scarred by infertility

Today was a good day, yet the scars of infertility were present. Some physically, others emotionally. My incision has yet to heal completely. Today it began to bleed a bit. I am on antibiotics and it is getting better, just not finished healing. As I was cleaning it today I noticed all of the scars around it. I have had 3 laps and all have left a mark. Its a good thing my body is not bikini friendly or I would be really upset about these scars. ;)

Today I finished going through baby clothes. I allowed myself to keep one box of items. The rest I will give away or sell. It was so hard saying goodbye to them. Each article of clothing had a memory. Her first Christmas. Birthday outfits. Those worn in professional photos. So many memories!!! I kept those that I want her to have one day and those that I still love in case we have another baby girl next year. I am glad to have this job finished. It was a bit traumatic.

One other thing today that I experienced. I was shaving my legs and Maddie asked to do it too. Typically a mother would say "No, shaving is for mommies.". But I can't say those words. I shaved before I was a mommy. What if I say this to her and she sees someone shaving that is infertile and says something like "Why are you shaving? You're not a mommy.". I know, I am reaching here and most likely this would never happen. But what if it did? I do the same thing when telling her why she can't wear make-up or why she can't cook or drive. Or whatever else she wants to do way before her time. I was hurt by the innocent words of children and the thoughts that my child could accidentally hurt a woman already suffering just pains be. It is crazy how infertility shapes and scars us.

Now on a lighter note, here is a funny from Maddie. This morning she put on a pair of my high heeled shoes and said: "Mommy! Dreams do come true!!". I heart that kid!!!!