A few weeks ago I wrote about a woman on a parenting board that was complaining about not not being pregnant after 3 months of not preventing (not actively ttc). I titled it "let me cry for you". I received a response that I deleted. It said something like "You have a child so 'let me cry for you' too". My first reaction was to respond with a snarky post, calling the blogger out. Instead I deleted it. I was irritated about it for a day or so then I thought more about it. The commenter was anonymous and I wanted to call the woman out, but the more I thought about it I realized that her comment was not from rudeness but from a place of pain.
I am sure that if we were honest we could all say that we have been there. We have not only resented fertiles but those with secondary infertility. In the early years of my journey I had no compassion for SI-ers. I could not comprehend how someone that had a child could even begin to understand or feel what I felt. It took quite some time on Stepping Stones infertility forum for me to change my mind. I learned a lot about SI and while I would admittedly rather be dealing with SI versus PI, SI is still painful.
As infertiles, regardless of where we are in the journey, we beg fertiles to just try to have compassion and understanding on how difficult infertility is for us. We do our best to educate them and we share our stories and struggles in hopes of changing the world's view on infertility. Yet ofttimes we fail to have that same compassion on fellow infertiles if they have not struggled as long as us, or if they have a child already. By doing so we fail each other. Regardless of where we are in this journey we need each other. We need support. We need compassion. We need a listening ear.
So whoever the commenter was, I am sorry that my post hurt you. Actually, it wasn't my post, but my current state of life. I know that your comment came from a place of pain and I pray that you can find it in your heart to understand that we all hurt, even those of us that have had a child. And you will be in my prayers during this holiday season as I know that it will not be easy. And most of all I pray that you get the desire of your heart soon.
I am the one that commented. It was not your "state of life" that I was upset about but your comments about that girl and all the complaining you do on your blog. I do have children, I went through infertility for a long time. So no it was not from a place of pain, I have 3 children now. I don't think we should make fun or whatever you want to call it, of women going through infertility. When I was only trying for 3 months, I got the feeling something was wrong, and I was right! What you said about that girl wasn't good at all. Please be happy you have a child, and leave other alone that haven't gone through it as long as you. It is hard if you go through it for 12 years or months.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, this woman is in no way infertile. I would never make fun of anyone going through infertility. She had a baby the same month that I did and was unhappy that she was not pregnant the first month of quitting BCP. Myabe you should have actually read the post instead of assuming I was being a witch. I made the same comments as you just did that infertility is hard regardless of how long you go through it. But again, this had nothing to do with infertility!!!!
ReplyDeleteAs for "all of the complaining" that you claim that I do I have two responses to that: 1) Why do you bother reading my blog then if I "complain" so much? And 2) I don't see how posting 5-6 posts in a 12 month period as being a lot of complaining. I am assuming that your blog is perfect and you never vent or complain. But I wouldn't know since you can only call people out anonymously.
Deat Anonoymous, I find it very cowardly that you hid behind a cover in order to complain about something that Jess wrote on HER blog! No one ever said that you had to agree to what she says or how she says it but for you to anonymously come out and complain about her complaining? That's very low. She has every right to be upset about this woman who obvioulsy doesn't suffer like some of us do, she was hurt. If you don't like what she says, don't read! It's the internet...it's so easy to turn it off! Jess on the other hand, this is her life, her everyday struggle to battle this terrible battle. Grow up and quit hiding behind a mask, especially if you want to complain!
ReplyDeleteJess is doing the same thing insulting this other women. She could have done the same thing, if she didn't like what that girl said, don't read it. Why are you so picky about who can complain about infertility? Who are you to decide if someone has gone through enough to hurt? You call yourself a infertile and you have a child. So yes it could be infertility. You know nothing about her don't judge her. Please stop insulting people and complaining. If you don't want comments than don't have a comment section. My name is Jenny not sure why that makes a difference to you, you don't know me. I do not have a blog, I just read them. Why do you assume so much about me and you don't know anything at all.
ReplyDeleteYou seem to change your story now, I thought it was 3 months she was trying now it was the first month? Why do you care so much about that woman anyways?
ReplyDeleteI think Jess did a great job on this follow up post of recognizing that everyone's battle is different and that she should remember that...I found this post to be rather nice yet you still want to attack. Geeze...are you sure you don't have some left over anger from your own struggle? For someone longing for a baby (even a 2nd baby)...any time waiting is difficult....but the national average for FERTILE people to get pregnant is 4 months to a year...so to complain before that time really does seem a bit pre-mature...and Jess has every right to relay her "feelings" about this on her own blog. Why are YOU so upset about this? And...like others have said...why do you even keep reading if you feel this is "complaining"? Maybe you just complain in the comments section of other people's blogs so that all your complaints aren't in one spot!
ReplyDeleteHow is what I am doing any different that what Jess did? She wrote a whole post about this girl. Why didn't she just not read it????? No I am not saying this our of infertility anger. Just because someone has had infertility doesn't mean they are angry. That is just stupid. Could it be that Jess shouldn't have called this person out and made such a huge deal about it? People read blogs they don't care for sometimes. I found this one through one I do like to read and look from time to time. It's funny you all are telling me how rude I was with your nasty comments. So it's ok for you to be nasty, just not me huh?
ReplyDeleteAnon, the difference is that I read someone's post on a forum and while irritated with it I walked away. I did not belittle her or criticize her on her post. My reaction to her post spurred me to write my blog post without giving any information on this person. I did not attack her and if she read my blog I would not have used her words as an example. The whole point of my blog post was to vent about how those that have children easily complain because it does not happen within the first three months of not preventing and are upset because it might take a take a "long time" (I think it was 7 months she quoted but can't remember).
ReplyDeleteThis blog post was never to attack the Anon poster, honestly it was not. It was my attempt to try to understand why someone would leave a snarky comment. I had assumed that by the tone of the response that the person was hurting, not just snotty. Apparently I was wrong and for that I apologize. And Anon, you are right. I allow anonymous comments so I was asking for it. But that feature will be turned off from here on out. You are still welcome to read my blog (though I have no idea why you would even want to) but you will have to keep your comments to yourself.
Er..okay, but isn't the whole point of having a blog be a type of medium where the Blogger can vent, complain, rant, reflect, and boast about life and what not?
ReplyDeleteJess, say what you want to say on here...its your blog.
EVERYONE needs a place to vent!!! Your blog... you vent away! =) Its a very cathartic method! You can easily work out your thoughts and feelings! I think it is good for you! Good for alot of people to be able to understand what others are going through!
ReplyDeleteI have been reading your blog for some time yet. Actually I think I picked it up just as you were about to go into the ultrasound that told you Maddie was a girl. I started reading it because I was also having a baby in August and I was close to having that same ultrasound that told me I was having a boy. Now, infertility is not something that I have struggled with. In fact I am one of the lucky ladies that gets pregnant right away and I have never felt threatened by your blog because I have it "easy." Quite the opposite, I have learned so much and felt the pain that infertility puts on a person and I don't think that pain disappears because a baby has been added to the family. From what I have read on other blogs, adding a baby seems to calm the drive down, but it doesn't replace the pain. If my husband and I want another child, it's as simple as removing the birth control. If an infertile couple wants another child, it's not as simple as that. At all. However, I can also understand somebody who has been fertile in the past who now has trouble conceiving right away would think something was wrong, but to call themselves infertile after 3 months is completely ignorgant. Even before I started reading about infertility I knew it took a year of actively trying to conceive to be labeled infertile.
ReplyDeleteI would think someone with 3 children would have more to do with their time than to complain about someone's blog. I also find it cowardly to comment anonymously. If you have something to say, say it and own it.
ReplyDelete