CIO makes me sad

CIO (cry it out) was something that I hoped to never have to do. But alas, it was necessary. Maddie is a fantastic child. She listens fairly well, so far no separation anxiety and will go in the nursery easily, eats well, is loving, etc. We mainly fight with her on eating dog food and paper and playing in the dog water. And sleeping. Or the lack thereof. She has always been a horrible sleeper. She used to get up at 2 am and stay up for 3-4 hours. Then she quit sleeping in her bed at all. She gets up 2-4 times a night still and she is 10 months old!! Most of these bad habits started because of her ear infections. Laying down for any length of time caused pain and I just didn't have the heart to make her. So she slept with us. But now that she is better it was time.

Tonight I made her cry herself to sleep. I felt like a horrible mommy!!! I have attempted this before but only lasted about 15 minutes. She cries like her best friend died and I just couldn't handle it. She would be red, covered in tears and trembling. It was awful!! But the past few nights she barely slept and had hubby not been home I would have had to find someone to watch her. I did not want to be near her. I was exhausted!!! And at my wits end. So I had to grow a backbone and do this. She cried for 40 minutes and I checked on her twice (which only made it worse) but she did it. She fell asleep!!! It was one of the worst things I had to do, but it was so worth it!! Now if she would just sleep all night...... One battle at a time, I guess!

Infertility Purgatory

Infertility is hell. Fertility is heaven. That would make secondary infertility purgatory. Here you have seen both the good and the bad, yet you are neither fertile or infertile. You have the joys of one and the pain of the other. Today I feel that sense of limbo more than usual. My brother's girlfriend had their baby on Sunday. Today my sister announced that she is pregnant with baby number two. I am happy for both, yet sad for myself. And feeling guilt for being sad. I have a baby so I should be fine, right? At least I thought it would be that way, but it is not the case. I long for the ease in which they conceive. I ache to feel a baby move inside of me again. And I am terrified that I will not get that opportunity again. But oh so grateful that I got at least once chance. Such a dichotomy.

Today I wish that there was a way out of this purgatory, though thankful that I am not in infertility hell either. Another person "passing" me and having babies. Someone younger. Wow! This is one craptastic mood!!! LOL I will try to be in a better mood next time. =)

June Cleaver, I'm not!

I always had this image of the "perfect mom". She was a cross between June Cleaver, Claire Huxtable and Carol Brady. I am not sure what exactly I am, but it's not those three! I always pictured my house clean, myself impeccably dressed, Maddie in the cutest clothes and bows and gourmet dinners on the table. Instead I look like a schlub, dinner is hot dogs, my house is trashed and Maddie....well.....let's just say that I think she is always adorable, but the other day she was total dirtball. I have always said that I would never let my child run around in just a diaper. Yeah, right! Last week Maddie had Hand, Foot & Mouth disease and was miserable. She ran a 102 fever and was covered in blisters. I stripped her down to a diaper and let her go. I then gave her some juice and she dribbled half of it all over her. Do you know what happens to juice when it dries? It gets sticky!! So Maddie was covered in dog fur, my hair, lint and anything else she could find. She then fell asleep just like that. Yeah, I win mother of the year!!!

Seriously though, I am much more laid back than I thought I would be. I wish that I spent a bit more time cleaning or cooking, but mostly I am too tired (she still does not sleep well). And I would rather spend time with her instead. I may never get this opportunity again and I want to cherish every minute of it. One day I will clean this house! Or hire someone to do it for me!!

Adventures in POOP

Maddie is now 9 months old and goodness, this child gets into everything!!! And when I say everything I mean EVERYTHING. This includes poopie. It all started last week. She was playing so nicely by herself, laying under the kitchen table. She was laughing and being so good. Then she crawled to me and had a little Hitler stache. I thought "I wonder what she got into". I picked her up to look and the smell hit me. It was poo!!! While laying on the kitchen floor (on an area rug) she poo'd and it came out the back of her diaper. It was on the rug, both of her hands, her face (yuck!!!) and now all over me. This was one of those times that you strip them down and hose them off in the tub. Hubby and I joked that since she likes poo we were going to have to fight her and the dogs away from the cat litter now. (yes, my dogs like kitty poo. We call it the poo-poo platter.)

Well, guess what?? I am a prophetess. I saw the future. Today I thought that she was sitting by my feet. Instead she had silently crawled down the hallway and into the bathroom. I found her with both hands in the kitty litter. Do you realize just how gross this is????? She thought it was hilarious!! As I told her "NO, Maddie!! We don't play with kitty poo!! Yuck!" I began stripping her down and bathing her. Again. Thankfully I got to her before she ate any of it. I think. We shall see what we find in her diaper tomorrow.

Then tonight. Oh, yes, the adventure continues. Maddie had a stinky diaper so I changed her. No problem, all went well. Then I noticed that she felt warm so I took her temp. I still take it rectally and she does fine with it. We do it often as she has had chronic infections and I have had to monitor it so it was no big deal. But this time she fought me a bit. I noticed that it bothered her and she was bearing down. I assumed (stupid me) that she was just trying to push out the thermometer. How wrong I was!!! Before I know it out comes poopie. All over the table, her clothes and the thermometer. That is still in her bum. I couldn't get it to stop. It was like a soft serve ice cream machine stuck in the on position. Poo was going everywhere and I had no place to put the thermometer. I finally get it all cleaned up but realize that I need to do this again. The thermometer hadn't stopped and it was on 101.8 when I took it out. Great! A fever! So we try this again. And you guessed it.....another pooplosian. But I didn't give up!! Well, not until after 4 attempts. I still am not sure what her actual temp was. Once she fell asleep I took it under her arm and it was only 99.6 so either it went down after the Tylenol or it was never that high and the poo just warmed up the thermometer. That is just nasty!

So that was my week. I have had it up to here with poo! Literally!!!!

this was to be the month

After I had Maddie I asked my OB when I could get pregnant again. He preferred that I wait 9 months so that there was 18 months between deliveries. This month marks the 9 month mark. And I am not pregnant. Nor am I anywhere near being able to try again. I will admit that it makes me a bit sad. I had really hoped to be in the position to at least begin looking for a clinic with available embryos, but we are at least another 6 months from that. Why in the world I had even thought to "plan" a pregnancy I will never know!!! I "planned" to have babies 12 years ago but you can see how that worked out for me!! LOL

I hate to be in another holding pattern, but obviously God wants me there. He wants me to wait a bit longer. Or maybe even a lot longer. Probably until He knows that I won't lose my mind. Sleep deprivation is killing me!!! But I'm not complaining. Its a good problem to have. Now off to try to nap for a few minutes......

donating embryos vs. using them for research

I was reading a post on Baby Center about SCR (stem cell research), specifically embryonic stem cells. The general consensus was that it is a great idea and many stated that embryos might as well be used instead of thrown away and "what else will they do with them anyway". While reading this I am shouting "donate them to couples!!!!". One even posted this:

What do the people who regard embryos as a life want to do with the surplus embryos? Is there a line forming to bring them to term, even though they are discarded from their original parentage?

I replied that YES, THERE IS A LINE!!!!! I was shocked at how many people were completely clueless about embryo donation/adoption. I am sure that I would have been one of them had I been fertile, but sitting here with my little donated embryo baby sleeping next to me it is no longer just a concept, but a reality. A dream come true.

As I was reading this thread I thought about the argument that I have heard repeatedly that it is "too hard" to donate embryos to a couple so they would just rather donate them to research. I just cannot comprehend that line of thinking. I realize that donating embryos is not an easy decision, really I do. But if you can recognize that the embryo is the beginning of life when it comes to ED/A how can you donate that same embryo? Is it no longer a baby waiting to be? How is allowing an embryo to be destroyed in the name of research a good choice, an ethical and moral choice? How is it easier than giving that embryos a chance at life?

I think that we are in this place because of our legal system and it's definition of what a baby is. If you are 10 weeks pregnant and wish not to become a mother you can have an abortion because it is only a "mass of cells". But if the same woman wants to be a mother and someone assaults her and she miscarries that same mass of cells is now a baby and the attacker a murderer. How does this thought process make sense?? It doesn't! Yet we apply this same skewed logic to embryos. During IVF the embryos are little lives to us (pro-lifers) and if we choose to donate they are little lives as well. But if we are unable to make that decision to donate and choose discarding them or donating for research they are now just cells? How does that work?

With all that said I do not favor giving embryos rights. I know that to some that may seem contradictory. I do value human life and wish that more people did as well. But if we give rights to embryo, treating them as though they are full humans, then we are entering dangerous territory. If a doctor makes a mistake and an embryo is destroyed he would then been a murderer. It would also mean that embryo donation would be a thing of the past and we would all have to go the full adoption route. While I love that there are agencies out there offering embryo adoption I do not want to see all donations become adoptions. There are many wonderful couples out there that are unable to do an adoption (financial, past mistakes, etc) that should have the chance to become parents and embryo donation can give them that opportunity. Yet genetic parents should have the option to choose a family if that is what they want. A middle ground is what we have now with both agencies and clinics offering different types of adoptions and donations. But in the midst of it we sometimes forget that these little lives are part of the process and they need to be cared for and destroying them should not be an option.

What are your thoughts on destroying embryos or donating them for research? Should embryos have rights? Should all donations become adoptions?