flight, hotel and rental car. I will notify the sitter and pack Maddie's bag for a stay with her Nana Sue. I will buy my sunscreen and travel items. And I will dream. I will dream about the embabies and their futures. And I will continue to dream and hope until the very end.

Just not feeling it this time

I am finally beginning my cycle. I am on CD3 and my lining scan is next Wednesday. If that goes well then we will choose my transfer date and I will book my flight, hotel and rental car. Yet in the midst of it all I am feeling so blase. Usually I anticipate starting my meds and begin looking at flights and planning what to pack. This time I keep forgetting my meds and have not even thought about travel arrangements. The canceled cycles and failed cycle are just too fresh still. My heart is guarded thinking that it won't happen this time either. Yet it just might happen. I hate feeling this way. I am sure that once I get the green light things will change but until then I will just continue as is.

I am still trying to raise the last $200. I am posting some things for sale today online. I have procrastinated on this as well for the same reasons. I am also someone that works better under pressure.

So here we go. Again. Maybe.

Storage fees

In August of 2012 I had my first consult with my current clinic. Shortly after we chose our batch of embryos and paid the reservation fee which included $400 storage fee. Our plan (that word always makes me roll my eyes) was to use some of the embryos in October, have a baby in 2013 and then pay the storage fee on the remaining embryos for us to use in a year or so. But that 'plan' did not go, well, as planned.

We are on our 4th attempt (2 canceled and one unsuccessful) and I received a bill in the mail today for the storage fees. How did we get here? How did we find ourselves with still no baby and owing even more money? I hated to tell hubby but he surprised me with an "okay, we will just have to pay it". But we won't pay it until after this next transfer. We have 4 embryos and there is a chance that we will use all 4 this time (if one or more does not survive the thaw). My first instinct was to not pay it if we get a bfp. But then I thought about the what if's. What if we have a miscarriage? What if we want to try for another baby next year? If we start over with new embryos our price goes from $1100 to $3400. That is a BIG difference. But I was still irritated with it all until I remembered something I had read recently. Someone on a forum said (about an unplanned pregnancy but it still applies) "never make child bearing decisions on the here and now, but on what you want your Thanksgiving table to look like in 20 years". For the infertile this is not always in our control. Sometimes we do everything that we possibly can and still never bring home a baby. But if I allow the here and now of the financial strain and irritation determine my future I will look back and regret it. If we pay it and keep trying and still get a no, then at least I will know that we gave it our all.

But I still don't like it. Just sayin'.