A Greater Yes: Our Story of Embryo Adoption

IF is always unfair, isn't it??

2012-02-13T15:26:00.000-08:00

Let me preface this post by saying that I am very thankful for my daughter and very thankful for the opportunity to try for baby #2 (and maybe #3).

Now, onto infertility unfairness. Last week I placed a call with the RE's office that I will need to go to for the FET. It is where the embryos are currently stored. I called on Tuesday and left a message. Apparently this was not the person that I was to speak with as they called back and referred me to another person. That was Wednesday. A message was given to the new person that same day and I called again on Friday to leave a voice mail. Nothing. I am still waiting. And I am irritated. This new person is only in the office 3 days a week so I have to wait to call her later in the week.

At this point there is nothing that I can do to further the process. I have no idea what local clinic they will allow me to work with. I know that we need a psych evaluation but am not sure the specifications on that. I am sure that we will both need blood work and I would like to at least get started on that. And I have a history of polyps and would like to get checked a surgery date scheduled if needed. But instead I am sitting here twiddling my thumbs, waiting.

Then I started thinking about all that must be done before I even get a chance at a pregnancy. And a chance is all that it is. There are no guarantees. We all go through so much! The tests, the pokes, the prods, the surgeries, the travel time. It really can be so overwhelming!!! I wonder if people really understand just how strong you have to be to be infertile!

While it really is unfair I try to remind myself that even if it does not work it will be okay. God is in control and it will be fine. I will be sad, but I will be fine.

Updates on, well, everything

2012-02-07T18:13:00.000-08:00

*This past Saturday was my MIL's memorial. It went very well. I was worried about the 10 hour trip with Maddie but we bought her a mobile DVD and it was the best investment EVER!!! Maddie kept everyone laughing which was what we needed.

*I posted before that I have never met my real dad. He contacted me via FB and wants to meet. I put it off for a few months and finally called him tonight. We will be meeting on Saturday. Not sure how I feel about it.

*I called the clinic for our upcoming FET (hopefully in a few months) and left a message. She should call me tomorrow with details. I have started taking my folic acid in preparation. It feels good to be doing something.

*We found out that hubby has a severe vitamin D deficiency. The worst that the doc has ever seen. This could be part of the reason that he is having trouble losing weight. His testosterone is low too and he is being referred to an endocrinologist. This can hinder weight loss too. He had it checked a few years ago by a urologist for fertility issues and they dismissed it as being caused by weight issues. The doc is not sure so she wants him to be thoroughly checked. Maybe this will help with his spermies too. With my luck we will have twins with the FET then I will start popping out kids like a fertile after that! LOL A girl can dream, can't she?!?!

*Maddie has started talking which is a relief. We have been worried about that but she decided over the weekend to tell me "no, no", "get out", and "up". All said during the memorial service. Crazy kid!

I think that about sums things up. I will update once I talk to the clinic coordinator about EA.

MIL's memorial

2012-02-01T13:48:00.000-08:00

On December 29th we said goodbye to my MIL. She was 80 years old and ready to see Jesus. This Saturday we will have her memorial service back in hubby's hone town. We have not been home for about a year and it will be so difficult knowing she will not be there. Hubby will be speaking and his niece and I will be making a memorial collage of her life. Hubby and I were looking through photos last night and we laughed. We cried. We missed her. I really wish that Maddie would have had time to know her. But her legacy will live on and we will tell Maddie all about her

Please pray for my hubby as he speaks. And for us as we travel. This will be a very long trip for us with Maddie.

They chose us!

2012-01-31T08:00:00.000-08:00

I called the donor mom yesterday and we spoke for well over an hour. It was amazing! We got along very well and we just "clicked". She told us that two of the embryos are ready for us when we are. I was floored! I thought that we would email for awhile and then they will let us know, not choose us right on the spot. She had been praying for the right family and as we talked she felt that this was "right". All of the families that she is drawn to are in the same state as us which is neat. They have 5 embryos and want either two families, one to take 2 and one to take 3. Or 3 families with 2, 2, and 1. We will be getting two. They are excellent grade embryos and the clinic is giving them an 80% chance of survival so that is great. But am I ready for the responsibility of twins???

I am in total shock over this whole situation. We were not looking for this at all. At least not now. I have no idea what God has in mind right now. Well, I guess THIS is what He has in mind for us. Holy cow! How did this happen?!?!? LOL

Right now we will continue communicating and exchanging photos and information. She is going to send me the contract that they used the first time with the other couple and we will tweak it to fit us. They are open to whatever level of openness we want and I am still struggling with that. If it were not for us having Maddie through an anonymous donation I wouldn't even think twice about it all, but having Maddie changes it a bit for us. I never, ever, ever want Maddie to feel left out and we are going to pray about how to proceed. Currently the two couples exchange Christmas and birthday gifts as well as photos and emails throughout the year. I am fine with emails and photos and even birthday gifts, maybe. But not Christmas. I don't want the new child(ren) to get gifts and Maddie not to. I could ask that Maddie be included but honestly, there are already 4 children of this batch and the potential for 5 more. That is 9 kids to keep up with and I just don't have the time to do all of that. So this area may need to be defined. But other than that everything looks great.

So here we go again! AAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

Maybe a match!

2012-01-30T07:39:00.000-08:00

Okay, so when I posted that we were starting to look for clinics I also had a plan. It was to compile a list of clinics that had ED programs along with their prices and approxomate wait times. I would place them all in a file to be brought out when we the house sold and we knew that the money would be coming in a month or two. Then we would contact the clinics and get started. That was my plan. God may have other ideas and I really don't know where this is all going to lead.

Here is what is going on. While searching for clinics I decided to log on to Miracles Waiting. I have an account there but took our profile off in 2009 when we decided to go with a local clinic. Back then I would email donors and rarely received a response. Many ads were either matched or old and outdated. I just thought that I would look over there and see if there was a huge increase in donor profiles or not. There wasn't. But that was okay because remember my plan that I mentioned? I wasn't looking for an open donation. Not that I wouldn't prefer an open donation but anonynous is easier, less expensive (sometimes) and that is what we did with Maddie. So MY plan was anonymous again. But curiousity brought me to MW and I read a few ads. Two were new ones and there was nothing about them that said "Oh, this is perfect" or "wow, their children look just like Maddie and would be a great match" or anything like that. But one kept drawing me and I felt prompted to respond. So I did and thought that I might get a response in a week or two telling me that they were no longer available. Instead I received an immediate response asking for more info. I did and then another email asking me to call on Monday.

The couple have already donated 2 embryos and the recipients live near me. The donor family live out of state but are planning a move near us. Kind of neat! So I will call her this afternoon. I have NO idea what may come of this. It is nowhere near what I was "planning" at all. The timing is wrong, it is not anonymous, and I just didn't plan" for it to happen like this. And it may not. But it might! So now we take it one step at a time and pray! So pray with us please!!!

PS: KellyL I need a link to your blog please! I saw your response to my last post but don't have a link to your blog. Thanks!

Holy Cow! We might be ready!!!

2012-01-26T17:56:00.000-08:00

As most of us know finances play such a huge part in an infertile's baby making decisions. It has been our biggest obstacle through the years. It was an amazing act of God that allowed us to do our first FET that gave us Maddie. We have been wanting to try again but financial issues have stopped us in our tracks. A few months ago I thought that maybe we would be ready soon so I started looking for a new clinic with an ED program but after some unexpected medical bills I stopped looking. I felt that it just wasn't the right time. Fast forward to last month.

On December 29th my MIL passed away. Though it was expected it was still difficult. She was 80 years old and had dementia and Alzheimer's. She was one the greatest Christians I have ever known. But in her passing is the possibility of trying for another child. My hubby is one of 5 siblings and their mother's house is to be sold and the proceeds split between them. We heard tonight that one of his brothers is wanting to buy the house and is trying to get a loan. The amount that we receive will not be a whole lot but enough for us to try embryo donation again. I knew that her house would be put on the market soon and that we would receive money after it sold, but it never occurred to me that it could happen so soon! When my hubby told me that the house may sell soon his first thought was to try for another baby. I love that man!!

This is all tentative at this point and honestly I am okay with that. I want it to happen in His timing. Though I will admit that if it happens soon I will be over the moon happy!! So now I need to start researching again. There is no clinic near me with an ED program so we have to start over and most likely travel. Unless someone has some they want to ship to me! ;-) There are a few that I have found that look promising. One is just minutes from hubby's family and that would be great as we can stay with them during the FET. AHHHHHH!!!! I am starting to get excited!!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Calling it quits!

2012-01-26T02:01:00.001-08:00

My cloth diapering days are over. We have had a good run but it is time to say goodbye. I have been CDing about 75% of the time mainly because I have had trouble with night time leaks. And I use sposies when out and about. Maddie is a heavy wetter and needs changed often and I didn't have the patience to cart around a ton of stuff for just an hour or two of running errands. At home we mainly used cloth though. This past week I have used cloth almost exclusively because I ran out of sposies and wanted to try to switch to just cloth. I hate spending money on sposies, really I do! So I gave it the ole college try. And it broke me.

My main issues are leaks and ammonia. First, the leaks. Maddie has to be changed every 1-2 hours. I know that 2 hours is average, but less becomes very time consuming. If it went past 2 hours her clothing was completely soaked. And even when I changed her ever hour I would still find her clothes wet. I have tried Flips (which gave me about 2-2.5 hours) BG AIO, Kawaii pockets, prefolds and covers, adding hemp liners to all of the above, and a few other types of dipes. Nothing really worked. Maddie just pees all of the time!!! And I know that part of the reason for this is that she still takes a bottle. Yes, I know that she is too old. Yes, I know that I need to break her from it. Believe me, I have tried. Every time that I do something happens that makes it even more difficult (she had strep, then the flu, then I had the flu, then hubby was in the hospital, etc). Hubby being in the hospital really made it a lot worse. While she liked it before she became obsessed with it after that. It became her security blanket. But I digress.....back to diapers......

My other issue is ammonia. I have found that I can get rid of it, but not for long. And the way that I know that it has returned is by not only the smell, but by burns on Maddie's bottom. Usually there is just some redness, but this morning she has a blister. :( I feel awful! She went to bed at 7:30 last night (early for her) and woke up at 2 am ready for the day. I had hoped that she would go back to sleep so I kept everything quiet and didn't change her. She was so fussy and crabby and obviously not going back to sleep so I changed her diaper. Her bottom was so red and sore that she cried when I tried to wipe her off. I cleaned her off and lathered her up with coconut oil and used my last sposie on her. Today I will use the ammonia remover, strip and wash the diapers then I will list them on Craigslist.

I am sad to say goodbye to CDing. I gave up on breastfeeding and regretted it. Now I am giving up on cloth as well. I know that it really is no big deal and that I will be happier with sposies, but I feel like I am a failure. It is weird to feel this way. I think that it goes back to all of the ideals I had while pregnant. Even before that too. When it takes you a bagillion years to get pg you have a lot of time to dream about what kind of mom you are going to be, all of the things you want to do. Breastfeeding and CDing were things that I was so certain were right for us. I still think that breastfeeding was and had I not had a migraine for 8 weeks I probably would have stuck it out, but cloth is so not important. But as moms we want to be "perfect" and in my perfect world I used cloth. Silly, I know. But I will get over it!

So today I say goodbye to my cloth. I will miss the money it saved me and the cute fluffy butt it gave Maddie, but it is time. Bye bye fluff!!!

Fertile couples and ED/A

2012-01-25T06:31:00.000-08:00

I am a member of baby.center.com and there is an EA board on there. A woman posted on there looking for answers and opinions. She was a very kind woman that has a heart for others. She has 2 children of her own and has no fertility issues at all. She had easy pregnancies and wants more children. So why was she posting there? Because she wanted to help and thought that through EA should could. She and her dh originally wanted to adopt a child through domestic adoption but was shocked to learn that there are so many waiting couples and so few babies available. She had many unkind things said to her by friends and family members stating that she had no right to "take" a baby from a family that had no other way to have one. She was hurt by some of the comments, but saw what they were saying was true in regard to so many waiting families so she began to look elsewhere.

She then heard about the 400,000+ embryos that are currently frozen. She thought that this would be a great way to not only add to her family but a way to help as well. As she began to research she found that while there are many still frozen the majority of them are not available for adoption/donation. She asked if it was really true that couples have to wait for embryos and while we were all very kind we assured her that was a shortage of embryos at this time.

I have heard people use the statistics of how many waiting embryos there are and have asked couples to stand up and help these little snowflakes, give them a chance at life. While I agree with giving them a chance, I disagree with using these statistics so flippantly. A lot of people have a good heart and a desire to help and hearing about so many embryos that may be destroyed if they don't do something about it will prompt many to action. But being that there are not a lot of available embryos this could cause an even greater shortage to those that have no other options to complete their family.

While I would never tell someone that was easily able to have their own children to never adopt an infant or an embryo, I do hope that they do so only because this is how they honestly feel that they should complete their family. If they want to fill a need then maybe adopt an older child or a sibling group. This is the area where there is a great need. This is what I responded to the member on Baby center. I told her that I applauded her for wanting to do help, but that the truth is there are many more waiting couples than there are available embies. And that if this is something that she felt called to do then by all means proceed, but if it was to "help" that maybe another option would be a better choice for her and her family.

The whole idea of using these statistics bothers me as it is misleading. I would hate to see couples consider EA just to "save" the embryos. Maybe there will come a time that there are too many embryos available and too few couples. But until then I hope that fertile couples will not be encouraged to use the limited number that are available at this time just for the sake of helping them.

What are your thoughts on this?

Abortion is not just about the baby

2012-01-24T15:31:00.000-08:00

January 22nd marks the anniversary of Roe V Wade. Honestly, I did not now that until I was reading a blog today and it prompted me to look up March For Life. It is a date that I should know. It is a date that changed our nation forever. I think that being infertile makes abortion a sore spot with me. I am pro-life. Always have been. Always will be. If you have read my blog at all you know this. However, I do not support some of the craziness out there. I do support harming abortion workers or doctors. I do not protest clinics or spout hatred to those entering abortion clinics. I am sure that if Jesus were here he would not participate in it either. And while I am pro-life I also support the life of the mother as well. I support a woman having the option to abort if her life is in jeopardy or if she has an ectopic pregnancy. What I do not support is abortion for those that are pregnant as a result of rape or incest. This is where many pro-lifers disagree and today this post is NOT to debate that issue. We can agree to disagree.

I have always been pro-life but once I became infertile I also became......negative towards those that found themselves in the position to need an abortion. I thought, seriously, how do you get pregnant when you don't want to? There are so many free resources out there for contraceptives. Many available in your public schools and even gas station bathrooms. I spouted the "give the baby up for adoption" rhetoric without thought or consideration to the repercussions of the decision. As I got older and and as the pain of infertility changed me I began to see that it was not all black and white. Yes, I believe that abortion is wrong, but no, I no longer believe that those considering it are horrible people. I also realized that, as a Christian, I have not done my part. I do not believe that any woman should be coerced into placing a child for adoption, to parent or to terminate. Yet I think that many of us staunchly PLers come across as though we do not care. We preach "don't abort" yet we provide no help, no resources, no support. It is reprehensible. I am at fault as well and am praying that I can find a way to volunteer in a crisis pregnancy center. I am not sure if I am ready for that, but I am at least willing to pray and consider it. At the very least I can donate baby items for those that do choose to parent and need help.

If you have a moment please stop over and read this blog post A Tragedy All Around . It prompted me to post this as well as challenged me to get involved. It is a very well written post from someone that not only talks about change but does something as well.

capturing memories

2012-01-21T07:13:00.000-08:00

Maddie is at that age where just about everything she does is adorable. The climbing and destruction, not so much. But everything else is. I wish the days came with a pause and slow motion option so that I could make it last longer. Since I can't freeze time I am trying to find creative ways to capture the memories. I will share what I am doing and you can share what you do so I can steal your ideas as well.

*Photos. Obviously! And lots of them.

*Photo books. One for the pregnancy and birth and one for each year.

*Video. Hubby is making a dvd of video clips and photos and we will put the video in the back of her book.

*A baby book.

*Memory book. This is a book I started where I write down funny things that she says and does. This way we can go back through it one day and remember all of the little things that were important to us at the time.

So what do you do?

week one down!

2012-01-14T07:13:00.000-08:00

So this is the end (or close to) of week one of our diet. I must admit, it ain't too bad! We are eating well and never hungry. And I am satisfied and don't feel deprived. This is huge for me as I am usually drooling over food commercials the entire time I diet. And I haven't even had a craving for Pepsi which is just.....wrong. But good. I hope to weigh myself in another week to see if I have lost anything yet. I really need to start taking my thyroid meds again though or it will all be for naught.

Bring on week 2!

new squishies....I want one!

2012-01-12T12:28:00.000-08:00

Yesterday friends of ours welcomed boy/girl twins into the world. I am so incredibly happy for them. Partly because we love them and want them to be happy, but also partly because they struggled a bit. I never want anyone to struggle, but when they do I really rejoice when they do succeed. So far I have not met the new squishy little babies, I have just seen photos. They are soooo adorable!!! I just want to squeeze them! I was supposed to go see them today but I have a nasty cough so I will have to wait. *insert sad face*

Hubby and I were together when we got the text that they were born and saw the photos. We both looked at the photos with such longing. We want another baby. Badly!! It just won't be happening anytime soon. We are hoping for early next year. This could change as his mom (who passed away last month) left us part of her estate which is mainly her house. It will be put up for sale soon and we plan to use some of that to try again. The money will be split between 5 kids so there won't be a whole lot, but enough for another FET. I hope. But we are leaving it in His hands. I will admit that I am praying that it happens sooner rather than later. Though giving up my sleep again is not something that I look forward to.

I cheated

2012-01-10T05:14:00.000-08:00

Day one and I caved. I was grocery shopping, armed with my list of healthy foods, when I passed some chocolate covered graham crackers. Not the yucky kind the elves make, but real ones. And they were on clearance from Christmas. Hand dipped chocolate covered graham crackers for cheap....chocolate and a deal....I just couldn't pass them up. In the parking lot I ate one. And then another on my way home. I didn't tell hubby. I am now a closet eater. I hid them in the freezer so he wouldn't see them and so I wouldn't eat the whole bag. I wanted one last night but I was afraid he would catch me. I sound like a crackhead!!! LOL

But other than that I did great. I tried to drink the last of a bottle of soda but with eating everything else healthy it tasted to sweet so I poured it out. I stuck to one coffee and the rest water. It was not too bad. Eating healthy will grow on me. I hope!

D Day

2012-01-09T11:26:00.000-08:00

Diet day. Just saying those words makes me die a little inside. Why? Because diets and donuts don't mix. And I like donuts. And Pep.si. And Star.bucks. Anything Starb.ucks. They will have SB in heaven. Did you know that? I am sure that I read that in the Bible somewhere. But SB, donuts and soda will be leaving us today. We have said our goodbyes. They will take their friends fried foods, creamy pastas, and juicy burgers and go on an adventure. I instructed them to find some skinny chick that has trouble gaining weight and attach themselves to her hips. You're welcome.

Hubby and I decided before his brush with death to make 2012 the year we get healthy. To do this we must lose weight. Yes, I wanna be a skinny hot chick, but the journey there sucks! I don't care how many times you say it, carrot sticks are NOT delish! Unless they are smothered in butter with a dash of brown sugar. Now that's good eatin'! We have just begun and I have already started having the shakes. I am watching the cooking channels like it's porn.

I have cleaned out my cabinets and given away all of the yummy goodness. I mean unhealthy death in box. I have my meals planned for the week and healthy foods now grace the pantry. While this is not a fun venture it is a necessary one. Not only do we want more children but we want to live long enough to see them, and Maddie, grown. Thankfully both of us are quite healthy. For now. With us being overweight this could change at any given time. So we are going to do something about it. Not just talk about it, but do it. Diet. I just wish it had a prettier name....

Before

2012-01-08T06:17:00.000-08:00

On a parenting board someone started a thread about what life was like before their kids were born. Everyone posted things like "I pooped in peace" or "I got to sleep in till 8 am" and the like. All nice things, I assure you. When I saw the title of the thread my first thoughts were so far from the ones that they posted. Because mine would have been so....sad....I decided not to respond to the thread at all. But if I had here is what I would have posted:

Life before Maddie was born:

* I cried myself to sleep at least one day a month, the day AF showed up.
* Babies made me sad.
* I would do everything possible to avoid the baby department at the store.
* I slept till 8 am because my house was silent.
* My life revolved around trying to get a baby instead of caring for one.
* I took long showers because they hid the tears.
* My stretch marks were from donuts.
* My life was full of love and laughter but there was something missing.

Reading the responses from the woman made me ever more grateful for the things they find annoying. I hate only getting 5 hours of sleep some nights, really I do. But I love waking up to her smile or her yelling "momma". Sure, I would like to poop in peace, who wouldn't? But an audience is the way to go! Sure, cleaning up a mess only to find 2 more waiting for you is a pain, but I am thankful for the little person making said messes. Because life before was not as fulfilling.

Does this count?

2012-01-05T18:14:00.001-08:00

I have been wanting to introduce Maddie to the potty and start potty training this spring. Does this count???

We usually have a gate up to block of the bathroom but to allow the cat access. Maddie and I were gone for the day and hubby forgot to put the gate back up. Maddie went down the hallway and I assumed that she was in her room. How wrong I was! I went to check on her and this is how I found her. Being the good mom that I am I grabbed my camera to capture this moment. Maddie had the audacity to grin and say "cheese". She was quite proud of herself. I was laughing but totally grossed out! I hosed her off and sanitized her after taking her photo. As I was taking her soaked socks off toilet water splashed all over my face. Can you saw eeewwwwwww!?!?!?! It really was nasty!!! But a great photo for her teen years.

Creating embryos for EA?

2012-01-05T08:13:00.000-08:00

When most of us think about EA we think about embryos that are sitting in a freezer, waiting for a family to rescue them. This is true.....most of the time. Recently I learned of a clinic that has eggs and sperm available and they use those to create emrbyos for couples wanting to do EA. I know that couples that have both MFI and FFI can choose to find a sperm donor and an egg donor but I was unaware that there was a clinic doing it for the purpose of EA.

This is a new concept to me and I am not really sure how I feel about it. In traditional EA you are taking already created embryos and giving them a chance at life. In this instance they are being created for the purpose of being used by various couples. I am not certain if they just create a batch and then use them with different couples, or if they are created for a specific couple or what. But is this the most ethical choice? Or is it the perfect choice as there is not "donor couple" involved?

When a couple chooses to create embryos from donor eggs and donor sperm I don't even flinch. Never have. But this idea gives me pause even though it is essentially the same thing, just the embryologists and RE's making the choices instead of the couple. Because I am not familiar with this process I am hesitant to form an opinion regarding the practice. So I come to you all. What are your thoughts? Have you heard of this? Would you consider it? Are you familiar with the process? Share your thoughts!

in the event of my death

2012-01-03T18:18:00.001-08:00

Dying is not something that I care to think about. I am not scared of death as I have a place in heaven waiting for me, but I don't like to think about leaving my loved ones behind. It is worse now that Maddie is here. Just the thoughts of leaving her saddens me. But think about it I must. It is the adult and responsible thing to do. Hubby and I have been debating who to choose for Maddie's legal guardian and it has not been easy. His family is all older and most of his siblings have grandchildren so none of them are the best choice. My family is younger but they are not in church and that is important to us. After much prayer we have decided to on friends of ours and they are the perfect choice. It is a relief to have this done.

While talking to our friends about things they asked us what we wanted Maddie to know about her conception. This stopped me in my tracks. If I were to die now her story would die with me. Hubby knows it, but not like I do. He doesn't know all of the details. The thoughts of Maddie not knowing everything is not acceptable to me. She deserves to know how she came to be, how much she was wanted, and the details of her genetic family that we know. So now I will begin writing it all down. I am planning on printing out the relevant blog posts to make into a book for her as well as a letter and all of the details that I know of her genetic family. I want her to always know that she was wanted and loved. I want her to know my heart. My love. Getting it all in writing is the way to do this.

For other EA moms, do you have it in writing? Did you make a book? Anything that you have done that is special? I am always looking for ideas.

Highlights of 2011

2011-12-31T08:04:00.001-08:00

My last post lamented the bad of this year, but in truth there was much good as well. So I thought it only right to go over the good of 2011 as well.

*Celebrated our 13th anniversary.

*DH survived sepsis, a horrible infection and an allergic reaction. All of which could have killed him.

*I heard a word that I never thought I would hear: Momma

*Good friends of ours are pregnant via IVF and have had a terrific pregnancy.

*Other good friends of ours moved near us.

*Maddie celebrated her first birthday.

But I am still looking forward to 2012!!! ;-)

ready for 2012

2011-12-29T18:57:00.000-08:00

I am so over 2011. I will be glad when it ends. It has been a very stressful year, one that I hope to leave behind and start fresh in January. This year has been one of financial setbacks, health issues for Maddie and hubby, and just......hectic! Don't get me wrong, I have much to be thankful for and truly I am! But I have not had the time to enjoy my blessings. I feel like I rarely have to just sit. Yet I never get anything done. Go figure! I don't even know how that is possible.

Next year looks to be crazy too, but I am prepared for it. Hubby is coming off the road (travels for his job) and will be working from home. This will mean a pay cut and perhaps more financial stress, but it is necessary. We needs to get his health and weight under control and doing that on the road is impossible. He has a large lymphodema on his leg (caused from 8 bouts of cellulitis) and it has grown to the point that walking is becoming a challenge. We have been seeking help from medical professionals for years now regarding it and have yet to find answers. We think that we have found some answers in the form of lymphatic therapy as well as a new integrative doctor that does both traditional and natural medicine. She is an M.D. and not just a quack that read a few books and calls herself a doctor. We are excited to meet her this Friday and be able to get started on living a healthier life.

Next year I am also going to get organized. When I worked I was borderline OCD about my workspace. Okay, who I am I kidding? I was a total control freak and completely OCD about things. If you moved something I went all psycho on you! Yet at home I don't have that same dedication. And it drives me crazy that my house never looks clean or organized enough. I don't want perfection, just de-cluttering and a spring cleaning.

While I am ready for 2012, I am also hoping that it passes quickly. Most of time I am wishing that time would slow down because Maddie is growing so quickly. But I also want another baby and it looks like it will be 2013 before we can try again. This makes me sad. But it is what is best for us right now. That may change but for now our ttc plans are on hold for another year. When I will be nearing 36. Gulp! Did I just say that?!?!? Man, that sounds old! LOL

So what are your plans for 2012?

In Loving Memory

2011-12-29T10:09:00.000-08:00

Today we said goodbye to an amazing woman, my mother in law, Terry. She was 81 and one of the godliest women I have ever known. She was a prayer warrior like no other. She had a true walk with God. She had Alzheimer's and dementia and has been declining over the past 4 years. Other than that she was completely healthy. The past week she began to seriously decline and they called the family in last night. We are 10 hours away and could not make it there so we FaceTimed her. My hubby was born when my MIL was 39 and they were very, very close. She had not been responsive for several days but last night had asked for my hubby by name. She never opened her eyes but she did talk to hubby last night and it will be a precious memory. He told her that it was okay to go home. And she did just that. As we say goodbye heaven says hello. She will definitely be missed.

My feelings about meeting my father

2011-12-27T18:41:00.000-08:00

A few posts ago I wrote about my father contacting me asking if we could meet. The first time since he and my mom separated when I was a year old. I reluctantly agreed to meet him but not until after Christmas. I just could not deal with the emotions of it all before that. Now it is after Christmas and I am not sure that I am ready. Not sure if I will ever be truly ready.

As a little girl I always wondered about my father. My step dad loved me like his own and I adored him, yet I knew that he was not my "real dad". He and my mom got together when I was two and I called him Gary until my sister was born almost 2 years later and then he became Dad. I must have always remembered that because no one ever made me feel like I was a step child. Ever! But there was something in me that was curious about the man whose DNA I shared. When I was a teen I located him and called him. He refused to answer the phone at first but finally spoke to me. I was hurt and decided I was not going to do it again. About 10 years later I tried again. I am not sure why, I just......wondered about him. This time he talked to me but there was no connection, no warm and fuzzy feelings. My last contact with him was 2 years ago when I needed some medical information. It was done via Facebook messages and it was cool and impersonal, which was fine with me. At that time I thought it was over and that part of my life was over.

Now he decides that he wants to meet me.

There is a part of me that is curious about him. My step dad left when I was 11 years old and between the two of them I have a hard time trusting men. There will always be a scared little inside of me wanting her daddy's love. That will never go away. That little girl scares me. She is sad and lonely. The rest of my life is fulfilled, all but this part. It is hard for me not to get my hopes up that this man will be the daddy I longed for. Yet I know that he won't be. He never has been and never will be. Yet the longing is still there.

When I decided to meet him I also determined that he would not hurt me. Yet, hurt I am. But it is my fault for having expectations. We corresponded for a few days and he was prompt in responding every time. He also commented on Facebook a few times which he has never done. So on Christmas day I thought for sure that he would wish me a Merry Christmas. But all was silent. And I was hurt. It shows me that this will not be easy for me to do. I will still meet him, but I will have to do a lot of praying to prepare my heart for this.

Maddie loves Elmo!

2011-12-25T12:19:00.000-08:00

Last week I decided to get Maddie the Let's Rock Elmo. I wasn't planning on it but she saw it in the store and loved it. Then I learned that it was on sale for $30 and I had a 25% off coupon and they were giving a $10 gift card with purchase. Being the frugal gal that I am I could not pass up the deal. It took a few hours, 3 stores and several phone calls but I finally found one. The last one within a 30 mile radius too. And the hunt was worth it. Maddie loves her new Elmo!

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-22T13:02:00.000-08:00

This is a photo of a photo so not the best, but you can still see all of her cuteness. She loved meeting Santa! I was glad as most kiddos her age tend to cry. We ran out of time and did not get actual Christmas photos so this is it. Just wanted to share!

Thinking of those that are hurting

2011-12-22T06:46:00.000-08:00

For 11 years I had a love/hate relationship with the holidays. I loved getting together with family, Christmas lights and music, the whole spirit of the season! Yet it was all a reminder of what was missing in my life. My arms always felt emptier, the burden heavier. Each year it became more and more difficult to enjoy the holidays and I know that for many you are feeling this right now. Please know that I am thinking of you and asking God to lift your burden. I am also asking that 2012 be a year of many miracles.

If you are on the "other side" of infertility this year please take a moment to encourage one that is still waiting. If you pray, lift them up in prayer asking God for strength for them during this season. Just take a moment to tell them that you love them.

meeting my bio dad

2011-12-19T06:19:00.001-08:00

I have never met my father. My mom was from a crazy abusive home and she wanted to escape and thought that getting pregnant and married would solve her problems. At 16 she did just that. I was born when my mom was 16 and my dad was 18. My mom grew up pretty quick once I cam along but my father did not. He was a selfish, spoiled child and it was the 70s and he fully embraced the era. He drank and did drugs and when high was not a nice man. My mom got tired of the drug houses they stayed in and not having anything to eat because he spent all of the money on booze so she left. He refused to give her anything, not even her clothes or my baby stuff, but she left anyway. It was difficult but with little more than the clothes on her back she took me and went back home. She saved up money for a year and moved out on her own. She later met my step dad and that is the man that I called dad until he passed away a few months ago.

My father never tried to have any contact with me through the years. It hurt a lot as a child but I have since forgiven him and moved on. I tried contacting him when I was a teen and once when I was about 26 years old. We spoke but it was not very warm and fuzzy. Then about 2 years ago her friended me on Facebook and I accepted but he never initiated any contact other than that. I finally messaged him some health questions right before Maddie was born and he responded but it was rather stilted and formal.

The other day I posted Maddie's Santa photo on FB and he commented and stated then that he wanted to meet me and Maddie and that he had been afraid to contact me until not. Well, I call BS on that one! He has had ample opportunity, all initiated by me, to talk to me but he chose not to. I was irritated that he did this on my public page and not a private message. My mom hates this man and here it is for all to see. I responded in a private message asking him "why now?". He claims that his health is not good and while he can't change the past he wants me to forgive him and give him a chance. I have decided to meet him, but I am honestly not looking for a dad. Maddie could use a grandpa but I don't need him as a dad. He had his chance and blew it. I do forgive him but I won't allow him to hurt me again. I have a lot of feeling and emotions over this whole situation but I won't post it now. I hate when people have uber long posts so I will refrain from doing so and will save it for another post.

Please pray for me as I meet him. I am nervous and a bit scared. I hate the unknown!

adding to the misconception

2011-12-15T19:16:00.000-08:00

We have all, at one time or another, been on the receiving end of the comment "just adopt". I have heard it many times over the years and always from very fertile people. I recently read it on a parenting forum discussing IVF. Many women came out and posted about the absurdity of the comment. The whole thing made me wonder why we have this completely insane view that adoption is easy. Why do people toss it around like it is fast, easy and inexpensive? I realize that if you have never actually researched it you may not understand just how complex and expensive it can be, but do people really assume that it just costs a few thousand dollars? Do they think that there are hundreds of babies waiting to be adopted? Adoption is a wonderful thing, but it is sad as well. While it is a great option for infertile couples there is a loss involved for the child and the mother. Adoption is in no way 'easy". So why do people think that it is?

Today I was watching the last 2 episodes of King of Q.ueens. I love this show! It reminds me so much of me and hubby, though I am not quite as thin and hot as Carrie is. Almost, but not quite! ;-) In earlier episodes they suffer a miscarriage and then the inability to conceive which endeared the show to me even more. But the last episodes ruin it all for me. They decide to adopt from China and within a week or two they are matched with a 4 day old baby and are on a plane to pick her up. While there they learn that Carrie is pregnant. All wrapped up in a nice little package. The inaccuracy is outlandish. In what reality is anyone ever matched in an international adoption in just a few weeks? And getting a 4 day old newborn? Not possible! While I can overlook the predictable pregnancy after adoption I cannot the fallacy of the adoption scenario. Yes, I know that it is TV show and that everything happens quickly, but they could have made it more believable. Why not a 6 month old baby? Why not wait a few months? Just give me something believable if not accurate.

While I do not "blame" TV for the flippancy in which adoption is tossed around I do think that they could help educate people on just how complicated that adoption really is. Or if not, then just leave it alone. There is no need to perpetuate the myths that are already out there. Maybe if they showed adoption in a more true light people would begin to see how "just adopt" is not something to throw around to infertile couples.

Two years later.....

2011-12-14T12:38:00.000-08:00

It is hard to believe that Maddie was just a tiny little snowflake, waiting in a freezer. It was 2 years ago today I got the first positive pregnancy test I have ever seen. It was the first of many. I took nine that week!! After many, many, many negatives my brain just could not compute that I was seeing a plus sign. I used a 2 line one, a plus sign one and a digital one just to be certain. And sure enough, it was true. We were really having a baby!

Two years have since passed our little embryo is 2 1/2 feet tall and climbing on everything! I still marvel at our little miracle. At times I have a hard time believing that she is really ours. Though it took us 12 years to get here the past 2 years have made up for it!

Hubby is Home!!

2011-12-09T19:42:00.001-08:00

After a week in the hospital hubby is finally home! My last post told of his leg infection that sent him to the ER where they admitted him. They finally determined that the infection was not in his blood as originally thought but it did go through his leg all of the way to his muscle. It was because of this that they had to keep switching his antibiotics to find one that would fight this severe of an infection but also not raise his muscle enzymes any more than the infection was doing. So today they released him with an RX for an oral antibiotic and when we went pick it up it was our highest copay. I knew that it must have been an expensive drug as we rarely have to pay our highest copay. I later looked at the paperwork and the retail cost was......wait for it.......are you ready? For a 2 week supply, 28 little pills, it was two thousand, nine hundred and ten dollars. Yes, you read that right! Praise God for good insurance! We have 4 copays: $10, $25, $45 and there is a 40% one that I am not really sure what it is for as we have never had to use that one. Had it been 40% we would have been a heap of trouble as we could not afford over $1000 for the RX. And this is not the full RX as our insurance denied the full amount. So we return to the specialist after the 2 weeks to see if he needs more or not at that time.

This experience made me so thankful for having insurance. We went 6 years without it and it was scary. However, it also made me realize just how ridiculous our health care system is. Why in the world would any antibiotic cost this much?? It is just wrong! But I am thankful that some drug company makes it as it has saved hubby's life.

I am so glad to have hubby home again as is Maddie. It has been a super long week and I am glad that it is over. Thank you for all of the prayers!!

thought I was losing him

2011-12-05T19:56:00.000-08:00

The past few days have been....interesting to say the least. My hubby has been hospitalized and last night I thought that we were going to lose him. It all started Saturday night when he started running a fever so he took some aspirin and went to bed. At 1:30 am he woke up with fever and chills. I got him some Tylenol this time and something, God I am sure, prompted me to find the thermometer. His temp was 103.9. While he laid there waiting for the meds to kick in I grabbed my phone and sought Dr. Google's advice. I decided to give it an hour and see if the meds brought the fever down and it did, but only to 102.6. During this time I checked his leg. Several years ago he had 8 rounds of cellulitis (skin infection) on his leg. Though it has been 6 years since his last bought of it we thought it may have it again. I saw no obvious signs but was still concerned.

Sunday morning I decided that he needed to go to Urgent Care. Even though he was not exhibiting symptoms of cellulitis other than fever I feared that he still had the infection. His previous infections have been bad and he was hospitalized twice, once almost dying from an allergic reaction to his antibiotics. This was not something to play around with. We planned to go to Urgent Care, get some antibiotics, and go home to heal. Instead we were sent to the ER and then admitted to the hospital. They had run some blood work and it showed that the infection was in his bloodstream and they feared that he was septic.

Last night his fever went from 99 to 103 in less than an hour. They maxed him out on Tylenol (can't give him ibuprofen as he is allergic) and placed a cooling blanket at 60 degrees on him and placed ice packs under his arms and his groin. His fever refused to come down and his breathing was very rapid (40 breaths per min) and his BP was not good (159/52) and his HR was 118. This lasted for 4 hours and the staff was concerned and discussing placing him in the ICU. Thankfully he stabilized and has been doing much better today. But these hours last night were very, very scary!! I honestly thought that things were taking a turn for the worse. He was borderline on his vitals and they kept getting worse. And then it all just.....changed. If I didn't believe in the power of prayer before, I do know! I know that God was there and He changed the course that hubby's body was taking.

Today I picked Maddie up from a friend's house and just hugged her, thankful that her father is still here and able to watch her grow up. He may not have been close to death but the whole situation was dangerous and anything could have happened. Now that the danger has passed it has hit me just how bad he was last night. I want Maddie to know her daddy and the thoughts of losing him just terrified me. Today I am thanking God that he is okay.

Please continue to pray for his recovery. We are hoping that he will be able to come home on Wednesday. Leaving Maddie every day is difficult and she is now pushing me away and it hurts my mommy heart. I just want my little family all safe at home.

Who hurts more??

2011-11-28T18:46:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago I wrote about a woman on a parenting board that was complaining about not not being pregnant after 3 months of not preventing (not actively ttc). I titled it "let me cry for you". I received a response that I deleted. It said something like "You have a child so 'let me cry for you' too". My first reaction was to respond with a snarky post, calling the blogger out. Instead I deleted it. I was irritated about it for a day or so then I thought more about it. The commenter was anonymous and I wanted to call the woman out, but the more I thought about it I realized that her comment was not from rudeness but from a place of pain.

I am sure that if we were honest we could all say that we have been there. We have not only resented fertiles but those with secondary infertility. In the early years of my journey I had no compassion for SI-ers. I could not comprehend how someone that had a child could even begin to understand or feel what I felt. It took quite some time on Stepping Stones infertility forum for me to change my mind. I learned a lot about SI and while I would admittedly rather be dealing with SI versus PI, SI is still painful.

As infertiles, regardless of where we are in the journey, we beg fertiles to just try to have compassion and understanding on how difficult infertility is for us. We do our best to educate them and we share our stories and struggles in hopes of changing the world's view on infertility. Yet ofttimes we fail to have that same compassion on fellow infertiles if they have not struggled as long as us, or if they have a child already. By doing so we fail each other. Regardless of where we are in this journey we need each other. We need support. We need compassion. We need a listening ear.

So whoever the commenter was, I am sorry that my post hurt you. Actually, it wasn't my post, but my current state of life. I know that your comment came from a place of pain and I pray that you can find it in your heart to understand that we all hurt, even those of us that have had a child. And you will be in my prayers during this holiday season as I know that it will not be easy. And most of all I pray that you get the desire of your heart soon.

Thankful for the journey

2011-11-24T07:52:00.000-08:00

On this day of Thanksgiving I want to share what I am thankful for. I am thankful for the journey. Yes, the journey of infertility. I know that some of you may think that it is because I have a daughter now so it is easy to be thankful and in some ways that is true. But though I am ever grateful for my Maddie I am also thankful for the journey regardless of where it had ended. During my twelve long years of waiting I learned a lot. I learned patience. I learned compassion. I learned how to reach out to others. And I learned that though I may not understand, or even agree with it, God knows what He is doing and that He loves me. Some of these things I may have learned anyway, but I know that compassion came directly from my years of infertility. I was not a compassionate person before. Well, I was about some things, but I did not truly understand suffering. Now I can hurt for someone that has gone through a divorce, suffered through cancer or someone with a disability. Things that I have not personally experienced, but can empathize with now that I have suffered in some form. I can see past the circumstances and see the person and the pain that they are feeling. I feel that this is truly a gift that only infertility could have given me and I thankful for it.

I am also thankful for my fellow infertiles, all of which I have met because of my own infertility. I have met some truly amazing women that have walked this path with me and I love them as sisters. I would not trade knowing them for anything! While I wish that my journey would have been much shorter and less painful I would not trade the experiences that it has brought for anything and for that reason I am thankful for this journey of infertility.

Nine weeks ear infection free!!!

2011-11-23T16:33:00.000-08:00

This past Monday marks 9 full weeks since Maddie has had an ear infection! I cannot begin to tell you just how thankful I am for this. Prior to this last surgery she had never gone more than 6 weeks between infections and most of the time only 2 weeks between them. To go more than 9 weeks is amazing to me. And to make things even better she has not had to have breathing treatments either. Before her surgery she was on 2 allergy medications and well on her way to asthma. She never, ever got a runny nose without at least an ear infection and most likely breathing treatments. Since her surgery she has had a sinus infection and now a runny nose from either a cold or teething and so far it has not caused her to have any problems with her ears or lungs. And she has been off of all of her meds as well. This surgery had no guarantees and I am ever so thankful that it was successful. Now if only we could find a cure for tantrums........

Still trying to catch up!

2011-11-17T07:53:00.000-08:00

Man, I have really been a bad blogger! My computer no longer has a battery. It died a few months ago. Then right after that my plug died too. I blame Maddie. She likes to tug and pull on it and suck on the end of it. Yes, I know that it is an electrical cord and no, I don't allow her to do it. She is just super fast and grabs it before I can snatch it back from her. She ruined my plug and hubby and I have been sharing and lo and behold, she did it again! We finally got his to work but it took a few days of drying it out. I am not sure why she has such an obsession with cords but she needs to quit! It scares the crud outta me! I don't even think that it is the cord that she loves but the metal on the end. Some days I swear this kid suffers from PICA. But she likes cords too, but more to wrap around her neck than to chew on. Crazy, I know! It makes for constant work around here to keep her out of stuff. We have removed every necessary cord yet she still finds them.

So her cord sucking has kept me from blogging. As has my house. It looked like a disaster zone from our week of stomach flu and I have been busting my butt trying to clean and sanitize this germy place. I finally got caught up on laundry. Finally! Hopefully I can begin blogging again. I have so many blog posts swirling around in my head with no time to post them. And I need to catch up on everyone else. If you have an update you could save me some time and post it here for me! Just sayin'!

is this what Lazarus felt like??

2011-11-11T08:17:00.000-08:00

Last Friday I worked at an in home daycare. The woman that runs it has 2 children and one of them was sick. By noon the other one, the one with me, was sick. By sick, I mean she threw up all over the place. I cleaned her up and gave her to her mom who was now sick as well. I had Maddie with me and knew at this point that it was just a matter of time before we both got this lovely stomach bug as well. It didn't take long! Just about 24 hours later I was hit with it, then the next morning Maddie had it, and then hubby on Monday. The worst of it lasted about 48 hours but it has taken until today for me to feel normal again. Maddie still has the poopies and woke up with a disgusting mess this morning at 5 am! Yuck!!! I have done so much laundry this week it isn't even funny!!! I am so sick of sick!

But today I feel resurrected! It was wonderful to take up and be able to eat something. Hopefully my suffering for the past 6 days has at least caused me to lose a few pounds or so. But now I am ravenous! I can't wait to finish sanitizing my house and finish my laundry and erase this week from my memory! And now I can get back to blogging! I have not read any blogs for over a week and hope to catch up on all of them over the weekend!

disagreement does not equal uneducation

2011-11-03T06:47:00.001-07:00

So often I read debates where people disagree with one or both telling the other that they are uneducated. Why do some people assume that my choices (and "my" is general here) are uneducated just because they differ from yours? (again, "yours" is general and not directed at anyone specific) Did it ever occur to the other person that I did research certain things before making a decision? Here are a few issues that I have educated myself before making my decisions.

Medicated birth: yes, I know that epidurals carry risks. Yes, I still got one. I felt that the risks were minimal and the benefits far outweighed said risks. Medical science has found a way to minimize the horrific pain of child birth and I planned to take advantage of it. For me it ended up being a moot point as I had to have a c-section after 36 hours of labor.

Formula feeding: I really, really, really wanted to breast feed. I felt it the best choice for my child. However, this was not to be. After Maddie had jaundice and we made the educated choice to supplement she was not too keen on drinking from the tap. I pumped and continued trying for 3 weeks but was fighting a constant migraine. The two compounded made for a very frustrated, unhappy mommy. I made the educated choice to switch to formula. It was best for me and my child.

Hormonal birth control: I have 2 differing views on this one. If I were fertile I would make the choice not to use it as it is an abortifacant. With that said I do not believe that the decision not to use it is for everyone. For some it is clearly the best choice. The risks outweigh the benefits. Even strong pro-life people can use hormonal birth control and still be very pro-life. The chance of it actually causing a spontaneous abortion is very small. About the same as drinking caffeine causing a miscarriage. Sometimes you have to weigh it all and make the best decision you can. Now, as for other uses I do use hormonal birth control. I prefer the side effects to the pain of endometriosis. I also want to protect my fertility as much as I can and BCPs allow me to do this. Yes, there are risks, but not enough to dissuade me.

Vaccines: This one was one I really studied. I do not like the idea of injecting my daughter with all of the garbage in these vaccines at all. But I also don't like the thought of lowering my child into a grave either. if the majority of parents did not choose to vaccinate we would be seeing a huge increase in many treatable diseases. I am sure that 100 years ago the thousands upon thousands of people that died from what are now almost nonexistent disease would have loved to have the option of a vaccination that could have saved their lives. Do I wish that they would separate some of the shots? Yes. Do I wish that it did not contain unnecessary chemical? Obviously! But these did not deter me from making an educated decision to vaccinate my child. Do I criticize or think someone else is stupid for choosing not to? No. Just as you should not think the same of me.

We live in a day and age where we have options and choices. We have a vast amount of information at our fingertips and should ALL take the time to educate ourselves before making decisions. But just because we differ does not make my decision one of uneducation, just one of a differing opinion.

Personhood Initiative....pray it doesn't pass

2011-11-02T08:41:00.001-07:00

On November 8th Mississippi will be voting to pass the Personhood Initiative. I have blogged about this before but with the day fast approaching I want to remind everyone to be praying that this initiative does NOT pass next week. It has the potential to effect us all. How? If one state passes it then others are sure to follow. While I am fairly confident that it will not pass, you just never know.

For many, especially Christians, this sounds like a wonderful idea. And in all actuality it does have some merit. The problem is that it is too broad. It is described as a law to protect the unborn. As someone with a pro-life stance I like that part of it. What I do not like is the narrowness of the law. It makes no provisions for ectopic pregnancies or when the life of the mother is in jeopardy. Basically, if you are pregnant and going to die you will die. Period. Or travel to another state or go to an underground facility to have a possibly unsafe procedure done. So now not only will the child die but the mother will to? How is this a good thing?

This initiative will also outlaw birth control pills, IUDs and other forms of hormonal birth control. So we remove the option to be responsible and prevent a pregnancy and the ability to abort as well? While I am against abortion I wholly support a women's right and ability to prevent a pregnancy. It is the adult, responsible thing to do! Not all unwanted pregnancies are from teens or promiscuous women. Many are married but are not financially able to support another child at this time. So what are they supposed to do? Permanently remove their ability to have another child when they are ready to do so? No longer have sex with their spouse? Really??

Another huge concern of mine is what it will mean to fertility treatments. IVF will no longer exist. Neither will embryo adoption/donation. While I think that clinics could do a better job at with educating patients on their options in regards to leftover embryos and even reduce the number created, this law is not the way to do this.

There are aspects of this initiative that I could support. I do believe that life begins at conception and should be treated with respect. What I do not believe is that someone should go to prison because an embryo dies. If they were to separate the law into different ones then we could see some change. All this one does is make the entire pro-life community look like a bunch of kooks, much like Westboro "church". It hurts us as Christians, as women, as infertiles and as pro-lifers. So if you are in Mississippi VOTE! If you are not, the PRAY!

What are your thoughts on this? Where do you stand?? Please take a moment to share your thoughts!

Legal contracts for ED?

2011-10-28T05:22:00.000-07:00

Okay bloggy friends, I need some help! For those that have gone the donation route (but not in a clinic program per se) what did you do about legal contracts to transfer the property of the embryos to you and your hubby? A few months ago I was contacted by someone considering donating their embryos to us. They were out of state and we would either have to travel to their clinic or ship them to us. At this time nothing has come of this situation but on the off chance that we do find embryos outside of a clinic program, what do we do? Do we ask the clinics what they require? Contact a lawyer? If using a lawyer what kind of fees are we looking at? I just want to be prepared and I know that this information would be great to have for those considering ED. Thanks!!

If you have answers and are not comfortable answering publicly please email me at agreateryesblog@gmail.com.

Please, let me cry for you.

2011-10-26T07:50:00.000-07:00

I was reading tonight on a forum about a woman that is ttc her second child and she has been trying for 3 whole months. Aw! Don't you just want to cry for her?? Her first child took almost a year, but she wasn't really trying then. Most responses were women giving her hugs and lamenting with her that it took then 6 month for baby #3 or 4 months for baby #4. WOW! Then the tears really began to well up thinking of how hard it must be for all of them. **insert eye roll** One poster told her "Hey, it could be worse. It took us 10 years". Good for her!!

Now, before you call me a heartless witch, I am not. Okay, maybe a little when it comes to whiny woman that have no clue just how difficult it can be. Once a woman hits the one year mark my heart goes out to them and I am quick to offer support. Did I wait longer? Yes. Does it make my pain more? No, it doesn't. Infertility is infertility. If you are diagnosed at 6 months or 6 years it still hurts. But if you are not charting or temping at the very least and don't get pregnant after 3 months YOU ARE NOT INFERTILE! Yes, you are allowed to be impatient. Yes, you are allowed to hope that it goes faster. What you are not allowed to do is whine about.

I wanted to post a snarky comment but decided that it would just feed the stereotype of the crazy infertile. So I blogged about it instead!

It's not always sugar and spice

2011-10-25T14:46:00.000-07:00

I love being a girl, usually. I love the frilly clothes, high heeled shoes and designer purses. And though I am no weakling and can do most things myself I am not above using my feminine wiles to get what I want. Though, admittedly, it was much easier to do 10 years and 80 pounds ago! But there is one thing that I hate about being a girl: lady business. There is nothing fun about an annual exam. Nuttin'! Stirrups are uncomfortable, the gowns ugly and the the snoopy looking tool they use.....yikes! Oh, and they weigh you to! Oh the injustices of it all! Yet, it is oddly comforting after not seeing my Ob/gun for almost a year. We used to spend so much time together and now, well, I kinda missed him. I think I missed what going there represented the last time: baby. Pregnancy. Yeah, that is what I missed.

So my appointment went fairly well. I talked to him about my endo symptoms and we are trying birth control again, but this time Nuva Ring. I am really bad about taking daily meds so pills were not for me. Hopefully the NR works and keeps the pain away. While he was checking out my business he said that my left side felt "full" and wants me to have an ultrasound next week. This will be bittersweet as the last time I did this was so see Maddie, not to look for a cyst. What makes it worse is that it is the drink-a-gallon-hold-your-pee one and I hate those! Especially now that they endo has taken over my bladder and I pee myself easily. Fun, fun, fun!!!

I have that done next week and then we discuss what to do if it shows something. I am not opposed to surgery as then he can attack the endo. But I would rather it be nothing. I hate jumping back on this roller coaster again, trying to stay one step ahead of a disease that is determine to annihilate my reproductive organs. But I want to protect my uterus for future bambinos so I will do what I must!

Has anyone used the Nuva Ring? Like it? Hate it? Was it pricey?

I have SPI

2011-10-24T13:22:00.000-07:00

Are you wondering what SPI is? A diagnosis of some kind? A 6th sense? A new toy or gadget? Nope! I have Secondary Primary Infertility. We all know what SI is, and we all know what PI is. So what is SPI? It is the combination of the two. I am infertile....again. For the second time. In a way I have SI, but in a way I don't. Most that move onto the SI diagnosis are those that gave birth after conceiving a child whether it be naturally or with intervention. Their own biological child. Which means that the possibility exists to conceive a second child. With those that have to use a donor (embryo, sperm or egg) you do not necessarily fit into this category as their is no chance of having a biological child.

And even those that have conceived a biological child can still fit into this category. All of the emotions and struggles associated with PI are still there, the difference is you now have a child to help ease that pain. I am glad for it, really I am! But I still wonder where I fit in. I am still infertile yet some infertiles feel like they no longer relate to me because I have moved on. And fertiles want to forget that we ever struggled. But I will never forget it, nor do I want to. To forget negates the journey. My child is a miracle made even more special because of all that we went through to get her. Do I want to remember the pain? No, not really. But that pain reminds me to pray for all of those still waiting. It also reminds me just how special my daughter is, especially when she is trashing my house and smashing crackers into the carpet.

I think that it is these feelings of displacement that makes me love the online IF community. You all "get" it. And even if you don't you still support those that are struggling. And as I go through round 2 of IF I am thankful to have all of you!

Um, no, I don't steal kids

2011-10-23T04:52:00.000-07:00

Most of us have seen the news about the missing baby in KC, MO. I know that we are all touched by this story, worried for this little baby. I was recently talking to someone about it, discussing what we think happened. The other person stated that they hoped it was some childless couple that took her. Now, I will admit to seeing a baby left unattended in a shopping cart and thought about how easy it would be to snatch them. Most honest infertiles have thought this. Never seriously, just a fleeting thought. And had Lisa been taken from a grocery store or out of her front yard, maybe that could be said. But what we never, ever think about doing is plotting and planning to break into someone's home in the middle of the night to steal someone's child. That is what a crazy person does, infertility just being the catalyst to their actions. They were sick before infertility, not the other way around.

The media has done a great job perpetrating this image of the crazy infertile. I understand that the normal, average infertile crying herself to sleep at night, or looking longingly at a newborn while trying to stifle tears does not a made for TV movie make. I get that. Boring! People want to see a wild eyed psycho infertile woman lying in wait to steal your child. She will slice your throat and rip your fetus right out of your womb. Now that is Lifetime worthy! But it is realistic? No! Does it happen? Yeah, it does. But the women that do this have problems so much deeper than infertility. Parents abuse their kids everyday but we don't assume all parents hurt their kids. Men murder their whole family but we do not assume that all will do this. So why do people make infertiles out to be the boogeyman?? Hey, maybe I should make and market the Crazy Infertile Halloween costume! Comes with a fake baby bump and machete.

So to all of you fertiles, it is okay. You don't have to fear us. We won't hurt you or your little one. Hey, what is that over there? Look!! (snatches baby and runs.......)

It worked! It worked!!

2011-10-23T04:50:00.000-07:00

Just a quick update on the cloth diaper stinkies: The aquarium ammonia remover WORKED!! Last night I used 2 different hemp liners and a Flip microfiber insert (all of which were really bad) and nothing. Nada! No burn your nose hair stinkies, not even up close and personal. WOOT!

It's that time of the month again!

2011-10-21T10:20:00.000-07:00

No, not THAT time, but that time. ICLW time! For those of you that are scratching your heads, wondering what ICLW is, there is a link to the right. Click it. Go ahead. You know you wanna! It will take you to a place that explains it all better than I can.

For those stopping by from ICLW, welcome! Nice to meet you! I am Jess. I am also an infertile that also has a child now through the miracle of embryo adoption/donation. It took us 12 long years to have this little bit and we couldn't be happier. We just love her to pieces! But even though we have her now we are still infertiles. We will always be infertiles. And I am okay with that. We have been here so long I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I started popping out kids like a PEZ dispenser.

Currently we are not ttc, but hope to start again next year. But we have to start from scratch as our previous clinic closed. We are open to to whatever God has for us and pray that He will lead us to the right embryos. If that means travel to another clinic, great! Miracle's Waiting, we will take it. From a fellow blogger, sure! Wherever this journey takes us we will go! I just hope that it doesn't take another 12 years.

So if you wanna follow our journey, stick around. If you just find me interesting, I would love to have you too! Just click on that little follow tab at the top. And if you follow me, I follow you. Cause I am awesome like that!

cloth diapers STINK!

2011-10-20T04:54:00.001-07:00

I mean as in smell, not that I don't like cloth diapering. But as much as I love cloth, there are definitely some negatives. One of which is ammonia. (the other is changing every two hours, but that is just because I am lazy ;-). Recently I changed Maddie's morning diaper and whoa! Holy singed nose hairs, people! The ammonia smell seriously burned my nose and throat. And her tiny little bum. I have had the diaper pail smell of ammonia but never the actual diaper. And once it starts it does not get better. All of her microfiber and hemp inserts began to reek to high heaven. Some of the diapers did as well. I could handle the smell but not it burning her bum. That was unacceptable! So I stripped them with Dawn dish soap, tried vinegar, washed in bleach a few times, rinsed a ton, and nothing was helping. I went to the CD store near me to get something and the product they had there was almost $20. I chose CDs to save money and to pay $20 for something that may or may not work was not going to happen. So I asked one of the workers their opinion and she was awesome!! She told me that the pet store would have what I needed for a fraction of the cost. Apparently ammonia remover for aquariums have the same ingredients as the CD stuff. Hmph! Who knew?

So for less than $4 I bought some ammonia remover from Wally World and gave it a try. I soaked all of my dipes and inserts in hot water and 2 tabs of ammonia remover (some are liquid but mine were tablets). I soaked for about 4-5 hours and then did 2 cold rinses, one regular wash cycle and two more rinses just to make sure I got them good and clean. When I pulled them out of the washer I immediately noticed that they smelled like, well......nothing. No stinkies. No ammonia. Nothing!! So far so good!! They are drying right now and I will try a diaper tonight to see how things go.

So, for those that are CDing be prepared for ammonia. It can happen at any time. Some never get the yucky smell, but most do. I went 12 months before it happened to me. Others it happens within a few months. I am not really sure why is happens (I have read several opinions, but nothing conclusive yet. I am leaning towards bacteria in the dipes causing it, but not certain). If you find that your diapers start to burn your nose hairs head out to your local Wally World or pet store and get you some ammonia remover for aquariums. Your nose and baby's bum will thank you for it!

Ovary? Or no ovary?

2011-10-19T16:37:00.000-07:00

In 2005 I had my 2nd laparoscopy to look for endo (first one in 1999 showed none, but that doc may have been an idiot). During this surgery my doc found endo. Lots and lots of endo. So much so that he did what he could and told me that to clean it up better I would need a laparotomy (like a c-scetion but without the joys of a baby). I tried to avoid doing such an invasive surgery but 3 months later I went ahead and had it done. At that time the doc was able to clean most of it up but my left ovary was covered in it and the ovary was adhered to my colon. There was no way to "unstick" it without losing the ovary. My gyn knew how badly we wanted children so he left it. Soon after my symptoms lessened considerably and we went on our merry way, trying 4 IUIs with donor sperm. Well, those were a complete bust!! My left ovary (the "good" one) was the dominant one. Sounds good, right? Well, it would have been except my left tube is blocked. With the magic of clomid we were able to get both ovaries to work at the same time. Still useless as I did not conceive anyway.

Now that I have had Maddie my endo symptoms have returned. With a vengeance! I am going next week for my annual exam and will discuss this with my doc. I am considering another surgery, this time to not only clean up any endo but to remove the left ovary as well. There are two main reasons I want this sucker gone: 1) I have terrible, horrible, no good IBS which is worse when my endo is bad. I am thinking that since the ovary is stuck to my colon that it may be the cause of my increased IBS issues. And 2) I was unable to have a colonoscopy done a few years ago. They were unable to get the scope around the bend. I am wondering if the ovary is the cause of that as well.

My only reason to want to keep this ovary is that it is a super ovary, pooping out eggs like a fertile chicken. Nice, big, healthy looking eggs. If I give it up we may never be able to do IVF. At this time IVF is not a consideration. If we have to spend the money we will do EA again. However, if the law changes and insurance is required to cover infertility in my state will I then consider IVF? Would it be fair to Maddie to now have a biological child? Do I even want to go through a full IVF cycle if it is covered? Or will insurance (if mandated) cover embryo donation? Not so much the legal costs if there are any, but the FET?

I am really unsure of what I should do here! My endo is really taking a toll on me and I need some relief. I am horrible at taking daily meds so taking BCPs is a chore. And I was on them for 4 months and as soon as I stopped the pain was back and worse. So while BCPs keep the pain away, is it really slowing down the endo? What to do? What to do?? Any advice is greatly appreciated!

Baby Makers of the World, UNITE!

2011-10-18T12:25:00.001-07:00

Was this a memo sent out recently? I swear that every fertile I knew is pregnant again. Was there a mass email to tell them all to baby dance? Or was there clomid pumped into our water system to assure that they all got pregnant about the same time? Seriously,m this is crazy! I work as a sub for an in home daycare and she told me that she will be needing me more in the months to come as she is 15 weeks pregnant. She has a 10 month old and is still nursing which may hinder some, but not the super fertiles, no! They still get pregnant easily. Must. Be. Nice!

Yes, I have a child. Yes, I am grateful and thankful for her. Yes, I realize that I am fortunate to have even one child while others still wait. Please do not misunderstand, I do get all of this. Yet, it does not change the fact that I cannot have a child whenever I want to. I want another baby. I want to give Maddie a sibling. I want IF to not hurt anymore. But what I want is not my reality. I don't wish IF on anyone. I just wish that IF did not exist so that all of us could have babies when we wanted.

So while all of the fertiles are waddling around I am imagining that they are not pregnant, just fat. It makes me smile! ;-)

Saying goodbye to Sadie

2011-10-10T19:45:00.000-07:00

My hubby and I got married over 12 years ago. Soon after we found out that we were infertile. To help fill that void we got a furbaby, a Maltese named Dudley. He quickly became my baby. A year later we got him a companion, another Maltese named Sadie. They have been wonderful pups and I have loved having them in my life. A few months ago Dudley had to be put to sleep because he had cancer. I was devastated!! I cried for days and I still tear up from time to time. Now, we are going to say goodbye to Sadie. She is not sick, we just need to rehome her. She is great with Maddie and everything, but she is becoming more work than I can keep up with. As Sadie gets older the more accidents she is having in the house. At night she sleeps with us (will cry and whine if not) and I am so exhausted I pass out so I do not hear her if she needs to go out at night. This means she is having an accident almost every night. Having a toddler running around knowing that my carpet is not sanitary is bothering me. We have had it cleaned but that is not enough for me. I have tried diapers for Sadie and they just don't work. Today Sadie pooped and I did not know it. Maddie got to it before I found it and that was the straw that broke the camel's back. Maddie has to take precedence. I have always been a firm believer that you just don't get rid of a pet because of inconvenience, and you stick it out if you can. But I can't. I just don't have the time or the energy to give Sadie the attention that she deserves. I want her to spend her last years in a loving home, being petted and spoiled. We cannot do that now. So I posted an ad on Craigslist and I think that we have found the perfect home. The woman really, really wants Sadie and emailed me twice. I hope to meet with her this week to see if this is a match. But I won't lie, this is killing me!! Sometimes doing the right thing is not easy!

EA and race

2011-10-10T14:19:00.000-07:00

When you are faced with not having biological children you have few options left to consider. One is adoption and now, through the miracle of modern medicine, is embryo adoption/donation. There is also donor sperm and donor egg, though with these you have many, many choices and usually you choose the donor that is most compatible to you and your partner. When you consider adoption and embryo adoption there are so many variables yet few options. There are a lot of children waiting for families in foster care but not nearly as many babies when considering infant adoption, especially domestic. The same is true for EA. So when you start your journey down either path the first thing you usually decide upon is whether you want international or domestic (for adoption); open, semi-open or closed; health (history of families and health needs of baby); and lastly, race. With traditional adoption it is much easier to explain to an Asian child why their dad is AA and their mother caucasian. Though there are obstacles and prejudices, most people understand adoption. But what do you do when both parents are one race and you give birth to a child of a different race? How do you explain that to not only the child, but to other people? With the newness of EA you have to explain IVF, EA and adoption to those that are inquisitive. When we decided to pursue EA race was very important to us, more so that when we were trying to adopt domestically. Race was important for several reasons. The main one being that my hubby travels. A lot! Because of this there would be those that would assume that I had had an affair. With hubby being in the ministry this would have had the potential to harm his testimony. Many people don't understand EA and to some they would assume that I had an affair and then used this "EA story" to cover it up. It may never had happened this way, but we felt it best not to even go there. Another reason is that my family has a few racists. No, I do not let them dictate what I do. No, I would never allow them to say anything in front of me. But the truth is that they would never accept a child of a different race and I would never want a child to feel different or to be hurt by callous, hateful words said my "family". Hubby's family has bi-racial marriages and children and if they lived near us it would have been great, and would help our child understand differences. But alas, they do not. The third reason is that I want my child to be able to share their story if THEY want to, but not to have to every time we go somewhere. People can be stupid and insensitive, saying things that no normal person ever should. We did not want to have to explain that no, they were not adopted in the traditional sense. Not that adoption is "bad" or negative at all, it just does not accurately describe EA. So, for us, race did play an important role. So, for those of you that have done EA or are in the process, how important was race to you? Did it play a factor in the embryos you chose? If you have a child of a different race how are you dealing with the questions? I know that there are many couples beginning the EA process and could benefit from all sides of this discussion.**Please note: any racial slurs or negativity will be deleted!**

holidays are different now

2011-10-06T14:50:00.001-07:00

When we first got married I loved holidays. I love to decorate and entertain. We always had BBQs for the Fourth, Labor Day and Memorial Day. Christmas Eve was at my house and even if we did not host Thanksgiving dinner I would still decorate. And for Christmas I went all out with the decor. All year long I would look for decorations at yard sales and thrift stores, looking for items to add to my stash. I also began Christmas shopping the day after Christmas. I love holidays!!

As the years passed and all of our friends baby after baby it became difficult to host get togethers. There was no place for the kids to really play and though I had some toys there was not a lot for them to do. And I felt out of place in my own home as the moms congregated and talked diapers, feedings and sleep deprivation. Slowly the get togethers stopped. Then it seemed silly to decorate for anything other than Christmas and even that was no longer fun for me. In 2009 I only put up a tree and even that was done sparsely. It held no joy for me.

This year I anticipate the holidays. There is so much joy in my home and I can't wait to decorate and see Maddie enjoy the lights and decorations. But then I feel guilty. I should have enjoyed life a bit more before having a child. My life was a good one. We have a great marriage and a wonderful family. Looking back I should have focused more on Him than what I was missing. This is not to say that I should not have felt sadness, that was part of my life. But it became my focus and I missed out on some wonderful memories.

I can't change the past but I can embrace the now. Now is easier, I will admit it. But there are days when infertility still leaves me sad, especially knowing that Maddie may never have a sibling. But regardless of the future I am going to enjoy this holiday season.

First time EVER!

2011-10-05T12:46:00.001-07:00

If you have followed my blog for any time at all you have read that Maddie has suffered from chronic ear infections. They began in December when she was just 3 months old and by September she had her 12th one. She had tubes back in April and they only helped for a few weeks. The infections came quickly and were separate infections, not just one that was not healing. After her 4th one we called the ENT. Just waiting for that appointment she got her 5th and 6th one. And her 7th right after that as we waited 3 weeks for her surgery date. It was ridiculous!

After her 10th one we scheduled her 2nd surgery. This one was to replace the tubes (ENT thought that the tubes themselves were infected) and to remove her adenoids. And while waiting for this surgery (insurance was being a pain and it took 4 weeks) she got her 11th and 12th infections. Surgery could not come fast enough! On September 19th she had her surgery and we went into "wait and see" mode, praying that this would heal my little one. If it did not work we were unsure of what else to do. We had already seen an allergist and had allergy testing done. We went to a chiropractor and it did not help either. We cut out dairy. That did not help either. We met a little boy in the pre-op area that was there for his 5th set of tubes and if that did not work he had to have his entire ear canal reconstructed. The very thought scared me for Maddie. We were desperate for this surgery to work!

It has been over three weeks and so far so good. Then on Sunday she woke up with a runny nose. It was not bad, but any time she has a runny nose she inevitably gets an ear infection. Always! By Sunday afternoon she was miserable so we took her to Urgent Care. Though the situation was nowhere near "urgent" I wanted her to be seen by a doctor. If it was an ear infection I wanted medication ASAP. She also has a history of bronchilitis and we wanted to head that off as well. Thankfully both her ears and lungs were clear and we were told to watch her for any changes. By Tuesday her nose was green and really yucky and we were certain that her ears would have drainage as well. Again, nothing! Today she started to cough and we started her breathing treatments. Still, no ear drainage.

This is the first time she has ever had a cold, runny nose, fever, etc without an ear infection. She goes to the doctor tomorrow because her doctor wants to make sure that she does not have an ear infection but so far there are no signs. I am so excited that the surgery may have "fixed" her ear problems!

To tell? Or not to tell?

2011-10-03T17:28:00.000-07:00

Maddie's conception story is no secret. We are honored to have welcomed Maddie into our home through the miracle of embryo adoption. Though we do not tell just anyone about it, we do share with those that are close to us and those that have struggled with infertility. I want Maddie to be comfortable with her birth story though not defined by it. As Maddie is getting older we are being more careful in who we tell as we don't want Maddie to grow up cringing every time we talk to someone about it. But we do want her to hear us discuss it openly, without shame. We are just going to be selective in who those people are.

Today I saw a friend that I had not seen in 4 years. She is very well aware of our struggles though she has no idea what all we have done as far as treatments. Though we are not close friends we still feel comfortable enough to discuss this kind of stuff and she asked me is she was a natural miracle or an IVF one. I was stumped for a second, unsure of how to answer. I did not care to tell all, though I did not want to lie either. Technically Maddie is a product of IVF so that is the story that I went with. I refuse to deny that we used fertility treatments. The world in general has some negative ideas about treatments and Christians even more so. If I deny it or omit it I feel as though I am adding to the shame associated with it, therefore I am fine with disclosing that information. But that Maddie is genetically not ours? I am more reluctant now to do so for the aforementioned reasons. The problem today was that I was unprepared.

Now I am trying to decide how I want to answer these inquiries. Anyone that has known us for any length of time knows that we struggled with infertility. It took us 11 years to get pregnant so it is quite obvious!! I am leaning towards going with the "we did IVF" and just leave it at that for people that we know. To everyone else she is just our miracle baby!!

How am I still fat???

2011-10-03T08:17:00.000-07:00

I chase this kid all day long! She is Speedy Gonzales constantly searching for some new adventure. Yesterday she was standing in the kitty litter box while splashing toilet water everywhere. Today she unlocked and then opened the dishwasher to stand on the door so that she could reach stuff on the counters. She also stands on the shelves of the lower cabinets. That was just the start of my morning. At about 8 am she had her morning poo and I opened the diaper and used my right hand to grab a baby wipe. It was stuff so I used both hands to pull them apart. Big Mistake! She grabbed her poopy diaper from between her legs and wiped poop all over her shirt, face (nose and mouth included), hair and changing table. I grabbed it and wiped her face first. She then stuck her arm in the poo on the changing table. I wipe her arm and she twists and gets poo on her legs. I just needed to wipe her off enough to carry her to the shower!! I finally get her wiped off then scrub her down in the shower. All before 8 am.

I just cannot, for the life of me, understand how I can possibly still be fat while chasing her all day long! She never rests!! She has three speeds: fast, faster and crash! Barney is the only thing that will distract her (that show is like kiddie crack! she is addicted!). And yes, I will use it to give me five minutes of peace and quiet. Don't judge me!! This chubby chick needs a break sometimes! Besides, Barney music is awesome!!

Infertility support....where do you find yours?

2011-09-29T13:27:00.000-07:00

Infertility can be one of the loneliest things to endure. Your friends go on to have children leaving you behind. Sunday school classes for couples tend to discuss child training. Other women get together for play dates which do not include you. It is lonely! Most of us have to go outside of our friends, family and church to find support. I have found mine in a local support group, fellow bloggers and forums. Here are a few of my favorite places and if you have never checked them out you should!!

Stepping Stones This one is my favorite and where I am most active. It is a Christian forum and I have made a lot of good friends here, many that I have met in real life.

Hannah's Prayer: I like this one a lot though I rarely post there. You do have to be a member to see the forums and after 10 posts you get access to more forums and then again at 25 posts. (I think I have that right.

Baby Center: this is mainly a mom community but there are many forums for infertility, EA, donors, etc.

Where do you find your support? Are there any forums that you love? If so, please share them with us!

Becoming all domestic

2011-09-29T08:40:00.000-07:00

When we first got married I planned to be a SAHM. I envisioned myself part Betty Crocker, part Martha Stewart with a dash of June Cleaver mixed in for good measure. I decided not to continue with college and spend time traveling with hubby while waiting for the baby to come. The infertility knocked me on my butt! So now I had no education, very little work experience and no baby. Great! After a few years I went back to work and quickly moved from optician to asst. office manager and had to option to become office manager. Instead I moved to a private opthamalogist's office because there was potential to return to school (paid for by the company) and become an opthalmic tech. There is decent money in this profession and it was one that I would really enjoy. Then it all went downhill. The company was horrible and I hated, absolutely hated, working there. Which is good because as soon as my boss and I set up their new optical (I even wrote their employee manual and handbook) they gave us both the heave ho and replaced us with minimum wage workers that we had trained. Lovely. Now I was back to square one.

I looked for a job for about 18 months but no one wanted to hire me. There were two reasons for this. My previous boss was highly respected in the optical community and since his CFO had nothing nice to say about me (I used my FSA before they laid me off and I had no legal obligation to pay it back and she was livid) and was quick to tell potential employers. The other issue was that for an optician I was paid well at this company. More than others were willing to start me out at so they assumed that I would not stay long therefore choosing not to hire me.

I finally gave up the job search and we started looking into ttc again. It was odd to be out of the workforce and at home again. I thought there was no way that I could enjoy being a SAHW (wife) again but I learned to enjoy it. Now I find myself a SAHM and I love it. I mean, I really love it!! But at times I don't feel as productive. I know that raising my daughter is productive, but it doesn't help pay the bills, ya know. So I am trying to be industrious and learn new things. I have an etsy.com shop but have not done anything with it. With Christmas coming up I have decided to learn how to sew (I know the basic, I am just not very good at it yet). I want to make gifts for family and maybe some things for my etsy shop. A friend is giving me a sewing machine this weekend and I am excited to get started!! I have also started making cakes again and plan to start selling them next year. I love to learn new things and can't wait to use these skills to make some mad money. Maybe even start saving for our next FET. That would be awesome!!! Now off to scour the net for ideas......

Party TIme!!!

2011-09-27T11:45:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my niece's 2nd birthday party. My sister and her fiance went all out and the party was fabulous!! They had a bouncy house, snow cone machine, a clown, face painting and balloon animals. Maddie had a BLAST!!! When she was not trying to go down the bouncy house slide she was stealing shoes. By the time we left she was exhausted! Here are some photos for your enjoyment!

Here is the cake. And yep, I made it. I know, I'm awesome.

First call to Poison Control

2011-09-27T11:31:00.000-07:00

So my little Maddie has been a little spitfire lately. She is into everything. And I mean EVERYTHING! She has opened every drawer in the house today and emptied them all out. I have 3 tables in my living room and they have wicker drawers in them. I finally emptied them out and they are now her toy boxes. She wins!! She also goes into her bedroom and dumps her baskets of shoes, socks and tights. All over her room!

Today I have been trying to clean my house. Trying being the operative word. I used the last of my Ly.sol disinfecting wipes but left the container on my counter. The window was open and the wind blew it of my counter and Maddie got it. It has some the cleaning liquid at the bottom of it but the lid was on so I thought it was okay. Next thing I know she is sucking the cleaner out of the lid. I am sure that she only got a tiny bit of it, but I have no way to be sure. I decided to call poison control just to be safe and thankfully it is okay. And as an added bonus her breath is now Ly.sol fresh!!

I swear, this kid is going make the rest of my hair turn gray!! =)

And the winer is....

2011-09-24T17:37:00.000-07:00

Lara!! I sent you an email with all of the information. Congrats!!!!

Giveaway ends tomorrow!

2011-09-22T15:37:00.000-07:00

I am giving away a $10 gift certificate to shoebuy.com. Wanna win it? Enter it here. It ends tomorrow so HURRY!

Personhood Law

2011-09-22T04:18:00.001-07:00

Mississippi is trying to pass the Personhood Law. In short it would make embryos "people" and give them the same rights as a person. It sounds like a good law, right? For those of us that are pro-life it sounds like a step in the right direction, but in reality it scares me. First, it will ban all abortions. I am anti-abortion for any reason but one: when the life of the mother is at risk. A woman that will die if she carries to term should have the ability to choose life for herself. It is a decision that none of us ever want to face, but the truth is it happens and we need to protect that right. Also, what about ectopic pregnancies? This will also endanger the life of the mother and there is no chance of survival of the embryo. Will this be illegal as well?

Another ramification is for embryologists. Embryos are delicate and many do not survive. Will they be liable for those that are accidentally mishandled? Or those that just don't survive? And what about cryopreservation? Will we no longer be able to freeze embryos? If they are people then I doubt tossing them in a freezer will be acceptable. So this would mean that all IVF procedures would be fresh cycles. This means more money and more medications and invasive procedures for couples undergoing IVF. This would also eliminate embryo adoption/donation in the future once all of the frozen ones were gone. And for those that are currently in cryobanks, if they were made available to other couples it would only be for true embryo adoption. Home studies and adoption agencies would be required and the cost would go up significantly. And that would mean that Maddie would never have a sibling.

With all of that said I do think that the law has soon good points. I do believe that life begins at conception, regardless of where said conception begins. I am against embryonic stem cell research and the destruction of embryos. I am against abortion. But making a law to deems embryos as people is not the way to protect life. Outlaw embryonic stem cell research. Tighten up abortion laws. Encourage clinics to educate patients on what their options are for extra embryos. But not one law encompassing them all.

What are your thoughts on this law?

**This is not a debate about abortion so please do not turn it into that.**

A small giveaway!

2011-09-21T14:44:00.000-07:00

I have a $10 gift certificate for Shoebuy.com that I am unable to use so I thought that I would give it to one of you, my lovely blogger friends. Why? Because you all are awesome!! So if you want it, comment here. No gimmicks. No need to follow me. Though you should 'cuz I'm awesome. But you don't have to be a follower to enter the giveaway. Want an extra entry? Follow a newbie (infertility/adoption/EA blog). Someone with less than 25 followers. Leave a separate comment below with a link to the blog that you have decided to follow. So you have to chances to win!

I will randomly pick someone on Friday and then email you the gift certificate. Simple! So get commenting!

Surgery & Funeral Updates

2011-09-20T19:07:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a crazy, hectic day. We had to be at the hospital at 5:45. As in AM. I had to get up at 4:00 am and hubby got Maddie up to give her a cup of juice before 4:30, the cut off for fluids. I would say that getting up before the butt crack of dawn was difficult, but it wasn't. Sadly, I am used to it with my little early bird. The good thing about leaving this early in the morning is that there is no traffic. The bad thing is that Panera and Starbucks were both closed. Sad. Very sad!

The staff at the hospital was fantastic and Maddie was the first surgery of the day. I thought that I would have a hard time letting her go but she happily waved bye-bye to me as they took her back. The surgery lasted only about 30 minutes and then I went back to recovery to hold her. Poor little lassie was in pain. :( They gave her a tiny bot of morphine and she felt better fairly quickly. Then she was just a bit high! She tried to walk at one point and she looked like a drunk. The rest of the day she slept off and on and was in a pretty good mood. Today she was back to her old self until night time when she became irritable and crabby. Other than that everything is going great! We are now just waiting to see if this fixes her ear infections.

After the surgery I left Maddie with her daddy and I headed out to my step dad's funeral. It was a military funeral and it only took about 15 minutes. I was glad that it was short. His father was not there (the man who molested me as a child) and I was very thankful that I was able to avoid that encounter. I am glad that the funeral is over and behind me.

Thank you all for your prayers and support for both situations!

I blame the donors!

2011-09-17T19:28:00.000-07:00

I love my little Maddie. I really, truly do. She is such a delight. She is my shopping buddy. She is my little cuddle bug. She is also my little tornado!! This kid can get into places I never thought possible. Kind of like a mouse. She can squeeze into the tiniest of spaces. She can also make messes faster than any natural disaster. And if you tell her no? Watch out!! She will throw her head back and holla! She is one strong willed child. She is determined to destroy my phone, demolish my remote and completely tear up my kitchen. And this includes the dog food and the dog water.

I can't tell you how many pieces of dog food I can taken out of her mouth. And the water. Oh, the water!! We change clothes 2-3 times a day just from the dog water.

When she is this little terror we blame the donors. Cause we were both perfect kids and there is not way that she got her bad behavior from us! All of the good though? That's me! But this little hellion in the making...it's all them! ;-)

Maddie also has a shoe obsession. A serious one! She has a basket of shoes in her room ans she will sit there for an hour just trying on shoes. She also wears our shoes and tries to put shoes on us. Trying to get her dressed in the morning is becoming a challenge because I cannot find a matching pair of shoes. And not like matching her outfit, but matching each other. I find shoes in cabinets. I find shoes under the couch. I find shoes in the dog food. I find shoes in my purse. It is ridiculous! But oh so cute to watch!!

You would think that will all of this chasing and hunting I am doing that I wouldn't be fat. But yep, still am! But that could be from the cupcakes.......

Facing my demons

2011-09-13T18:56:00.000-07:00

**This post is about childhood sexual abuse**

When I was a child my stepfather's dad molested me. There. I said it. It is in black and white for the whole world to see. There is much about the abuse that I do not remember. I am fairly certain that I have repressed memories and I have seen a counselor about it. She counseled me to allow the memories but not to dig for them. There is one incident that has always been very clear to me, but the rest is hazy. For some reason I think that it lasted for two years, from ages 5 to 7. I am not sure why I think that was the age, maybe my subconscious mind is telling me that. I remember a few things that happened along with this main one mentioned before. I am not sure why I remember this one so clearly. I can close my eyes and recall the truck he drove, his hand on my thigh as we pulled out of our driveway, the blue nightgown I was wearing with a raccoon and a rainbow on it, the room I slept in there, him pacing the hallway before he entered my room, and him touching me.

Why am I telling you all this now? Because on Monday I may see him for the first time since my mother discovered the abuse. He will be at my step dad's funeral. I am not afraid of him, but I am not looking forward to seeing him. The very thought of sharing the same air as him repulses me. I prefer my memories to stay buried and I do fear that it may not remain this way if I see him again. My counselor warned me that when Maddie hits the age that I was when the abuse occurred that the memories might return and I am prepared for that, but I was not prepared for it to happen now.

I could avoid the funeral. There is not real need for me to be there. He was not my father by blood. He became a despicable person and was no longer the man I knew. But the truth is I loved that man. Before the drugs and alcohol he was am amazing father! I want to honor that man. Also, by not going I will be giving my abuser power and that is not acceptable to me. He has no power to hurt me ever again. I doubt that he even remembers me. And even if he does, so what? I turned out great! He did not ruin me!! His abuse has left some scars but did not destroy me. I refuse to give him the victory.

Now, with all that said, I do realize that this will not be easy. I posted this for two reasons, the first being prayer. Please pray for me! The second is because I am not alone. Sadly, too many of us were abused as children and carry shame. But there is nothing for us to be ashamed about. We did NOTHING wrong. We are innocent. This post is my way of taking back the power and gaining strength for this day. But mostly it is for the prayer!!

Why do you blog?

2011-09-12T06:27:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about blogging the other day wondered why we all do it? Is it narcissism? For educational purposes? A form of therapy? For me it is a few reasons. My blogging journey began as a way to chronicle my embryo adoption journey and to meet other EA mommas. Later it became a way to reach out to others going through infertility and to educate those unfamiliar with EA. Now it is also about relationships. I have "met" some really amazing woman, all in different places, yet all with a common bond. And I feel like you are all "family". Kind of like sisters!

So why do you blog?

honoring the dishonorable

2011-09-10T15:29:00.000-07:00

Today my dad passed away. Not my real dad, but the only dad that I had ever known. My mom grew up in an abusive home. So abusive that she sought any means to escape and getting pregnant at 16 and getting married was her ticket out. At 16 she became pregnant with me and got married shortly thereafter. Life with him was no better than the one she left and when I was a year old she packed a bag and returned to the home she ran away from. My "father" refused to give her any of her stuff or mine and she had just a diaper bag and an overnight bag of clothes. She had nothing. She was also determined that she would do right by me and give me the best life that she could. She worked hard and eventually was able to rent a small trailer on a quiet, dead end street. A neighbor lady babysat me and I called her Maw Maw. She was the grandmother I did not have and her husband my Pap Paw and they loved me dearly. At the end of the road there was a house that had construction work being done and a young man on the crew that noticed my mom. Gary was a hard working, honest man that quickly fell in love with not only my mom but me as well.

I instantly became his shadow. Where he went, I went. What he did, I did. I "worked" with him and we played together.

And he treated my mom like royalty. He bought groceries when there was none. He showed her how to not just care for me but to enjoy being a mother, something that was foreign to her. Eventually my mom became pregnant and at that time Gary became my "dad" as well. He moved her to a bigger place and we soon became a family of four and then later a family of five. Never once did Gary make me feel anything other than his child. I was closer to him than my sister was as we had so much in common. I have many memories of our time together. One of which was that we loved to watch Incredible Hulk and he used to color my face with green chalk.

Gary sounds too good to be true. He was. Sadly, Gary had a drinking problem. He was a happy man and an even happier drunk. He was one of those that were able to drink a 6 pack and you would never know it. But as the years passed his drinking increased. It rarely interfered with his daily activities or work but it still became a source of contention between him and my mom. But that was nothing compared to the drugs he was introduced to when I was 8 years old. I distinctly remember the change in him. My happy, healthy dad became a paranoid, scary monster. He began to steal from neighbors to feed his addiction. He spent the grocery money on his habit. It was at this time my mom had had enough and Gary was kicked out. It took a year or two to finally get him out of the house permanently, but life as we knew it was over. Gary was gone.

Gary later married a woman that accepted him, drugs and all. She enabled him and he loved her for it. They lived in a run down trailer that was not fit for humans. On the rare occasions that we did see him he hardly remembered us. And we barely recognized him. Then yesterday we got a call that he was in the hospital. He was dying and had been put on hospice care. My sister and I decided to go and see him one last time. He was a hardly more than a corpse. His eyes were open but he was in a coma. His wife said that he had showed no signs of recognition or response to anyone for several days, but that he most likely could hear us if we wanted to talk to him. My sister could not bring herself to do so but I did. I said "Dad, Boo and I are here to see you." Instantly his hand moved and he tried to talk. He heard me. He knew me. And my heart was broken. Broken for what could have been. Broken for the man he had become. I continued to talk and he showed a bit more response and then it was over. We said our good byes and cried as we left. We got the call today that he was gone.

The Bible says to honor our parents but he was not worth honor. He was not a father to me anymore. Yet I loved him. I showed what honor I could by saying goodbye and I will attend his funeral. While it was difficult to show him anything other than disdain I will always be thankful for those few moments. That moment that said he knew me and that he loved me.

How many kids would you have had?

2011-09-08T18:26:00.001-07:00

If we lived in a perfect world where all uteruses worked, all eggs of excellent quality floated down the fallopian tube each and every month, and all spermies were present and accounted for happily swimming upstream....How many littles would you have had? What were your original plans back when you were blissfully naive? Would you have had a house full? Just one or two? Nineteen like you-know-who? And now that your dreams and plans have hit the roadblock we fondly call infertility has that number changed?

For us we had "planned" at least 3 children but would have had up to 5 if we could afforded to have that many. I still want three. I am not really sure why, I just picture three kiddos. Maybe because I grew up in a home with three? I don't know. I do know that if we do not have twins the next time that the likelihood of three is slim to none as I will be at least 35 (though closer to 36) when the next one is born and that is best case scenario. That would mean being 38+ for #3. Not unheard of. Not really all that old to have a baby, but it is too old for me. I would prefer not to have a baby that late. I am soooooo tired at 34 that I just don't see being 38 and doing this again. But you never know, I just might! It all depends on how FET #2 goes. And when it happens.

pangs of jealousy

2011-09-04T13:27:00.000-07:00

As infertiles we often find ourselves surrounded by big, round, baby bumps. Bumps that do not belong to us. I am once again finding myself in the midst of a bunch of prolific uteruses. Some of which are very close to home. My sister. I am genuinely happy for her and glad to actually be excited and share in her pregnancy this time. But I am jealous!! She found out the that baby #2 is a girl on Friday and felt her move on Saturday. I immediately felt.....empty. My womb aches to carry another life. Yes, I am immensely thankful for even just one opportunity to get to experience pregnancy. But said experience has made me want it even more.

I am sad that I still feel this way. I want to be happy and nothing else. I don't want to feel sadness and disappointment. I wish that I could fold my arms, nod my head and POOF! Infertility would disappear. Or a baby would appear. Either would work for me.

A few weeks ago I had begun looking into clinics for our next FET. I spent about 2 days with this and decided to put it on the back burner until Maddie's surgery (which is the 19th of this month). After that I will begin calling clinics again. Also, we have been contacted by a couple interested in donating their embryos and they are considering us. I have absolutely no idea if this will work out and we are waiting on Him to lead us and the other couple. It is a huge decision for them and we want them to be completely certain that this is what they want to do and that we are the right family. Until then we are proceeding forward with clinics that have ED programs. And after Christmas we hope to get serious about our next cycle. Well, that is unless I need surgery. Remember my mono? Well, my tonsils are still swollen even after a round of steroids. I may need them removed. *GULP!* I am soooooo not looking forward to this! If I have to have surgery I will wait until January (cause of my deductible) and then once I heal begin plans for the FET.

So until then I will swallow my pangs of jealousy and enjoy what all that God has done for us!

Our crackbaby

2011-09-03T17:05:00.000-07:00

I swear this kid is on crack! Or cocaine. Or something of that nature. Having never tried the stuff myself I really don't know the difference. I just know that Maddie is going 90 to nothing with no end in sight. She has emptied my cabinets, dumped the dog's food, dumped her cereal, emptied her diaper bag, knocked about 100 pieces of paper off my table, taken every shoe out of her bin, dumped the dog's food a second time, and emptied both toy boxes. And that is all since she got up from her nap at 4:00. I am tired just reading about it all! She is currently running through the house screaming. At nothing. Just screaming and laughing. I think that she likes the sound of her voice.

I have to say though that I prefer this kid at warp speed than the tantrum thrower from yesterday. I swear someone snuck into her room and switched kids with me. My sweet Maddie now throws herself to the floor when angry, pinches me if I remove her from something, screams if I say no, and all of the other fun toddler characteristics. Her terrible twos have started a year early.

But even with her bi-polar ways I love this kid. She is a blast to have around, even with her tantrums. And constant messes. Now we just need a sibling for her. Maybe next year.

Common misconceptions about EA

2011-08-29T19:35:00.000-07:00

Today Maddie and I were outside when our neighbor came out and started talking to us. She has only seen Maddie about 2-3 times and she commented on how much she looked like me. I forgot that she did not know how Maddie came to be and I mentioned how ironic that it is considering she is not genetically related to me. She had a funny look on her face so I explained that she was from a donor embryo. Her face lit up and said "Oh! A Snowflake baby!!!". Imagine my surprise that she knew all about EA. There is actually a couple at her church that did EA through the NEDC a few months ago. This began a conversation about EA. She had a really good grasp on the concept (she is in her 50's and never struggles with IF so this was a bit unusual) but there were a few things that she had the wrong idea about.

Misconception #1:
There are hundreds of thousands of embryos available.

Truth:
While there are over 400,000 embryos currently in storage, there is only a small about available for adoption. My neighbor mentioned that a few other couples wanted to do EA to save these little embryos. While I applaud their willingness to help rescue them and give them a chance at life, in reality it would take opportunities from families that had no other options. Many of the frozen embryos are awaiting their parents to thaw them and give them a chance, while some are sitting there until their parents decide what to do with them. Sadly, many of them will end up discarded or used for research. With more education about donation options maybe that number will change one day, but until then there is not an abundance of embryos available for adoption.

Misconception #2:
Embryo adoption is the same thing as embryo donation.

Truth:
Yes. And no. Technically they are very different. However, the term is used interchangeably. While we did embryo donation I still feel like we adopted Maddie as an embryo. The real difference between the two is the process. With EA you must have a home study and is treated as an adoption. This route gives you the option of an open adoption. ED on the other hand is done more like donor egg or donor sperm cycles and is almost always anonymous.

Misconception #3:
EA is expensive.

Truth:
This is another yes and no answer. Fertility treatments are not cheap no matter what. But in the grand scheme of things EA can be less expensive then IVF. ED even less. I know of someone that spent less than $3000 for everything with ED and someone that spent over $16,000 for EA. It all depends on whether you want a more traditional adoption or go through a clinic and do ED.

Misconception #4:
With ED you don't get a medical history.

Truth:
Yet another yes and no answer. Clinics really vary on this one. My clinic gave us a comprehensive medical history on the donor parents, their parents, grandparents and siblings as well as any children they may have. Some clinics give nothing more than hair color or eye color. I am a firm believer in getting as much of a health history as possible and wish that all clinics did so.

Misconception #5:
Babies born through EA are not really "yours".

Truth:
This one is a big, fat false!! Regardless of how a child came to be a part of your family (donor eggs/sperm, adoption, EA/ED, etc) they are most definitely yours. As for feeling "different" about a child not genetically related to you I can assure you that is not so. At least not for me. Maddie is "mine" and I could not love her more.

Maddie's birthday party!

2011-08-26T20:42:00.000-07:00

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a year ago today.....

2011-08-25T20:11:00.001-07:00

A year ago today my precious little Maddie graced us with her presence. A year ago today the 12 years of infertility finally made sense. The pain didn't end, but it lessened. The moment I heard her cry the years of anger and bitterness fell away, my grieving was over. A year ago today my life completely changed. It no longer revolved around "what ifs" and countless doctor's appointments and unsuccessful fertility treatments. It now revolved around a tiny little princess. She is the culmination of years of praying, thousands of tears, and many years of waiting.

Life as a mother is still a bit foreign to me. There are times I look at this little person and wonder how she got here. I still cannot believe that we have her. Now she is leaving her baby days behind (sniff sniff) and moving too quickly into toddlerhood. She has her own personality. She is such a delight!! She has a wonderful disposition and each day brings laughter to our home. She is trying to talk and cracks us up with her attempt at words. She loves her Kee Kee (kitty) and often gives him kisses. Winston is not happy about this new development and boxes her with his paws (don't worry, he's de-clawed!). She calls for her cousin Lella (Bella) and is quick to say Thank You though I am not really sure how to translate that here! It is gibberish sounding but she repeats me when I say it every time so I am counting it! I love to watch her grow and learn!

There are still tears. But now they are not because my arms are empty but because my heart is full.

Surgery it is, then

2011-08-24T21:08:00.000-07:00

Last Wednesday Maddie was diagnosed with her 10th ear infection (her 3rd since getting tubes, the first that we took her back to the ENT for). The ENT suctioned her ears out (horrible experience for both of us!) and sent the fluid to be cultured, hoping to find a specific bacteria to treat. Then on Friday she had a fever of 101.8 and had had diarrhea for 3 days so I took her to her pediatrician. While there the doctor checked her ears and they both looked great. I continued her ear drops until Monday night and then today she had her follow up at the ENT. I mentioned that on Friday her ears looked great and he was glad to hear it. He then asked how she was acting/feeling. I told him great but last night she was restless and then woke up at 2 am and stayed up until almost 6 am. We are all exhausted!!! I jokingly said "I hope it wasn't because her ears hurt." Ha Ha Ha. Wouldn't you know it, one ear had fluid again!!! We were both shocked!! The ENT admitted to being perplexed but her infections since there is no obvious cause. I really appreciated his honesty.

We discussed our options and he is fairly certain that the actual tubes are harboring bacteria (which is sadly quite common) and once replaced it should reduce, if not eliminate, her ear infections drastically. Also, he will remove her adenoids. There is no guarantee that this will work but we feel it is the best option at this time. I have spoken to other moms that have dealt with similar issues with their little ones and most of them had great success with removing the adenoids. We are praying that this is the answer for her chronic infections. I am not sure of the date for her surgery yet but once I do I will post it. Prayers are appreciated!!!

Who are theses people?

2011-08-23T09:11:00.000-07:00

Right now I think that I would have to answer YES!!! You know, I read these mommy blogs where these women are SAHM with 6 kids, clip coupons, keep their house spotless, sew their children clothing, decorate like out of a magazine, host parties, and cook gourmet meals. Who are theses people???? I look around my house that looks like a tornado just came through it and I envy their organization and character. I have my 1 year old daughter and my 2 year old niece today. They are trashing my house!!! Granted, it started out halfway there, but still. I have dishes in the sink, the carpet needs vacuumed, lunch needs to be made, half of the laundry is folded, Maddie has finally been dresses but now her shirt is stained, and I need to put some make up on. All of this and I am in the middle of making the decorations for Maddie's birthday party on Friday. I still not to shop for that too. And all I want to do is turn on some music, grab a book and soak in the tub. I want to fold my arms, nod my head and viola! The house is clean. I need a maid. And a cook. And maybe a personal shopper.

I want to be the women I read about. I would love perfection. But it ain't gonna happen!! So instead I will enjoy my crazy life, listening to sounds of my daughter's laughter. And assume that those with "perfect lives" must live in Stepford.

Who am I?

2011-08-22T15:12:00.000-07:00

For those that are visiting from ICLW let me catch you up to speed and tell you a little about me and my journey.

*Married for 12 years. TTC all of those years.

*What can go wrong will go wrong: I have endo, mild PCOS, blocked tube and a damaged ovary on the "good" side. Hubby has no swimmers at all. Nothing. Nada! A really bad combination for baby making.

*We tried to adopt. Twice. Both epic fails.

*We tried 4 IUIs with donor sperm. Again, everything went wrong. The frozen swimmers did not thaw well and the count was low. I developed a uterine infection. Had to get a new donor. No BFP from any of these attempts.

*At the 11 year ttc mark we embarked on a new leg of our journey: EA. We actually did anonymous embryo donation through a local clinic.

*Our miracle baby is a baby no more. She turns a year old on Thursday.

*We are currently pursuing baby number two. However, our clinic closed and we are starting from scratch.

Well, there you have it. My life in bullet points. Feel free to stick around and follow the continue ttc saga.

I've been thinking about them

2011-08-21T19:50:00.000-07:00

This week is Maddie's first birthday. It is hard to believe that an entire year has already passed. This week has been a time of reminiscing about the journey that brought us here. I remember how hopeless our situation was in early 2009. I remember getting the call that we had been matched with embryos. But I am also thinking a lot about "them", the donor couple. The people that gave us the gift of Maddie. I wonder if they wonder about those 6 tiny embryos.

Each night when I kiss Maddie good night I thank God for their selfless gift. Every morning when I see her smile I can't help but feel a connection to these faceless, nameless people that changed our lives forever. I look in Maddie's eyes and try to see her genetic family. While some recipient parents may want to block out that their child is not genetically related I look for the little signs that prove that she is not. Maddie looks and acts so much like us that I tend to forget her heritage. But to forget it is to deny who she is. And it denies that gift that her genetic parents gave us. I am proud of how Maddie came to be. I am humbled by their gift. I can't wait until she is old enough to understand about her beginnings. It is a miracle, plain and simple. And I want her to love this couple as much as I do. She may never get the opportunity to meet them and they may never know about her existence, but I want her to always know about them and how much they loved her to give her this chance at live. And maybe one day God will bring us all together so that I may thank them in person.

Going organic.....can I do it?

2011-08-19T15:55:00.000-07:00

Through some of my research about ear infections I have come across articles and people that have encouraged me to consider going organic. Though some readers may think that I am sitting idly by and watching my daughter suffer, I assure you that I am constantly looking for answers. At this point we have tried almost everything and organic is about the only thing left. Seriously, if someone told me to cover her in honey and let her run naked through the street I would try it. I am desperate for answers! But going organic scares me!!1 It is so.....overwhelming! I am not a cook every night and always from scratch kind of person. I like prepackaged sauce mixes. Convenience foods are, well, convenient. Pepsi and Swiss Cake rolls are my friends. Pizza delivered? Awesome!!! Chinese food? Amazing!! And I can't help but wonder, can I give it all up?

The answer is yes. Yes, I can! For my daughter's health I can do anything. But I won't lie to you, I am not happy about it. Thankfully we have a Trad.er Joe's about 20 minutes from us and their prices are fairly reasonable so shopping there won't be too bad. And we have two local grocery stores with a fairly good selection of organic foods. Now I just need to know what to purchase and how to cook it. We typically eat tacos, spaghetti, pork chops, casseroles, and other preservative laden delicacies. Cooking healthy and organic will be very new to me.

I "know" that eating healthier I will feel better as will hubby. I "know" that even if it does not cure Maddie's ear infections it will still be healthier for her. Hubby and I both struggle with weight and I will not allow Maddie to deal with being overweight. after Maddie's birthday next week we will get started. But until then I have a Pepsi calling my name!!!

I am not a bad mom. I am not a bad mom.

2011-08-18T11:39:00.000-07:00

This has been my mantra as of late. I repeat it over and over to remind myself that I am, in fact, a good mother that loves her baby and is doing everything that she can to make it all better. Why do feel like a failure, you ask? Because Maddie has her 10th, yes 10th, ear infection. Her 10th in 8 months, her 3rd since tubes. Yesterday she saw the ENT again and they suctioned her ears out. I cannot tell you how horrible this was!! It took 3 of us to hold her down, myself included. As I am holding her arms down and listening to her cries turn to screams I saw her face. She had this "Make it stop, Mommy" look on her face. She wanted me to fix it and make it all better but here I was, holding her down for them to cause the very thing hurting her. I bawled like a baby the entire time, covering the nurses arms in my tears. When it was finished I grabbed Maddie and help her tight, our tears mingling together.

I can't help but think that if I had nursed her longer we would not be going through this. Or if I cleaned my house better. Or what if I did not have pets? Would that have helped? Should I have taken her to the chiropractor sooner? Cut out dairy months ago? Why can't I make her boo-boo all better?

The truth is that I know in my head that I am doing absolutely everything possible for Maddie, but my heart still hurts. Recently I saw something on television about a woman with Munchausen by Proxy and I honestly could not comprehend how someone could actually make their child ill just for attention. It is obviously a disease as no mother wants to watch their little one suffer. It pains me to watch her burn up with fever and pull and tug at her ears. I dread putting antibiotics into her tiny, little body. I hate holding her down to put ear drops in her ears. I am embarrassed to admit how often she sees a doctor or that she has an ENT, an allergist/pulminologist, and a chiropractor. Yet all of these things are necessary.

As it stands now if she gets one more infection she will have her tubes removed as well as her adenoids. We are at a loss as to what is causing this and hope that we find a solution soon. Prayers are appreciated!

No MRSA!!!

2011-08-10T20:02:00.000-07:00

Maddie had her follow up appointment today and the the results of the culture came back fine. No MRSA!!! And her ears look fabulous! Completely clear, no fluid at all. While there we had her see the audiologist for a hearing assessment. Maddie is not much of a "talker". She says dadada but that is about it. She also makes the M sound but not much else. She is a bit behind (not much though) and I wanted to rule out hearing loss. She passed the test with flying colors. The doctor thinks that the previous fluid in her ears would have prohibited her from hearing as well as she could have and slowed her down some. Now that her ears are clear she should start picking up more words and sounds. So all in all a great visit!! Thank you all so much for the prayers!!

And as for me and the mono, I am doing pretty good. I only felt bad the first few days and except for the horrendous sore throat I have felt fine. No fatigue or anything which is why the doctor was fairly certain I did not have mono. I am very thankful that I am not experiencing the fatigue as Maddie is now getting her 1 year molars (oy vay!!) and is not sleeping well at all. Hubby has been traveling so I am not getting much rest at all. If I felt awful right now with this lack of sleep I would lose my mind. Hopefully I don't get any of that extreme tiredness and fatigue either.

Now, I must go to bed! Night all!

Mono and MRSA

2011-08-09T20:13:00.000-07:00

What a combo, huh?? I have mono and Maddie is being tested for MRSA. Let me back up and start at the beginning...

I posted a week or so ago about my Maddie and I both being sick. I had had a very bad sore throat that I went to the Urgent Care for and was given antibiotics for a sinus infection. I began to feel better a day or so later but then the symptoms returned. I went to the doctor yesterday and they tested me for mono. Imagine my surprise when it came back positive!! I really assumed that is was strep since I never had a fever nor have I been fatigued. Well, at least not more than normal. Considering my daughter is an insomniac I have no idea what "normal" is anymore.

Now onto the MRSA. Maddie has been unable to shake her ear infection despite 2 oral antibiotics and antibiotic drops. We had a follow up with her ENT and he said that there was a lot of fluid in her ears (even with the drainage) and he suctioned it out. He then took a culture to have it tested for MRSA. We get the results tomorrow. He also gave her new ear drops which seemed to have helped so I am hoping that there is not a staph infection. But if there is it will explain why she has had so many issues with her ears.

That about sums up my life right now! Doctors, doctors, doctors!!!

Send some love

2011-08-07T20:16:00.000-07:00

A blogger friend just went through a disrupted adoption. Please take a moment and visit Bethanie and send her some love.

cycle of names

2011-08-07T06:00:00.000-07:00

YEars, and years, and years ago, when hubby and I first got engaged (and we were young and naive...aka before infertility), we talked about our future kiddos. You know, the ones you "plan" on having? The ones you will conceive on the first month of trying. Yeah, those. We talked about how many we would have, how many years apart they would be, and what names we liked. I always liked less popular names but nothing made up or with wonky spelling. I never wanted to be trendy and have my child have the same name as 4 other kids in her class. But I also didn't want people to have to ask how to pronounce their names either. So we chose a few: Abigail Renee, Madison Grace and Braedon Taylor being amongst our favorites. When we chose these names we had never met another Madison or Braedon so that was great. Fast forward a bagillion years and now these two are on the top 10 list of names as is Abigail. Well, crap!!! We loved our names!! We had dropped Abigail after our little one that we tried to adopt was names Abigail Renee, but we still loved Braedon and Madison. But now they were trendy. Then I decided, who cares?!?! I chose them first and I loved them. So what if they will be one of many, they are still awesome names. And as the rate we are going the name Braedon may be out of date before we ever get to use it!!

Because of the possibility of twin with an FET we always try to have 2 boy names and 2 girl names chosen. And since we hope to try again soon we began talking names again. Choosing names gives us hope. Hope that we will one day have children to use those names. Maybe not 4 more children, but one or two would be amazing!! So here are our other names. I think that they are pretty awesome even if trendy.

Boys:
Braedon Taylor
Liam Reed
(Bryce Desmond is in the running too, but we are leaning towards Liam)

Girls:
Olivia (not sure of the middle name. I kinda like Reese though)
Elaina (again, no middle name yet)
We would call them Livvie and Lainey. Cute, huh??

If we have boy/girl twins it will be Braedon and Olivia. Now if we could only have some babies to go with these names!!! If not, I better start getting some puppies to name! Cause I am gonna use them!

Have you chosen names? Does it give you hope? Or just make it harder for you? Have your choices changed over the years of waiting?

FInding an ED program is harder than I thought!

2011-08-04T14:01:00.000-07:00

So I began calling clinics today. The one near me does not have an ED program. Actually, no one the entire state claims to have one. Most of the clinics listed on the embryoadoption.org site does not include an ED program on their websites. I could call them (and I will) but it would be much easier if they listed it on their site. I have contacted 2 clinics and am waiting for further information. It looks like we will have to travel for baby #2. It would have been easier to stay close to home, but that is okay. During this bit of research I am quite surprised at how much the costs of the FET varies. So far the range is $1500-$9800. This is for clinic programs, not EA with home studies.

For those of you that did ED (anonymous donation at a clinic) where did you go? What was your wait time? How much was the FET and other related costs (not including meds)? If you do not want to post it publicly please feel free to email me at agreateryesblog@gmail.com. Or if you have a few extra embryos sleeping in your freezer I will be more than happy to give them a home. ;-)

Tentatively taking that first step!

2011-08-02T21:29:00.000-07:00

Well, it is official. We are actively looking for embryos again!! We won't really be ready until Spring of 2012 (unless the money lands in our lap....will provide my address if anyone has a few extra bucks laying around) but we are looking into clinic programs starting this week. I am excited to be taking this first step. I want to jump ahead and plan out every last detail but when I do that my hopes are dashed when everything doesn't work out the way I planned. So we will take it one step at a time and allow God to direct us. We are open to finding embryos on our own and using a local clinic (there are 2 available if we go this route) or we will find a clinic with a program already in place. There is a local clinic that may be an answer to that prayer and I will call them tomorrow to find out for certain. If not we may be traveling to CA or FL.

This makes me nervous! And excited!! And a bunch of different emotions. I do like to at least be "doing" something even if it is just researching options. And praying for His direction and leading to the embryos He has for us.

what if baby number 2.......

2011-07-31T19:42:00.000-07:00

Maddie was from an anonymous donation and there are no embryos left. When we ttc for baby #2 we have to start over with a new clinic and new embryos. While I wish that Maddie would have a genetic sibling I am am at peace that it is not to be. However, I wonder what the next one will be like. Now, I know that I am biased, but let's be honest: Maddie is freaking adorable!!! And I can say this because it has nothing to do with me. She also has a pleasant disposition and a great personality. She has gorgeous hair and a perfect little mouth. What if baby #2 is, well, ugly? Or a whiny, crying, clingy baby that no one likes? Of course we all want beautiful babies with great dispositions, but that is not a concern for me personally. I will love any baby no matter what. But I have to say that I hate the thoughts of others comparing the two children and the second one falling short. And to say that won't happen is a lie. It happens all of the time. People are cruel. My own sister was the whiny, stringy haired, bratty little girl that no one liked. I was a chubby, curly haired, sweet little cherub that everyone adored. (A bit of a stretch, but you get the idea ;-) I remember people saying to my sister "Maybe you will be as pretty as Jessie when you grow up." It hurt to hear these things. It was cruel!! And my sister turned out gorgeous! She is a tall, leggy, thin blond while I an a short, rotund, brunette. SO take that, meanies!!!

I know that I can't control how my children, genetic or not, look or act, but I do think about it. I don't necessarily worry about though. Just think about it. Do you ever think bout this? Did you deal with this in your own family? Is it silly?? Or just a natural part of motherhood?

My new ED/A blog

2011-07-30T18:55:00.000-07:00

I have decided to start a new blog just for ED/A. This blog will remain my personal blog but the new one will be just for ED/A. It will have the same resource pages that are on here but it will also contain success stories and other ED/A info as well. There are so few ED/A blogs that are just about the subject and not trying to persuade you to use a specific clinic or program, or about a person's life in general. So this blog will be just that. For everyone involved in ED/A and allow for us to help each other navigate this journey.

If you are considering ED/A, in the process, completed the process or are a donor parent please stop by!!

Dreaming of Conceiving

by request: Cloth Diapering update

2011-07-30T11:33:00.000-07:00

This marks month 9 of CDing for us. I am what I would call a casual/serious CD-er. I use cloth about 75% of the time. I prefer sposies when running errands and overnight. On our recent trip out of town we used sposies as well as it was easier. But at home and at church we use cloth and I can honestly prefer cloth. Here is what I like about them:

*Cost. I love not having to buy and throw diapers away. On average I spend about $10 a month on sposies for out and about. Last week I spent $25 for just the one week (with coupons) and it felt like I was throwing money away. I even used coupons and it was still expensive for diapers and wipes.

*No chemicals. On the off chance that the chemicals cause infertility it makes me feel better knowing she has limited exposure to them.

*The feel. Cloth just feels better than the ucky sposies.

*They are cute. Seriously, what is cuter than a fluffy butt??

What I don't like about cloth:

*They do wear out. I recently threw one away because the elastic and the velcro all needed to be replaced. It also had some small holes and it was not worth repairing. Now, I do buy mine second hand so that was to be expected.

*Poop removal. I don't like it. At all. I don't have a sprayer so I use a wet wipe to get up the bigger clumps and then I wash the rest. I was about every 2-3 days so it doesn't sit long. Some of the diapers do have stains but I haven't tried to sun them so they may come out.

*Having to change them every 2-3 hours. Sposies do last longer.

I will admit, cloth is not for everyone. But I do like them. They work for me and my family. My original reason for choosing cloth was because I just liked them. I also liked the thoughts of saving money, though at the time it was not my main reason. Then a few months ago we hit a really bad financial rough patch and I was so thankful to have cloth diapers. It was nice not to have to choose between diapers and groceries. Or diapers and paying bills. I didn't have to worry about coming up with money that we really did not have to buy diapers.

I would encourage anyone considering them to try them out. A friend of mine is expecting twins next year and I am going to let her borrow mine to try them out before she makes a commitment. If you are not able to borrow diapers there are ways to get them very inexpensively to try them out. I have covers and flats, AI2s, pockets and AIOs. I still love AIOs but am glad that I got to try many of them out before buying all of one kind.

If you have any CD questions please feel free to ask!!!

because misery loves company

2011-07-29T20:26:00.000-07:00

I have been a horrible blogger, I know! Please forgive me!!! Life has just been crazy lately. Okay, it has been crazy for awhile now but these last 2 weeks have been the worst. Seriously, they have been.....yuck! It started with us leaving for IA for a week. Here is how it went:

*Maddie got sick almost immediately. We began nebulizer treatments trying to minimize her cough. Wednesday it got worse so I took her to the ER just to be safe. She was diagnosed with an upper respiratory infection. Her third in 4 months.

*The next day she had a fever, wasn't eating and just looked bad so I took her back. She now had an ear infection. Her 9th. In seven months. ERRRR!!! They gave her an antibiotic.,

*Went to Wal.greens to get the RX filled. IT was the wrong RX. It was written for an 88 year old man. Pharmacy called hospital to correct it and when I returned it was pills. For my 10 month old. Seriously? They fixed it and gave her liquid but I still was unsettled about it and called our pharmacy back home just to be safe.

*Friday I was up with the most awful sore throat. EVER! And I have had strep and this was way worse. Way!

*Monday arrive home to soaking wet carpet. The A/C unit in our hallway was clogged and our hallway and Maddie's room were sloshing wet. Had to call repair man.

*Monday night I go Urgent Care for the sore throat as it is not getting any better. If I did not have a cough drop in my mouth I was almost in tears. Douche bag of a doctor told me to "use lozenges" and it was a sinus infection. Like i hadn't been doing that. He gave me an antibiotic and after much whining lidocaine as well. That stuff is gold!

*Wednesday we had a friend come over to charge the A/C in our 2nd car as hubby was going out of town on Thursday and I was to drive the Buick. Car has been sitting for a few months and the battery was dead. While trying to jump start it the door closed and the doors automatically locked. With the keys inside. SO no air, no battery and now no keys.

*Thursday my BIL came over and got the doors open. He jumped the car as well. I left it running but with the door open so as not to have a repeat of the night before. I then went to move our Tahoe which was behind the Buick. While backing up I noticed that the Buick door began to close. In a panic I threw the Tahoe in park and ran to grab the Buick door, only the Tahoe was not in park. It was in reverse and the door knocked me to the ground as it rolled into the neighbors yard. As I lay in the middle of the street I see it heading straight for our neighbor's car. I jump up and run my chubby little self towards it and jump in and stop it mere inches from the car. I quickly park it praying that no one had seen me.

*I then take the Buick to get the A/C charged and it won't move. The tires are locked. It finally goes and I get the A/C charged but it didn't work. No air. At least not cold air.

*And now I have thrush.

So that is my week!!! Actually, the last two weeks. Aren't you glad that you aren't me?? Next week will be better. It has to be! I can laugh at all of this now, but sheesh! It was a crazy 2 weeks.

On the Maddie front her birthday party is coming along. She is doing well. We are seeing a chiropractor now for her ears and are also cutting out all dairy. Not as easy as it sounds, but worth a try. So that sums it all up!

Planning her 1st Birthday!

2011-07-12T19:50:00.000-07:00

Can you believe that Maddie's first birthday is just weeks away?? I can't! It amazes me how fast she is growing up. I am excited about her birthday party. We are keeping it low key with mainly family and a few friends. We are having it at a local park under a pavilion. We will BBQ and have some other goodies. I plan on making the decorations, the cupcakes and even her outfit which will be a tutu. Everything will be in hot pink and lime green. I think that it will be adorable and I am excited to get started. I have set myself with a personal goal to do it all for $100 (including pavilion rental) and now I am shopping for bargains. I have already found a few deals. I wanted a beverage tub in pink and Walmart had one for $9 that I got for 80 cents! I got a case of water for $2 and I have coupons for 20 free Sier.ra Mists. I also have 2 packages of hot dogs for $3 so my total so far is less than $6. Once I get things finished I will post some photos. =D

And if anyone has any ideas of places to get cheap stuff please share!

Old habits will die hard

2011-07-06T07:50:00.000-07:00

First, I want to take a moment to thank everyone for all of the responses to my last post. The prayers and the support as we told Dudley goodbye were appreciated.

And yes, Dudley is gone. He went peacefully at 5:30 last night. And it was one of the most difficult things that I have ever had to do. It was as bad as letting Abbie go (failed adoption). When I had to sign the form to authorize him to put him to sleep I started to cry. When he gave him the first shot, a tranquilizer, I wanted shout STOP!! I wanted to grab Dudley and run out of there, but I made myself stay. To do the right thing. And the right thing sucks, let me tell you!!! The tranquilizer made him want to vomit so he shook some and that really was hard for me to witness. But once it was done and he was at peace I felt some relief. Well, at first I wept and was a bit angry, but it did bring some peace to me to know that he was no longer suffering.

My vet was a tremendous help through all of this. He was super kind and very compassionate. And while we are on the subject of the vet let me tell you a little bit about him. We have been taking our pets there for about 8 years. We decided to try him because he was recommended to us and he is a lot less expensive than other vets. He is 50-75% cheaper. Seriously! But that is most likely because be has not updated anything since 1910. The place looks like a storage shed with a few tables. They take cash and check and will take a credit card but will charge you 12% more. And the vet himself......He is in his 70's and a hippie. Literally! He grows his hair for Locks of Love which is awesome but he doesn't brush it between cuts. He throws it back into a ratty ponytail. He has black, plastic glasses that are taped in a few places. He wears the same 2 pairs of shorts and both are made from hospital scrubs material and his underwear are higher than his shorts. And they are holey!!! He has socks up to his knees. His car is covered in bumper stickers saying Make Love Not War, PEACE, and other similar sayings. Hilarious!! But they guy is amazing! He loves his job and really does it well. I will be sending him a card for helping me through all of this.

Today has been tough. Old habits die hard. I have never said "Sadie, let's go outside." (Sadie is our other pup) It has always, always, always been "Dudley! Sadie! Let's go outside." Dudley slept with me, laying against me. If he was not there he was beside my bed. I got up this morning and looked to make sure I did not step on him. But he was not there. When I shower he lays by the shower. Today he was not there. I look for him and he is nowhere to be found. His toys and his belly bands (to prevent marking) are still here. But he is not. This is going to take some getting used to........

saying good-bye to my furbaby :(

2011-07-04T19:27:00.000-07:00

When we first found out that we were infertile we learned that friends of ours had dealt with it as well. During their wait they bought a puppy and he was their "baby". They named him Dudley and he really helped to ease the pain they were feeling. Once they learned about our struggles they wanted to show their support and maybe help ease our pain as well and they gave us one of Dudley's puppies. We named him Dudley Jr and he has been my baby. My first baby. We have had him for over 11 years and we love him to pieces. He sleeps with us, he travels with us, we even dress him in those ridiculous sweaters.

Dudley has always been a healthy dog so when I noticed him really slowing down I feared the worse. Then I noticed a large lump under his jar and my heart sank. We took him to the vet immediately and the vet was not optimistic. He treated him with antibiotics in case it was an infection but that did not help. In fact, he has more lumps and he is very lethargic. Tomorrow I will call the vet to take him in again. If the vet is fairly certain it is cancer we will say our good-byes. If he thinks that there is a good chance of it being something else we will have testing done.

I am not holding on to any hope of it being treatable. He is too old for expensive testing and treatments. Just the blood work alone is $150. If it is cancer we are looking at thousands of dollars for him to maybe live an extra year or so. We do not have the money nor the heart to put him through all of that. So chances are tomorrow we say good-bye. And it is killing me!!!! I am praying that he will pass in his sleep tonight so that I will not have to make this decision. I can't stand the thoughts of him wagging his tail as I take him to his final destination, looking at me with his big, brown eyes. I really don't want to do this! But I have to. He is my baby and it is my place to be with him.

Please pray for me tomorrow. I really need strength to say bye to him. We all love our pets but to those of us that suffered infertility I think that pets hold a special place in our hearts that only other infertiles really can understand.

CIO makes me sad

2011-06-30T19:48:00.001-07:00

CIO (cry it out) was something that I hoped to never have to do. But alas, it was necessary. Maddie is a fantastic child. She listens fairly well, so far no separation anxiety and will go in the nursery easily, eats well, is loving, etc. We mainly fight with her on eating dog food and paper and playing in the dog water. And sleeping. Or the lack thereof. She has always been a horrible sleeper. She used to get up at 2 am and stay up for 3-4 hours. Then she quit sleeping in her bed at all. She gets up 2-4 times a night still and she is 10 months old!! Most of these bad habits started because of her ear infections. Laying down for any length of time caused pain and I just didn't have the heart to make her. So she slept with us. But now that she is better it was time.

Tonight I made her cry herself to sleep. I felt like a horrible mommy!!! I have attempted this before but only lasted about 15 minutes. She cries like her best friend died and I just couldn't handle it. She would be red, covered in tears and trembling. It was awful!! But the past few nights she barely slept and had hubby not been home I would have had to find someone to watch her. I did not want to be near her. I was exhausted!!! And at my wits end. So I had to grow a backbone and do this. She cried for 40 minutes and I checked on her twice (which only made it worse) but she did it. She fell asleep!!! It was one of the worst things I had to do, but it was so worth it!! Now if she would just sleep all night...... One battle at a time, I guess!

Infertility Purgatory

2011-06-22T17:28:00.000-07:00

Infertility is hell. Fertility is heaven. That would make secondary infertility purgatory. Here you have seen both the good and the bad, yet you are neither fertile or infertile. You have the joys of one and the pain of the other. Today I feel that sense of limbo more than usual. My brother's girlfriend had their baby on Sunday. Today my sister announced that she is pregnant with baby number two. I am happy for both, yet sad for myself. And feeling guilt for being sad. I have a baby so I should be fine, right? At least I thought it would be that way, but it is not the case. I long for the ease in which they conceive. I ache to feel a baby move inside of me again. And I am terrified that I will not get that opportunity again. But oh so grateful that I got at least once chance. Such a dichotomy.

Today I wish that there was a way out of this purgatory, though thankful that I am not in infertility hell either. Another person "passing" me and having babies. Someone younger. Wow! This is one craptastic mood!!! LOL I will try to be in a better mood next time. =)

June Cleaver, I'm not!

2011-06-21T14:13:00.001-07:00

I always had this image of the "perfect mom". She was a cross between June Cleaver, Claire Huxtable and Carol Brady. I am not sure what exactly I am, but it's not those three! I always pictured my house clean, myself impeccably dressed, Maddie in the cutest clothes and bows and gourmet dinners on the table. Instead I look like a schlub, dinner is hot dogs, my house is trashed and Maddie....well.....let's just say that I think she is always adorable, but the other day she was total dirtball. I have always said that I would never let my child run around in just a diaper. Yeah, right! Last week Maddie had Hand, Foot & Mouth disease and was miserable. She ran a 102 fever and was covered in blisters. I stripped her down to a diaper and let her go. I then gave her some juice and she dribbled half of it all over her. Do you know what happens to juice when it dries? It gets sticky!! So Maddie was covered in dog fur, my hair, lint and anything else she could find. She then fell asleep just like that. Yeah, I win mother of the year!!!

Seriously though, I am much more laid back than I thought I would be. I wish that I spent a bit more time cleaning or cooking, but mostly I am too tired (she still does not sleep well). And I would rather spend time with her instead. I may never get this opportunity again and I want to cherish every minute of it. One day I will clean this house! Or hire someone to do it for me!!

Adventures in POOP

2011-06-12T20:09:00.001-07:00

Maddie is now 9 months old and goodness, this child gets into everything!!! And when I say everything I mean EVERYTHING. This includes poopie. It all started last week. She was playing so nicely by herself, laying under the kitchen table. She was laughing and being so good. Then she crawled to me and had a little Hitler stache. I thought "I wonder what she got into". I picked her up to look and the smell hit me. It was poo!!! While laying on the kitchen floor (on an area rug) she poo'd and it came out the back of her diaper. It was on the rug, both of her hands, her face (yuck!!!) and now all over me. This was one of those times that you strip them down and hose them off in the tub. Hubby and I joked that since she likes poo we were going to have to fight her and the dogs away from the cat litter now. (yes, my dogs like kitty poo. We call it the poo-poo platter.)

Well, guess what?? I am a prophetess. I saw the future. Today I thought that she was sitting by my feet. Instead she had silently crawled down the hallway and into the bathroom. I found her with both hands in the kitty litter. Do you realize just how gross this is????? She thought it was hilarious!! As I told her "NO, Maddie!! We don't play with kitty poo!! Yuck!" I began stripping her down and bathing her. Again. Thankfully I got to her before she ate any of it. I think. We shall see what we find in her diaper tomorrow.

Then tonight. Oh, yes, the adventure continues. Maddie had a stinky diaper so I changed her. No problem, all went well. Then I noticed that she felt warm so I took her temp. I still take it rectally and she does fine with it. We do it often as she has had chronic infections and I have had to monitor it so it was no big deal. But this time she fought me a bit. I noticed that it bothered her and she was bearing down. I assumed (stupid me) that she was just trying to push out the thermometer. How wrong I was!!! Before I know it out comes poopie. All over the table, her clothes and the thermometer. That is still in her bum. I couldn't get it to stop. It was like a soft serve ice cream machine stuck in the on position. Poo was going everywhere and I had no place to put the thermometer. I finally get it all cleaned up but realize that I need to do this again. The thermometer hadn't stopped and it was on 101.8 when I took it out. Great! A fever! So we try this again. And you guessed it.....another pooplosian. But I didn't give up!! Well, not until after 4 attempts. I still am not sure what her actual temp was. Once she fell asleep I took it under her arm and it was only 99.6 so either it went down after the Tylenol or it was never that high and the poo just warmed up the thermometer. That is just nasty!

So that was my week. I have had it up to here with poo! Literally!!!!

this was to be the month

2011-06-08T05:53:00.000-07:00

After I had Maddie I asked my OB when I could get pregnant again. He preferred that I wait 9 months so that there was 18 months between deliveries. This month marks the 9 month mark. And I am not pregnant. Nor am I anywhere near being able to try again. I will admit that it makes me a bit sad. I had really hoped to be in the position to at least begin looking for a clinic with available embryos, but we are at least another 6 months from that. Why in the world I had even thought to "plan" a pregnancy I will never know!!! I "planned" to have babies 12 years ago but you can see how that worked out for me!! LOL

I hate to be in another holding pattern, but obviously God wants me there. He wants me to wait a bit longer. Or maybe even a lot longer. Probably until He knows that I won't lose my mind. Sleep deprivation is killing me!!! But I'm not complaining. Its a good problem to have. Now off to try to nap for a few minutes......

donating embryos vs. using them for research

2011-06-02T19:49:00.000-07:00

I was reading a post on Baby Center about SCR (stem cell research), specifically embryonic stem cells. The general consensus was that it is a great idea and many stated that embryos might as well be used instead of thrown away and "what else will they do with them anyway". While reading this I am shouting "donate them to couples!!!!". One even posted this:

What do the people who regard embryos as a life want to do with the surplus embryos? Is there a line forming to bring them to term, even though they are discarded from their original parentage?

I replied that YES, THERE IS A LINE!!!!! I was shocked at how many people were completely clueless about embryo donation/adoption. I am sure that I would have been one of them had I been fertile, but sitting here with my little donated embryo baby sleeping next to me it is no longer just a concept, but a reality. A dream come true.

As I was reading this thread I thought about the argument that I have heard repeatedly that it is "too hard" to donate embryos to a couple so they would just rather donate them to research. I just cannot comprehend that line of thinking. I realize that donating embryos is not an easy decision, really I do. But if you can recognize that the embryo is the beginning of life when it comes to ED/A how can you donate that same embryo? Is it no longer a baby waiting to be? How is allowing an embryo to be destroyed in the name of research a good choice, an ethical and moral choice? How is it easier than giving that embryos a chance at life?

I think that we are in this place because of our legal system and it's definition of what a baby is. If you are 10 weeks pregnant and wish not to become a mother you can have an abortion because it is only a "mass of cells". But if the same woman wants to be a mother and someone assaults her and she miscarries that same mass of cells is now a baby and the attacker a murderer. How does this thought process make sense?? It doesn't! Yet we apply this same skewed logic to embryos. During IVF the embryos are little lives to us (pro-lifers) and if we choose to donate they are little lives as well. But if we are unable to make that decision to donate and choose discarding them or donating for research they are now just cells? How does that work?

With all that said I do not favor giving embryos rights. I know that to some that may seem contradictory. I do value human life and wish that more people did as well. But if we give rights to embryo, treating them as though they are full humans, then we are entering dangerous territory. If a doctor makes a mistake and an embryo is destroyed he would then been a murderer. It would also mean that embryo donation would be a thing of the past and we would all have to go the full adoption route. While I love that there are agencies out there offering embryo adoption I do not want to see all donations become adoptions. There are many wonderful couples out there that are unable to do an adoption (financial, past mistakes, etc) that should have the chance to become parents and embryo donation can give them that opportunity. Yet genetic parents should have the option to choose a family if that is what they want. A middle ground is what we have now with both agencies and clinics offering different types of adoptions and donations. But in the midst of it we sometimes forget that these little lives are part of the process and they need to be cared for and destroying them should not be an option.

What are your thoughts on destroying embryos or donating them for research? Should embryos have rights? Should all donations become adoptions?

Truly happy for them

2011-05-29T20:37:00.000-07:00

For years pregnancy announcements were like daggers through my heart. I hated to hear them. Hated pasting a smile on my face while congratulating the couple. Hated the envy and jealousy I felt each time. Once I was pregnant it got a bit better, but it still hurt. Yes, I have my miracle, but it was not easy to get there. It is still hard to watch others conceive so effortlessly while so many of us struggle for years and years. But there are times that I am able to truly rejoice with a couple that is pregnant and today is one of those days.

Good friends of ours found out today that they are expecting. They have been married for a year and a half and to most people it will seem that it was easy for them. But I know the truth. I know that they began testing after 6 months and were dealt a hard blow finding that they both had issues and IVF was their only options. I held her hand through finding a doctor and helping her understand this journey called infertility. I encouraged her when she found out how much IVF was going to cost. I waited for her text to find out if they had been approved for a loan to pay for IVF. I anxiously waited to hear how the retrieval went, how many eggs she had, how many fertilized, and for the transfer to be complete. Then I prayed for her during her 2WW, texting back and forth as she experienced all of the crazy emotions. And today I sat by the phone waiting for the news. And it was good news. And I cried tears of pure joy.

No, they didn't have years and years of waiting. No, there were no losses. But their pain was the same. Her hopes and desires were the same as mine. She just got the finish line a bit faster than I did. And I couldn't be happier for them!! It felt good to feel so much happiness and joy for another couple that is pregnant. Had they not experienced infertility I hope that I would have felt the same way, but I am not sure. I love them dearly and hope that I would have. I hope that I have grown as a person and a Christian enough to be happy for others even when it hurts me. But I can't be certain. They were so incredibly supportive of us that I think that I would rejoiced regardless. And I do know that I am not jealous of her. Just happy. Now to pray her through the next 9 months!

Getting Involved

2011-05-26T05:17:00.000-07:00

All of us that have struggled with infertility know just how expensive testing and treatments can be. If our inability to conceive is not enough we have to worry about finding the funds to pay for treatments. It makes an already stressful situation even worse. Well, help may be on the way. The Family Act of 2011, S 965 is a bill that have been introduced to the US Senate to create a tax credit for the out-of-pocket costs associated with infertility medical treatment. You can help by contacting your Senators. RESOLVE has made this easy by creating a letter that you can fill in your information and personalize and send to your senator. So hope on over to RESOLVE and let your voice be heard!!!

Update on doctor's appointment

2011-05-20T19:55:00.000-07:00

Thank you for all of the prayers. Unfortunately we still have no answers as to why she is having chronic ear infections. She tested negative for allergies except a mild cat allergy. The allergist ordered a ton of blood work as he is concerned with how many infections that she has had. The blood draw was horrible!! Holding her down and watching her cry was just so sad. But we were able to get it all done and will have the results in 3 weeks. Until then he is treating her aggressively with a nasal spray. It will help control her drainage and hopefully keep her from getting infections. So please pray that this not only works but that the blood tests will show a cause if there is one. There may not be, but if there is we want to find it and treat it.

In other news this kid is into everything!!! Ear infections certainly don't slow her down. Today she choked on a piece of dog food. I had to to the baby heimlich to get it out. Then she was mad that I took it!! Crazy kid!! I really can't understand how I am fat since all I do all day is chase her. And yes, I have to chase her. When she sees me she moves as fast as her four appendages can take her. I need a pen or a leash for her. She keeps me hopping!! But I love it!