A few posts ago I wrote about my father contacting me asking if we could meet. The first time since he and my mom separated when I was a year old. I reluctantly agreed to meet him but not until after Christmas. I just could not deal with the emotions of it all before that. Now it is after Christmas and I am not sure that I am ready. Not sure if I will ever be truly ready.
As a little girl I always wondered about my father. My step dad loved me like his own and I adored him, yet I knew that he was not my "real dad". He and my mom got together when I was two and I called him Gary until my sister was born almost 2 years later and then he became Dad. I must have always remembered that because no one ever made me feel like I was a step child. Ever! But there was something in me that was curious about the man whose DNA I shared. When I was a teen I located him and called him. He refused to answer the phone at first but finally spoke to me. I was hurt and decided I was not going to do it again. About 10 years later I tried again. I am not sure why, I just......wondered about him. This time he talked to me but there was no connection, no warm and fuzzy feelings. My last contact with him was 2 years ago when I needed some medical information. It was done via Facebook messages and it was cool and impersonal, which was fine with me. At that time I thought it was over and that part of my life was over.
Now he decides that he wants to meet me.
There is a part of me that is curious about him. My step dad left when I was 11 years old and between the two of them I have a hard time trusting men. There will always be a scared little inside of me wanting her daddy's love. That will never go away. That little girl scares me. She is sad and lonely. The rest of my life is fulfilled, all but this part. It is hard for me not to get my hopes up that this man will be the daddy I longed for. Yet I know that he won't be. He never has been and never will be. Yet the longing is still there.
When I decided to meet him I also determined that he would not hurt me. Yet, hurt I am. But it is my fault for having expectations. We corresponded for a few days and he was prompt in responding every time. He also commented on Facebook a few times which he has never done. So on Christmas day I thought for sure that he would wish me a Merry Christmas. But all was silent. And I was hurt. It shows me that this will not be easy for me to do. I will still meet him, but I will have to do a lot of praying to prepare my heart for this.