In 2009 I got pregnant with my daughter, Maddie. It was my first ever BFP. Ever. It took 11 years to finally see those 2 lines and it was amazing! I remember shaking while holding the test. That positive test was a culmination of 11 years of tests, treatments and failures. I honestly never thought that it would happen. When it finally did I was so naive and thought that God wouldn't allow us to get that far and take it away. And He didn't. Not that I was exempt, I was just very fortunate that His will included us having Maddie.
Fast forward to 2012. We began getting ready for baby number two. It took us about a year to find embryos but once we did, God would give us a baby, right? Then my cycle was canceled. Whoa! How did that happen? It wasn't supposed to be that way. Then I was to start my period in 4-5 days so that we could try again before the holidays. After 43 days she finally showed and it was too late, we had to wait until January. And then after the trip from hell, it was negative. What the crap??? I had begged God not to allow me to go if it wasn't going to work. Why had we wasted the money for nothing?
Between that cycle and now I watched several others have canceled cycles, negative, chemicals and miscarriages. It just seemed so unfair. These women deserved a chance at being a mom. I deserve the chance for another. Why did it have to be so hard? Between my issues and watching all of the struggles from others I feel like Eve in the Garden after she the fruit. No longer innocent. I know it sounds odd to say that even after 14+ years of infertility that I had even a shred of innocence left, but I did. Somehow I thought that after all we (and others) had been through that we would finally get our miracles. But that is not always to be.
So while I am insanely happy for the little one that I am carrying right now, I am struggling to remain optimistic. I pray daily for his/her safety and that God will allow us to bring this baby home. But I 'know' the truth, that anything can happen. Regardless of what may or may not happen we are determined to enjoy every minute that we have with this little one. I just wish that I had some of that innocence back so that I could be blissfully unaware of the dangers.