Maddie is my "never"

After so many years of infertility I never thought that we would actually have a child so in that way Maddie is my "never". But she is my "never" in another way as well. Before having a child of my own I made many statements about what I would "never" do or allow. Maddie has tested almost every theory I had! I said that I would never allow a baby to have a bottle past her 1st birthday. Maddie had one until she was 18 months old. I said I would never let a child sleep with me. Yep, Maddie is in our bed at least half of the night. And tantrums? I was never going to allow those. Ha! Maddie has definitely shown me!! It is funny how I was able to be strict with any and every child that I cared for as a daycare worker, a nanny, and watching kids in my home yet I totally cave when Maddie challenges me. Not every time but man, this kid pushes boundaries. But I gotta say, I love this little terror. Maddie will be 21 months this month. She is talking a lot and learning new things every day. While I enjoy this stage immensely I miss my "baby". I have baby fever like crazy right now. Crazy being the operative word here. Maddie still does not sleep through the night and the thoughts of having two kids waking me every night is enough to cause me to crawl into the fetal position and look for a happy place. Yet I still want another bambino. I little, bitty squishy baby. I want another one of those! Yet I feel guilty for wanting to try again when there are so many still waiting for one. But I know that me having a child does not change what happens to another infertile. We all have our own unique path to walk and each step is our own. But I want to make it all fair and every infertile have one before anyone can have a second one. But I don't get that choice, though I wish I did. So we will take the next step for us this summer and see where it leads us. Praying that it is to a sibling for miss Maddie.