I just realized today that I have spent almost half of my life ttc. This summer will be my 37th birthday and will also mark 16 years of ttc. Wow! I can't believe that this journey to motherhood has been such a long one. It took 12 years before Maddie was born and almost 4 before Olivia is here. Hubby and I are discussing when to do our final FET and if all goes well it will be April of 2015. We have 2 embryos remaining and regardless of the outcome it will be our last try. Baby or not this chapter of our life will finally be closed. I am not sure how I feel about this. Honestly, I don't know how to be anyone but this one. Almost my entire adult life has revolved around trying to become a mother. And now to complete our family. Yet I look forward to letting this chapter close and just focus on the children that I do have. No more looking for embryos. No more saving money for treatments. No more comparing medication prices. Just living.
What will it be like to make decisions based on what we do have and not what could be? We can focus on buying a house. We can buy a vehicle that fits our needs and not for the children we might have. One day. But for the kids that we actually do have. We can take vacations again. I can return to work once the kids are in school. No worrying about taking time off for testing, treatments and transfers. Just living in the here and now.
I am scared to close this chapter so completely. Yet I am excited too! I will need to learn how to be this new person but I think that I will enjoy learning. :)
We also have two embryos remaining and I feel very similar to what you described. It will be very bittersweet to close this chapter but also nice to focus on this amazing family we've been so blessed with. What a journey! Also congrats on reaching 31wks....SO exciting!!
ReplyDeleteSounds like the beginning of an amazing new chapter!
ReplyDeleteAlthough I'm not at that point yet, I have done a lot of thinking about this too. I hope you find nothing but joy and amazement as you raise your beautiful kids with your hubby. :)
ReplyDeleteWe had 4 embryos left after we were 99% sure we were done. No point in keeping them frozen year after year. I had them transferred at the appropriate time and with no medications. I knew what the outcome would be, but you know - it was a hail mary pass. No miracle. It was the end of the line and I grieved just a little bit more and then we moved onto the adoption journey. Which brought us a child I'm pretty sure we couldn't make he's so amazing. In any case, no matter the outcome, the next steps you take will bring you amazing things.
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