Our journey through infertility, failed adoptions and now parenthood through the miracle of embryo adoption/donation.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Infertility Purgatory

Infertility is hell. Fertility is heaven. That would make secondary infertility purgatory. Here you have seen both the good and the bad, yet you are neither fertile or infertile. You have the joys of one and the pain of the other. Today I feel that sense of limbo more than usual. My brother's girlfriend had their baby on Sunday. Today my sister announced that she is pregnant with baby number two. I am happy for both, yet sad for myself. And feeling guilt for being sad. I have a baby so I should be fine, right? At least I thought it would be that way, but it is not the case. I long for the ease in which they conceive. I ache to feel a baby move inside of me again. And I am terrified that I will not get that opportunity again. But oh so grateful that I got at least once chance. Such a dichotomy.

Today I wish that there was a way out of this purgatory, though thankful that I am not in infertility hell either. Another person "passing" me and having babies. Someone younger. Wow! This is one craptastic mood!!! LOL I will try to be in a better mood next time. =)


  1. Oh darling - it's not about being in a great mood all the time! Sorry you're in purgatory. Infertility isn't something you get over!

  2. I think everything you're feeling is completely normal. Some of my kids from when I taught Sunday school ten years ago are married and having children already.

    And then there's me.

    And then there's family members who have no problems with fertility having baby after baby after baby and are on welfare and don't WANT to stop being on welfare. And I have to pay $13,000 to even ATTEMPT to have a baby that *I* will insure, feed, clothe, and love, without any help from any government agency?


    I think its okay to feel what you feel. God created all of those emotions to reside within us, even if they're not pretty or convenient all the time.

  3. Right there with you, dear. Secondary infertility is a weird confusing place to be. I can't believe that the green monster rears its ugly head so often when I am so so so overwhelmingly grateful that I have my baby. Hugs!

  4. I completely get it. Although mine is an infertility by choice so as not to put any more babies at risk of death, it is still a very strange, and somewhat lonely place to be. But I, like you, count my blessings every single day.

  5. Landon is only 3 months old and I find myself having those same old feelings. I think alot about getting pregnant again once I quit nursing and hope that I can do it on my own. I am so thankful for my little one but the is a part of me that constantly hopes one day I will get a little surprise. That's what I am envy in others...the ability to conceive without planning, having 15 other people involved or having to take out a loan.

  6. I feel the same way. I just found out a little girl I used to babysit is pregnant...I took it hard. I hate when that happens.

    I also wanted to ask you to check out my latest post. We're considering embryo adoption, but I just have fears of saying yes...Can you help?!?


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