Maddie was from an anonymous donation and there are no embryos left. When we ttc for baby #2 we have to start over with a new clinic and new embryos. While I wish that Maddie would have a genetic sibling I am am at peace that it is not to be. However, I wonder what the next one will be like. Now, I know that I am biased, but let's be honest: Maddie is freaking adorable!!! And I can say this because it has nothing to do with me. She also has a pleasant disposition and a great personality. She has gorgeous hair and a perfect little mouth. What if baby #2 is, well, ugly? Or a whiny, crying, clingy baby that no one likes? Of course we all want beautiful babies with great dispositions, but that is not a concern for me personally. I will love any baby no matter what. But I have to say that I hate the thoughts of others comparing the two children and the second one falling short. And to say that won't happen is a lie. It happens all of the time. People are cruel. My own sister was the whiny, stringy haired, bratty little girl that no one liked. I was a chubby, curly haired, sweet little cherub that everyone adored. (A bit of a stretch, but you get the idea ;-) I remember people saying to my sister "Maybe you will be as pretty as Jessie when you grow up." It hurt to hear these things. It was cruel!! And my sister turned out gorgeous! She is a tall, leggy, thin blond while I an a short, rotund, brunette. SO take that, meanies!!!
I know that I can't control how my children, genetic or not, look or act, but I do think about it. I don't necessarily worry about though. Just think about it. Do you ever think bout this? Did you deal with this in your own family? Is it silly?? Or just a natural part of motherhood?
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Saturday, July 30, 2011
My new ED/A blog
I have decided to start a new blog just for ED/A. This blog will remain my personal blog but the new one will be just for ED/A. It will have the same resource pages that are on here but it will also contain success stories and other ED/A info as well. There are so few ED/A blogs that are just about the subject and not trying to persuade you to use a specific clinic or program, or about a person's life in general. So this blog will be just that. For everyone involved in ED/A and allow for us to help each other navigate this journey.
If you are considering ED/A, in the process, completed the process or are a donor parent please stop by!!
Dreaming of Conceiving
If you are considering ED/A, in the process, completed the process or are a donor parent please stop by!!
Dreaming of Conceiving
by request: Cloth Diapering update
This marks month 9 of CDing for us. I am what I would call a casual/serious CD-er. I use cloth about 75% of the time. I prefer sposies when running errands and overnight. On our recent trip out of town we used sposies as well as it was easier. But at home and at church we use cloth and I can honestly prefer cloth. Here is what I like about them:
*Cost. I love not having to buy and throw diapers away. On average I spend about $10 a month on sposies for out and about. Last week I spent $25 for just the one week (with coupons) and it felt like I was throwing money away. I even used coupons and it was still expensive for diapers and wipes.
*No chemicals. On the off chance that the chemicals cause infertility it makes me feel better knowing she has limited exposure to them.
*The feel. Cloth just feels better than the ucky sposies.
*They are cute. Seriously, what is cuter than a fluffy butt??
What I don't like about cloth:
*They do wear out. I recently threw one away because the elastic and the velcro all needed to be replaced. It also had some small holes and it was not worth repairing. Now, I do buy mine second hand so that was to be expected.
*Poop removal. I don't like it. At all. I don't have a sprayer so I use a wet wipe to get up the bigger clumps and then I wash the rest. I was about every 2-3 days so it doesn't sit long. Some of the diapers do have stains but I haven't tried to sun them so they may come out.
*Having to change them every 2-3 hours. Sposies do last longer.
I will admit, cloth is not for everyone. But I do like them. They work for me and my family. My original reason for choosing cloth was because I just liked them. I also liked the thoughts of saving money, though at the time it was not my main reason. Then a few months ago we hit a really bad financial rough patch and I was so thankful to have cloth diapers. It was nice not to have to choose between diapers and groceries. Or diapers and paying bills. I didn't have to worry about coming up with money that we really did not have to buy diapers.
I would encourage anyone considering them to try them out. A friend of mine is expecting twins next year and I am going to let her borrow mine to try them out before she makes a commitment. If you are not able to borrow diapers there are ways to get them very inexpensively to try them out. I have covers and flats, AI2s, pockets and AIOs. I still love AIOs but am glad that I got to try many of them out before buying all of one kind.
If you have any CD questions please feel free to ask!!!
*Cost. I love not having to buy and throw diapers away. On average I spend about $10 a month on sposies for out and about. Last week I spent $25 for just the one week (with coupons) and it felt like I was throwing money away. I even used coupons and it was still expensive for diapers and wipes.
*No chemicals. On the off chance that the chemicals cause infertility it makes me feel better knowing she has limited exposure to them.
*The feel. Cloth just feels better than the ucky sposies.
*They are cute. Seriously, what is cuter than a fluffy butt??
What I don't like about cloth:
*They do wear out. I recently threw one away because the elastic and the velcro all needed to be replaced. It also had some small holes and it was not worth repairing. Now, I do buy mine second hand so that was to be expected.
*Poop removal. I don't like it. At all. I don't have a sprayer so I use a wet wipe to get up the bigger clumps and then I wash the rest. I was about every 2-3 days so it doesn't sit long. Some of the diapers do have stains but I haven't tried to sun them so they may come out.
*Having to change them every 2-3 hours. Sposies do last longer.
I will admit, cloth is not for everyone. But I do like them. They work for me and my family. My original reason for choosing cloth was because I just liked them. I also liked the thoughts of saving money, though at the time it was not my main reason. Then a few months ago we hit a really bad financial rough patch and I was so thankful to have cloth diapers. It was nice not to have to choose between diapers and groceries. Or diapers and paying bills. I didn't have to worry about coming up with money that we really did not have to buy diapers.
I would encourage anyone considering them to try them out. A friend of mine is expecting twins next year and I am going to let her borrow mine to try them out before she makes a commitment. If you are not able to borrow diapers there are ways to get them very inexpensively to try them out. I have covers and flats, AI2s, pockets and AIOs. I still love AIOs but am glad that I got to try many of them out before buying all of one kind.
If you have any CD questions please feel free to ask!!!
Friday, July 29, 2011
because misery loves company
I have been a horrible blogger, I know! Please forgive me!!! Life has just been crazy lately. Okay, it has been crazy for awhile now but these last 2 weeks have been the worst. Seriously, they have been.....yuck! It started with us leaving for IA for a week. Here is how it went:
*Maddie got sick almost immediately. We began nebulizer treatments trying to minimize her cough. Wednesday it got worse so I took her to the ER just to be safe. She was diagnosed with an upper respiratory infection. Her third in 4 months.
*The next day she had a fever, wasn't eating and just looked bad so I took her back. She now had an ear infection. Her 9th. In seven months. ERRRR!!! They gave her an antibiotic.,
*Went to Wal.greens to get the RX filled. IT was the wrong RX. It was written for an 88 year old man. Pharmacy called hospital to correct it and when I returned it was pills. For my 10 month old. Seriously? They fixed it and gave her liquid but I still was unsettled about it and called our pharmacy back home just to be safe.
*Friday I was up with the most awful sore throat. EVER! And I have had strep and this was way worse. Way!
*Monday arrive home to soaking wet carpet. The A/C unit in our hallway was clogged and our hallway and Maddie's room were sloshing wet. Had to call repair man.
*Monday night I go Urgent Care for the sore throat as it is not getting any better. If I did not have a cough drop in my mouth I was almost in tears. Douche bag of a doctor told me to "use lozenges" and it was a sinus infection. Like i hadn't been doing that. He gave me an antibiotic and after much whining lidocaine as well. That stuff is gold!
*Wednesday we had a friend come over to charge the A/C in our 2nd car as hubby was going out of town on Thursday and I was to drive the Buick. Car has been sitting for a few months and the battery was dead. While trying to jump start it the door closed and the doors automatically locked. With the keys inside. SO no air, no battery and now no keys.
*Thursday my BIL came over and got the doors open. He jumped the car as well. I left it running but with the door open so as not to have a repeat of the night before. I then went to move our Tahoe which was behind the Buick. While backing up I noticed that the Buick door began to close. In a panic I threw the Tahoe in park and ran to grab the Buick door, only the Tahoe was not in park. It was in reverse and the door knocked me to the ground as it rolled into the neighbors yard. As I lay in the middle of the street I see it heading straight for our neighbor's car. I jump up and run my chubby little self towards it and jump in and stop it mere inches from the car. I quickly park it praying that no one had seen me.
*I then take the Buick to get the A/C charged and it won't move. The tires are locked. It finally goes and I get the A/C charged but it didn't work. No air. At least not cold air.
*And now I have thrush.
So that is my week!!! Actually, the last two weeks. Aren't you glad that you aren't me?? Next week will be better. It has to be! I can laugh at all of this now, but sheesh! It was a crazy 2 weeks.
On the Maddie front her birthday party is coming along. She is doing well. We are seeing a chiropractor now for her ears and are also cutting out all dairy. Not as easy as it sounds, but worth a try. So that sums it all up!
*Maddie got sick almost immediately. We began nebulizer treatments trying to minimize her cough. Wednesday it got worse so I took her to the ER just to be safe. She was diagnosed with an upper respiratory infection. Her third in 4 months.
*The next day she had a fever, wasn't eating and just looked bad so I took her back. She now had an ear infection. Her 9th. In seven months. ERRRR!!! They gave her an antibiotic.,
*Went to Wal.greens to get the RX filled. IT was the wrong RX. It was written for an 88 year old man. Pharmacy called hospital to correct it and when I returned it was pills. For my 10 month old. Seriously? They fixed it and gave her liquid but I still was unsettled about it and called our pharmacy back home just to be safe.
*Friday I was up with the most awful sore throat. EVER! And I have had strep and this was way worse. Way!
*Monday arrive home to soaking wet carpet. The A/C unit in our hallway was clogged and our hallway and Maddie's room were sloshing wet. Had to call repair man.
*Monday night I go Urgent Care for the sore throat as it is not getting any better. If I did not have a cough drop in my mouth I was almost in tears. Douche bag of a doctor told me to "use lozenges" and it was a sinus infection. Like i hadn't been doing that. He gave me an antibiotic and after much whining lidocaine as well. That stuff is gold!
*Wednesday we had a friend come over to charge the A/C in our 2nd car as hubby was going out of town on Thursday and I was to drive the Buick. Car has been sitting for a few months and the battery was dead. While trying to jump start it the door closed and the doors automatically locked. With the keys inside. SO no air, no battery and now no keys.
*Thursday my BIL came over and got the doors open. He jumped the car as well. I left it running but with the door open so as not to have a repeat of the night before. I then went to move our Tahoe which was behind the Buick. While backing up I noticed that the Buick door began to close. In a panic I threw the Tahoe in park and ran to grab the Buick door, only the Tahoe was not in park. It was in reverse and the door knocked me to the ground as it rolled into the neighbors yard. As I lay in the middle of the street I see it heading straight for our neighbor's car. I jump up and run my chubby little self towards it and jump in and stop it mere inches from the car. I quickly park it praying that no one had seen me.
*I then take the Buick to get the A/C charged and it won't move. The tires are locked. It finally goes and I get the A/C charged but it didn't work. No air. At least not cold air.
*And now I have thrush.
So that is my week!!! Actually, the last two weeks. Aren't you glad that you aren't me?? Next week will be better. It has to be! I can laugh at all of this now, but sheesh! It was a crazy 2 weeks.
On the Maddie front her birthday party is coming along. She is doing well. We are seeing a chiropractor now for her ears and are also cutting out all dairy. Not as easy as it sounds, but worth a try. So that sums it all up!
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Planning her 1st Birthday!
Can you believe that Maddie's first birthday is just weeks away?? I can't! It amazes me how fast she is growing up. I am excited about her birthday party. We are keeping it low key with mainly family and a few friends. We are having it at a local park under a pavilion. We will BBQ and have some other goodies. I plan on making the decorations, the cupcakes and even her outfit which will be a tutu. Everything will be in hot pink and lime green. I think that it will be adorable and I am excited to get started. I have set myself with a personal goal to do it all for $100 (including pavilion rental) and now I am shopping for bargains. I have already found a few deals. I wanted a beverage tub in pink and Walmart had one for $9 that I got for 80 cents! I got a case of water for $2 and I have coupons for 20 free Sier.ra Mists. I also have 2 packages of hot dogs for $3 so my total so far is less than $6. Once I get things finished I will post some photos. =D
And if anyone has any ideas of places to get cheap stuff please share!
And if anyone has any ideas of places to get cheap stuff please share!
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Old habits will die hard
First, I want to take a moment to thank everyone for all of the responses to my last post. The prayers and the support as we told Dudley goodbye were appreciated.
And yes, Dudley is gone. He went peacefully at 5:30 last night. And it was one of the most difficult things that I have ever had to do. It was as bad as letting Abbie go (failed adoption). When I had to sign the form to authorize him to put him to sleep I started to cry. When he gave him the first shot, a tranquilizer, I wanted shout STOP!! I wanted to grab Dudley and run out of there, but I made myself stay. To do the right thing. And the right thing sucks, let me tell you!!! The tranquilizer made him want to vomit so he shook some and that really was hard for me to witness. But once it was done and he was at peace I felt some relief. Well, at first I wept and was a bit angry, but it did bring some peace to me to know that he was no longer suffering.
My vet was a tremendous help through all of this. He was super kind and very compassionate. And while we are on the subject of the vet let me tell you a little bit about him. We have been taking our pets there for about 8 years. We decided to try him because he was recommended to us and he is a lot less expensive than other vets. He is 50-75% cheaper. Seriously! But that is most likely because be has not updated anything since 1910. The place looks like a storage shed with a few tables. They take cash and check and will take a credit card but will charge you 12% more. And the vet himself......He is in his 70's and a hippie. Literally! He grows his hair for Locks of Love which is awesome but he doesn't brush it between cuts. He throws it back into a ratty ponytail. He has black, plastic glasses that are taped in a few places. He wears the same 2 pairs of shorts and both are made from hospital scrubs material and his underwear are higher than his shorts. And they are holey!!! He has socks up to his knees. His car is covered in bumper stickers saying Make Love Not War, PEACE, and other similar sayings. Hilarious!! But they guy is amazing! He loves his job and really does it well. I will be sending him a card for helping me through all of this.
Today has been tough. Old habits die hard. I have never said "Sadie, let's go outside." (Sadie is our other pup) It has always, always, always been "Dudley! Sadie! Let's go outside." Dudley slept with me, laying against me. If he was not there he was beside my bed. I got up this morning and looked to make sure I did not step on him. But he was not there. When I shower he lays by the shower. Today he was not there. I look for him and he is nowhere to be found. His toys and his belly bands (to prevent marking) are still here. But he is not. This is going to take some getting used to........
And yes, Dudley is gone. He went peacefully at 5:30 last night. And it was one of the most difficult things that I have ever had to do. It was as bad as letting Abbie go (failed adoption). When I had to sign the form to authorize him to put him to sleep I started to cry. When he gave him the first shot, a tranquilizer, I wanted shout STOP!! I wanted to grab Dudley and run out of there, but I made myself stay. To do the right thing. And the right thing sucks, let me tell you!!! The tranquilizer made him want to vomit so he shook some and that really was hard for me to witness. But once it was done and he was at peace I felt some relief. Well, at first I wept and was a bit angry, but it did bring some peace to me to know that he was no longer suffering.
My vet was a tremendous help through all of this. He was super kind and very compassionate. And while we are on the subject of the vet let me tell you a little bit about him. We have been taking our pets there for about 8 years. We decided to try him because he was recommended to us and he is a lot less expensive than other vets. He is 50-75% cheaper. Seriously! But that is most likely because be has not updated anything since 1910. The place looks like a storage shed with a few tables. They take cash and check and will take a credit card but will charge you 12% more. And the vet himself......He is in his 70's and a hippie. Literally! He grows his hair for Locks of Love which is awesome but he doesn't brush it between cuts. He throws it back into a ratty ponytail. He has black, plastic glasses that are taped in a few places. He wears the same 2 pairs of shorts and both are made from hospital scrubs material and his underwear are higher than his shorts. And they are holey!!! He has socks up to his knees. His car is covered in bumper stickers saying Make Love Not War, PEACE, and other similar sayings. Hilarious!! But they guy is amazing! He loves his job and really does it well. I will be sending him a card for helping me through all of this.
Today has been tough. Old habits die hard. I have never said "Sadie, let's go outside." (Sadie is our other pup) It has always, always, always been "Dudley! Sadie! Let's go outside." Dudley slept with me, laying against me. If he was not there he was beside my bed. I got up this morning and looked to make sure I did not step on him. But he was not there. When I shower he lays by the shower. Today he was not there. I look for him and he is nowhere to be found. His toys and his belly bands (to prevent marking) are still here. But he is not. This is going to take some getting used to........
Monday, July 4, 2011
saying good-bye to my furbaby :(
When we first found out that we were infertile we learned that friends of ours had dealt with it as well. During their wait they bought a puppy and he was their "baby". They named him Dudley and he really helped to ease the pain they were feeling. Once they learned about our struggles they wanted to show their support and maybe help ease our pain as well and they gave us one of Dudley's puppies. We named him Dudley Jr and he has been my baby. My first baby. We have had him for over 11 years and we love him to pieces. He sleeps with us, he travels with us, we even dress him in those ridiculous sweaters.
Dudley has always been a healthy dog so when I noticed him really slowing down I feared the worse. Then I noticed a large lump under his jar and my heart sank. We took him to the vet immediately and the vet was not optimistic. He treated him with antibiotics in case it was an infection but that did not help. In fact, he has more lumps and he is very lethargic. Tomorrow I will call the vet to take him in again. If the vet is fairly certain it is cancer we will say our good-byes. If he thinks that there is a good chance of it being something else we will have testing done.
I am not holding on to any hope of it being treatable. He is too old for expensive testing and treatments. Just the blood work alone is $150. If it is cancer we are looking at thousands of dollars for him to maybe live an extra year or so. We do not have the money nor the heart to put him through all of that. So chances are tomorrow we say good-bye. And it is killing me!!!! I am praying that he will pass in his sleep tonight so that I will not have to make this decision. I can't stand the thoughts of him wagging his tail as I take him to his final destination, looking at me with his big, brown eyes. I really don't want to do this! But I have to. He is my baby and it is my place to be with him.
Please pray for me tomorrow. I really need strength to say bye to him. We all love our pets but to those of us that suffered infertility I think that pets hold a special place in our hearts that only other infertiles really can understand.
Dudley has always been a healthy dog so when I noticed him really slowing down I feared the worse. Then I noticed a large lump under his jar and my heart sank. We took him to the vet immediately and the vet was not optimistic. He treated him with antibiotics in case it was an infection but that did not help. In fact, he has more lumps and he is very lethargic. Tomorrow I will call the vet to take him in again. If the vet is fairly certain it is cancer we will say our good-byes. If he thinks that there is a good chance of it being something else we will have testing done.
I am not holding on to any hope of it being treatable. He is too old for expensive testing and treatments. Just the blood work alone is $150. If it is cancer we are looking at thousands of dollars for him to maybe live an extra year or so. We do not have the money nor the heart to put him through all of that. So chances are tomorrow we say good-bye. And it is killing me!!!! I am praying that he will pass in his sleep tonight so that I will not have to make this decision. I can't stand the thoughts of him wagging his tail as I take him to his final destination, looking at me with his big, brown eyes. I really don't want to do this! But I have to. He is my baby and it is my place to be with him.
Please pray for me tomorrow. I really need strength to say bye to him. We all love our pets but to those of us that suffered infertility I think that pets hold a special place in our hearts that only other infertiles really can understand.
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