can fear and faith coexist?

Things are really beginning to move forward with for our upcoming cycle. The problem that I face is fear. God brought us to this clinic. He provided the embryos. We even have the finances. Yet I fear. Where is my faith? Why am I struggling with fear this time? Then I realized that faith cannot exist without fear. If we had nothing to fear we would not need to place our faith in God, so the two must both be present. You can have fear alone, but not faith alone. This helped me to put it into perspective and to rest in Him and trust that our needs will be provided.

I have two main fears: that it will not work and that we will not have the money, the money being the biggest fear right now. I said that we have the finances and thankfully we do have enough money in savings. The problem is that we need about $800-1000 of work done on our roof, a wall torn out and replaced in our kitchen, and the flooring replaced. The more we use for EA the less we have for those things. And those repairs must be done. If the FET costs rise too high we will be unable to proceed. This is what scares me!!! But God has already provided for the next step. I have my mock transfer on Friday. When it was just the SHG we had hoped that it could be billed to insurance as it is a diagnostic procedure for uterine abnormalities as well as for infertility. My insurance paid for my last one so we were hopeful. But this clinic does some fancy digital 3D thing and it cannot be billed as it is only for infertility. And it is $525, more than the SHG would have been. I started to get a bit panicky about it but hubby assured me that it was okay, we will be fine. Then I remembered a check that we had received from our insurance company that I had yet to cash. It was reimbursement for an out of network test hubby had had done. The check was for $300! So we are cashing that and using it for the MET. And there is a pair of shoes I bought (I have plantar fasciatis and need ugly, old lady shoes) but I really hate them and am returning them. There were....gulp....$150 and we will use that towards it as well. (for that kind of money I want to love the shoes...these just make me cry they are so ugly). So that is $450 for the MET this Friday! See? God is providing!!

Our next big obstacle is the travel costs, mainly the flight. Hubby cannot travel that far yet with his lymphodema so my grandmother was going to go. But the tickets are running close to $400 right now and we can't afford for both of us to go. Driving is just too far and still $500 in gas plus an additional 2 days of travel. This may mean that I am going alone which is fine, but not my first choice. I hate that I don't have an actual date yet and have to wait until my next period to know that. I like to plan!! You would think that 14 years of infertility I would have learned that "planning" is totally useless!!

Our last obstacle is the meds. I am only going to be on 2: Vivelle and progsterone suppositories. Last time I used Prometrium and they were $25 with my insurance which was awesome! But this RE does not like them as they are not technically suppositories so he is sending me an RX for 2 different ones to choose from. If insurance does not cover them we may be in trouble as I have heard they could run around $600. Gulp! I already know that my insurance does not cover the PIO so that is out. Thankfully I have been gifted 2+ boxes of Vivelle so that is not a concern at all. And insurance pays for those (high co-pay though) if I need more.

While I am sure that I will fight my fear until this is over, I am trying to have faith. I know that God will provide, I just do not know how. And like I said, I like to have a  plan. :)