Look what I received!!!

One of my faithful followers sent me a gift this week. She is a friend that I have yet to meet in person, but hope to be able to some day. She has been a tremendous source of support and encouragement through our FET and everything pregnancy related. She sent me a "Happy 2nd Trimester" gift and I must say that I cried and cried when I opened it! Here is a pic of the gift:



Marisa, thank you so very much!!! I promise to take photos of our little one wearing these bibs and hat so that you can see them in action.

Misadventures in Maternity

Right now I am in that in between stage of pregnancy. Not quite showing but pooching out and my clothing is getting tight. Yesterday I decided to wear a maternity skirt. I went to the mall with my sister. She wanted to get my niece's ear's pierced and somehow I was the big, bad meanie that had to hold her during the tortuous event. Though as much as I hated it she sure does look cute!!! Once that was finished my sister went to pay and I went out to the main mall area, holding my niece and feeding her a bottle. While holding her 17 pound chubby self I felt something....odd. Because I am chubby I wear a pair of shorts made out of slip material to reduce friction from my thighs rubbing together. Because of this I can't always tell when my skirt shifts or slips. The next thing I know my skirt is around my knees. And my hands are full. And I am standing there bearing my bum to the whole mall. I shift the baby to one arm and with the other hand grab my skirt, frantically trying to pull it up while waddling into the store to hide from prying eyes. I yell for my sister to take the baby and she is laughing so hard she can barely take her. Finally I get it pulled up and with my head down, shame coloring my face, I hurry out of the mall. I can never show my face there again! Well, maybe I can since I doubt that it was my face that they would remember!!! ;-)

1st trimester screening results

Last week we went in for our 1st trimester screening. For those of you unfamiliar with this testing it includes a blood test for Trisomy 13 & 18 as well as Down's Syndrome and an ultrasound to check the fluid in the back of the neck. Increased fluid can indicate a neural defect. The ultrasound results were great! Today we received the results of the blood tests. According to the age of the embryo donor the chances of the baby having Trisomy 13 or 18 was 1 in 1000. The blood tests said that the risks were now 1 in 10,000. Very good results!!!! The Down's results was not as good, though. For the age of the donor the risks should be 1 in 900. The blood test showed that we are at an increased risk of 1 in 400, or about .25%. Still not a high risk, but higher than we had hoped.

While on the phone with the genetic counselor she asked if we had any questions and I told her no. Regardless of the results I will carry this baby to term and love him or her with all of my heart. After I hung up I began to think about the results and I must say that is bothered me a bit. No one wants to hear that anything could possibly be wrong with their baby. Considering that it would not change the outcome, why then would we consider further testing? Well, here is why: I like to be prepared. If our baby is going to have special needs I am not equipped to handle them. But I can learn. And if I know now I can grieve now and then begin preparing for the baby. I could set up a support system and join a support group. We were leaning towards further testing.

The results of this particular test are not conclusive and the only way to know for sure is to have further testing done, either an amnio or CVS. So my hubby and I discussed the pros and cons of further testing. There is no way that I would undergo and amnio as the risk for miscarraige is too high. I had always heard that CVS has less of a risk so we were leaning towards that one. Then I searched the internet (what did we do before the world wide web???) and found on several sites that the risks are the same for the amnio as well as CVS. Both carry about a 1 in 400 chance of miscarriage. I could live with having a child with Down's Syndrome, but I could not live with my myself doing something to cause a miscarriage.

So at this time we are resting in Him. There is nothing that we can do to change anything. Yes, I would still like to be prepared. And yes, I hate wondering about the unknown. But He knows exactly what is going to happen. There are no surprises with God. If He will includes us having a baby with Down's Syndrome then that is what we will have. His will is perfect and we trust Him to do what is best.

In the "club"

I have been on the infertility road for 11 years. During that time I found myself on the outside looking in. I always felt left out on the mommy talk. They have their own universal language that might has well been gibberish to me. Actually, I understood much of what they were saying, but my responses were largely ignored. I have always loved children and began babysitting at the age of eleven. I worked church nursery and after a semester of college I worked in a daycare for several years and then did childcare in my home. I have always been around children and though in no way an expert, I do know a thing or two about a thing or two. Yet if I piped up and commented during a mommy discussion they looked at me as though I had grown a second head. As though the day you give birth you are given a knowledge that no one else possesses. I realize that I have not raised a child, day in and day out, but I am not a complete idiot. I hated that feeling of always being on the outside of the "mommy club" and looked forward to the day that I was a part of it.

Now that I am pregnant I find that women that have never spoken two words to my infertile self now want to include me in their conversations. And that "club" that I so wanted to be a part of no longer interests me. Yes, I am excited to have this baby, but this baby does not make me important or valuable. I am important because I am me, infertile or fertile, the woman God made me to be. Why am I now able to discuss diapers or formula when I still have done neither? Just because I am going to face these issues means I am now allowed to have an opinion?

Tonight we visited a church and the pastor's wife and I have been friends for a little over a year. I love her to pieces!!! She was my friend before I got pregnant and has been extremely supportive in spite of her very fertile self. She has never treated me differently and I love her for it. I enjoy discussing mommy things with her because it is not the only subject we discuss. My fertility, or lack thereof, has never been an issue.

I think that I am going to start my own club! All woman that possess sensitivity and compassion are allowed regardless of the state of their fertility. Wanna join??

ILCW ~Welcome~

Here we are, another ICLW. If you are unsure of what that means, click the purple button to the left. For those of you visiting for the first time let me tell you a little bit about myself and this crazy journey called Infertility.

*I have been married 11 years and ttc for all of them.

*Our diagnosis: azoospermia, endometriosis, blocked tube, poor egg quality, and possible PCOS. Really, there isn't much left, is there??

*We have had 2 failed adoptions, one of which we had our daughter for 3 months when we had to let her go.

*We have tried 4 IUI's in the past but without success.

*We began the journey of embryo adoption in July of 2009 and had our first transfer in December of 2009 which resulted in our current pregnancy.

Infertility has been a long, ridiculously crazy journey, one I never signed up for! But in the journey I have learned a lot about myself and faith. I have also met some of the greatest people through the years, those joined by this common bond. Though there are many days that I wish that our common bond was our extreme wealth or that we were incredibly gorgeous people, not infertile, but hey, I love ya all just the same! I look forward to meeting some new people this week! Happy ICLW everyone!

My friend's baby is with Jesus

A few weeks ago I wrote about a forum friend that was having complications with her pregnancy. Here is the whole story: Heavy Heart. Sadly, earlier this week her placenta began to detach and then a day or so ago his heart stopped beating and is now resting in the arms of Jesus. I know that he is in heaven and there is not a better place to reside. But this knowledge does not erase the pain that his parents are feeling at this time. I cannot even begin to imagine what they are going through, though I know that some of you reading this do. My heart is just breaking thinking about their sorrow.

Please be in prayer for this family tomorrow and in the days to come. Tomorrow she has to be induced and will be delivering her little one, knowing that she will not get to see his eyes, feel his breath, hear his cries. Please lift them up in prayer as it will only be by the grace of God that they will survive this tragedy.

Holy cow, there is something in there!

I am 12 weeks along and had I not seen the ultrasound myself I would never believe that I was pregnant. I have little, actually no symptoms. And because I am a bit fluffy (that is a nice way of saying that I am fat) I am not showing. I have a hard time thinking like a pregnant woman and often forget that I am. Well, last night I was laying in bed and rolled over onto my stomach. I never lay on my stomach so it took me a second to notice that something was "off". I rocked back and forth and though "Oh, no! What is that?? Do I have a tumor???" Then it dawned on me....it was my growing uterus!! There really IS something growing in there!! =D