Control....and the lack thereof

Yesterday I had my consult with the new RE. During the discussion of protocol I asked about heparin as I had used did the last time. He did not use it as standard practice and wanted to know why I used it. There really was no good answer. My previous RE had mentioned me using it during our consult as a way to combat thyroid related miscarriages. When I had received my medication list it was not included. I asked about it and he seemed confused as to why I would want to include heparin and did remember his earlier intention of using it. We included it in my protocol and since it was successful I have a hard time not using it this time. The RE said that all people suffering with infertility deal with this same issue, lack of control. I was surprised to hear him say that! I honestly did not think that they "got it". They stand there with the equipment and knowledge to give us the chance to do something our bodies fail to do and they have so much control. To understand that we have NO control was great to hear. It showed that he cared enough about his patients to try to empathize with them.

He went on to explain that some things that people want to try are more of a hindrance than a help and heparin is on that category. He said "Just because you were wearing red shoes the first time you got pregnant doesn't mean wearing red shoes again will work." I said "It depends on just how sexy those red shoes are!". He laughed and we agreed to no heparin. I gave up that teeny tiny bit of control I thought I had.

In many ways this is an exercise in faith. I have to relinquish my control of the situation and give it all to God. I have faith in so many areas of my life, but this one I struggle the most. Probably because I have seen so many go through treatments only to get a BFN or to miscarry. It seems so wrong, so unfair for that to happen to anyone but especially to someone that has spent so much time and money to get pregnant. But I am trusting Him and that may mean a baby or it may not. Though I am praying it means we will have a baby or two!