Control....and the lack thereof

Yesterday I had my consult with the new RE. During the discussion of protocol I asked about heparin as I had used did the last time. He did not use it as standard practice and wanted to know why I used it. There really was no good answer. My previous RE had mentioned me using it during our consult as a way to combat thyroid related miscarriages. When I had received my medication list it was not included. I asked about it and he seemed confused as to why I would want to include heparin and did remember his earlier intention of using it. We included it in my protocol and since it was successful I have a hard time not using it this time. The RE said that all people suffering with infertility deal with this same issue, lack of control. I was surprised to hear him say that! I honestly did not think that they "got it". They stand there with the equipment and knowledge to give us the chance to do something our bodies fail to do and they have so much control. To understand that we have NO control was great to hear. It showed that he cared enough about his patients to try to empathize with them.

He went on to explain that some things that people want to try are more of a hindrance than a help and heparin is on that category. He said "Just because you were wearing red shoes the first time you got pregnant doesn't mean wearing red shoes again will work." I said "It depends on just how sexy those red shoes are!". He laughed and we agreed to no heparin. I gave up that teeny tiny bit of control I thought I had.

In many ways this is an exercise in faith. I have to relinquish my control of the situation and give it all to God. I have faith in so many areas of my life, but this one I struggle the most. Probably because I have seen so many go through treatments only to get a BFN or to miscarry. It seems so wrong, so unfair for that to happen to anyone but especially to someone that has spent so much time and money to get pregnant. But I am trusting Him and that may mean a baby or it may not. Though I am praying it means we will have a baby or two!

Consult today. Great news!!!

Today I had my phone consult with the RE in FL. It went great! He was funny, personable and very kind. He explained everything very clearly (though I knew most of it as we have done it before) and went over my health history. Everything looked good so he said we were a go and in a day or two the coordinator will be calling me to the choose embryos, schedule my SHG here locally and order my blood work. I should have the SHG done in the middle of September then we begin the meds. FET should me sometime in October or early November!!

Another great bit of news is that I will only have to make 1 trip, not two!! This is fantastic news!!! It will same us time and money which is always a good thing.

I am so excited right now I can hardly stand it!

and here we go......

Monday is my phone consult with the RE at the clinic in Florida. After that we talk to the donor coordinator and start looking at embryos. I am sure that the pre-testing will begin as well. Scarya nd exciting all wrapped in one! :)

first official expense

This is a receipt for the paperwork that I mailed to the clinic today. It is now official! We are are on our way to ttc baby number 2. We have decided to go with the clinic in Jacksonville. We chose them for a few different reasons, one of which is that there is no wait at this time. We should be able to get started very shortly. Well, as "shortly" as anything infertility related goes. Once they receive my medical records and new patient forms someone will call me to schedule my phone consult. From there I will do any testing and begin choosing our embryos. ***And Chelle, to answer your question, they do have several sets of mixed race embryos currently available**. And then it is just a matter of scheduling, getting my meds, and traveling. We are hoping that we will be ready by November at the latest, maybe even October.

When I spoke to the clinic last week I told them that I needed to get back with them before we scheduled anything. I have been so torn on which clinic to choose. Last time everything just fell into place without much effort on my part. This time we have too many decisions to make. But as soon as I hung up I felt like this was the place to go. DH told me to call right back and get started and I did. Then I asked to speak to the financial office again to clarify something and my original estimate was off by about $500. And I might have to travel twice. Then I began to doubt. Is God really going to provide the money needed? Is this the right place? Is this a sign to look elsewhere? Doubts just flooded my mind. Then I was angry that finances was even a consideration. Teenagers get pregnant for free every day. Crack whores make money while getting pregnant. And I have to pay. And pay a lot! Then I felt guilty. God HAS provided the money for us and I need to just rest in Him.

We received an inheritance from my MIL's estate. Not a large one by any means, but enough to get a new used vehicle, pay off some bills and try EA again. The problem that I am struggling with is that the more we spend on EA the less we have for bills. Hubby racked up some medical bills over the last year and we want to get all of that paid off. But we may not be able to. And that is okay. I would rather make payments on the bills and try for a baby now. So I am learning to be thankful and patient. Thankfulness is not so difficult, but that patience one is HARD!

So sit back, buckle up and let's enjoy this ride together!! I could really use the support! ;)

One step closer....

I finally heard from the clinic today. Their program sounds great but there are still two details that I need to know before a decision is made: how many trips are required and the cost breakdown. The coordinator did not have the financial information and passed it along to the person that does and she is supposed to call "in the next day or so". I will call her tomorrow. I am ready to get moving on this. Oh, and the best part about this clinic is that they have 20 sets of embryos currently available and while some are mixed race there are several caucasion ones (our only criteria) and once we have our phone consult we can get started. I like this!!!! I also like that we can reserve all of the embryos in the batch for future use if we so choose. You don't find this very often with anonymous programs. Actually, I have not seen this before.

So we wait...again. But hopefully only a few more days.

Communication....or the lack thereof

We all have pet peeves. Some hate nail biting. Others hate incorrect use of words. I have one. Okay, I have several (I am quite picky) but the one that is probably my biggest pet peeve is non-communication. Several years ago I was the asst. manager of an optical office. My "boss" was a 22 year old kid that I did not get paid enough to babysit. He was also one of those that never returned calls or forgot to call to inform patients that their glasses were ready. I hated for him to answer the phone because I knew that if it was something that needed a return phone call it was not going to happen and then I would have to try to take care of it. I feel that if you work in customer service, or just if you are a decent human being, you should communicate. I was not perfect but I tried my dead level best to return calls.

Since we started this journey for baby number two back in February we have met more than our fair share of bad communicators. And it is DRIVING ME CRAZY!!! The whole things started with the first donor couple I met through Miracles Waiting. We started with emails and we both responded very quickly. I was completely honest about anything and everything concerning our lives so that there were no surprises. We spoke on the phone and she "chose" us though she was preferring someone that could do the FET right away (we knew it would be about 6 months). I did tell her that if at any time she needed to choose a different couple that could do the FET now that I understood but asked that she please inform me right away and she assured me that we were "the ones" but promised to communicate.

So things began moving forward and I was speaking with the coordinator at her clinic to get things started. Here we found communication to be an issue. The coordinator was bad about returning calls. So I emailed and while she would respond it was only to answer half of the questions I had asked. Or she would refer me to someone else in the clinic and I would have to bounce around, never really getting answers. Then one day I was told that the clinic was getting "conflicting information" from the donor couple. I was floored. I emailed them and........nothing.

I posted soon after about this and that day I received an email from another woman that had embryos and she really felt that our family was a great fit. The story went much like the one above. At that time hubby and I decided to quit all attempts at a known donation and to return to anonymous as we had done previously. My heart was a bit sad at this as I had hoped to have a relationship with the donor couple. But I was so done with this lack of communication.

Fast forward to now. We are ready to go! We just need to decide which clinic to go with and there are two that we really like.  One I am not sure of the details so I called last Wednesday and left a message for the donor coordinator. Her voicemail states that she will return your call within 24-48 hours. Late Thursday I tried to reach her a second time and I was then informed that she was out of the office until Monday. On Monday I called again and left yet another message. Then I went to the internet to search out reviews of this clinic and while a lot was really good there were several people that mentioned how difficult it was to reach the donor coordinator. Some as far back as 2008. This really bothers me. How am I supposed to trust this clinic if they cannot return simple phone calls? The other clinic we are considering has been great about calling back and for that reason we will most likely go there.

Now I must go. I need to call the car dealership that has yet to return our 3 phone inquiries regarding a van that they have for sale.

I made "the call" today

It is time. Time to start for baby number two (and maybe even three....yikes). We have the money and we are ready to go. Now we must decide which clinic we are going to use. It is a toss up between Jacksonville Fertility Clinic and the Fertility and Surgical Associates. I have spoken with the second one and like them a lot. The first one I called today and am waiting to hear back. The only information I have on the Jacksonville one from another patient. If what I have been told is true (you get all of the embryos and if the first try is unsuccessful you pay $1400 for subsequent tries with all of the embryos in the batch) then this is the one we are leaning towards. Both of them have about the same initial fees. Now I need confirmation on the their program and to know the wait times before we decide.

I am a bit nervous to start this whole process again. What if it doesn't work? What if it does and we have triplets?? Well, whatever the outcome we are ready to try again.