We infertiles get asked questions or hear advice all of the time about our childless state. More often than not we smile and sweetly answer with rehearsed answers. So today I am going to translate these answers for you into what we are really thinking.
When you (you here refers to mere myrtles) ask us......
Q: Do you have any children?
A: No, not yet.
Translation: No, I don't. But thanks for bringing up that painful part of my life.
Q: Why don't you have children?
A: We are waiting on God.
Translation: Because we are infertile, stupid! Besides, if we did, what stupid question would you ask then?
Q: Is there something wrong with you?
A: We have some fertility issues.
Translation: My eggs are beginning to expire and his swimmers are directionally impaired. And that just skims the surface of our issues. But the only thing wrong with me are morons that ask stupid questions.
Q: Are you doing it right? (yes, I have really been asked this)
A: I am sure that we are.
Translation: Hmmm....I don't know. Would you like to demonstrate???
Q: What are you waiting for? You're not getting any younger.
A: We are waiting on God.
Translation: I am aging??? No way!!! Fertility goes down as we age? Seriously?? Why didn't one of my many fertility specialists ever tell me this? I had better hurry up and get pregnant!
Q: Why don't you just adopt?
A: It is an option that we are considering.
Translation: Sure, let me head down to the baby store and just pick one out. Do you have $20k to help me pay for it? And how would you like your whole personal life on display to the agency, birth mother, case worker and judge. Sounds like so much fun I wish that I had thought of it!
Advice: You should just adopt and then you will get pg. It happened to so and so.
A: Yes, I have heard that happens sometimes.
Translation: First of all, I don't care if your aunt Edna's second cousin's boyfriend's brother's niece got pg after she adopted. Second, the statistics of that happening are slim. And third, this thinking negates the adopted baby's importance.
Q: Why don't you try IVF? My cousin did and she has twins.
A: We are praying about what God wants us to do.
Translation: Why, I ain't never heared of no iee-vee-eff. Is that some sort of new fangled voo-doo? Of course I have considered IVF. There is just a little problem in the amount of $15,000. Oh wait! I just found some money in my back pocket. Yep, that should cover it.
Advice: Relax! It will happen.
A: Smile and nod.
Translation: Really??? That is all that it takes? No more ovulation tests? No more drugs? No more shots in my butt??? Woo Hoo!!! All I need is a vacation and I will get pg. Hawaii, here I come. I can't believe that I didn't know about this 11 years ago!
Advice: Maybe you have some unconfessed sin in your life.
A: I will look into that.
Translation: Did you really just say something that stupid?!?!? So by your way of thinking that crack whore who just had her 5th child by the 4th baby daddy (probably a john while she was hooking) is sinless? Wow! Nice to know!
Advice: I know what you are going through. It took us 6 months to concieve our second one and almost a year for number four. Just be patient
A: Smile and nod
Translation: Wow! You really do know what I am going through!! My 11 years of temps, charting, blood work, samples, inseminations, shots, ultrasounds, surgeries, tears and heartbreak is just like your 6 months of unprotected sex! I am so glad to have found someone that truly understands my pain.
Q: Here, just take mine then you won't want any of your own.
A: ha ha
Translation: If I smack you will I go to jail? If so, for how long? It might be worth it.