Needing some closure....maybe

Can I just be honest and share my heart for minute? I am struggling right now. A lot. We actively began trying for baby number two in October. Had the cycle not been canceled and I gotten pregnant I would be due right about now. Maddie would have a sibling and we could close this chapter of our life. But that was not to be. Then we finally did get to have the transfer and it was negative. And then another canceled one. I feel like this past year has completely revolved around all of this. We spent the years 2000-2004 trying to adopt. Then 2005-2009 trying treatments which ultimately worked. And now another year gone. Sacrificed for infertility. I am over it. So very over it all!!! But I am not yet ready to give up.

In the past 6 months 5 women at church gave birth. And three more just announced that they were pregnant. But I am not one of them. I thought that I would have been by now, but I am not. I am the only woman of child bearing age that has not had a child int he past year. And I don't think that I am exaggerating either.

I am finishing up AF for July and in 4 weeks I will begin my estrogen. And then about 3 weeks later I will travel. God has been blessing us financially in that the airline waived the $200 rebooking fee and my last u/s was covered (I had to pay half due to my deductible) and I have a $130 credit to my account. And my next one may be covered which will mean a refund of that credit and no more money due to that clinic. This leaves us with $300 to raise instead of $700. This is great and I see things falling into place. But they fell into place last time too. And it was still a negative. Even after I prayed and begged God to cancel that cycle if I was not going to be pregnant from it. I know there is a reason for it all, I just cannot see or understand it all.

I am ready to have this next cycle done and over with. Either I will be pregnant or I will return to work. If we have the two remaining embryos we will keep them until next year and proceed at that time. Hopefully then I will have a job and an FSA to help pay for the next FET. I want to move forward. I NEED to move forward. I need closure. Yet I don't want to give up either. I have a "Big Sister" shirt for Maddie but it is a size 3T. I had envisioned her wearing it, but she is now in a size 4T and the shirt is too small. I can't help but wonder if that is a sign. And what if this cycle is canceled? Do I take that as a sign? I just wish that there was some sort of guidebook for all of this. A text or something from God to tell me what to do. But there isn't. So until I have clear direction I will press forward. And hopefully 2 pink lines will be my destination.