Does being infertile make me a better mother?

I would have to say that yes, it does. Now, stop heating the tar and put down the feathers and read the rest of this before you attack! Yes, I do think that being an infertile makes me a better mother. But better than whom? Better than a crack whore? Obviously! Better than a 16 year old that leaves her baby with anyone and everyone to go out and party? Certainly. Better than a fertile? Um, no! Better than some, yes. Just see the aforementioned examples. It also makes me better than the fertile me. The 12 years that I saw negative pregnancy tests, suffered countless tests and surgeries, and watched all of my friends have several babies taught me a lot about myself. Had I had a baby 11 years ago I would have been a good mom, just like any fertile. But I was young and immature and a bit selfish. These years have taught me to relax a bit and to appreciate what I worked so hard to achieve. Infertility made me a better person therefore a better mother.

treatments vs. adoption

I love a good debate, especially when it is about infertility and fertiles are involved. I love how some fertiles love to give advice or have opinions about infertility. Kind of ironic. Like me giving weight loss advice.

A recent debate/discussion I jumped in on was in regards to fertility treatments. Someone claimed that it was selfish to do fertility treatments when there are so many kids waiting to be adopted. They also said that God must want you to adopt or you wouldn't be infertile. This must be easy to say when you are surrounded by your three littles. I could not help but to reply with the following:

First, if I should not try fertility treatments until all the adoptable children have forever homes then the same thing should apply to fertiles. Why should they have babies when there are children still waiting? God never said that only an infertile couple should adopt.

Second, if infertility meant that we are to adopt, then diabetes means that were are supposed to die. Just because someone suffers from a disease or an illness does not mean that we are not to explore our options. Medical science has allowed us to live longer, healthier lives. It has also allowed us to treat non-life threatening issues such as infertility. Does it make me selfish to do treatments? Maybe. But is is wrong? I don't think so.

Now don't get me wrong, I am very pro-adoption. But I do not believe that adoption is right for everyone, especially adopting older children. To adopt just to adopt is wrong. You must have a place in your heart for these children as they all come with some sort of hurt. They deserve a home filled with love and parents filled with patience. Not everyone is equipped to handle it. I think that my hubby and I are able to handle it and hope to one day be able to do so, but that does not erase my desire to have a baby. We hope to be able to do embryo adoption one more time and then move onto foster care adoption. Why wait, you ask? Because it will be easier to adopt when I am 38 than it will be for me to get pregnant. And if we were to have multiples I need to be at a place where I am not overwhelmed and can devote enough time an attention to a child that needs it.

So what do you think? Should infertiles adopt the children that are still waiting instead of pursuing treatments? Are we just being selfish? Share your thoughts!

My heart is hurting today

Today I was going to write about Maddie and her sleep patterns....or lack thereof. Today I wanted to garner sympathy for my sleep deprivation. Today I was going to complain that Maddie has an ear infection yet again. Today I was looking for someone to commiserate with the woes of being a new mommy. But today those things no longer matter. They are so minor compared to what another family is going through.

Today my baby is screaming, cradled in the crook of my arms while their baby is silent, cradled by the satin lining of a casket.

Today I said "Good morning" to my smiling baby while they said "Good-bye" to their forever sleeping baby.

Today my heart breaks for the Staat family as they prepare to do what no parent should ever have to do: say their final good-bye to their child. Their Maddie passed away this week.

Today take a moment to pray for this family. And in the days ahead as they come home to a silent house filled with baby items.

A Good Report!

I posted yesterday that Maddie had an appointment with a neurologist and he was awesome! Just wonderful. He said it is highly unlikely that Maddie has anything wrong. She is on target developmentally and showed no other signs of having a seizure disorder. He thinks that it is just a habit that she has developed and will most likely outgrow it. There is still a small chance that she is having very minor seizures and he ordered an EEG just to be safe, but he is almost certain that it will not reveal anything abnormal. I must say that I am very relieved! I was fairly sure that all was fine, but hearing it from a doctor made me feel so much better. Thank you all so much for your prayers!!

On a side note I was pleasantly surprised that the office was very familiar with embryo adoption. Usually I have to give a detailed explanation but this time I did not. They have actually had a handful of patients that were conceived via EA. While it is sad that they needed to be seen my a neurologist, it was nice to know that EA is gaining recognition.

Again, thank you all for your support!

Appointment w/a Neurologist

About 2 months ago I noticed that Maddie would shake her head back and forth. I know that babies do this but this was....different. It was more like a tremor. At first I passed it off as normal baby behavior until she did it in her sleep. At her last check up I mentioned it and the doctor did not seem too concerned. That is until I jokingly called it her "Parkinson shake". Then the doctor's face just changed. Nothing too alarming, but enough to know that she was going to want it checked out. Tomorrow Maddie will be seeing a neurologist to evaluate whether further testing is needed.

There are times when I second guess what I have seen, wondering if it is just that I am a new mom and overreacting. And while I am not overly concerned I don't want to ignore it and will pursue whatever the doctor deems necessary. I don't want to look back a year from now and regret not getting her checked and have to deal with something serious that could have been prevented or treated now.

If you have a moment please pray that Maddie is fine. Or that if she is not that the doctor will find it so that we can deal with it. I will update tomorrow afternoon.

Yeah, I 'm special

Sometime before Christmas I received an email that I was included on Nursing Schools 50 Excellent Blogs for Fertility Support. . I have always known that I was special now you all know it too!! ;-)

There are some really great blogs listed here and you should take a moment to check them out.

Should fertiles adopt?

**Please read the whole post before you respond!!**

Last year I was listening to the Delilah Christmas show on the radio. She had listeners calling in to tell a heart touching story, something about their lives. A woman called in and told of how she and her hubby had adopted. Immediately I tuned in to listen to what she had to say. She and her hubby had 3 children and they had always had a heart to adopt, wanting to provide a home for a child in need. Once they were done having their own children they decided to adopt a newborn. They had a good relationship with the birth mother and had a very positive experience. Delilah went on to say how "selfless" this family was to have adopted.

Today I read another story about a woman that wants to adopt because she thinks that adoption is great. She is trying to convince her hubby to adopt instead of having another child themselves.

Both of these stories have gotten to me to think about the couples that choose to adopt. Most couples/people that pursue domestic infant adoption are couples that suffer from infertility. Though I do not know the statistics I think that international adoption and domestic adoption of older children are done by both infertiles and fertiles. What I had not thought of was that fertiles are adopting domestic infants.

After hearing these two stories I am not really sure how I feel about it. Should fertile couples be "allowed" to adopt infants domestically? Legally, yes, of course! But morally? One of the couples mentioned giving a good home to a child in need, but does that really apply to an infant? Are there not enough families waiting right now? The families waiting far exceed the infants that are available. And let's be honest, adopting a newborn is not exactly altruistic. There is a bit of selfishness involved in wanting a newborn. Now don't misunderstand, I am in no way saying that wanting to adopt an infant is selfish at all!!! But there is a difference in adopting a newborn as opposed to an older child, a special needs child or internationally. Those children are the ones in need and the goal there should be to help them and provide a home for them. And there are many, many waiting children that are not "healthy newborns".

As an infertile I want to say that fertile couples should not be allowed to adopt infants domestically. If your reproductive parts work and you have healthy pregnancies and have no known genetic issues, should you not have your own? Why take from those that are unable to have a baby? Or, if you want to help a child in need, should they not adopt internationally? Or a child in the foster care system? But then I wonder if I am just letting the pain of infertility overshadow my thoughts on the subject.

So what are your thoughts on the subject?

On the Pill

Tomorrow I start birth control pills. Last time I took them it was in preparation for our FET. This time is for an entirely different reason: Mittelschmerz. For those not familiar with the term it is just some fancy schmancy word for ovulation pain. And pain is not the word for it, either. I have stage IV endo and this ovulation pain has been worse that my period. Yeah, that bad! Last month I packed a bag for Maddie because I was sure that we would be dropping her off at my sister's on our way to the ER. Thankfully, two Percocet later, it finally stopped. But it left me with the painful reminder that my reproductive organs conspire against me and refuse to work correctly. It also left me with the fear that my endo and PCOS will make getting pregnant again even more difficult. So BCPs, here I come!

There are two things that I really dread about starting these little pills. The first is that they give me migraines. Horrible migraines. But only for about 3 months and then my hormones level off and I feel much better. The second is that it will keep me from getting pregnant naturally. I know! I know! After 12 years the odds of us conceiving on our own are nonexistent. But I liked the thoughts that I would miraculously get pregnant one month without doctors, needles and drugs. And now I feel like I am making that impossible. Yet I know that with God all things are possible and if He wants us to get pregnant it will happen, pills or no pills. So tomorrow it begins.........birth control pills........BLEH! But hey, at least I will be ready when we start our next FET, right??

Five Months!!!

For your viewing pleasure.......





Maddie turned 5 months old on January 25th. She is trying to sit up and rolling all over the place. We started solids at 4 months but she hated them so we would wait 3-5 days before trying them again. Currently she likes jar bananas and pears & raspberries but not much else. She does like mashed potatoes, garlic and all. Not my first choice of food for her, but at least she eats something. She is working on getting her first tooth and once that comes in maybe she will try a few new foods. She is also chattering like crazy!! Jibber jabber the entire time she is awake. I gotta say, I sure do love this kid! I really enjoy watching her grow and change. Definitely worth the wait!!!

Pea Green with Envy

One of my favorite movies is Gone with the Wind and my second favorite line is "Pea green with envy". My first favorite line is "I don't know nuthin' 'bout birthin' no babies". Maybe because for so many years I really didn't know nuthin' 'bout birthin' no babies!! Now that I birthed one I am back to pea green with envy....again.

I am a member of the August 2010 birth board on Baby Center and it is really nice to have women to talk to that have a baby in the same stage as my little one. We can commiserate on sleepless nights and poop explosions or offer advice on feeding. Or we can post photos of how cute our babies are, which mine is the cutest one on there. I know she is and they are all jealous. ;-) But what I cannot relate to are all of the NEW pregnancy posts. So many of them are pregnant or trying to get pregnant right now. Or if not they want a winter baby and will get pregnant in a month or so. They say it like it is so easy. Well, I guess for them it is easy. And that makes me sad. Sad for me. Sad for all of us that struggle with infertility. Though I am now able to relate to so many topics I am still the outsider on the reproductive part of it all. Darn their fertile bodies! Actually, darn my infertile one!