For some reason I always assumed that once I got pregnant or adopted that I would embrace Mother's Day. I thought that I would anticipate the day, wake up with a smile that morning. I would be "in the club". Yet that is not the case. I no longer hate the day, but I don't love it either. It is difficult to love a day that so many dread. It is a bit like being married 9/11/00, before 9/11. Each time you state your anniversary date you hope that the person asking did not lose someone that day. Like it feels "wrong" to have enjoy that date while so many people lost loved ones. Mother's Day is a bit like that. When I hear someone wish a woman (a stranger) "Happy Mother's Day" my heart immediately skips a beat as I look at her face to see if she is trying to hide her pain. Has she lost her own mother? Is she dealing with infertility? The loss of a child? Does my joy cause her grief? Does she feel her heart shatter when she sees Maddie grab my face and give me a kiss and call me Momma? It hurts my heart to know that I now may cause others pain.
I love the idea of Mother's Day as a mother's job is never ending. It is often a thankless job and mom's deserve to be recognized and honored on a day all their own. I just wish that it didn't come with a price to another. The days before Maddie were hard, but Mother's Day the hardest of them all. I would wake with a heavy heart and tears in my eyes. Many times I did not get dressed and vegged in front of the television stuffing my face. How can I now celebrate the same day? How do I ignore the person that I was and embrace the one that I am now? In reality I can't. The two people have become one. I will never forget those years of waiting and the truth is I don't want to forget. It are those memories that make me who I am today. Infertility has taught me compassion, empathy, and patience. I am a kinder person for having gone through it all. So this, my second Mother's Day, I will celebrate my own mother, my daughter and the journey that brought me to to her. But I will also take time to pray for those hurting and I hope that you will join me.