Is she really almost 2 years old?

Maddie will be 21 months on the 25th. That means in 3 months she will be 2 years old. Where did my baby go? I have cherished this time and wish that I could rewind or even play parts of in slow motion. I may never get to do this again and hate to see time pass so quickly.  She is now a kid. A child with opinions. She is talking more every day. She takes her shoes off and puts them away without being told. She plays alone in her room. She throws her diapers away. She helps her cousin with her bottle. She has her favorite shows, Boo's Coos (Blue's Clues), Go! (Go, Diego, Go!) and Buppies (Bubble Guppies, my personal fave. "What time is it? Its time for lunch!" and "Everybody line up, line up, line!"). She is an individual. It is crazy!!! But I love to watch her grow and mature.

Now, what to do for her party? I am not a "theme" person. I like it coordinated and a color theme, but not like a character theme. But it is not about me, but Maddie. And she loves Elmo. A lot! So we may do an Elmo theme as much as it pains me. But I already have her outfit and it is not Elmo. Is that okay? Or do I need to get her a new outfit? Or scratch the theme? What to do? What to do?? Whatever I am going to do I want to get started soon. I love party planning and like to make things myself and need time to work on it. I just can't believe I am even thinking about this already. She just turned one! Time really does fly!

allowing myself to get excited

We have been hoping to pursue EA again this year and try for baby number two (and maybe three). Hubby has been super excited and can't wait to get started but I have been a bit reserved. Life has ca-razy!!! I am caring for my nieces and Maddie all day, taking hubby to therapy most days, working my ministries at church, and taking care of hubby as he has a soft cast on his leg right now. All of Maddie's care and the house and everything is falling to me right now. And Maddie is just starting to sleep better, but barely. Just the thoughts of getting started in the process is overwhelming to me. I know that we will be on a wait list for up to 6 months but I just can't think about it right now.

Then this week things eased up a bit and I think that I might be ready to make that call and schedule my phone consult. I even started looking at some maternity clothes and baby stuff again. It is kind of exciting! But scary as there is no guarantee that it will work. But I can't think like that. Just one step at a time!

My love/hate with Mother's Day

For some reason I always assumed that once I got pregnant or adopted that I would embrace Mother's Day. I thought that I would anticipate the day, wake up with a smile that morning. I would be "in the club". Yet that is not the case. I no longer hate the day, but I don't love it either. It is difficult to love a day that so many dread. It is a bit like being married 9/11/00, before 9/11. Each time you state your anniversary date you hope that the person asking did not lose someone that day. Like it feels "wrong" to have enjoy that date while so many people lost loved ones. Mother's Day is a bit like that. When I hear someone wish a woman (a stranger) "Happy Mother's Day" my heart immediately skips a beat as I look at her face to see if she is trying to hide her pain. Has she lost her own mother? Is she dealing with infertility? The loss of a child? Does my joy cause her grief? Does she feel her heart shatter when she sees Maddie grab my face and give me a kiss and call me Momma? It hurts my heart to know that I now may cause others pain.


 I love the idea of Mother's Day as a mother's job is never ending. It is often a thankless job and mom's deserve to be recognized and honored on a day all their own. I just wish that it didn't come with a price to another. The days before Maddie were hard, but Mother's Day the hardest of them all. I would wake with a heavy heart and tears in my eyes. Many times I did not get dressed and vegged in front of the television stuffing my face. How can I now celebrate the same day? How do I ignore the person that I was and embrace the one that I am now? In reality I can't. The two people have become one. I will never forget those years of waiting and the truth is I don't want to forget. It are those memories that make me who I am today. Infertility has taught me compassion, empathy, and patience. I am a kinder person for having gone through it all. So this, my second Mother's Day, I will celebrate my own mother, my daughter and the journey that brought me to to her. But I will also take time to pray for those hurting and I hope that you will join me.

Maddie is my "never"

After so many years of infertility I never thought that we would actually have a child so in that way Maddie is my "never". But she is my "never" in another way as well. Before having a child of my own I made many statements about what I would "never" do or allow. Maddie has tested almost every theory I had! I said that I would never allow a baby to have a bottle past her 1st birthday. Maddie had one until she was 18 months old. I said I would never let a child sleep with me. Yep, Maddie is in our bed at least half of the night. And tantrums? I was never going to allow those. Ha! Maddie has definitely shown me!! It is funny how I was able to be strict with any and every child that I cared for as a daycare worker, a nanny, and watching kids in my home yet I totally cave when Maddie challenges me. Not every time but man, this kid pushes boundaries. But I gotta say, I love this little terror. Maddie will be 21 months this month. She is talking a lot and learning new things every day. While I enjoy this stage immensely I miss my "baby". I have baby fever like crazy right now. Crazy being the operative word here. Maddie still does not sleep through the night and the thoughts of having two kids waking me every night is enough to cause me to crawl into the fetal position and look for a happy place. Yet I still want another bambino. I little, bitty squishy baby. I want another one of those! Yet I feel guilty for wanting to try again when there are so many still waiting for one. But I know that me having a child does not change what happens to another infertile. We all have our own unique path to walk and each step is our own. But I want to make it all fair and every infertile have one before anyone can have a second one. But I don't get that choice, though I wish I did. So we will take the next step for us this summer and see where it leads us. Praying that it is to a sibling for miss Maddie.